Alright so for now on, please the no sleeping because I'll upload, don't do it or make me feel bad about it alright?

Pressure pissed me off.

And now the fracking bird are singing... and the sun is rising. And I will wake up big boy downstairs when I'll go take my shower! Just great! -_-

Anyway! Here it is.. I don't know how long this will be but I hope you enjoy it. I do believe my quality of writing is going down with my exaustion and I'm pretty exausted lately! So ya... suck it up! lol (Exaustion makes me bitchy too, sorry!)

Anyway.. some of you didn't like Lexi mind rambling and she still does it here, but sorry, that's just the way she IS. Lexi over thinks. And jumps to conclusions. And rather reject before being rejected. She's not perfect. That's what makes her "human"

So.. hope this will be good enough for a little while now..

I personaly don't like it at this moment of time, but bleh!

I'm sure I wanted to say more things but I'm tired and you guys are waiting.

So read, and enjoy I guess! lol

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Once I finally reached home, stubbornly not stopping to drive even though I barely saw anything with my tears-filled eyes, I parked and hyperventilated a little more, before wiping my eyes.

Dad's car was in the driveway. Meaning he was home. Meaning he would see my red poufy eyes and hear my running nose and ask questions, question I couldn't even answer myself. So I hurried inside, holding my bag tightly, hoping he would be in his study and busy with something. But the second I walked in, dad, smiling, stepped out of the kitchen to greet me and saw my face.

Damn it!

"Kid, what's wrong?" he automatically asked, concern deep in his eyes.

"Nothing, everything's fine," I told him, slipping out of my shoes and then hurried to the stairs to lock myself up in my room like some depress teenager.

"Kid, you need to talk about this?" he kept pushing.

"No dad! I'm FINE! Alright? I just want to be alone for a little while and not see anyone alright," I almost shouted at him and then sprang to my room.

After closing the door behind me, I threw myself on my bed and punched it a few times!

Stupid, idiot, STUPID STUPID!

Seriously how freaking dumb was I?

I shouldn't have let myself care so much about Blake!

And why hadn't I let him talk? Because the worst thing he could have said was what I had said to him right? So it wouldn't have been that bad to hear HIM say he didn't want me.

Lie.

It would have been more than awful. But at least now I wouldn't be asking myself what he had tried to tell me! Because that was what was nagging me right now.

What would have Blake said if I had given him the time to finish a sentence?

Dang it!

I should have just shut up! And I should just stop thinking!

Why did I have to think so much? Seriously!

I pushed myself off from my bed in one quick movement, tears still rolling on my cheeks without my control, and walked toward my wardrobe where I had put my record player last.

Listening to music would be good for me. If I could just STOP thinking for two minutes and maybe stop replaying over and over again that kiss in my head! Yes, that would definitely help!

I placed my record player on the floor in front of my bedside table, and after placing one vinyl on I laid on my bed, my head dangling upside-down on the edge, my hair falling, brushing on the floor.

I let the record, Blake's record play over and over again, Doris Day's I'm Confessing That I Love You notes echoing all through my room.

I closed my eyes.

"Maybe the blood rush that I'm getting in my head will make me faint. And maybe everything will be clear afterwards. Or I'll wake up in another dimension. Or pop a vein inside my head and die. Ya that would take care of all my problems..." I thought silently.

This was ridiculous, freaking ridiculous.

This whole situation.

Later, I don't know how long, I just knew that I had gotten tired of having my head upside down by then, someone knocked on my door.

"I don't wanna see anyone!" I screamed and grabbed a pillow, covering my face.

I was still freaking crying!

Now that was why I didn't wear make up!

Seriously, what wouldn't I have given to have a time machine... I could just go back in time and change things... or the ninja skills would have been good too, so I could have kicked myself in the face. I freaking deserved that much.

"Just wanted to say dinner's getting cold!" Tyler screamed on the other side of the door, his voice low compared to the sound of my music.

"I'm not hungry!" I yelled back.

And that was true. I was actually more like nauseous right now.

"Suit yourself!" Tyler screamed back and I was alone with my thoughts again.

A while later again, there was another knock on my door but before I could scream to not come and disturb me, the door burst open revealing Daph.

"Come on, get up, we're going for a walk! Stat!" she said, her eyes narrowing at me, urging me to get on my feet this instant.

"No thank you, I think I'll pass!" I mumbled and rolled in my bed, burying my face in my pillows.

"Nah-ah! None of that! Come on, chop chop! We are going for a walk! You need to talk girly!"

"I don't wanna talk!" I mumbled, my face in my pillow.

"You have no say in this! Come on! GET UP!" she urged and pulled me by the arms.

I groaned, but knew there was no chance of winning against her, so I grabbed one of my hoodies lying on the floor and dragged my feet out the door, Daph leading the way.

Dad and Tyler, who were sitting in the living room, watching TV, didn't even ask anything. They were used to Daph loud behavior.

The minute we stepped out the door though, I knew I REALLY wasn't getting out of talking.

"You have exactly ten minutes to start spilling otherwise I'll hypnotize you and MAKE YOU spill everything!" she warned and I rolled my eyes at her.

"You know you're totally failing at hypnotizing people, right?"

"Oh trust me, I'll hypnotized you and hypnotized you good, young Padawan!"

"Sure, sure, Master Dadaf-Noo." I rolled my eyes again

"Hey! You will show respect to Master Dadaf-Noo!"

I chuckled and shook my head slightly.

We had reached the street by now and turned right, like we usually did. To get to Daph's house we would have needed to turn left and walk barely one block.

The street was quiet; there never were a lot of cars driving here. Truth is, if it wasn't someone living here it was someone lost.

The wind was chillier today, September was almost over after all. The maple trees were definitely slowly turning red or yellow or orange right now. The grass wasn't so green anymore and there was just the earthy autumn smell that seemed to swirl around us, with the wind that twirled my hair in every direction.

There wasn't any street walk here, so we walked by the asphalt or on the grass by the side when a lone car passed us.

"Blake kissed me, you saw it, obviously, and I freaked out, you could guess that one, obviously too. That's all that's happening, nothing more, nothing less and it really isn't that big a deal." I said to Daph after taking a big breath.

"Then why can't you look at me in the eyes when you say that?" she asked and it was true, I was staring at my shoes intensely...

"I'm just... I'm confused myself, so how in hell am I supposed to explain it to you? And saying it out loud makes it... it makes it so... final..." I whispered, my eyes gazing around at the houses around and at the trees and forest around and at everything but my friend beside me.

"And what's wrong with making it final?"

"It makes me sound like a fool?" I said, snorting a little

"No it makes you sound NORMAL!"

"But don't you know this? I don't wanna be "normal"! I don't wanna be like every other girl that has a crush over a guy-" Frak I just said I had a crush over a guy hadn't I? "because I don't want this to..."

How could I admit this?

"I don't want this to be just a crush," I said in a voice barely audible.

Crushes were such a feeble thing, you moved on quickly with those and stopped acknowledging the boy after.

I didn't want this to happen with Blake.

I actually realized that I didn't want our relation to be like everyone else's. Just with our friendship for instance. When I had known Blake's brother had died, I had wanted him to confide in me, not only because I felt bad for him and wanted to make things right, but because I wanted him to trust me and I wanted to be close to him, closer than the others, I wanted to know about a part of Blake's life that other didn't...

"Mind sharing what you're thinking about?" Daph asked, her voice carrying.

"It's just... I care about Blake... a lot... and I don't want our relationship to be total crap now because of what happened, I don't want to have things weird..."

"And because you're scared to lose it?"

I breathed in deeply and nodded.

I knew what it felt like to lose the way things were between two people, to lose a relationship... I had lost it with my mother, sort of...

I hadn't talked to her since the grocery incident which felt light years away. I hadn't gotten any news, nothing.

And I knew that's what I had implied I wanted, and that was what I wanted... but she was my mom and I... missed her.

But trying to make things alright was a step I wasn't ready to make yet.

Still that wasn't the problem here... the problem was... I knew how it was to feel like you could never ever talk with someone the same way again, like with Alex for instance, after we had broken up, I was sure we would never be friends again. And now with my mom...

And now... with Blake?

How could things go back to our playful arguing, his constant teasing and innuendos and everything that made our friendship... how could we go back to that after kissing?

We couldn't right?

And if we couldn't that meant our relationship was changing... but was our relationship ready to change? Was it strong enough to do so?

That's what scared me. Was our friendship strong enough? For everything? If Blake didn't like me that way, could we still be friends? If Blake liked me and I had just pushed him away now, could we still be friends?

"Earth to Lexi? Seriously, I hate when you do that, share the brain fart please?" Daph asked, waving her hand in front of my face.

"Sorry... gotta sort out my brain first, you know?" I said, my eyes trying to be apologetic.

"And I can't help you do that?"

I sighed. "It doesn't always have to be about me. What about you? What's going on with the flea market guy hmm?" I asked her.

Because it WAS the truth, I wasn't the only one confused on this Earth.

Daph shook her head slightly. "Nothing is going on, I'm not calling him, I'm moving on..." she answered, nodding to herself.

"And why is that? Why is it that every time you kinda really like someone you just give up right away and don't try harder? Why is it always just random guys you'd want to corner and then move on to the next one that we talk about?"

Resolving other people problems was always easier than solving your own...

"Because just like you, I'm scared of being attached," she snorted.

I frowned. I WAS scared of being attached wasn't I?

My mom and Alex again...

"And I have daddy issues," she added, grinning a little, and I shook my head, smiling just a bit. "But you know it's not because Alex and you didn't work out that every guy you'll date will end up gay. It's not because Alex didn't love you that no guy can love you."

"I know..." I whispered.

"It's not because Alex didn't love you that Blake can't either..." she added a little lower

I didn't say "I know" to this one. Because yes sure it's not because it hadn't work with Alex that it couldn't work with anyone... but actually thinking that BLAKE could like me was pretty hard to do, love me was near impossible.

Still, Daph looked like she was waiting for an answer, for something from me, but that's when a black Jeep Wrangler drove by us and stopped, Alex sticking his head out the window.

"Don't move!" he said and then drove a little further, and parked.

"I called him before kidnapping you," Daph explained.

"What did I miss?!" Alex yelled, running towards us a minute later.

"I'm a hermaphrodite," I told him, nodding sadly.

"Will she get fired for that or she'll get an augmentation Mister Pimp?" Daph asked him, grinning.

"Depends on what the customers say," Alex shrugged as we started to walk again, Daph on my right and Alex on my left.

"Am I screwing all up the "Get Lexi to spill her guts all over the place" mission? By being here I mean," Alex asked and I closed my eyes for a second shaking my head slightly.

"Is this an intervention?" I asked, snorting.

"Sort of..." they both answered at the same time and made me chuckle.

"Ah. What a mess am I really?" I told them in a fake dramatic voice.

"Yep! And we're here to help you clean it up!" Alex grinned.

"Comforting," I snorted again.

A car drove by and we moved in the grass to let it pass.

"Don't worry, we're pretty much all a big mess" Daph laughed shortly and I sighed at that before going back in the middle of the street to twirl around myself, spinning on one leg and then on the other.

"I'm not a mess," I heard Alex say and stopped my spinning to join them again "It's just a little problem I have to deal with, nothing big really..." he trailed and both Daphnee and I burst laughing.

"Oh you it's not even a problem what you have! Want ME to resolve everything? I'll buy you a shirt with "Sorry girls, I suck dicks" written on it! That ought to take care of it!" she told him and I covered my mouth with my palm to hide the major choking laugh I was doing.

Oh no, she didn't!

For a second I actually thought Alex's eyes would pop out of their sockets.

"Admit it, that would totally take care of it!" she smiled evilly.

"Have I ever told you you're crazy?" Alex asked dumbfounded.

"Numerous times," Daph nodded

"Well I'm saying it again! You're crazy!"

"Why thank you, I like being crazy, crazy people are just THE BEST!" she beamed and I smiled.

"Anyway, we're diverting here! We're supposed to deal with Lexi's mess!"

"When you say it like this I feel like we're plotting a way to hide all the bodies in my basement," I snorted, twisting my hair around in my hand, to not have so many strands that the wind blew in my face blinding me.

"Diverting again?" Daph smirked and I stuck my tongue out at her.

"Anyway who cares? It's a two way thing you know. We can plot and talk about it all we want, still if Blake feels the complete opposite or whatever!" I whined because it was the truth!

"I really don't think the problem is if the guy likes you here. It's more like do YOU like the guy?" Alex said.

"Ya but even if I DID like the guy, if he doesn't like me, it really doesn't matter you know!" I answered him.

"Oh please! You weren't the audience during your little lip-lock thing! I even felt like I was out of place and should be looking elsewhere. Seriously, I was almost hyperventilating for you! So I wouldn't worry too much about how he feels!" Daph pitched in

"But that's just the way Blake is! He makes everything confusing and mind troubling and hyperventilating and he makes you feel like ..." How to explain how Blake made me feel? I couldn't even explain it to myself. "There's just nothing clear with Blake but everything still feels as if it is, when you're with him. If that makes sense?"

That was the thing though; nothing about Blake made sense in a way.

Daph was smirking at me when I looked at her. Alex a little too.

"What?" I asked them, frowning.

They both shook their heads and said "Nothing."

"No no, there's something."

"Lexi, stop worrying. You think too much." Alex smiled at me.

"There's no such thing as thinking too much." I scowled a little even though it really was the truth; I just wasn't going to agree to this.

You had to think things out if you didn't want to have your heart broken.

I hadn't though about it enough when I had kissed Alex in ninth grade before going to my vacation to Hawaii with my family. I hadn't thought it through enough.

Like Alex had said when he was drunk the other day, if we hadn't kissed, we wouldn't have gone out and he wouldn't have broken my heart and I wouldn't be over thinking things right now.

Because even though I knew now that Alex wasn't the love of my life and what I had felt for him might not have been true love like in the movies and in the books, still, when it had happen it had been sharp and painful... and it was something that I would always carry now. It was healed. But the scar was always there, nagging and reminding me that feelings could be the messiest thing around.

That feelings could be wrong. That you yourself could even be wrong about your own feelings.

And that scared me. What if what I thought I felt for Blake wasn't really true. What if I was making myself like him?

Even though it didn't feel that way at all... even though what I thought I felt for Blake felt like the truest thing in my life right now...

We kept walking for a little while longer, joking and talking about none important things to lighten the mood I think.

We also talked about Vanessa arrival that was just in a few days. The four of us would be united again.

The four screw up minds.

When I finally got home, I felt... not better... but I was okay. My mind still wasn't completely clear but at least... I wasn't freaking out as much.

Oh who was I kidding! I was still freaking out as much!

"So you had a nice walk kid?" dad asked, when I walked by the living room, the boys still at the exact same spot I had left them.

When I said yes to my dad and looked at Tyler that's when something occurred to me.

"Holy frack! I left without you!" I gasped.

I had left Tyler at school earlier today! I had driven back home without him!

Wow, way to be a good sister Lexi!

"Ya, sweet move Lexi, real smooth!" Tyler said, in his know-it-all voice.

I bit the inside of my lips nervously.

Bad bad sister!

"Aww don't sweat it, it's fine, Blake drove me home," Tyler said, and fixed his gaze back to the television.

"What?" I asked, my body completely freezing.

"Blake saw me scowling in the parking lot and offered to drive me. Maybe I should trade him for you. Having a brother I could actually punch and not being scared of hurting could be awesome!"

I ignored that remark "Blake drove you HERE?"

"Yes, nice kid he is. He wanted to talk to you but I said you didn't want to talk with anyone and be left alone," my father said nonchalantly.

"WHAT!?" My shriek surprised them both because they jumped on the spot "You told him not to come and talk to me!? You... shit shit frack frack!" I started to mumble my eyes bulging.