《toxic》can't
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the fall of '09 was going well for me. as the crimson and auburn leaves fell from the beautifully speckled trees of our otherwise terribly dull town, i felt okay. i felt whole again. i felt as if there was hope to start afresh.
but during the last sunset of that warm october evening, that hope faded away in a blink of an eye.
i was walking in the town's small park, where all the town's people strolled down in on humdrum nights, when the girl i'd known for years started to run towards me with a thrilled smile and elation painted all over her face. he's here, she had exclaimed to me before i had a chance to greet her. bewildered and taken aback, i had asked, who? who's here?
and she had answered that you were back.
in that moment my cheeks immediately began to warm up and my heart started to skip beats as i spotted you standing next to that hideous willow tree that faced the polluted stream that ran for miles across town. you were here again, and i didn't know why, but i wanted to see you. and so i made my way towards you silently, wondering how long you'd come back to visit. when i reached you, i didn't have the courage to call out your name so i lingered behind you just a few feet away as i watched you talk to and laugh with some of our old friends.
you looked so fresh and the tragedy that had once wrinkled your skin had become a ghost; i knew in that moment that you were still broken but you were alive, and that brought me relief. knowing that you were okay, i decided to start to head back home, because i was no longer a part of your life and you were no longer a part of mine -- so it was best if i left without saying hello.
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but then i heard our friends yell loudly in happiness.
"YOU'RE MOVING BACK?!" they had exclaimed. you had nodded with a big smile on your face as they shrieked in excitement.
and i ran.
i ran as quickly as i could, shock hitting my every nerve on my body. my heartbeat had suddenly quickened at such a speed that it was starting to get difficult to breathe and for a moment i thought i was about to faint right then and there. the beating of my heart thumped so loudly that i could hardly hear my friend's voice as she tried to assure me that it was going to be okay, that i was going to be okay. i couldn't understand a word that she was saying because i already knew that it was not going to be okay.
so i hurried back home and i lay on the floor of my bathroom as i tried to fight off the tears that kept trying to escape my eyes. and as words spilled out from my mouth shakily, i could feel the hysteria spreading through me and i couldn't seem to decide whether to laugh or to cry.
NO, i screamed to myself as my voice shook and my body trembled. i couldn't do this again. i couldn't breathe in the same air that you breathed in, not again. i knew i would only suffocate, and i knew that with you in this small town where hiding was impossible, i would never be able to start again. seeing your face for a brief second was fine with me but living where you lived -- no. i couldn't. i wanted to run away and escape the town right then and there, because i couldn't risk losing anything anymore, not again. because baby, i had lost so much including you.
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that night as i cried myself to sleep, i whispered four desperate and pleading words before i let exhaustion drown me: please don't come back.
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