It's only a bad dream.

It will all be over when I wake up.

I just need to endure it a little longer.

I repeated the words Noah would often tell me when he found me crying in a corner because of Diego.

"It's real only if you believe it is." He would say to me before running away to follow Diego.

Back then, I never understood what he meant.

Even if I convinced myself it was a dream the pain would still be there serving as a reminder that this was very much real.

Being delusional wouldn't change the reality.

"You choose," Azazel whispered next to my ear. "Do you want to live or die?"

"I want to live."

Azazel smiled, "You know what to do, tesoro."

I knew.

But I didn't want to.

I raised my trembling hands higher, the gun held in them pointed towards the girl before me who had mirrored my actions.

I had never seen this girl before in my life. She was older than me. Maybe the same age as Kai would be now. But I knew she was just another innocent victim like me. She didn't deserve to die.

And neither could I bring myself to kill her.

But I also knew the consequences that would follow if one of us didn't drop dead in the next five minutes.

I had by my own eyes witnessed them carry two dead bodies before me. One of Norah and the other unknown to me.

Apparently, they were given the same choice. But both of them had refused to kill the other and now they were both dead.

I didn't want a repeat of that.

I had always thought death would be easier than living. For days in the basement with Azazel, I begged him to kill me.

But now that I was given the opportunity, I didn't want to die.

I wanted to see Kai again.

"I'm rooting for you, Aylin." Azazel encouraged. All I wanted right now was to turn around and shoot him in the head instead.

But the men inside the room who had their rifles pointed in our direction, waiting for us to make one wrong move, kept me frozen in my place.

"I'm sorry." I heard the girl opposite to me mutter. And from the sound of it she really was sorry.

'Shoot her, Lili!' My hold on the gun tightened as a foreign voice rang inside my head.

Even though the girl opposite to me looked determined to save herself she still didn't shoot.

'Do it, Lili.' the voice inside my head became louder, filtering out all the other noises in my surroundings.

But I didn't want to listen to this vile sounding voice.

'Do it!'

I saw the girl lowering her gun, the fight leaving her eyes as she refused to play this sick game any longer.

She gave me a soft smile as understanding flickered in her eyes.

Or maybe it was all in my imagination.

A last effort to justify the sin I was about to commit.

I pulled the trigger.

The soft smile in her face was still there as she dropped to the floor, her head banging against the hard surface as blood flew out of her wound.

"Its okay," the girl mouthed. But I knew it was just another delusion my mind showed me to lessen the guilt.

But I still chose to believe it.

Now as I stood here with a gun in my hand and a dead body before me I finally understood what Noah was trying to convey.

Delusions didn't change the reality.

But it made it easier.

It made it easier to endure. It gave me hope that maybe it really was a dream and it will all be gone when I open my eyes.

... ... ...

[21 hours before her death]

For the second time tonight, I woke up.

Screaming.

Gasping for air as the ghosts of my past came to give me a visit.

"It's okay, sweetheart. I am here," I felt icy fingers stroking my back, lulling me back to sleep. "No one can hurt you."

But I didn't want to go back to sleep. I didn't want to surrender myself to unconsciousness where nothing would be under my control.

I wanted to be in control.

I needed it.

"Stephen."

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"I'm cold." I mumbled, my body shivering from the cold wind that blew in from the open window.

After I had taken off the sweater to show them the scars, I had forgotten to put it back on.

Stephen realized it as well that I was not dressed for the weather at all.

I was hoping he would pass me the blanket I had unconsciously thrown in the floor when I woke up.

But instead he took off the hoodie he was wearing and placed it on my lap, "Put this on."

"It will be too big for me." I refused. I didn't exactly have a small stature, my brothers just happened to be giants.

"It will be more comfortable." He pushed it back to me. "Trust me."

I sighed, not wanting to argue over a piece of fabric and decided to put it on.

I was surprised at the instant warmth it provided me. I don't think I will ever be comfortable again in my own clothes after this.

"Better?" He asked. He had already closed the window and was now crouching over the fireplace, trying to lit a fire to make the room warmer.

"Much better." I nodded at his thoughtfulness. "Thank you."

His caring actions didn't make me happy. Rather it made me feel bitter. A sense of loss engulfed me as I thought over how different my life could be.

"You don't want to sleep again?" He asked when I made no signs of going back to sleep.

I shook my head, not in the mood to verbally respond him.

"Why not?" He asked. "Do you want to hear a story?"

"Story?" I echoed, my eyes observing his expression to realize he actually was serious.

"Yes. It would always work when you were a kid." He stated. "You loved Alice in wonderland. I have it memorized with the hundreds of times I had to read it to you."

A small smile hung at his lips as he recalled the nights I couldn't sleep and would come running to him with a story book in my hand every time.

I don't actually recall having any favourites among them but if he was saying so, then it must be true.

"I don't like fairy tales anymore." I told him honestly. I despised them.

For making me ever believe that I was a princess. That one day my knight would come and save me, too.

Why make us believe something that wasn't real?

"What do you like then?" He asked not in a mocking way but genuinely curious.

I thought about it for a moment.

What did I like?

And it scared me more than it should when I couldn't come up with an answer.

Diego's words from the bridge rang in my head. That I live to impress others.

Amidst my journey to impress them, I had buried myself under their opinions.

I no longer had something that defines me.

I didn't have aims or goals.

I didn't have likes or dislikes.

I didn't want him to be right. But how long was I going to deny the truth right before me?

That, in the midst of trying to get myself accepted by everyone, I, myself had forgotten to do it.

How could I expect them to love me when I couldn't bring myself to do that?

"Don't think so hard. Its okay if you don't know." Stephen said, his voice gentle.

How can someone so cold be so warm?

"How about we play something?" He suggested. "Do you know how to play chess?"

I nodded in response, "Yes."

Stephen opened the drawer to his bedside table and took out a small chessboard.

"Why do you have a chessboard beside your bed?" I asked curiously.

"I like playing chess." He shrugged while arranging the chess pieces.

"Alone?"

"Yes."

I didn't really understand what was the fun in playing chess alone. But I kept my thoughts to myself in case he gets offended.

If he likes it, who am I to comment on it?

"You know you don't have to intentionally lose to make me feel better." I groaned in annoyance. This was the fourth time he had lost.

At least put up a decent fight to make it believable.

"I'm not." Stephen commented. His face was dead serious that I almost believed him.

"What's wrong?" I asked when I saw how dark his expression was.

"Didn't you say you are not that good at chess?" He asked instead.

"Yeah. I would lose most of the matches I played against my classmates back in the institute." I admitted.

"I see."

"You want to play again?" I asked carefully. Maybe he was mad because he lost? His expression was too hard for me to read what he was thinking.

"No. Tomorrow perhaps." He refused, the darkness looming behind his eyes was gone as he passed me a gentle smile.

"Sweetheart, why don't you go downstairs?" Stephen proposed. "I'm sure Noah is up by now, fixing himself something to eat."

"Okay." I agreed. If he wanted to be alone right now he could just say so. There was no need to make up excuses to send me out.

I left the room under his intense stare. But instead of going to the kitchen, I stayed there. I pressed my ear against the door, wanting to know what it was that caused the sudden shift in his mood.

The room was silent for the first ten minutes. And just as I was contemplating whether he had fallen asleep, I heard his voice.

"Take the earliest flight today."

Judging on the pause that followed, I guessed he was talking on the phone.

"Yes, it's about her."

Was he talking about me?

'The world doesn't revolve around you.' the voices inside my head reminded.

I know it doesn't but logically speaking who else could he be talking about?

When I heard the approaching footsteps from inside the room, I rushed downstairs even though I wanted to hear the rest of his conversation.

... ... ...

I was lying in Eve's bed when the bell made me get up.

My siblings refused to open the door until the intruder would ring the bell for at least three times.

Most times it would be me or Ezra who had to get the door even though Noah and Diego would be right beside the door in the living room playing video games.

It was almost time for dinner so I wondered who would come so late at night.

The bell rang for the second time making me fasten my pace. On my way, I passed a glare at Noah and Diego who didn't even look guilty.

I was greeted by a strange man once I opened the door. He was tall, his raven hair bringing out his ocean blue eyes. He had a luggage in one of his hand while the other one held a box of cake.

"Can I help you?" I inquired even though I knew he probably knew one of my siblings otherwise the guards wouldn't have let him in.

"Lili?"

I frowned at how easily the nickname rolled off his tongue. I don't recall this man from any of my memories so I could safely say I didn't know him.

Regardless, I opened the door wider to let him in.

"Diego." I hollered. "Your friend is here!"

Ever since Diego had come back,many of his comrades would visit us almost every other week. And they were just as annoying as Diego himself. They would call me Lili effortlessly when I didn't even know their names.

"You're here already?" Diego questioned once he saw who it was. "Is that for me?" He gestured towards the cake in his hand.

He didn't even wait for a response before snatching the packaged cake from his friend's hand.

"I told you to bring strawberry!" Diego whined once he saw it was a chocolate cake.

"It's not for you." The man snatched it back and to my surprise handed it to me. "It's for Lili."

"Uh, thanks?" I would have refused but it was chocolate to scream out loud. It would be a sin to refuse it.

"My pleasure." The man smiled, patting my head gently before following a displeased Diego to the living room.

... ... ...

I was later informed by Eve that the man wasn't Diego's friend rather one of our paternal cousins. I didn't even know we had cousins in the first place.

But now that I think about it, Zane's blue eyes were insanely similar to that of my brothers.

"Buttercup, can you go call Stephen and Zane for dinner?" Ezra asked while placing the dishes in the dining table.

"Sure." I nodded. I was about to get up anyway to check on Kai. I hadn't seen him once since last night.

"Ezra's calling you for dinner." I informed, peeking my head inside his room.

"I'm not hungry," His response came immediately.

"Is it because of me?" I asked in a low voice.

"No."

"Then why won't you even look at my way?" He hadn't looked up once from the canvas to meet my eyes.

Was he that angry for last night?

But I tried my best to stop Stephen, didn't I? Did he think I wanted him to get beaten by Stephen? It hurt me more than it hurt him.

When Kai didn't respond for straight out five minutes, I took that as my cue to leave.

Taking a deep breath, I forced the tears back.

I won't cry.

He's just a little mad. He will talk to me tomorrow. I know he will. He has to.

"Stephen?" I knocked on his study door. There was no response even after I waited for two minutes. I turned the knob in case he was too busy with his work to hear me.

But the room was completely empty.

That's unlike him to leave the lights on. Not thinking much of it I stepped inside to turn the table lamp off.

But before I could do so my eyes fell on the files neatly placed in his table. The picture attached to it looked oddly familiar.

Chloe Dawson.

Fear engulfed me at the endless possibilities it could lead to. With trembling hands I picked up the file to see it was a BioData of Chloe.

Why did Stephen have it?

I knew she was heir to her father's company. So maybe it was for business purposes.

That must be it. I should just leave.

But curiosity got the best of me and I found myself turning on his laptop. It was locked.

After trying a few different sets of passwords I finally cracked the lock. It was mine and Eve's birthdate.

I clicked on the most recent video in his history.

I hope I hadn't.

They were right when they say curiosity killed the cat.

With trembling hands I willed myself to pause the video clip of me torturing innocent people.

Did he see it?

Was he disgusted by me?

I got my answer when I accidentally knocked over the file placed in the table.

Pilgrim Psychiatric center.

Bloomingdale Insane Asylum.

And countless more pamphlets flew out.

He was going to send me to a mental asylum?

He promised he wouldn't!

They all promised.

A part of me refused to believe he would be so cruel to me.

Didn't he love me at all?

In either case I couldn't let him know I knew about his plans. Arranging everything as it was I quickly went out of the room.

I was glad I did because not even a minute later a worried looking Stephen came up.

"Why are you here?" He asked, eyeing me warily.

"Ezra asked me to call you. I thought you were still in there." I half lied.

He didn't buy it.

"Is something wrong, sweetheart?"

He really had the guts to ask that?

He was worse than father.

At least father never pretended to love me while simultaneously pushing me from the edge of the cliff.

"No." I forced a smile on my face. "Nothing's wrong."

I was glad he didn't pursue the topic further because I don't think I would be able to maintain my patience any longer.

Dinner passed by in a blur.

My eyes fell on the empty chair beside me. Kai had stayed true to his claim and didn't come down.

It reminded me of why he wasn't here.

Because of me.

And if I refused to go to the mental asylum as Stephen wanted, who was to say he wouldn't hurt Kai again?

Maybe this time, it would be worse.

What if it was the final blow and then Kai would hate me like everyone else?

It was a possibility I feared more than death itself.

"Alright. I have to go now." Ezra announced. Apparantly his short vacation was over and he had night shift tonight.

"I'll be back before breakfast. Do you two need anything?" He asked me and Eve.

"I want dumplings for breakfast tomorrow!" Diego shouted from the living room.

"No one asked you!" Ezra shouted back.

"Eve!" Diego shouted again. "Ask him to bring dumplings!"

Eve giggled, "Can we have dumplings for breakfast tomorrow?"

"Sure." Ezra easily agreed this time and kissed her cheek to bid her goodbye.

"What about you, buttercup?" He asked, bending down to kiss my cheek as well.

But before he could I flinched back, "I'm good."

Hurt flashed across his expression at my blatant rejection.

But I couldn't care less.

I knew for a fact Stephen always went to Ezra for advice whenever it was something remotely related to medical.

Which means Ezra knew about sending me to a mental asylum. Hell, he must be the one who advised it in the first place.

Fucking hypocrites.

After repeatedly ruining my life they still want me to play happy family with them?

... ... ...

2.39 a.m.

I opened my eyes to find Stephen peacefully sleeping beside me.

My mind was a mess right now.

Was I really the victim I painted myself as?

Why would the whole world be against me then?

Even Kai seemed to be growing distant from me.

How long was I going to blame others for the misery that maybe I myself am responsible for?

How could they all be the bad guys while I alone the saint?

It didn't make sense.

But I never was a saint to begin with.

Maybe it wasn't them who ruined me rather I who ruined their lives?

And even now I was being difficult.

While they were trying to move on from the past I was the only one who decided to be fixated on it, dragging them along in my misery.

But I really did try.

I gave them a chance regardless of the many disappointments I received from them.

But how long?

Was there no end to this endless cycle of suffering?

'You know you can end it.'the voice in my head chided in.

For the first time in my life, I agreed with the voices.

What was the point in prolonging this misery?

We all have to die at one point.

So why not die a little sooner and save everyone and myself the trouble?

Maybe Diego was right all along.

I didn't deserve to live.

I was just a mistake that came with a heavy price.

My body moved on its own accord and I found myself in Diego's room, silently opening his bedside drawer to fish out a bottle of sleeping pills.

But even after emptying half of the bottle, I didn't feel relieved.

It wasn't enough.

Which is how I found myself with a blade in my hand.

'All your pain will be gone, Lili.' the voice encouraged. 'Just one more step.'

But for some reason I couldn't bring myself to do that.

'Do it, Lili.'

I don't want to. What if Kai became sad if I was gone again?

'You will only be doing him a favor.' the voices refuted stronger than before. 'You are just a liability to him.'

My hands trembled as I willed my hands to move but before the blade could even touch my skin, I moved it back.