《toxic》through

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“it’s over. i don’t deserve to have to always deal with your screwed up shit. i’m so goddamn sick and tired of having to pick up the pieces of you and trying to put you back together over and over again just because you refuse to try to remain whole. i can’t keep plunging into this abysmal ocean of grief to try and save your drowning soul because darling, i’m starting to get too exhausted to swim. i know i’m not perfect and that i have flaws too. and i thought i could handle your imperfections and deal with them but baby, i don’t have it in me to pretend i’m okay, anymore. the weight of both of our pain is getting too heavy to carry on my shoulders alone. if you want me to save you, you have to understand that i need to save myself first. but you don’t understand that, do you? you never see my pain. you only see yours. that’s why i’m leaving, because though there may be someone out there who can keep you standing, i can’t be that person. i’m sorry. goodbye.”

these were the words i kept reciting in my mind as i walked to our home. i was weary and shattered, and my heart felt so broken and bruised it was difficult to even breathe. i knew what i had to do and i knew what i had to say; these were the words i would say to free myself from the torment of you, and i knew this was the only way i could escape to someplace better than here.

but when i opened the door to our home and saw the broken bottles scattered across the floor and the desperate look on your hopeless face, i remained silent. and instead of leaving, i found myself walking towards you and kissing your forehead and holding you in my arms, promising in quiet words that i’d never leave.

i shouldn’t have stayed and i know that. but i loved you too much to ever find it in myself to let go.

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