I knock three times, three times with fear motivating my movements. I was ushered here by the anxious pleas of two grandparents--pleas that were filled with stuttered words of fear and love.

A deep breath pushes me to twist the handle with courage filling my lungs. When I step through the door, I can't help the devastation that drowns me, I can't help it because He's drowning. He's drowning in desperation and the burn of intoxication is on the shore. My gaze is frantic as it searches Him before falling on His eyes. My tote falling from my shoulder as I rush to Him. I reach for the bottle, my fingers grasping out at his skin before He devastatingly buries the bottle against His chest, against His heart.

His heart that I though was mine.

"What the hell happened?" My voice shakes from the heavy air that engulfs both of our shredded souls. My eyes dash about and my limbs move manically as I continue to be doused in the sight of spirit in His hands.

His answer is stuttered out so sorrowfully that I can't help the heavy weight that push my shoulders to fall, "A-a car. There wa-was a car and it-it."

I reach out to Him, praying that my love can bring Him back to break the surface to take in full breaths of air into His aching lungs, "Harry, Sunshine, put the bottle down. I can help you but only if you put the bottle down."

"I need a drink, I need it." He is defensive, He is terrified.

The quiver in my lip shakes my voice but I fay composure as best I can, I let my compassion lead my response instead of my fear, "Harry, I can help you. Let me help you, please give me the bottle."

I reach for His wrist but He creates a distance, a distance I can't break.

"I just need one drink."

I greaten the distance, each step back furthering the cracks in my heart, each pace snapping the strings of my love muscle. He's licked His thumb to wick the flame of my adoration, I attempt fervently to shield His accidental malevolence. My fingers flinch up to the ends of my hair as my vision blurs from the liquid glass that forms as I flash between His guarding hand and the catastrophic look on His face. I take in a breath of courage, I exhale all of my cowardice. I have to say it, even though it could change everything. He has to know I mean it. I won't feel sorry, this is a boundary and I will not allow anyone to overstep it, not ever again.

I stare Him in the eye, my sight burrowing into His tarnished soul, "If you drink that I'm gone."

"One drink." His plea forces an ache in my chest.

My head shakes slowly as my gaze falls back to the elixir,"If one drop of that touches your tongue, I'm leaving and I will not come back."

"You know it's not that easy," He lifts the bottle towards His lips with anger seething in His raising tone.

I can't help the sob that leaves my chest. My shielded flame cannot take the hazard of His wettened thumb, it's spent and tired. I can see the guilt flash in His eyes, the pain that paints His features as a beautifully tragic mosaic.

A mosaic with emerald for irises and amethyst sclera. One with sapphire overtaking peach moonstone cheekbones and darkening ruby lips. Tiger eye and brown opal curls that take the brunt of anxious fingers.

He's beautiful, He's tragic. He is a work of art that has been trapped inside a vault so as to be found when the time is right. I had slowly been picking at the lock to bring Him out for display as the centerpiece of my study but He may not be ready for the light of day yet.

I wanted to study Him forever, a lifetime of study.

My selfishness grips my mind and berates me with pleas to keep him, appeals to wrap my arms around Him and mend His broken heart. I've fallen off the cliff for Him but now I don't trust that I'll be able to catch my weight, I need to be able to stop the bone crush.

My cries chop apart my begging, "I can't do this again," a sob cuts through my words as I pull at the ends of my hair again. "I'm not strong enough to do this again."

"It's just one, it won't hurt anything. It'll be the last one." He begs adamantly, He wants me to tell Him it's okay, that I'll forgive Him, even if I well and truly won't.

I can't say I will forgive truly, so I will not say it at all.

I drop my shaking head into my hands, my howls brushing hot air against my palms as my shoulders shiver from the weight. We stand at a distance, unable to reach out and stop the harrowing storms plaguing our minds. I lift my tear stained cheeks from my hands, meeting His reddened gaze, "I will not put myself through this again. I will not coddle you through this. I've done that before and it royally fucked me over."

"It's just one drink," His voice cracks as I feel the affliction radiating off of my skin. A lump sits held in my throat, my hands turn to clams.

"No," a tone full of agony tears up my vocal chords, "I will not bear witness to another binge that lasts days. Ones that are full of broken promises and earth shattering disappointments."

"Phoebe," He gasps out with poorly disguised desperation, "It'll be the last one. Please."

"That's what she'd always say too. She'd say, 'If you just let mommy do this for the weekend, we'll have fun this week.' She'd promise me that if I let her get her fix that she'd make sure Teddy and I got to go to school. I won't do this again. I'm not strong enough."

"Sunsh-," He starts but I interrupt Him.

"No. I already told you, I will not stay. If you even take a sip of that, I'm out of here. I know how to leave now, so if you go through with this, you can kiss any chance of ever speaking to me ever again goodbye." The sincerity in my voice feels like a knife has just been pushed into my chest as I hold a blade to His as well.

"Sunshine, I can't do this anymore."

"And neither can I, Harry."

The tears that welt up finally fall, leaving trails behind. He sniffles back sobs and looks down at me, staring at me with that same admiration He always has.

I see the torment in His eyes, I want to help Him but I know it will tear me apart brick by brick with to take that bottle from His hand and my defenses aren't up, it'll put me through a hell that I believed I'd finally escaped.

One last attempt, one last grasp at His wrist, a tight clasp that I don't release as He turns to set Himself between the bottle and I. All I can do is stare with glassed eyes because I could never say the pleas that run through my mind.

'I love you. I love you. I love you to pieces. You pierce my soul and I so sincerely admire and love you. I do love nothing in the world so well as you—please, never leave me. I love you, please don't make me leave.

If you love me, please don't do this. Don't do this to us.

Pretty please with cherries on top.

He's already chipping at me, breaking me down.

The clouds that cover the Sunshine. A shadow has been cast over His blinding and brilliant blazes of bright light. Rays that I prayed would wrap around me and drag me through the dark, intercessions that begged for warm meadows of lush green grass and rich wood strengthened by warm light as the destination.

I'd found it--hazel waves that get tangled in slumber, lush green that take in everything so that the world can be reimagined with fervent dedication, Sunshine that pulled me out from the dark wood on a path cultivated with conquerable obstacles.

I've lost it--hazel waves slicked down by a restless hand, lush green that is now spent over with storm showers and bloodshed. The Sunshine that pulled me out of the dark wood on a path cultivated with conquerable obstacles has been forced behind clouds, night cover conquers Him and exiles me away.

I can see the torment this is putting Him through, He can't do this.

The bottle tips back, the slow flowing liquid slides down, my eyes widen at the forest fire. A destructive fire that will inevitably scorch those hazel waves and lush green meadows.

It won't be his last drink, I can see it in his eyes.

I fall to my knees as a hurt gasp turns into defeated weeps. My palms cover my mouth to shelter the whimpers that flood from my mouth. They're raw and brutal and beating me to the ground. My heart cracks, the strings snap in my love muscle, I've crumbled completely, I've crashed down as his thumb wicked the candle out.

No match could reignite this flame, it has no fuel to keep it alive, not anymore.

Chains and weights, they hold me to the worn wooden floor as my soul spills out in saltine trails.

Steps away. The clink of a bottle placed on the counter. Paces back to stand in front of the wreckage of me.

He stands there in discomforting silence, he cannot help me, all he can do is watch.

Eventually, my hands are brought down to my sides and I push my weakened body to stand. I bring the heels of my palms to rub away the streams of sadness, swiping my fingers in an attempt to build back up the dams to no avail. I step gingerly to him, placing my hands on his chest to press a kiss to his jaw. I step back and as I do I see the hope rising in him, I feel it rising in me, our eyes widening in petition and our brows dropping in question. I shake off the hope in my own mind as I answer his with a shattered expression. I raise my figure onto my toes as I press our quivering lips together.

One last kiss. A kiss goodbye.

"Goodbye Harry," my voice cracks and my posture is lessened by the flattening of my feet back on the ground.

Paces back, distancing myself as I bring my tote back onto my shoulder. My mind is reeling as his heavily suffered expression forces my head to hang lowly. I've sincerely destroyed everything, I've truly lost him.

"Goodbye, my Sunshine." I hear him whisper as I close the door.

Absent stares at the worn wooden door, pitifully awaiting his resurgence. Woefully watching for the moment the door will swing open and crash into the wall, the moment when he will throw himself into my arms and crash his lips into mine. My mind tells me he won't walk through that door, that I've willingly walked out of his life. My heart is holding out that he knew I didn't mean it, that he will come bursting out and wrap his arms around me and stop my bones from crushing on the ground below.

The Sunshine of my life, Harry Styles, is gone. My guiding light, the singular sunbeam that led me through my darkness as I stepped past the dysmorphic mirrors of my cells to reach out to hold his hands through the bars. I wanted to live for him, I wanted to let him show me how to live, I wanted to. He'd found live, he'd discovered it as I watched. He could have shown me. I wanted him to. The Sun has set below the skyline and I'm left to wander the pitch black night alone. The afternoons with golden rays warming my skin are gone.

Days of his fingering a guitar neck and plucking at the strings are gone. I won't see his brows furrowed in concentration as he attempts to recreate the world in a singular note. His fingers will never trace my figure or the space between us in his sheets. Nights will be lonesome, I'll fall asleep alone, he won't be there to hold. Mornings will be solitary, his favorite records won't spill on vinyl as I twirl around in the kitchen, a button down wrapped around my body. No more kisses in the kitchen or dances in refrigerator light. No more heavenly mornings and divine nights. Wandering down aisles of records will be lonely, I won't search shelves for vinyls to admire with him. Book pages will be sorrowfully reminiscent, a word won't be written that doesn't remind me of him. Dorthea's Record Store will no longer be a gleeful part of my routine, that Sinatra vinyl will never be checked out under the same name, I won't get the pleasure of seeing him hold back that beautiful smile he has, the one only I got to see. I'll never ask him to braid my hair or paint my nails. I'll never be here again. My life will be lived pathetically sulking over the memories I have of him.

My sight shifts down to the sky blue polish chipping on my fingernails. The tears that have been held back are let go, the dam finally fully broken, as I gasp out heaving breaths and stumble down the stairs. My breathing is staggered and uneven as howls rise up from my throat.

I was right, I won't have a forever. I was wrong, I did want a forever.

Rain pours so heavily that the clothes on my back stick to my skin like glue. The world around me is a mirror reflection of my pathetic vulnerability. Rain was something unspokenly significant to Harry and I, every remarkable moment that ever happened between us occurred when it rained. The first day I ever saw him, it rained. The night when I kissed him and I told him I wanted him, we danced in it. When I finally told him why I dyed my hair blonde and he told me why he drank and couldn't be near a car, it poured. I guess it's fitting then, that now that it's ended, it's pouring down the hardest it ever has.

And as I walk home in this storm, I realize that I have to learn how to live without him.

I'm being forced to make the world my muse, to scribble down intricacies of a life without his light. I'm being forced to make the world my heart, to love the intricacies of a life without him.

I have to learn to live without him.