WARNINGS — suicidal thoughts (please be cautious if you are struggling right now, i love all of you)

what does it feel like to feel nothing? to feel like your life has succumbed to the never-ending cycle of disaster. a pit in your stomach, sucking all the life and happiness from out of you. and the only thing that resides in you is the dead, nonhappy parts.

what has your life become to? what even is your purpose. do you even have a purpose? did you even have the will to live?

did you even want to live?

you raised your head from your pillow, only to put it down again. you felt empty, you felt nothing, you felt like nothing. it's been days of you laying under the covers of your bed, not sleeping, not awake either. you were in a middle state of observing, contemplating, spitting harsh remarks at yourself.

'you're worthless, you're pathetic, you're insane,' bantering back and forth in your mind like your favorite song on loop, 'you ruin everything you touch. you're a mistake, you're toxic.' you ruined everything for yourself. from the day you were born, you knew the world was not ready to accept you. you knew that your life was going down this path, but you had the chance to stop that. but ever since you were introduced to cocaine and the effect it made you feel. the happiness it made you feel. you never went back. it ruined you and everyone around you, but you didn't care, 'you don't deserve to live.'

you didn't deserve bucky. you never did. living a perfect life with bucky was never going to happen. all you did was evoke bad memories of his dead fiancee back to him and brought him down with you in the train of your addiction.

you deserved no one, not bucky, not wanda, not pietro, not even chase

after he almost choked you to death, it didn't stop there. it wasn't as dramatic as the choking, but he did subtle things like kick you in the legs if you didn't talk to him or push you if you didn't do what he told. it's like a never-ending hell, and you couldn't even do anything about it. you wanted to scream, run, anything to get yourself away from here.

but this is a motel, everyone minds their own business and doesn't do shit about it, and even if you ran away, you would always go back to him.

you already accepted that. you knew that whatever chase does to you, you will always go back to him. you wanted someone's company, knowing that your not alone even if you wanted to be left alone. you kept telling yourself that bucky was just a substitute for chase, keeping him around when chase was gone. but he was more than that. he was someone that made you smile, laugh, made you feel things you never felt before. and you and your impulsive decisions just had to ruin it.

you didn't want to die. death scared you. ever since your mom almost died from a cocaine overdose. but, luckily, your aunt was able to drive her to the hospital fast enough. you saw it all happen, from her falling and seizing on the floor and the foaming in her mouth. you tried everything to stop it, thinking it was your fault even though it had nothing to do with you. it was one of those days you fully stomached the idea that your life was fucked up.

but on the other hand, you didn't want to live. and there are many reasons as to why.

you just wanted to sleep forever, where you couldn't hurt anyone, and no one could hurt you. endless darkness of nothing where you can lay and lay forever in the deep sleep of your dreams.

you slapped your face as tears flushed from your eyes, not even knowing that you were crying. you looked to the side of you, seeing your jacked-up phone beside you. many missed calls from wanda, many from pietro, some from chase even though he could break down your bedroom door and talk to you here.

you didn't want to talk to wanda. you didn't have the energy to. she was going to lecture, come over and smother you, and you didn't want that. you just wanted to rant, spit out all your feelings to the person who actually listens, pietro.

you gathered all your strength to prop yourself right side up on your bed, laying on the bed frame. you grabbed your phone, pressing missed the notification to call pietro back.

"hello?"

"wow, you picked up fast."

you heard him chuckled from the other side of the phone, "yeah, i'm just surprised. didn't know if you were still alive."

"well, i guess i am! —— um, pietro, is wanda there with you?"

"no, she's at work right now, working late, i suppose. rent is going up, so we're just getting our dues done."

you shook your head like he could see you from the other side. you took a deep breath as you already felt more tears coming down, "pietro, i'm so sorry that i disappeared for a whole month. and i'm sorry that i didn't pay you back the full six-hundred, and i will bu-"

"y/n, it's fine, it's fine, don't worry, beautiful — you sound like your crying, what's wrong?"

you stayed silent for a while. you didn't want to tell pietro about chase's recent collateral damage. you knew he would immediately jump up from his place, and then a full-on fight with him and chase would happen, and honestly, you were too mentally drained for any of that. you took a deep breath.

"so the guy that i cheated on chase with. i liked him more than i thought i would, and we went on this whole adventure where i just felt comfortable with him, but i fucked it all up. and i don't know if it's my fault because he's at fault too, and when i came back, chase was all mad at me. and i just- i'm tired pietro, mentally, i'm out of options, cocaine ain't doing it for me anymore. i just- i just need something, tell me something, please."

"y/n. i'm sorry for how your feeling right now, and i'm sorry that i wasn't a better friend and helped you when needed. and i don't know if i can give you the best advice or the advice you need right now, but here's this. if you truly love someone, and i mean truly —— go for it, it may never be too late to change things around."

you paused after his words to really take them in. you already knew you loved bucky, and you truly loved him but was it enough to go back to him. try to make things right? would he even want you back? you didn't know if you wanted to take that risk. the humiliation if he casts you out. you didn't even know if he was even back in brookyln.

"i want the best for you y/n, and if this is then, go for it. i got to go. call me back or visit soon."

and with that, he hunged up, you slid back down in your bed. thinking. thinking about your next choice in action. either you stay in this depressive slump for the rest of your life and die like your mother. or get up and go see bucky. the only person you wanted, the person you truly loved.

there was only one right choice.

© HQYLOFT