"Wakey wakey." I hear a voice say shaking my shoulders. A sharp pain shoots through my head as my eye's catch a glimpse of the light pouring into the room.

"Wow she's really out of it." Another voice says.

"Fuck off," I mutter pulling the duvet up over my head, my head pounding.

"Lacey. You can go back to sleep soon. You just have to go get in Bea's bed." Seth's voice coo's gently.

"Ok ok." I groan sitting up, not opening my eyes. I rub my eyes opening them gently. "Hi Luke," I said wincing.

"Hi." He says grinning at me.

"Could you not fucking yell," I say as I move past him making my way towards Bea's room. I pull open her door and slip into her bed before falling asleep again easily.

***

"You guys need to get up." A deep voice says from the doorway.

"Fuck off," Bea says from besides me.

"There's pancakes." Luke's voice says.

"If I eat I'm going to vomit." I groan. I hear someone lean over us and pull the curtains over. The minute the light streams in the pain in my head turns up a few levels.

"Fucking hell." I groan.

"Turn it off." Bea moans.

"You two are useless," Seth says chuckling.

"Get in the shower. Both of you." Luke suggests. I flip him off and sit up. My head swirling. I wait until the room stops spinning before getting out of bed. I make my way towards the bathroom.

***

"Callie and Dev were in our guest room," Bea says with a chuckle as she picks at her pancake.

"Oh my god really," I exclaim as Bea nods.

"Callie the naughty girl," I say tutting. "How many videos from last night are there?" I ask with a wince as I pick up my phone.

My eyes were still struggling to be open. I just wanted to close them and sleep to get rid of this fucking headache.

"A few. I haven't looked at them yet." Bea says. There's a group chat with all the embarrassing photos and videos from last night.

It was a Nixon party tradition.

I scroll through. I find one of Seth in between my legs as he does shots off me. I watch it and find myself smiling at the memory.

There's a video of Seth teaching me how to play pool that it looks like Lenny or Arlo took. There's a video of me making out with Carlos. As well as around 23 other videos of the night's antics.

"Wow. Eventful." I say giving the phone back to Bea.

"Yeah. Any good ones of you?" Bea asks me. I catch Seth's eye in the mirror.

"No. Just a body shot video and a pool video," I say with a small shrug.

"Of you and Seth?" She asks, wincing.

"Yeah," I say cautiously. She sighs but doesn't say anything else.

"Are you only wearing underwear under that t-shirt?" Bea asks me.

"Yeah" I say grinning.

"Oh. Uh your mom's here." Seth calls gesturing to the hickey on my neck.

"Shit. Does she know I'm awake?" I ask. And throw Seth a light glare as a mix of emotions contort his face.

"Yeah. They asked us to wake you up." Luke says with a wince.

"I'll be surprised if my mom actually talks to me," I say shrugging catching Seth's eye, he gives me a understanding sad smile.

I make my way slowly down the states, entering the kitchen.

"Hey Lacey," Trina exclaims as Bea and I walk in, followed by the boys.

"Hey Trina," I say groggily she wraps me up in a hug.

"Hey dad," I say as he wraps me up in a hug. His eyes catch the hickey.

"What is that?" My mom asks pointing to my neck her teeth almost bared.

"Good morning mum, it's lovely to finally say a word to you after ignoring you for a week," I mutter her sarcastically rolling my eyes.

"Lacey. I didn't raise my daughter to be a slut did I." She says, a warning tone to her voice.

"Kirsty that's a bit unfair." Trina buts in.

"Trina. She's my kid. She almost always comes home with hickey's on her neck. She's a whore." My mom exclaims.

"Kirsty. I really don't care what you think of me. I'm going to go upstairs now." I say turning on my heel and making my way towards the stairs.

"Lacey Cascade-Anne Carter stop walking right now." My mother exclaims. "You do not. Call me Kirsty." She says.

"Why not?" I ask her

"Because I'm your mother." She says.

"Well then don't call me a slut or a whore. Why? Oh I don't know maybe because I'm your daughter." I say flipping her off and climbing up the stairs.

"Jesus Christ. I can't even be in the same room as her." I say as Bea follows me to her room.

"It's okay. It'll get better, she'll realise how harsh on you she is and then everything will get better." Bea says.

"I guess," I say shrugging knowing that won't be the case. Bea just struggled to understand, her relationship with her mum was practically pristine.

***

The rest of the weekend I spent in my own bed. Not willing to get up. Not willing to do anything. The hangover eventually wore off but that didn't help the overwhelming feeling I get.

That feeling of nothingness. Not caring about anything. Having no hope. No reason. Everything seems pointless. You feel so empty. You're just a shell.

I used practically all of my melatonin puff bar and ordered a new pod for it, or I got Molly to when she came in to check on me on Sunday. I slept the weekend away. Dad let me stay home on Monday as well. So I just lay the days away.

You would think three days in a sleep drug haze would be boring. But it's not. I don't even register the time passing.

Molly came in a few times. Asking for me to take her surfing. Each time I told her I didn't want to and she accepted that.

"You have to go to school today." My dad says towering over me.

"No," I say quietly.

"There's pizza for dinner tonight." My dad says jovially.

"I don't care," I say with a sigh rolling over to face to window, away from him.

"Please Lacey. Bare it for one day. I can't stand seeing you here like this. Being with Bea and your friends will be good for you." My dad argues.

"Dad. It doesn't help the feeling inside of me. Or the lack of. Or both. At the same fucking time. I can't help this." I say my voice monotone. Every word took the breath out of me.

"I know. If you go to school today I'll get you iced animals." My dad offers. I just sigh in response. "Seth has been asking for you." My dad says quietly after a minute of silence. I roll over slightly, not so I'm facing him.

"And?" I ask him, trying to seem like I don't care.

"He's worried about you." My dad says. I sigh again. "Go to school. Show him your ok." My dad says gently. I sit up against every bone in my body.

"Fine," I say my stomach curling over itself.

"Thank you." My dad says hugging me and kissing my forehead.

"Come downstairs once your ready." He says walking out of my room. I just nod.

I shower, trying to push my way through my daily routine. It seeming completely pointless. Instead of trying I just pull on some sweatpants and a hoodie. I pull my hair in to a messy bun before making my way downstairs.

"Cinnamon pancakes." My dad says as I slump into the island barstool.

"My favourite," I say picking at them. Even though my stomach grumbled with hunger, I wasn't hungry. Makes sense right.

"Hey Grant." A voice says from the doorway. I hear the door close and I turn my head to see Seth walking in.

"Hey Seth. Thanks for taking Lacey to school." He says to him.

"No worries," Seth says catching my eye and giving me a concerned look.

"Ok, Lacey I have to go to work. Make sure you come here after practice." My dad says making his way towards the front door.

I just sigh as he closes the door behind me.

"Hey," Seth says wrapping me up in a hug. Tight, protective, worried.

"Hi," I mutter against his chest.

"Hurry up and eat your cinnamon pancakes so we can get to school." He says gesturing to my plate. I push them away from me and stand up.

"I can't eat," I say casually, picking up my cheer bag and heading towards the front door.

"Ok. But you're having lunch today." Seth says moving past me to open the door before me and holding it open for me. I nod him a thanks and follow him out the door.

"Also I'm uh sorry for like the little roof thing. I don't know what I was thinking. Alcohol got the best of me," Seth says apologetically.

"It's ok. Me too." I say with a small smile.

The day was long, tedious, painful. I had disappeared throughout the day to the bathrooms. Seth had been sticking to me like glue whenever he could. Making sure I was okay.

Which I was grateful for. He made sure I ate lunch, against my protests of no appetite. I wasn't starving myself, I just didn't have any appetite. Which happens.

Everyone had been asking me if I was okay and I just said I was fine. Everyone seemed to believe it as well. No maybe not believe it. But they accepted the answer. Not pushing any questions.

Teachers had asked me if I was okay as well. Mr Ford had even offered a chat again but I turned him down. Saying I really was fine and just because I was tired didn't mean I wasn't ok.

My body felt so heavy today. So weighed down with dread, anxiety, pain, recklessness, hopelessness, emptiness. Yet I was ready to throw myself through the air in hope of an injury. I wanted to feel. And adrenaline is the closest possible thing to that.

Adrenaline junkie?

Not quite.

***

"Hey, Coach Wilson," I say giving her an apologetic smile.

"You okay?" She asks me surveying my face and bloodshot eyes. I nod and tighten my ponytail.

"Rough week," I say with a small smile.

"It's Tuesday." She says softly her eyebrows furrowing together.

"I know," I mutter, smiling at the irony of it. Call it a smile but in reality, the corner of my lip quirked. Barely.

"What are we working on?" I ask her surveying the girls who are practising tumbling passes.

"The girls are practising their double to half to full." She says.

"You've got yours right. Maybe go give Mia a hand." She says gesturing towards a struggling Mia.

"Okay," I say softly. Even though I hated Mia. I still wasn't going to sabotage her, I wanted to help her actually.

I don't know why.

"Hey Mia uh Coach asked me to help you," I say softly.

"Fuck off. I don't need your help." She says aggravated. I sigh.

"Look. I come in peace." I say as she runs in to her roundoff, before executing, not very well I might add, a double to half but she kooks the full landing on her knees.

Too short.

"Extend your back more on the half, and then throw your arms on the full rather than just move them," I suggest, having evaluated the tumble.

Mia sighs and tries it again and lands it this time, with a few steps but hey.

Baby steps.

"Beautiful," I say with a small smile. She throws me a glare.

I sigh, knowing it's useless and walk back over to Coach.

After about 30 minutes of walking between girls, helping them out, spotting, showing, Coach claps her hands together.

"Ok ladies. We're going to run through the big one. I want tumbles and stunts but not the baskets or the pyramid." Coach calls out.

I take my place in position on the mat, in between two sophomores, who are my bases before Coach turns on the music.

The football team are practicing on the field and a few of them watch us, checking out the short shorts and crop tops no doubt. Usually they're used to us practicing the same time as them.

But they never seem to diss the opportunity given to them.

"Ok, that was pretty good. Except, Mia I need you to be swifter on your full to full to double to full. Next practice I want us all to practice it. Some of you marked it." Coach says.

"Coach. No offence. But no one can get that move." One of the sophomores says.

Bea scoffs next to me.

"Lacey can." She says nudging me. I roll my eyes at her.

"So can you," I say nudging her back.

"Not as good as you." She replies. I shake my head at her.

"From the top again. If you don't get it. I will personally get the football team over here to watch you. Do you want that? The boys judge your mistakes. Put your back into it and don't look stupid." Coach threatens.

We line up and do the routine again.

There were a lot, of fumbles.

"Captain. Could you go get the football team please?" Coach asks me with an exasperated sigh.

"Yup," I say jogging over to where the football coach is standing, the middle of the field while the guys are doing bicycle crunches.

I spot Seth who is going hard, sweat falling down his face, his dark hair pushed off his face, slick with sweat. He didn't have on a T-shirt.

Which was pleasing.

"Coach Carson? Coach Wilson was wondering if the football team would come watch the girls to motivate them to not be lazy?" I ask the Coach. Catching Seth's eye. He gives me a small grin. Before returning to his crunches.

"Sure. Alright, boys. Grab your water and towels. We're done for the day. We're going to be an audience for the cheerleaders." Coach calls out. I start making my way back as Seth and Luke jog up next to me.

"We get to see you tumbling huh," Luke says nudging me.

"I do a lot more than tumbling Luke. I'll have you know I'm top girl." I say raising my eyebrows at him.

"Fancy," Seth says nudging me teasingly.

"Oh, I know," I say throwing him a wink. I stop next to Coach as the boys take a seat up on the bleachers. Seth throws me a wink and I smile at him.

"Ok girls. The boys are watching. Don't mess up the tumbling. You're going full out." She says sternly. A few girls groan but I get into position.

We run through and I notice a few falls in the pyramid but none from me.

As the routine finishes and Coach sighs.

"Lacey could you please show everyone how to do a full to full to double to full." She says pointing to the mat, one hand rubbing her temple. Exasperated at the fact no one was getting it.

Except for Callie, Bea, some other chick Maddison I think? And myself.

I had taught Molly ages ago and she could do it. Sorta. She fumbled a few times but she was younger and less experienced. She was still the best sophomore this team had.

"Um ok," I say as the boys still sit there all eyes on me. It's a little bit awkward but I try to ignore them the best I can.

Which is hard with Seth's intense gaze focused on me.

"Yeah, Lacey!" Luke calls.

"Go, Lace!" I hear Seth call. The football team starts chanting and I grin.

Butterflies lacing their way into my stomach at his voice. At him cheering me on.

You're not meant to be thinking about him remember.

I line up and prepare, breathing deeply to myself, coaxing myself, telling myself that I got it.

I full, full then double then full to finish it off. I stand up and clap my hands together once I land smoothly, a satisfied smirk plastered on my face.

"Ladies and gentlemen. If they don't look like that. Then I don't want them." Coach yells a grin on her face.

"Good job Lacey," Coach says patting my back.

"Jeez, she's such a show-off." I hear a freshman say, her name's Emery.

"Emery." The freshman jumps in fright at my voice. "Would you like to say that a little bit louder?" I ask.

"Uh no." She says her voice shaking.

"No, I want to hear it," I say moving towards her, folding my arms.

I hear the cheer team around me draw their talking to a halt, the football team as well. Coach chats to the football coach quietly.

"She said that you're a show-off." Her friend says folding her arms. I step closer to her.

She comes up to my shoulders, so I'm looking down at her.

"A show-off? You think I'm showing off?" I ask looking between them. They nod their eyes wide and scared.

"Hmm. Would you like to get off of sideline tumbling? No? Seems not?" I ask thinking aloud.

"Well, actually Mia told us we would be off the bench soon." One of the freshmen says confidently, her head cocking out.

This child had way too much confidence.

Arrogance.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Does Mia make the cheer arrangements?" I ask them. They shake their head. Losing any confidence they had.

"Well, I suggest that you focus on your selves ladies. You earn your spot on the mat. Mia isn't captain, she doesn't get to decide that you two will be on the mat." I say.

"I would be a better captain than you," Mia says stepping in front of the freshman. I look at her for a while my face a look of amusement.

Seconds pass and my face relaxes. Signalling that the gauntlet has been thrown.

"Sure you would Mia. When things didn't go your way you'd bring Tommy in for tech support." I say with a snort.

"You are a nasty bitch." She sneers stepping towards me again.

"Thank you for pointing that out. They do say you practice what you preach. So whether you're ready to admit that to yourself or not? That's for you to decide." I say with a small smirk.

"Ok girls that's enough, listen in," Coach says looking up from talking to the football Coach.

I don't really know why Coach bothers coaching a bunch of young preppy teenage girls, always sarcastic and bitchy to each other. Claws out ready like cats at a cat fight.

She has taught us so much. How to unlock our minds. Push ourselves to breaking point. Some of us. Have a natural, genetically stronger mind, others weaker.

All by chance.

But everything's by chance. It's by chance that my mom got pregnant with me. It's by chance that my brain developed to have its collection of mental illnesses. It's by chance that my parents are friends with the Nixon's. It's by chance that my first attempt failed.

Everything comes down to chance.

And Coach had always taught us.