The lights flicked on, the brightness searing my brain and causing shooting pain to ricochet through my skull. I squeezed my eyes shut, unwilling and unable to cope with being alive. I’d barely slept. I spent almost the whole night crying, my chest burning as I mourned Gem. I felt empty inside. Hollow.

“Stand up facing the back wall, hands on the wall.” Came the familiar shout.

It’s either food time or they're here to finish me off, I tried to joke, unsure which I would have preferred.

I didn’t manage to stand in time, the pain was much worse than it was the day before. I got onto my knees before dizziness overpowered me and I had to drop back down before I passed out. I shuffled myself around in my bed to face the wall and leant forwards against it, breathing in deeply and trying to use the coldness of the wall against my head to keep me tethered to consciousness. The ringing pressure in my ears stopped and I struggled to lift my arms into the right position. The pain in my side was too much and I couldn't get my left arm all the way up. I realised belatedly that I’d taken my shirt off last night and I was still just in my bra. I shuddered at the thought of being searched and feeling those cold plasticky gloves against my skin but it was too late to worry about that I realised as the door slammed open.

“What happened to the floor?” The Guardian asked, standing in the threshold but not coming any closer.

I turned my head stiffly and saw the puddle dried vomit.

“I was dropped there after you lot beat me up,” I said, anger bubbling in my voice as my stomach churned nauseatingly.

The Guardian turned and left without saying anything more, leaving the door open behind them.

“Umm…” I trailed off, not sure what was happening as I heard their footsteps go along the corridor.

I shakily pushed myself up to standing, leaning on the wall for support as my whole body protested and begged me to lie back down before slowly stepped towards the door. The corridor was empty except for the food trolly.

The Guardian just left my room and left the door open… There’s no others here. What do I do? I asked, speaking to the others for the first time since last night. Is this a trick?

Probably. Run? Cas suggested flatly, only half joking.

I wouldn’t get far. This building is definitely swarming with Guardians.

Maybe you could go find my dad and kill him. He half joked again.

My feet took another step towards the door before I stopped myself. It was tempting but I wouldn’t have been able to do enough damage to make the beating I would get worth it. Maybe one day I’ll have the chance.

I long for that day.

They're coming back. Peg warned, her voice sad and broken.

I moved as quickly as possible back to the wall and propped myself against it, leaning my sweaty face against the cool surface.

A splashing sound accompanied the Guardian as they mopped the floor without speaking and I quickly regretted not sitting down earlier as my legs began to tremble. This Guardian seemed nicer so I decided to push my luck a little further. The worst that could happen was being beaten again and at least then they’ll probably leave me on the ground.

“Do you mind if I sit down? I’m pretty injured and standing like this hurts.”

The Guardian looked at me appraisingly for a moment before nodding once.

“Sit against the wall here and keep your hands where I can see them.”

I sat down carefully, watching the unusual Guardian. They did seem nicer than the others. The others probably would have left this or made me tidy it up. I decided to try again, I truly didn’t care about the consequences.

“Why are you being so nice?” I asked.

“By cleaning up? That seems like a low bar for nice.” They replied, surprising me.

I sensed that there was more that they wanted to say so I waited for them to keep talking. They took their time, paying too much attention to their mopping.

“Not everyone believes what you did was wrong. Some even support you. Stay there, I’m going to try and get you some medication and another shirt.”

They left again as I tried to process what they’d said. The door locked behind them this time and I sat there shivering slightly but unable to pull the blanket around me, waiting.

That was weird. They said they are going to try and get me medicine.

Really? Peggy asked.

Yeah. Is this a trick? Should I take it?

I expected Cory to reply but he didn’t.

I guess so? Peggy answered instead.

Things changed slightly from then on. Each day they took one of us to the Councillor who acted nice and questioned us about what happened then had the Guardians beat us in the lift on the way back. Or sometimes in the Councillors’ office whilst he watched but that only really happened to Cas. It happened to Cory once. He told us he asked what happened to Gem and wanted to see her medical file and the Councillor didn't like it. Or maybe Cory tried to hit him. Cory was pretty quiet about that but I hope that’s what happened. He deserves it for what he did to us but more so for what he did to Cas. What he kept doing to Cas.

Every time he came back from his office, he was a mess. I thought the Guardians beat me badly but it was nothing compared to what they did to Cas. Every time they dragged him back to his room he was unconscious and bleeding. Sometimes they’d leave the covers off the windows on our doors so we could watch helplessly.

They broke so many of his ribs and most of his fingers. The Councillor told him they’d keep beating us until they get a confession but towards the end, Peggy heard him say to avoid our faces and arms so that when the trial happened people wouldn’t think we were treated badly. We knew the trial was coming soon because Cas said the Councillor kept threatening to sew his lips shut to stop him talking shit but wouldn’t for some reason. I almost puked when Cas said that but apparently, he’d done it before when Cas was a kid.

The Councillor pulled me into meetings often. Each time, he seemed to relish how increasingly withdrawn and quiet I had become. He asked me the same questions every time, getting the same answers and not even bothering to hide his grins. Then, he dismissed me and the Guardians beat me up in the lift on the way back up to my cell or sometimes they’d wait and corner me in my cell where they had more space to hit me. I didn’t care any more though. I still worried about the others but I didn’t care about myself.

We’d stopped talking as much. We weren’t studying or working out. It felt pointless. Never ending.

I spent most of my days lying in my bed, staring at the wall and trying to think of nothing but fixated on Gem. I think the others must have been doing the same. We all blamed ourselves for her death. I kept thinking if only I was smarter, faster or made better decisions then maybe she would have still been with us. Maybe they all blamed me for that. They should have. I deserve it. The more I thought about it, the more I was certain of it.

I should have refused to let Gem go out or I should have insisted that the other ship didn’t fire until she was safe. Peggy tried to tell them but I was the Captain, I should have done something. Why didn’t I put more effort into learning different languages? I could have learnt Irisian. If I spoke Irisian then I could have made sure they understood! I failed her. It was all my fault.

I ground my lip between my teeth, unsure if I was trying to break myself out of this thought spiral or punish myself for what I’d done. I felt pain and bit harder, trying to feel more instead of the dull nothingness I was constantly feeling. Am constantly feeling.

My lip split open under the pressure, spilling blood into my mouth but the pain wasn’t enough to stop me from thinking. My eyes strayed to the toilet in the corner of the room and I considered breaking the handle off of it and using the jagged metal to dig into my arm. I wondered disinterestedly how much damage I could do to myself with it. Maybe, that would have caused me to feel something. I decided against it, not having the energy or motivation to walk there, choosing instead to stay lying uncomfortably on my bed letting the coldness of the floor settled around my heart.

I wasn’t sure how much time passed before another Guardian ordered me against the wall again but I didn’t move. There was no point. The first few times I did this, they didn’t come in to give me food but I think they realised I wasn’t going to attack them or anything because they started to come in again, even when I didn’t get up.

I didn’t really eat much of the food anymore, just a couple of mouthfuls. I’d considered starving myself but decided not to. I could feel it starting anyway, I just couldn’t bring myself to care. My bones jutted out too sharply at my hips and my muscles were wasting away.

We’ll see what happens. I thought.

I decided to eat that day and slowly dragged myself over to the tray. I scooped up a spoonful of mush, barely even feeling it in my mouth.

I didn’t know whether it was even breakfast, lunch or dinner. Or even if we still had three meals a day. There was no point in counting. I found myself wishing that Gem was there again. She’d have something funny to say. She’d make everything better.

Tears welled in my eyes at the thought and I put the spoon down, the mush turning to glue in my mouth, sticking in my throat and choking me. I coughed, trying to clear it before rushing to the toilet and throwing up grey mush and bile.

That happened a lot towards the end. I’d be eating and then start to think about Gem or what happened and it would make me throw up.

I’d halfheartedly considered why but I didn’t bother settling on an answer. Maybe they started to drug us. Or maybe they finally decided to just kill us and be done with it. Or maybe it was psychological. Maybe it was my body trying to punish me for killing Gem. I deserved it. It didn’t really matter. I didn’t care anyway.

I dropped onto my bed, distantly feeling the hard floor through the mattress and pulled the blanket over my body again. I stared at the wall shivering and considered thinking something to the others, just to check in, but decided against it. I knew they blamed me for Gem too. I didn’t want to force my presence onto them.

I closed my eyes hoping for a dreamless sleep but knew it wouldn’t happen. Every time I slept, I dreamt about it. Even when I was awake sometimes, it was like I was dreaming about it. I had flashbacks and I’d smell Gem’s blood and feel the controls in my hands and no matter what I did it wouldn’t stop. I’d see her dying again and again, I’d feel the blood coating me and I’d hear Cory screaming. It never stopped.

Sometimes when I met with the Councillor he’d ask me about it. Try and make me relive what happened, force me to explain what I could see and tell me to focus on the smell of blood. I’d leave his office shaking and unable to defend myself against the Guardians in any way.

I still get flashbacks. I wish they’d stop. They did briefly. Or at least, they slowed down. They’re back now. With everything that has been happening, I think my brain is just panicking.

Going to see him. Cas told us flatly.

Good luck. I wanted to say more but I stopped myself, worried it would just make him hate me more.

Thanks. He thought back as the lift doors closed in the distance.

I closed my eyes, trying to think of nothing, and fell asleep dreading the moment when Cas came back, beaten and defeated. Selfishly, I hoped they wouldn’t open the windows again so that I wouldn’t have to watch his battered body and wonder if this time, his dad had finally snapped.

I didn’t wake when they brought him back so I don’t know how long he was unconscious for that time but I finally woke when he spoke to us.

I’m back. He just asked the same questions as before.

Are you okay? I asked, unwilling to open my eyes.

Yeah, fine. He replied. They didn’t do too much today.

I knew it was a lie from the careful way he thought, the effort he had to put into speaking to us, but I didn’t say anything more. I didn’t think my crew wanted anything more from me.

It continued. Life move by at a crawling pace. I knew I should get up, wash my face or my teeth or just do something but I couldn’t force myself to do it. There was no point when I knew we were going to die in there. I couldn’t even reply to Cas. I distantly heard Peggy speak to him every so often but my brain didn’t want to work out what she said. I let it wash over me and continued staring at the dull white wall. After some time, the lights turned off but I continued to stare, refusing to focus on anything, trying not to think. Trying not to live.

Did you miss me?