I looked around my crew again. We were silent. Motionless as we stared at the holo displaying the forums. It refreshed every couple of seconds but there was no movement.

Any second now, Sammy would post something and we’d spring into action and attack. We were ready. We’d already strapped our gear and armour on, put the shields by the door and done everything else we needed to do to get ready.

All that was left was to wait.

Peggy let out a breath, her hands twitching as she reached for a screen, clearly worried that the holo wasn’t working properly. With an annoyed grunt, she slapped it against the velcro on the side of her seat where it stuck.

“What is taking so long?” she ground out.

I shook my head, glancing down at the scan on my screen showing a heat scan of the base. They were close to the canteen now from what I could tell but not close enough. Some stragglers moved too slowly for my liking.

More concerningly, or maybe reassuringly I wasn’t sure, the tutors were starting to circle closer to the garage. They weren’t there but they were close enough that it could be an issue.

I didn’t know why though. Has someone leaked our plan to them? Or had they realised just how closely we were hovering above them?

“Why is everyone moving so slowly?” Peggy demanded, grabbing her screen again to check compulsively.

“I don’t know,” I muttered. “It’s fine, they just don’t get it. They’re young, give them time.”

Even as I said that to Peg, my foot started twitching.

I really wanted to get up and pace but I forced myself to stay seated. I needed to be a good example. To show my crew that I was confident in the plan and in our ability to pull it off. And I was, of course, but maybe I shouldn’t have been?

I don’t know. I will forever be haunted by the question of ‘did I do enough?’. Not just in this incident but in everything else I’ve done over the last few years and even before that.

I still find myself staying awake at night, wracked with guilt, turning my decisions over and over in my mind. Did I do enough? I’ll never know for sure but I know what my mind tells me.

No. I didn’t.

No matter what happens, I don’t think that answer will ever be a yes. My therapist is pretty sure it can get there but I don’t have the heart to tell him that I’m not.

“Shit!” Peggy exclaimed. “Sammer’s!”

I followed the direction for her point, staring at the holo-display.

Sammy had posted another call out to Captain Sammer’s, stating that it had moved to its new position and was open and ready for business. It was a little obvious but it made me smile.

I nodded, rising from the hard metal seat and looked around at my crew.

Peggy was sitting in one of the gunner’s chairs, her hands now on the controls, whilst Cory moved towards a seat by the door, tapping the weapons he had strapped to his body.

I waited for him to stop and look towards us. It didn’t take long, the ship was pretty small.

“Okay,” I said, my tone sombre. “Is everyone happy with the plan?”

I waited but no one replied. Their lack of responses had to be affirmative so I nodded again. I wanted to continue my speech but, for the first time, I didn’t know what to say.

That was never the case normally but how could I fill them with excitement and confidence when I was so worried and filled with doubt?

“This might get messy,” I started carefully. “But we know what we’re facing down there. Three tutors. It’s going to be difficult but we outnumber them and we’re prepared. We know the garage well and we’re ready to do this.”

My words felt hollow and I knew it but I wasn’t sure how to fix it. The last time we’d been in a situation like this, we’d lost Gem. I still wish it was me who was gone instead of her. She would have known how to fill the rest of the crew with determination.

“We can do this,” Cas said quietly but firmly. “We’re not doing this for us but for the rest of the base. The Council invaded our home, ran us from it and made life there a living hell for everyone left behind. Let’s show them how much of a mistake that was.”

My lips twitched up into a slight smile at his words.

“No retreat,” I said.

“No surrender!” came the chorused reply.

I looked at each of my crew members in turn before turning and starting towards the cockpit.

“We can do this,” Cas muttered softly as we got situated in front of the controls again. “We’ve done drills like this a hundred times before. This is a simple ship-based attack/defend mission. We always get full marks for those.”

A slight smile came over my face as I thought back to some of those drills that we had done.

He was right, it was almost the exact same set up as ship-based attack/defend mission number thirty-four on the simulators. We’d be fine.

“I know. I just…” I trailed off, not quite sure how to put all of my fears into words.

“I know,” he said, reaching out and putting his hand on mine. “We got this, Arie. We’re going to be fine.”

I nodded, squeezing his hand for a moment before reaching out and tapping the comms system.

I waited, my fingers drumming against the controls, my body thrumming with energy and anticipation.

“Trolis? The kids are safe and in position, we’re ready to go,” I said the moment the comms stated I was through to him.

“Alright,” he said, his tone gruff. “Be safe down there and don’t hesitate to call us in, okay? I know you want to do this by yourself but it’s not always the safest option. Be careful and look after yourselves.”

I don’t know what it was about his words but they made my throat grow thick with emotion. He never spoke that much. He kept himself to himself and was never that… cautious.

“We will,” I said.

Maybe I should have let them come down straight away? I mean, it was a more dangerous option, for sure. If there was just one ship down there, the tutors would be less likely to bomb us and with fewer of us, I could control the situation completely. There were less unpredictable variables. I knew how my crew would behave in any situation, I didn’t know about the others.

Well. I thought I knew how my crew would behave. I should have seen it coming, I should have expected it. Fuck.

“Yeah, we’ll be careful. Thanks, Trolis.”

“See you soon, kids,” came his reply.

I tapped the comms again, severing our connection, before turning on the mic in the back of the ship.

“Are we all ready?” I asked.

“Let’s do this!”

Their confidence in me seems ill-placed now. I mean, looking back I was just a dumb child blundering from one emergency to the next and never quite understanding or grasping the severity of our situation. I knew it was bad, of course, but… I didn’t see it properly.

Maybe, if I had, things would have been different? I don’t know. It’s another question that keeps me up at night. Nothing helps with that. I just end up wandering aimlessly around our ship, staring down at the planets below, never quite sure if this was all a dream.

It feels a little like it. Now that everything is over and done, I find myself going wildly between expecting to wake up back on the base with my crew still alive and well and frantically scanning the news and alerts, sure that at any moment, the other boot will drop and we’ll have to rush back into the fight.

Maybe it’s not over. Maybe it never will be.