Chapter 57: Meanwhile, Back in the Real World(s)

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“Welcome to the Hydra Medical Foundation!”

The disturbingly enthusiastic little man behind the reception desk rubbed his hands together as he stared at Hazō and Noburi (Inoue-sensei having been warned by her instincts to stay outside and watch for observers).

“Are you here in pursuit of self-actualisation?”

Hazō gave Noburi an "any idea what that means?" look. Noburi gave a tiny shake of his head.

“No," Noburi responded. "We’d just heard that you’re teaching medical ninjutsu.“

“Indeed we are, sirs, indeed we are! The promulgation of medical ninjutsu is just one of the Hydra Foundation’s many services to humanity. Here at the Hydra Foundation, we believe that a healthy soul dwells in a healthy mind and a healthy body, and that understanding the mysteries of the human body is the key to happiness, fulfilment and the deepest secrets of the universe. Please register for your free check-up today!”

“You give out free check-ups?”

“Why, yes, sir,” the receptionist gave a broad smile as he swept his arms outwards. “Our finest professionals will examine you for no charge at all, and identify all the various health issues affecting your body that you didn’t even know about. Those who take up our offer of a free check-up receive an automatic 50% discount on first-tier membership, and as members, they will be able to receive quality treatment for said health issues at minimal cost!”

“But what about the medical ninjutsu?” Noburi insisted.

“Of course, sir, of course! May I inquire, then, as to whether you are a shinobi?”

Noburi nodded.

“Splendid, splendid!” the receptionist leaned forward, every muscle in his face creating an expression of unalloyed delight. “Being naturally superior in mind and body, shinobi are able to automatically join the Hydra Foundation as sixth-tier members, with no additional fees required. Training in medical ninjutsu is available from the seventh tier onwards.”

Something was making Noburi uncomfortable, and he wasn't sure what.

“What’s this tier business?” he asked.

“Oh, it is simplicity itself! The Hydra Foundation’s purpose is to spread and advance medical knowledge. We believe in self-actualisation through natural philosophy! The Hydra Foundation is constantly at the cutting edge of medical research, from academic biology to medical ninjutsu and biological sealcrafting. We are particularly dedicated to the experimental disciplines of psychiatry and psychology, which use unprecedented techniques to achieve greater well-being directly on the level of the mind.

“The Hydra Foundation’s member-only services simultaneously perfect the members’ minds and bodies and provide unique training to allow them to more fully participate in the Hydra Foundation’s work. With increasing perfection comes access to higher membership tiers, which in turn provide access to new services and training, resulting in a self-reinforcing cycle of spiritual growth and professional development. All of the Hydra Foundation’s services are very reasonably priced, and free to those who demonstrate their dedication to the Hydra Foundation’s cause by persuading others to join, participating in harmless experiments, or carrying out essential tasks such as information retrieval or obstacle elimination on the Hydra Foundation’s behalf.

“The most dedicated members can eventually reach the ultimate rank of Operating Surgeon, which represents the achievement of the highest human potential currently known in this world, and true mastery of medical science such as those outside the Hydra Foundation cannot even imagine.

“I can see from your eyes, young sirs, that you are eager to discover fulfilment and the true meaning of life under the guidance of the Hydra Foundation. Why not fill out a membership form right now, and receive a special discount on our ground-breaking Basic Therapy Course? Join us today, because eight heads are always better than one!”

Hazō and Noburi looked at each other again.

“We’ll, uh, come back later.”

-o-​

“That sounds weird!” Akane said cheerfully. “What else did you learn?”

“Well, Leaf hosted the Chūnin Exams,” Noburi replied. “It was the first public showing for the Fourth Hokage’s son—most people outside Leaf didn’t even know the Fourth Hokage had a son—and the Kazekage’s son at the same time. Apparently, between them the whole thing was a slaughter. The rumours say the Hokage’s son won’t die no matter how many times you kill him, and the Kazekage’s son can kill you without moving a muscle. Makes you wonder what happened when they fought each other. There was also something about the youngest Uchiha to awaken his Bloodline Limit since Uchiha Itachi, but I don’t think anyone really cared about that next to the Hokage’s son thing.”

Inoue-sensei shrugged. “It’s probably made-up anyway. Every now and again Leaf spreads rumours that the Uchiha have finally recovered their military strength, just to keep the other countries wary. But no one I know in Mist has faced an Uchiha in battle for the best part of a decade.”

“No,” Akane said, “it’s true. He was in my year, but we didn’t talk.” She thought for a second. “I accidentally hit him with a practice kunai during training once. He gave me this utterly unyouthful look of contempt, and then I had to spend the rest of the afternoon hiding from his fan club.”

“More relevantly to us,” Hazō said, suppressing an inexplicable twinge of irritation, “there’s some kind of missing-nin crackdown going on. It sounds like when Leaf’s forces came down on the Liberator, a lot of missing-nin escaped in large groups rather than separating the way they usually do. The idea of large missing-nin squads roving the countryside is worrying the hidden villages, so they’re much more alert than usual.”

“It made looking for jobs kinda risky,” Inoue-sensei added. “But we still managed to track down a few people who are willing to risk dealing with missing-nin. I think it helps that even though Kobana is a big city, it’s still in Tea, which has no village to freak out about us.

“There’s a merchant who needs a shipment of something suspiciously unspecified guarded on its way to Wave Country and back again. If I had to guess, he wants something smuggled past the Gatō Conglomerate. The pay’s good, but I don’t know much about the Conglomerate’s defences. Maybe they’re just civilian mercs on staggered patrols, or maybe they’ve got someone of Captain Zabuza’s level standing on every street corner.

“There’s someone with an information retrieval mission in Hot Springs. It might a nice place to rest and relax after everything we’ve been though. Granted, it does have a ninja village, but somehow the Village Hidden in the Hot Springs just doesn’t strike fear into my heart.

“Oh, and there’s also some guy recruiting missing-nin for unspecified combat duties. We didn’t talk to him, but we got a contact address and password. Sounds shady as hell, but it’s an option, and with the missing-nin hunt on right now, I guess you could argue for safety in numbers.

“We should talk more about this once Keiko’s back. I wonder how she’s doing?”

o-o-o-o

“What’s this?” the huge eight-foot-tall pangolin drawled. “A couple of tiny grubs have crawled into the Naraka Rollers’ base, all ripe for the eating.”

Pandā extended his claws in a trembling peace sign. “O, uh, m-mighty Panchipāma, we b-beseech you for a m-moment of your time. P-Please do us the honour—“

“Ah, shut up,” Panchipāma snapped. “Ya got five seconds to give me a reason not to have the girls to chuck ya down the latrine, grub.”

There was a series of hisses from the pangolins around the edge of the underground chamber.

Pandā’s trembling intensified. “I, uh, I…”

Kei stepped forward. “I am the Pangolin Clan’s summoner, and I am here to offer you a pact.”

“A pact?” Panchipāma repeated mockingly. “Why would the Panchipāma want a pact with some scrawny human like you? I wouldn’t even take such a soft-scaled weakling as a basket-carrier, and ya want me to serve ya?

“Tell ya what,” Panchipāma said after a second for the hissing noises to die down. “If ya can beat... say... Panku here in a straight fight, maybe I’ll take ya seriously enough to listen to ya. No promises, though.”

Panchipāma turned around, showing Kei her back, which was painted white with an inscription in red running down the scales around her spine.

“Oi, Panku. Get over here and fight for the glory of the Naraka Rollers!”

“Yes, ma’am!”

A smaller pangolin, this one a mere seven feet tall, stomped into the middle of the room. “Ready to be crushed into pulp, human?”

Kei fixed the creature with a steady gaze. All the threat in Panku was not worth a single one of Pantsā's claws.

Panku took a step back. “Uh, boss, are you sure—“

“Zephyr’s Reach Technique!”

Panku, already off balance, looked around wildly, trying to figure out what kind of ninjutsu she was about to be hit with.

Kei focused, shutting out the rest of the room and the watching pangolins, narrowing her perceptions to her own body and that of her target. She reached for her kunai in a quick motion optimised through long practice, and began to throw them in a rapid series.

The first couple went for Panku’s vulnerable underbelly. It was the obvious, extremely obvious target, and as such Panku did not hesitate to block the attack in the traditional pangolin fashion—by curling into an invincible ball of scales.

Which was the point at which she discovered that Kei had somehow tied her tail to a ceiling beam with some ninja wire. Panku’s feet went out from under her, and Kei’s next kunai flew unerringly at her eyes—

There was a brief blur of motion, and suddenly Panchipāma was between the two, the kunai bouncing off the scales on her arms.

“Enough!”

Panchipāma gave Panku an exasperated glare as the latter began the laborious process of detaching the ninja wire from her tail.

When she turned back, Kei gave her a meaningful look. The fight had taken less than three seconds.

“Not too bad, human,” Panchipāma conceded. “I guess yer antics have earned ya a minute or two of my time. So what do ya want?”

“I am given to understand,” Kei said, “that you are known as a skilled and powerful defensive fighter, who shields her underlings from harm much as you have just displayed here. In recognition of your dominance over this territory, I offer you this tribute, and would ask you to become my summon and fight alongside me.”

She stretched out a hand, offering handle-first a fine kris with a stylised wavy blade. It had taken poor Hazō forever to find in Kobana, but judging by Panchipāma’s widening eyes and slight shaking of tail, Pandā’s guidance on her love of exotic weapons had not led her astray.

“Ha,” Panchipāma barked. “Kinda measly as tribute goes. Ya might be quick, but ya don’t impress me, kid. If ya want to join the Naraka Rollers and be entitled to the Panchipāma’s protection, ya gotta prove yer worthy first.

“Go set us up a new chapter of the Naraka Rollers on the Human Path. I want a group of at least twenty-five females, all willing to call ‘emselves Naraka Rollers and live by the ideals of sisterhood, justice and free-rolling badassery. Once ya prove ya got enough of the Naraka Rollers spirit to make others follow ya, I’ll accept ya as an underling and let ya summon me in a fight. Got it?”

Kei gave a serious nod. “I will give your offer due consideration.”

“Great. Now get outta here. Me and the girls are gonna go racing!”