I was losing myself.

It was a slow and painful process.

Feeling the last bits of your soul crumble, bit by bit, hurt more than any words can convey.

What hurt even more was the realization that there was nothing I could do but silently watch it happen.

I was being held hostage by my own mind. And I tried, I tried my best to break free.

To break the shackles restraining my sanity, to break past my demons.

I did everything I could think of. I took the stupid pills the therapist prescribed, I avoided the triggers, I tried to move on, I tried to forget.

But nothing helped.

Because all they needed was one weakness and they would gnaw out the rest. Tear me apart until there was nothing left but hatred and vengeance.

And a part of me liked it.

It liked to see her hurt. To see her suffering. When she struggled to hold her tears and failed the very next moment, a part of me felt liberated, contented.

A sick part in me truly believed I was serving my Selene justice, helping her soul to rest in peace.

But what was even worse was days like today.

Rare days, when the voices would go away, giving me back my sanity only to take it away again.

Days when it dawned on me what I was truly doing.

When I was forced to acknowledge the fact that I was hurting an innocent child, ruining my family in the process, destroying their chance at happiness.

The moment I had opened my eyes this morning, I knew it would be one of those days, when breathing would become a chore.

When the need to kill myself would overpower all my other thoughts.

I walked to the back garden, it was Selene's favourite place in the entire mansion.

I never understood why though, the place had become a jungle from lack of care.

But when asked she would shrug in response, saying the wilted flowers reminded her of herself, of unspoken tragedies.

And no matter how much I would pry after that, she would stay silent.

I sat on the rusted swing, it creaked, weighing down, I was almost afraid it would break.

My head snapped to my right, the rustling of leaves alerting me.

No one was supposed to be here. There were snakes and all types of rodents running free, so none of the servants neither my children came here.

I followed the noise, the path getting deeper and thicker as I proceeded. The trees surrounded the entire place, enveloping the area in darkness.

The sunlight still managed to peek in, lighting the path enough for me to not stumble in the way.

I paused when I reached a clearing, there was a small fort in the center, loosely made by fallen tree branches and bamboo.

Dried, fallen leaves were gathered in a heap right beside it, with a little ball of cuteness lying over it.

On closer inspection, I realized it was Aylin.

She was staring up at the sky, the sunlight falling in her blonde hair, making it appear golden.

I tried to be quiet with my steps, careful not to scare her but somehow she still sensed me and instantly shot up.

"Dad?" Her eyes were wide with shock and it surprised me she knew who I was.

Even though she was already four, the number of times I had talked to her could be counted in one hand. I didn't stay at home most of the time and even when I was I made sure to avoid her.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, hesitantly sitting beside her on the heap of leaves.

"I'm a princess." She grinned at me, her missing front tooth making her look even more cute.

"That's my castle." She pointed to the flimsy bamboo fort, looking proud of her creation.

"Then why are you sitting here instead of your castle?" I found myself asking.

"I'm waiting for my knight to come and save me."

"I can be your knight." I offered. I had hoped it would make her happy but instead she looked down, on the verge of crying.

I wondered what I had said wrong.

"But Kai is my knight." She responded, still not meeting my eyes.

"That's okay." I assured. "I can be the monster keeping you captive then." I almost wanted to laugh at the irony.

"Really?" She looked up in disbelief. "You aren't angry?"

"No. Why would I be?"

"Noah gets angry if I don't let him be the knight." She reasoned, still not believing I wasn't angry with her rejection.

"Speaking of Noah, why are you here alone?" I inquired. "You shouldn't be here, you know. There are lots of snakes around."

"But my castle is here."

"You can build a new one." I suggested, picking her up and placing her on top of her castle. "In the main garden. A better one."

"Big brother will break it if he finds out." She shook her head, not liking my idea. "You won't tell him about this one, will you?"

"Does Diego hurt you a lot?" I asked even though I already knew the answer. I was the one who manipulated him into it, after all.

I felt bad for him. I really did. Because one day, when he will be wise enough to break free from my spell, he will hate me. But he will hate himself more.

"He doesn't." Aylin looked away from my eyes, her hands trembling as she lied.

"Lying is bad, Lili."

She stayed quiet, her mood turning gloomy.

"How did you get that bruise on your forehead?" I asked when she refused to admit herself. I knew Diego had pushed her to the ground, resulting the small bruise.

"It doesn't matter." Her hand subconsciously went up to the small wound on her forehead. "I love him."

I silently scoffed at her claim. I knew it was a lie.

Alex had promised something similar to me once. But now he hated me, could no longer bear the sight of me. For all the things I did to him, was still doing to my family.

Aylin misinterpreted my distaste, thinking it was directed towards her. Her eyes got teary again, "I'm sorry. I won't lie again."

It didn't go unnoticed by me how she was walking on eggshells around me.

And it pained me to think she was probably like that with everyone, afraid the slightest mistake would make her fall out of their good graces.

"Will you play with me?" She asked. "I will let you be the princess." She added, hopeful that it would tempt me into agreeing.

"Sure," I agreed, faking excitement, deciding to play along for a while.

In an instant, she jumped down from the top of the fort and rushed inside. Her head peeked out a second later, "Come inside." She encouraged.

I doubted I would fit in there but complied regardless. The inside was bigger than it seemed, it was cramped but doable.

I was surprised when she pushed a box to the center, taking out actual porcelain cups from inside it.

"We can have a tea party." She announced, handing me an empty teacup. When she tilted the teapot, I almost expected real tea to pour out of it.

I wasn't that disappointed to find sand instead. I only hoped she wouldn't force me to eat it.

"We will play snow white after that, okay?" She asked, she tried to sound casual I knew she was scared of my rejection.

"I don't know how to."

"I'll teach you. It's very easy." She smiled, taking that as a yes. "You just have to bite into the apple and pretend to faint."

'She talks too much.'

Instantly, a ringing pain started in my head.

'Make her shut up.'

The scenario was way too familiar. I knew where it was going.

"And then we can-"

"Stop." I interrupted her. "I have to go." I got up to leave but barely managed to take one step before a small hand grabbed my arms tightly.

"Don't go." Aylin cried. "Stay, please."

'Push her away.'

I crouched down to her level, brushing away the stray hairs from her face. "But it hurts, Lili."

"Where?"

'Break her castle. Better yet, break it while she's inside.'

"Here." I pointed to where my heart was. "And here." I pointed to my head next.

"It hurts a lot?"

"Mhmm." I nodded, hoping she would let go of me now but if possible her hold on me got more tighter.

She patted the spot where my heart was before swiftly placing a kiss there. She did the same again and placed a kiss on my head next.

"I kissed it better." She smiled. "Now it won't hurt anymore."

I couldn't help but pull her against me, hug her tightly because I knew this might be the last opportunity I ever get. "Thank you, princess."

"So you will stay and play with me?" She asked, her voice muffled against my chest.

"I can't." I told her. "I have to go now."

She started crying, tears streaming down her face. She looked at me with so much sadness in her eyes that it made my heart twist painfully.

"A princess doesn't cry." I told her, wiping her tears gently.

"Here, you can have it." Unclasping the charm bracelet from my wrist, I handed it to her. "But only if you stop crying."

She sniffled, her eyes wide with awe as she studied it. "It's a moon!" She observed.

"Yeah, it was your Mom's." I brushed away the baby hair from her face again. "So, don't lose it, okay?"

"Okay." She vigorously nodded, finally letting me go.

But I hoped she hadn't.

I hoped she would hold on to me for a little longer.

Because, it was the first time she was looking at me with awe, with something close to love.

And I knew it would be the last.

... ... ...

It was a mistake.

To show her the sliver of kindness that day was one of the biggest mistakes I had ever made.

Because now she refused to leave me alone.

Every single day, I would open my door only to find her sitting infront of it.

Today wasn't any different. She was right there, sitting infront of my door.

"Dad?" She got up the moment she caught the sight of me. "Are you free today? Will you play with me?"

'Just push her down the stairs.' It suggested. 'She won't be able to come out of her room for days.'

The suggestion was too tempting.

"No." I gritted out, clenching my fists to restrain the anger coursing through my veins.

But she refused to take the hint. "You don't have to play. You can just come and sit with me." She requested.

'Push her.'

She was standing way too close to the staircase and I knew just one push and she would break her legs, giving me peace for at least a week.

But someone else beat me to it.

"Don't annoy Dad!" Diego snapped, harshly pushing her to the ground.

I was grateful for his intervention. I knew a minute longer of her whining and I'd do much worse.

Aylin stayed on the ground, making no move to get up, instead looked up at me hopefully.

Hoping I would scold Diego, defend her.

'Dumb bitch.'

Ignoring her expectant gaze, I walked past her.

I made the mistake of glancing back at her. She was crying, her eyes filled with disappointment as she watched me walk away.

And those eyes, they were the end of me.

For when night came, and the world went to sleep, I couldn't do the same.

Because every single time I closed my eyes, those eyes would come back to haunt me.

And I knew they would continue to do so for an awfully long time.

The only other way to peace I knew was death.

And I found myself sitting in front of the balcony almost every other day, a blade in my hand, with mere inches between me and death.

But everytime I refused to surrender, to end it all.

Because thats what they whispered to me, that's what they wanted and I would be damned if I let them win.

But tonight's battle seemed exceptionally hard for me to win.

"Why didn't you take me with you?" I asked. "Why did you condemn me to this hell?"

Should I not have been disappointed when no one answered back?

"I don't think I can do this anymore." I admitted. "I can't bear to exist in a world without you."

"Then make a new one."

My head shot up when I heard the familiar voice.

There she was.

Leaning against the balcony, as she softly smiled at me.

My Selene.

"A world where there is only you and me." She whispered, walking closer to me. "Us against them."

I stretched my hand, touching her face. My heart stopped for a moment when she didn't disappear like I expected her to.

She was real.

And she was here.

She came back for me just like she always did.

"Tell me how." I pleaded. "Tell me how to do that."

"Get me the justice I deserve. Punish her." She said, her tone dripping of bitterness. "Punish her for taking me away from you."

"No, no, no." I shook my head. "You sound like them. You sound like those vile voices."

"They are not vile, Alec." She gently convinced. "They are a part of you. Don't resist them. Embrace them."

"No."

I clasped my hands against my ears, trying to filter out her voice.

"They only want the best for you. They loved me, just like you did."

She was right.

The demons in my head never were hostile towards her, they didn't ask me to hurt her. Ever.

They only ever wanted the best for her. Just like I did.

"What- what do you want me to do?" I found myself asking. "What can I do to get you back?"

"Kill her."

I froze.

My Selene wasn't like that.

My Selene wouldn't ask me to do that.

"No, you are not Selene. You can't be." I nodded to myself, figuring it out. "Selene could never ask me to do that."

"Couldn't I?" She shot back. "If they as much as hurt you, you burn them in return." She reminded the words she had once told me.

'Aylin destroyed your whole world.' the voice agreed. 'Death is a small price to pay for that.'

Selene saw the clear hesitance in my eyes, and the next moment she grabbed my hands, her eyes tenderly gazing at me.

"You will be doing her a favour." She said. "You will only be ending her suffering."

"She's miserable, Alec." She added. "You know it too. They all hate her. They hurt her."

I knew she was right. I saw her cry everyday.

'Everyone can be happy only when she's gone. Don't you want everyone to be happy?'

'Don't you want her to be happy?'

I never really was a father to her. Maybe this could be my chance, my redemption.

I walked to her room, grabbed a pillow and pressed it against her face.

She immediately started struggling, clawing at my hand but in vain.

"Don't worry." I assured. "It will be painless, I swear."

But she didn't believe me and continued to struggle against my hold.

"Shh, don't struggle." I soothed, smiling at her. "It will all be over once you die."

I was this close to succeeding when I was roughly pushed away from her.

"Let her go!" Stephen screamed.

Aylin immediately jumped on his arms, burying her head in his shoulder. "I don't want to die." She cried.

But I didn't understand.

Did Stephen hate her too?

Did he not want her to be happy?

"Son, you don't understand. I am doing her a favour." I explained, hoping he would understand. "They told me to do this. They said it's the best way for everyone to be happy."

"Who are they, Dad?"

"You don't understand. Give her back to me." I repeated, angry he refused to listen to me.

'Kill him, too.' the voice suggested. 'He's getting out of hand.'

"Come back, Stephen!" I shouted but it was pointless because he was long gone.

... ... ...

I went down for breakfast the next morning, surprising even myself.

I rarely ate with my family because that would mean seeing her.

"Daddy!" Eve came running when she caught the sight of me. Before she could crash against me, I picked her up.

"Don't ruin my hair." She complained when I ruffled it lightly.

I approached the dining hall to find everyone already there.

I placed Eve in my lap, cutting the bacon in small pieces before feeding it to her.

I didn't spend much time with Noah and Eve, I wanted to make use of the rare times I was at home.

"Don't be sad." I heard Kai whisper to Aylin. "I'll feed you." He offered, taking the knife from her hand to cut the bacon in slices.

"I-I don't want to eat." Aylin mumbled.

Kai frowned at her lack of appetite and the next moment turned to glare at me, silently blaming me for it.

But he was wrong in one aspect.

She wasn't jealous.

No, she was scared.

Trembling at the very sight of me.

I couldn't help but smirk at that, "You shouldn't skip meals, sweet Lili." I mocked.

Stephen's head shot up from beside her, his eyes wide as he gazed at me with suspicion.

"Why don't you take my plate instead, sweetheart?" Stephen suggested and without waiting for her response he exchanged their plates.

I wanted to laugh at his paranoia.

Did he honestly believe I poisoned her food?

"Go ahead, eat." I told Aylin and with trembling hands she picked up a piece of bacon.

Stephen was still intently watching me and as my smirk got wider when she picked up the piece of bacon, his eyes widened again.

"Wait, don't eat that!" He shouted.

Aylin paused, turning to look at him in question.

He snatched the fork from her hand and ate the piece of bacon himself. He randomly tried another piece from her plate before confirming it wasn't poisoned and allowed her to eat it.

Maybe I really should have poisoned both their foods.

Half my troubles would be gone in one day.

But poison was a weapon of the weak.

And I was not weak.