1.21.2

The Wild Animal

Astrid gulped against the rising tears that clawed up the back of her throat in the guise of an itch.

“I really liked him,” she finally said on trembled voice. “He was the first one I really felt safe with. That I always felt safe with.”

The captain nodded knowingly.

She downed another swig of whatever it was he’d given her, careless of its name or effects.

“If I were the others… I would hate me.”

“No, you wouldn’t. You just can’t see it right now because it’s easier to blame yourself. Then maybe there’s something you could have been done differently. Some illusion of control.

“But I could have chosen another. I could have recruited from any Sanctuary. Maybe a Channeler didn’t need to be involved at all and everything could have played out exactly the same.

“My men stand between the attackers and attacked. They would have done so without you. At least, in this case, we know the name of who we protect. We judge them worth it. Karth would. I knew him well enough to know that.”

“I would have rather gone.”

“Because surrendering is easier. And losing someone that way is not supposed to be easy, Hale. That doesn’t mean surrendering is the right thing to do.

“It is a blessing of our nature to be so invested in one another. You Channelers have been denied that. But it is how our species evolved in the first place.

“I believe,” London concluded, “that we may yet see the day when more Channelers and Statics fight and die for each other, just like you and Karth did today. And that is how we move forward.”

Astrid needed another moment before she could speak. Only after a few more sips, and a replay of everything that happened since the alarms first sounded, did she find some semblance of objectivity, however fragile.

They were still, as London explained, a team on a mission. All of them.

“Sir, before we left the Bridge, you told Hammond to be ready to ‘execute’ a ‘contingency’…?”

“Yes,” Captain London replied. He measured his words before he answered further, however. “In the event that invaders overwhelm our team, the Medical Lab and Engine Room can be sealed. The Bridge can also be isolated, securing Ricks, Hammond, and Shaely. As long as Carl can get to any one of them, he, too, can be saved. After that, the airlocks and cargo hold can be opened, and the ship vented.

“It’s a tactical contingency that preserves the integrity of the Aldebaran and her flight crew, which can then see her back to Earth. Intact, if considerably lighter and having failed in her mission. But not every life need be lost.”

It was not a contingency that could have saved the commander. But it did serve a stark reminder that things could have gone way worse.

“That’s bleak,” Astrid thought aloud.

“But it must be considered. Better to have a bleak plan in place than no plan at all and risk losing unnecessary lives…

“And I’m afraid we are not out of the weeds yet,” Captain London extended. “We still don’t know how they found us. Not only that, but Graves had information. The names of the crew. Even on Thedes, he seemed to have at least heard rumor I brought a Channeler aboard. A sensitive and particularly guarded secret. Until we discover how he knew, or how the S.O. located us, it may very well happen again.”

“How do you think he knew?”

“Maybe the men we picked up on Penelope Station planted something. Or worse, maybe the soldiers that came to collect them did. But Dell sweeps the ship regularly for things like that. The prospect I most dread, is that maybe someone aboard helped him. If it wasn’t the soldiers or the captives… that still leaves about twenty others.”

“You really believe someone on the crew…?”

“No, I don’t. But the S.O. found us, nonetheless.”

Perturbed, Astrid drained the last of her drink. They fell into silence under the gravity of the night’s implications.

“The deck is likely cleared now,” Captain London announced after a time. “I know it to be uncomfortable to clean up after such an encounter. You’ll be excused by merit of this being your first time, but in the future, you will be expected to aid the others. Prepare yourself.

“For now, I imagine you’ll want to clean yourself up.”

“Yes, please, sir.”

“After, when paperwork is filed and our crewman put to rest, have Carl get into our limited liquor rations.”

Astrid nodded, set her drink glass back on the table, and excused herself.

Being back out in the halls however, felt odd. A part of her still expected that in her trek to divest her armor, she would somehow cross paths with her genteel commander.

But, of course, he never appeared.

The others also seemed to have disappeared. Either, she supposed, seeing to the details of Karth’s care, or perhaps looking for alone time themselves.

Only Rue sat in the cargo hold when Astrid arrived. The blonde looked to her, scowled, then returned to whatever she worked on at her bench.

Recalling Tenya’s advice to ignore it, Astrid made her way to the lockers anyway. She cleaned up, dressed down, and put everything away while her mind replayed the events of the last few days over and over.

Indeed, her whole journey proved unfathomable beyond the Keeper’s warnings.

To be greeted with suspicion, then friendship. To be challenged and pushed. To have to stand both on her own, and with the strangers she grew close to.

Even Rue, prickly as she was, became a known element. But, while Astrid tucked her locker shut, she slowed in thought.

Somewhere in her, Astrid realized she’d expected Rue to be more receptive once she took her first life. She wanted to believe that they might find some middle ground now that the Channeler demonstrated a willingness to kill for them. That she wasn’t weak.

But instead of the mutual, if silent, accord she anticipated, steely rejection remained.

After such a deep change within, Astrid found herself determined for resolution. She couldn’t take it anymore. If they were to keep shedding blood together, the stalemate must end.

Astrid walked over to the muscled shoulders hunched in the dark.

“Rue?”

“What?”

“Do you have a minute?”

“Not really.”

“Okay,” Astrid replied, slowly. Then, with renewed irritation, she pressed. “Well, I’m going to talk anyway.”

She unceremoniously dragged a crate around to a makeshift seat and plopped herself before the soldier.

“I’m sorry, about what happened today.”

Rue’s face pinched together. The woman shoved her things into a box and moved the collection further away. As if Astrid's proximity tainted anything nearby. “All he had to do was give you up. He didn’t need to die.”

“I know. That’s why I’m sorry.”

“And that makes it better?!” Rue snapped. She shot a glare in Astrid’s direction. After a moment, the trooper seemed to think better of it, and she bowed her head again over her work, now a couple meters further away. “I told you you were going to get people killed.”

“If I could have traded places with him, I would have-”

“You could have! You could have stepped up, and turned yourself in. The captain doesn’t own you! You’re not even supposed to be here!”

“I-”

“You know what, Channeler?! Don’t even try! Why are you talking to me, instead of Tenya, or Anders?”

“I… don’t know. I thought-”

“No! You came to me because you’re feeling guilty! Because you know this is your fault and you want someone to put the blame where it's deserved! It’s like you can’t help it! You’re a beaten dog begging to be euthanized!”

Astrid’s heart clenched to be on the receiving end of such ire, yet again. Suddenly defensive, she scowled at the bitter woman.

“The captain says we’re supposed to fight for each other.”

“Given what just happened I think we both know the captain has shitty judgement lately.”

“Rue-”

“Stop saying my name!” The woman hurled one of her tools, harder than necessary, into a nearby bin.

Astrid puffed, annoyed. “When are we going to get past this?”

“We’re not! Stop trying. Do us all a favor and turn yourself over before you get the rest of us killed!”

“Turn myself over…?” Not, Astrid noted, “go back”, or "go home".

A faint darkness churned. One she’d felt within Rue several times before. It had become as familiar as Tenya’s smile, or the lieutenant's contemplative gaze.

It stirred when Rue first called her ‘Deathborn’. When she attacked Astrid outside the sleeping quarters. When she raved, and accused, and called her…

“A wild animal…” Astrid’s lips parted. She waded through the dark now. She didn't try to block it out or will it away. She seeped in the feeling Rue exuded from behind her white noise, brazen. “That’s what you called me that night you ambushed me…”

“It’s what you are.”

“It’s also what Graves called me when he tried to nab me on Thedes.”

“So?” Rue bristled. “I’m surprised more people don’t see it.”

“That’s… also what got us into that meeting with Benson,” Astrid alleged. The niggling feeling in her head split wider. “Isn’t it?”

Rue went stone-cold quiet.

“‘A wild animal to be put down’." Astrid repeated the words. Aloud, and in her head, over and over. So specific.

The feeling that reeked from Graves when he snarled it matched Rue's. That one turn of words shifted Benson's sociability on a dime. Rue warned Astrid to never speak it again, but the Channeler inferred Rue guarded her own self-image. Not a secret.

"It wasn’t just a coincidence or an idiom,” Astrid realized. “It’s a sign. A dog whistle.”

A passphrase.

Rue met her eyes with acute severity, and all at once, Astrid knew.

And Rue knew that she knew.

“It’s you!”