2.9.1

Reality Check

“How are you holding up?” Tenya queried, when Astrid didn’t respond.

The Channeler turned her attention to how Tenya’s brown fingers picked through leaves and stems to inspect them for signs of damage or sickness.

“As good as can be expected. I feel like I think about it too much. But then, if I stop even for a second, it feels like I’m abandoning them. Stressing about it is the only thing I do that doesn’t make me feel like I should be doing something else.”

“I’m amazed you’re not wearing a path in the deck,” Tenya comforted. “If it were my kids… shit…”

Reminded of Tenya’s family, Astrid realized the empathy came from something real. That maybe, just because she felt responsible, didn’t mean she must carry it alone.

“I feel like I need to give my heart a break, but I feel guilty every moment I’m not actively tracking them down.”

“I get that,” Tenya supplied. “But you could make yourself sick on that. You know this thing only goes so fast.”

“Yeah,” Astrid lamented, “I know.”

“Well, when was the last time you felt anything else? That you actually paused, even for a second?”

Astrid scowled while she thought to herself. She turned her back to the table and rested against it, beside Tenya. She folded her arms while her brain flipped through transient memories. Ever since Anders gave her the preliminary details, what happened to Endra all but consumed her.

In fact, from the time she rejoined the Aldebaran, tiny moments with Anders left the only marks in the perpetual haze of anxiety. And even those served up little more than confusion. At best, a brief destabilization that shook her from her gloom.

Astrid’s cheeks warmed to remember how the gentle fizzle of his earnest energy enveloped her and cut through the dense, imposing fog. Captain London’s sudden arrival upheaved the moment before she even understood why.

“Whoa.” Suddenly, Tenya leaned back from the table and peered into Astrid’s face. “What is that?”

Astrid cleared her throat and cast her eyes into the shades of the small common lounge. But she didn’t need a psychologist to explain that if she felt caught in something, that revealed enough.

“I genuinely don’t know,” Astrid disclosed.

“Oooh!” Tenya, bright eyed now, turned engaged. “Is this about Anders?”

Astrid squirmed. She could easily dismiss the perceived shift in the man as some kind of trick of the mind. But not if she hadn’t been the only one to notice.

“How-.. how did you-?”

Tenya absolutely lit up, extremely pleased with herself. “Ooh, I just knew it! I knew there was something, and he kept stonewalling me! Anderson Reeves, I know you better than you think!”

Triumphant, Tenya cheered to no one in particular.

“Then you know more than I do,” Astrid unfolded her arms and straightened. She suddenly felt on the spot. And if Anders didn’t want to share… “It’s not exactly good for my calm, that much I know.”

“Oh, Kitten, come on! Are you going to deny it, too?”

“I told you, Tenya, I am absolutely clueless about this stuff. I don’t even know for sure we’re picking up the same things. Maybe he’s just being protective. Like an older brother or something.”

“Um, no,” Tenya flippantly denied with a wave of her hand. “Romo is an older brother. Anders is different. I’ve seen it before, remember? When he cares, he can’t help it.”

“Cares?”

Tenya bobbed her head, to leave no room for doubt. “Oh yeah. And judging by how sketchy you’re being about it, too, I’d say there’s definitely something there. Or you wouldn’t be getting all squirrely right now.”

“Squirrely?!”

Tenya sighed and popped on her hip. “You know, you’re not really adding a lot to this conversation! Yes! Squirrely! You can’t even talk about it without looking like you want to run away! Can you not even say it?”

“Say what?”

“That you like him, too!”

Astrid blinked. She immediately recoiled inside her own thoughts. No, she most certainly could not say that.

“How can I be sure I’m entertaining anything more than a passing fondness? Let alone an adult relationship? And I read somewhere that relationships developed in times of trauma or emergency never last. They’re survival-based, all adrenaline and no substance.”

At that Tenya narrowed her eyes. “Really, Astrid? Books?”

Exasperated, Astrid threw her hands into the air. She paced a few steps away, as though to flee the conversation. “That’s all I’ve got! That’s what I’m saying!”

“Girl, it doesn’t have to be this complicated!” Tenya practically chased her down. The woman’s boots wandered in Astrid’s stead to the other side of the room. “Did you miss him?”

“Of course, I missed all of you.”

“Okay.” Fed up, Tenya caught Astrid’s shoulders between her hands and forced her to stand still, face to face. “Stop running for a second and just think. You’re telling me you can handle gunfights and the fate of your people in your hands, but you can’t have a stupid little conversation about your feelings?”

At the mention of her people, Astrid almost deflected again. But as though Tenya could see it in her eyes, the chief squeezed her shoulders soberingly.

“Astrid, think.”

Astrid didn’t need to think. In fact, she remembered exactly how hard, and how often, she worked to not to think about it.

“Yes. I probably spent as much time convincing myself I didn’t especially miss him as I did doing it anyway.”

Finally, Tenya released her upon hearing her admit it. “You’re what now, twenty?” She probed next.

Astrid nodded.

“Okay, I get it, you feel like you’re a baby in this arena. But Anders, he’s not even thirty yet. You’re both professionals, you’re both mature.”

“I don’t think it’s a problem of compatibility, Tenya,” Astrid conceded while she investigated her own reservations.

“Okay, so what’s the problem? Really? You can tell me.”

“It scares me, and I feel like that matters!” The Channeler blurted. “I have no idea what I’m doing with this! Let’s say for argument’s sake that, yes, there’s something there. What if I’m fabricating these feelings because I want to? Because I never had the opportunity for this kind of connection before? How can I know if it’s real? And even if it is, how am I supposed to—how are we…?”

New feelings threatened to bubble over, and Astrid’s hand went to her crystal, in preparation for a phantom glow that never came.

“Everything Channelers have been denied, there’s always been a reason. And I understand why now more than ever. If I’m this perplexed already, who knows what it might do to me. And Rahna and Walker? You’ve seen what their relationship did to them.”

Astrid craved understanding. She needed to know that Tenya, that anyone, could sympathize with how helpless she felt. Like no matter what she chose, she would be wrong.

But instead, Tenya gave a small, and even pitying smile.

“Oh, Kitten.” Again, a single hand clasped the Channeler’s shoulder. “You’re right, you’re totally naïve about this stuff.”

Astrid frowned. Feeling like a child seemed the last thing she needed, regardless of whether her companion spoke truth.

But Tenya concluded with a little pat of her hand and her smile broadened. As though she knew a secret Astrid stood no chance of perceiving.

“The only words of wisdom I have are these,” Tenya finished. “If there really is something there, there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Wrap yourself in panic if you must, but at the end of the day, denying it doesn’t make the feelings go away. It just means you spend more time on opposite sides of the room while you feel it anyway.”

Astrid worked to compose a reply. Something that would better explain to Tenya why she still felt the need to resist.

But the buzz of another Static drew her attention, and she turned to face the source. Tenya followed her gaze to the stairs a few seconds before Romo appeared.

Nevertheless, it put an end to the conversation.

Upon finding the pair however, Romo made a beeline for the Channeler.

“Astrid!” The agent extended his hand, with yet another datapad. The one he studied when the specialist last saw him. “Did you see this? The list from Lorelei?”

“Not yet. Just the numbers.” She didn’t know those on Lorelei. Which didn’t make their loss less tragic. But once she knew their names, she knew she’d feel their weight, too.

Romo pushed the information into her hand. He seemed breathless, but whether excited or disturbed, even his white noise didn’t reveal.

Astrid looked to Tenya, then to the data at her fingertips.

Her eyes scanned a list of names. The dead and the taken. Though she couldn’t picture them, each word burned in her eyes.

The ages listed nearby, and Astrid scanned them all. Again, mostly children save but two teenagers. “Jeremy” and “Ivy”.

Again, one male and one female. Almost purposeful.

But finally, at the end of the list, in alphabetical order, Astrid found what Romo surely needed her to see.

“Ethan Zeke,” she read aloud. “Zeke, as in your Zeke?”

She recalled when Romo shared a memory from his checkered past. He told of a small boy they called “Jinx” for his effect on tech.

“He’s of the right age,” Romo nodded fervently. “You said they’d probably change his name, right? But it’s got to be him. He’s alive, Astrid. And they have him.”

Astrid rose to hear the subtle stress in the agent’s voice. A man that, above all others, typically presented as unflappable.

“Oh, Romo.” Astrid looked into the man’s dark, shining eyes. “I’m so sorry-”

“Don’t be.” Romo persisted. “We’re going to get them back.”

“Yeah,” Astrid agreed under his bracing stare. “Yeah, we are.”

The three stood in the commons, caught in the quickly developing disaster.

And as selfish as it felt, Astrid saw something in Romo’s eyes she didn’t realize she needed.

Finally, someone else in the crew carried equal desperation to reach their target all the sooner.

Someone understood.