The journey back was a blur. Even with the additional stimulants I’d taken, I was still barely with it. If the Council had decided to actually do something and attack us then, it would have been an easy fight. I mean, I like to think that I would have snapped awake and been ready to deal with it but I just wanted to get back to Cory and then sleep.

Almost every thought that went through my head was about Cory and I knew that I was annoying Orchil but I couldn’t stop myself from checking in on him almost constantly.

I hated that we weren’t going the same way as them. Of course, it made sense. If the Council were planning to follow us or ambush us or something then we’d do better if we were split up and therefore smaller targets and everything but still. I just wanted to be with Cory.

I needed him to be okay. I couldn’t lose another crew member. I couldn’t lose Cory.

We’d just lost Gem, we couldn’t lose him too.

“How’s he doing?” I asked as quietly into my mic as possible.

“He’s alright. We’ve done everything we can for now and he’s stable but he’ll need to have some more work done when he gets back to Freo,” Orchil answered, not sounding frustrated despite that being the fifth time I’d asked. “We’re almost there now. He should be in and out of surgery by the time you get back.”

“Thanks,” I answered.

Despite Orchil’s reassurance, I found myself checking the scanners quickly before blinking to check on Cory’s vitals.

They all looked fine but still, I couldn’t be sure. I wouldn’t be sure until I was with him.

“So?” Cas asked softly, his voice strained.

“He’s okay,” I said. “Almost back at Freo and then he’ll need some surgery.”

“Did… did she say if he was going to be okay? Like… will the surgery go well?”

Cas sounded worried, his eyes were distant and I knew he was checking Cory’s vitals too.

I forced myself to blink them away and check the scanners again.

“She said he’s stable. I think he’ll be alright.”

Cas nodded, unable to say anything else.

Peg, just spoke to Orchil. Cory’s almost back to Freo. Apparently, he’s doing okay but will need some surgery, I thought exhaustedly.

Is he going straight in? Will Chal be operating? You know he doesn’t trust anyone else to do it, she thought back from the gun controls in the back of the ship.

I knew that she wanted to be in the front with us but we needed someone back there with Vela in case the Council did attack.

I’ll ask.

“Orchil, sorry to bother you again but do you know if he’s going straight into surgery when he gets back? And will Chal be the one operating on him? He can be a little uneasy around doctors when he’s injured or ill but he trusts Chal,” I said before wincing.

It sounded a lot like I meant that he didn’t trust Orchil and that’s not what I meant at all. Cory was just… anxious around doctors sometimes. I know it’s silly, he’s a doctor after all, but he had some bad experiences with them. I mean, he grew up in a special care orphanage so there were always a bunch of doctors around there and they weren’t always the best from what he told us. At least the doctor he was close with was a good person but some of the others sounded terrible.

It made him anxious, having to rely on the other doctors around him, especially if he was unconscious or badly injured. Not being in control was something he just despised.

But he trusted Chal. Chal had operated on us all more times than I could count and I assume he will continue to, if this goes well.

And if not… I don’t know. We’ll be dead so it won’t even matter.

You know, it was worrying how little we’d heard from the Council on the way back. We should have heard from them. We should have received a report that they’d gone to the base or the prison but nothing. They hadn’t even bothered the others and they’d broken into a prison.

There should have been something.

I mean, obviously you’ve all heard about what happened at the prison. There were Guardians there, of course, but the Council had stationed them there ages ago. It was an old order, not a new one. They hadn’t done anything to protect them any more than that and they didn’t even send any backup.

They should have, right?

Why would they let us attack and leave the Guardians there with not enough people and barely any weapons? It was weird. I know that they wanted Nova to see just how helpless it was without them but it just felt so… cold.

I still don’t understand how the Council just abandoned them like that.

“Just got confirmation that Chal is prepping now to operate on him. We’re just back there now. I’ll keep you posted when I hear more,” Orchil said.

I relayed the information to the others before blinking over to check on Cory’s vitals again.

He was fine. They were stable.

I just needed to keep telling myself that and I’d be okay too. If not… I don’t know. I would have crumbled and not been able to get us back to Freo.

But I’m the Captain. Even if all I wanted to do was collapse onto the ground and sob, I needed to be better. I needed to stay strong for the rest of my crew. They needed me and I needed them.

I took a deep breath to steady myself and tightened my grip on the controls, pushing the engines to burn hotter.

Beside me, Cas sat up a little straighter.

“Everything okay?” he asked, glancing at the scanners quickly.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. I just want to get us back before Cory wakes up. I don’t want him to be alone,” I said.

The request he’d made before he’d passed bounced around in my head. He wanted to die. He’d begged to die. But I couldn’t let him.

The least I could do was be there for him when he woke up.

“Ah, okay,” Cas said, not mentioning what Cory had said either even though I knew he’d heard it.

It must have hurt. To hear him ask to be allowed to die. I know we were all close, they were my crew, but Cas was Cory’s best friend. They were so close and I know it hurt Cas to see how much Cory had pulled away from him in the last few weeks.

I got it, of course. Gem’s death had changed all of us. It made everything so much harder. I mean, I couldn’t just move on but it had hit Cory hardest of all.

It hit all of us hard. Peg still wept sometimes when someone mentioned Gem or something reminded us of her or even just randomly sometimes. Cas was a little more private about it. He mostly cried in the shower where his sobs were drowned out by the water. I did the same.

But Cory alternated between throwing himself into his work and refusing to sleep to avoid the dreams of her and just stopping being able to function. I’d walked in on him sitting in our room in the medBay a few times just staring into space. He’d stare at the wall for hours at a time until someone interrupted him.

I’d once asked him what he’d been doing or what he’d been thinking about during that but he just said ‘nothing’. He always smiled slightly at that, as if it were better than any alternative which I got.

Sometimes I wish I could do that but any time I tried, my mind was too busy. It refused to let me rest, even for a minute.