Chapter 19

Well, one good thing came out of Luke's shitty outburst. After he realized what he did and heard what I had to say, I think he started to feel guilty. It would make sense considering later that night, he gave me back the freedom of being on my own; by myself and sleeping alone. I couldn't think of a better night for this either. Because after what he did today, I wasn't as guilty with what I was about to do as I was before.

He caught me too many times before on too many occasions. But tonight, I had to make sure that wouldn't happen again. I sat up until 3:30, waiting, knowing that he would at least be on guard this particular night. I mean, honestly, he isn't that stupid. The first night you give a unstable crazy kid back her freedom, you can't just think everything will be okay. No, I knew he was sitting up, watching and waiting for me to try to escape through my window or door.

Unfortunately, I knew that I had to do this tonight and not wait another night. Clare knew that Luke gave me my freedom back, knew that I was back in my bedroom, sleeping alone and with no one in the room watching. I also knew she wouldn't try to come in my room tonight for the same reason I waited until after 3:00am: Luke was alert. But if a few nights passed with me still here, showing that I was a good little daughter, he would start to trust I wouldn't do anything. Would expect me to not try anything else if I hadn't already. That would be my best time to escape. When he wouldn't be expecting it. But that would also be the time Clare would know his guard is down and come find me. Come into my room at night and hurt me, torture me, and somehow get Luke to believe my damage would have been self inflicted.

I had to take that risk of going tonight. He might still be up, waiting past 3:00am. But I wasn't sticking around any longer, not when Clare will have her chance to make a move.

I waited until 3:30 also because I hoped by that time, he would have gone to bed. He had work in the morning and I knew that sleep was crucial, especially for a cop. He would at least have to try to get some sleep tonight no matter how much he would want to watch and wait for a sign. He would stay up for a while before knowing he had to go to bed. So I assumed that by 3:30 he would have had to at least attempt sleep since he gets up early for work.

When the numbers on my clock illuminated the two threes and one zero, I quietly moved off my bed and to my closet. Grabbing my new bag he bought me at the mall, I turned around and took in my room and I internally sighed. Why did the guy have to be rich? It was nice having things. But not when I have to say goodbye to them a few days later. I could sell some stuff but it wouldn't be worth the time or the effort.

I was already dressed and ready with a dark hoodie and jeans. I packed a pair of warmer pants and a few shirts as well as a pair of boots. Before you start, know that yes, I know it's summer and I was packing boots and warm clothes. I realize that, you morons. But being on the street required sleeping there too. And it wouldn't be summer forever. I wasn't looking forward to the winter months. I'll be in a bad mood for months straight.

As I packed, I forced myself to not touch some of the really nice clothes I liked as well as the warm comforter because that would take up too much space. I still needed to fill the bag with enough food and water to last me enough time until I could get more later. I was also pondering for a few hours now whether I should go into Luke and Clare's room and take some of her jewelry. It wouldn't take much space and it would help with money. But it was a huge risk because I could wake them. Then, I'd be back to square one. I didn't plan on buying drugs this time since there was no drive to anymore and really, it was too much money. It would be different and interesting to see how well I'll do this time around since I'll require more money over time and spend it on other things I need more.

This time around....

Rubbing the back of my neck, I sat down on my bed again after my bag was packed with everything I would need from my room. I needed to leave and go. Runaway. It won't be hard to leave. I didn't suddenly start growing fonder of Clare and want to stay. I was even willing to give up Luke's friendship. It wasn't even that I felt a little bad and guilty for all he still did for me. It was knowing that I was leaving this place that provided me with food and shelter and even a bed. More than that, the contents of a fucking mansion. It would be a shock, moving from this back to sleeping in alleyways and in public bathrooms. Though it would be worth it to get away from Clare... it's going to be a bitch. It sounds like I'm doing this for the first time with how I can't help but ponder over this, things I have already been through. But it's because I experienced living on the streets already that I am just trying to get it in my head that I will be returning to that. I didn't hesitate the first time in leaving. Anything was better than being here was my thought process before and it still is.

However, unlike last time when I left, I didn't have experience on the streets and now, a year later, in the same spot, now I do. It wasn't the house, the people in it, that made me hesitate. I wasn't scared of being absent of this place. I was just scared of going back to living on the streets.

Nights spent with strangers in small places. Shame hung high over my head when I would sit on a curb, shaking a cup of a few pennies and if lucky enough, maybe a few dollar bills. Filth crawling over me, aware of my own stench. And the sounds of fading traffic and the sensation of cold nipping at my face. I had my bed of concrete - which was very pleasant, you can imagine. Fear of my surroundings were all that kept me alert, my home anywhere and with anybody. Sometimes drunk middle-aged men a few yards down the alley, sometimes the screeching rats by the dumpsters. Stealing, trading with the local bums, falling into a society that is below the lower class. Nothing to do, say, feel that would change anything at all. Nothing. A life revolved around the steps taken in pursuit of nothing. One that involved waking with the anticipation of falling into darkness that night of that new day. One where you take advantage of the days the church wants to feed the homeless - which, yes, is ironic because Jesus knows how fond I am of living in the streets, freezing and often sick.

Well, maybe it wasn't too bad I was leaving if I have those thoughts. I didn't want to be soft and didn't even want to admit that I was already close enough to qualify to be soft. That was one plus of leaving: I can maybe get my cold-hearted and numb self back. That would be nice instead of this constant wave of emotion and thought.

Shaking my head, I cleared my thoughts. No matter how scared... I had to do this. This was my last shot of getting out and I had to succeed.

With that, I stood up and picked up my bag. Sighing, I headed towards the door and, as softly as I could, I slowly swung it open, happy not a loud creak reached the air. I slowly made my way downstairs and to the kitchen. I needed to pack as much food as I could. So I shoved a shit ton of granola bars in my bag as well as a few apples, a package of ham, bread, and whatever else was available in the fridge and cupboards that would fit.

By the time I was done with that, and shoving my mouth full of food I couldn't pack, I grabbed a large knife from the block on the counter and folded some of my clothes around it in the bag. Never knew what to expect on my own but I did know the relief I use to get when I felt somewhat protected.

After I was finished with that, I got a few other essential things before making my way to the front door. This was it. I was leaving and I won't be back. In that moment as I approached the door, the thought of Luke entered my mind for some reason. Before I could even let another thought of him pass though, something took my attention from my thoughts. Something that made me freeze when I grasped the handle of the door.

"Sweetie, weren't you going to say goodbye to mommy first?"

I heard that annoying voice before I felt her hand on my arm, gripping tightly. I gasped, my chest jumping at the sound of her light and playful voice. No, no, no.... I whipped my head behind me and caught the sight of Clare. She was standing not a foot away with her hand stubborn to not let my arm go, even when I jerked at the contact. Though the lights were off, I could still see her face illuminated from the living room windows. A smirk rested on her lips, her eyes looking at me playfully. As if this was fun, as if this were a game, as if I was her bitch at that moment. And I nearly believed it from the hatred in her eyes.

I tried jerking away, pushing my body as far away from hers. But she would just grip tighter and stumble with my attempt. I heard her chuckle under her breath after I kicked her hard in the leg. Before I could throw myself to the floor or anywhere away from her, she had me pressed me against the wall, her teeth shinning in a wide grin.

"Are you afraid, my young daughter?"

She was ready to kick my ass - or so her eyes seemed to tell me. After being home for so long, this was finally her chance to torture me. To beat me like she figures I deserved for coming back. She was right; fear did crawl through me at that moment. I was scared because I knew for a fact that if she did beat me now, it would be more than the usual cuts, hits, and kicks she made me endure so long ago. No, if anything, she would make sure I would remember this beating. It would be more like torture. Hell, maybe she would kill me. I wouldn't be surprised considering what she did to Emily . And Emily did nothing wrong and didn't deserve what Clare did to her. Now, I did do something wrong. I didn't want to imagine what Clare wants to do with me now.

"The only thing that I'm afraid of is having to stay here a minute longer and put up with your drama." I smirked, playing strong and wanting to see Clare uncomfortable. "I can't wait until Luke divorces your ass. Though he is trying to hold it together with you, he will leave you and start a family with another woman. Which I think would be best. I personally don't think Luke did anything to deserve having you kill off his future children. After all, it would be in your nature to kill and ruin that man."

Her smirk was gone and my heart jumped. I smiled, seeing her discomfort. "Oh, you bitch," she whispered harshly under her breath with a scowl. She wanted to hurt me; I guess that was pretty obvious with her next words. "You're lucky I don't beat your ass within an inch of your life right now."

I noted that she whispered again and the realization of why made my smile grow. Luke was just upstairs. "Go ahead. I dare you," I spit with a grin in her face. My words would have no real impact. She was already determined to beat me. And if she were to do it now, we both knew I would scream or struggle and it was too much of a risk of Luke waking and finding her beating me.

However, she smiled and stepped closer to me, gripping my arm harder. "Oh I will." She then focused her attention towards the table by the door and let go of me. She grabbed what looked to be her car keys before returning to where I stood at the door. "Let's go," she said quietly as she then slid her shoes on and reached beside me towards the front door, opening it.

I stared at her, debating internally whether to run out the door and not stop or first question what she was doing. Because at that moment, she looked back up at me and held the door open to the night world. She gestured for me to leave, go out the door with a sweeping motion. I couldn't help but be suspicious. I just stared at her. And when I didn't know what conclusion to make of that, she sighed and looked annoyed. "We don't have all day, you dumb bitch. Go. I want to get back a few hours before Luke gets up," she growled.

Really? I was the dumb bitch? She wasn't even making any sense! Yeah, that seems accurate. "Where are we going? Grocery shopping?" I asked sarcastically, having not a clue of what she meant. I swear, she was just as insane as she claimed I was. "If you were too stupid to notice, I was in the middle of something." Yeah, a little something called getting my ass out of this house and away from her crazy brain.

"Well, here's the plan my sweet daughter," she narrowed her eyes on me as I felt the night air creep into the house and over us with her still holding the door wide open. "You and I are going to get in my car and we are going to take a... little drive," she smirked at that last part and hearing the words as well as seeing the glint in her eye... I didn't like it one bit.

"Then," she continued with a high and light voice, showing me a sweet smile. "I'm going to hurt you." Her voice lowered and with each word that followed, her eyes grew with a fire that drilled in my eyes, showing her pure hate for me. "Hurt you and beat you after I take you to a place where nobody will hear you. I'm going to laugh at you... as I kick the cries out of you. Nobody will hear you scream because nobody cares about you. I'm going to cut your wrists and make you bleed."

I stared at her. After hearing that and being reminded that there was no hope... I just kind of wished she would kill me now. But I pushed those thoughts away like I usually force myself to do and chuckled. "And you expect me to willingly go with you now, so you will do that to me? You really are stupid," I said.

Her smile didn't fade. "Yes. Because after I'm done with you, I'll let you go. Let you run from there to wherever the hell you planned on heading tonight. I want you gone and the sooner, the better for Luke and I."

My eyebrows dipped and I stared at her, processing her words. Was she serious? She was going to help me get away after she beats me? I guess it really did make sense. She just wanted to get that last rough beating in before she would let me leave. She hated that I came home in the first place and made Luke discover that I was her daughter along with a few other facts she would have rather kept hidden. And lately, Luke has spent all his time with me and I'm sure she didn't like that. Despite how mean she is and cold-hearted... well she was also selfish and wants Luke back to herself. Yeah, I know pathetic. No matter how well Luke was trying to hold their marriage together, I could see through it and could see that it wasn't working; it was falling apart and it was because of me.

It made sense. But that didn't mean I was instantly willing. Even if it means I go free, it meant first enduring a hard beating. I would do it, accept it and go with her. But that didn't mean I would endure the beating. She didn't know of the knife that I just put in my bag a few minutes ago.

I nodded after a minute of thought, wondering in this was a trick. I highly doubted it was. It would be a much easier solution to just aid me in escaping rather than killing me. She would have to go through the worry, hiding me, the trouble of getting a solid story. Not to mention it would be a little more suspicious. People knew I was crazy but if they see I go missing again... and if they can't find me, people might assume Clare if they ever did get past seeing my 'insane' side. Yes, very doubtful. But still a risk not worth taking. After all, she went through too much dealing with my sister like that. She would know better than to do it again - and to me this time.

Yeah, I was positive she wasn't lying. Murder was something very possible with her but I don't think she would want to go through the drama afterwards again. Easier if she just let me go and runaway. No real mess to clean up.

I agreed to it before really knowing what I was getting into. I understood that I will get hurt. But I wasn't just going to let her do that to me. I would at least try to fight back. Because whether I am able to do so or not, I can't fight her or run right now. Hell, she might wake up Luke and have him come after me if I didn't agree to this. No, I would be free tonight, whether I fight her back or not. So why not fight back once she is ready to beat me?

I walked out of the door and figured she was coming behind me. But a few steps through the door and into the atmosphere of the night, I didn't hear the front door close. I turned around and saw she was still somewhere in the house. Not in sight, I grew suspicious before she came out through the front door, something in her hand this time. It made the hairs along my body stand on end and my stomach twisted. She was holding her knife. But not just any knife. For months and months, I had nightmares of that very knife. The same one that assisted in killing Emily, the same one she use to use on me when she would hurt me and cut me.

Something on my face must have given away that the sight of that knife made me sick. She smiled and looked at me as she quietly closed the door, grabbing the keys from her pocket with her other hand. "Well, I'm glad you remember. With this being the last time I use this on you, I think this moment... will not be soon forgotten either."

My stomach twisted tighter it seemed. This was the last beating Clare would give me. This was the last time I would see her. Meaning she would make this night of pain one I won't forget. Now there was no question in what I had to do knowing just how badly she planned on hurting me. I clutched at my bag as I held it, knowing that the moment she parks the car and drags me away into the woods to beat me, that's when I need to be ready. Somehow, I'm going to fight back. And whether I succeed in doing so or not... well it could determine my life. But as of now, that didn't look to be too big of a risk.