Cyclone did his best to keep the ogre daddy calm while his mate coughed and hacked up a lung. Unfortunately, defusing situations and calming people down is a skill I lack so Cyclone had nothing to work with. Prowl, sadly, wasn’t too much better. I’d hoped that her years in the Knight Watch would have imparted some people skills to her but it would seem that empathizing with an ogre was a bridge too far.

Cyclone could hear and feel the heavy footsteps of IronHide trying to navigate his way through the cave tunnels. Occasionally there would be the muttered curse and the thunderous crash of stalactites and stalagmites getting smashed out of the way. Cyclone buried his faceplate in his hand and crossed his arms to hide his amusement as he felt IronHide swear and thrash around as the ceiling full of bats took flight to escape the flailing giant.

“Whaat...” Prowl asked, looking sideways at Cyclone, suspiciously.

“Nothing. Nothing, don’t worry about it. Here, help me move her closer to the door. Big guy,” he directed at the ogre, “you too. We’re taking her outside to clean up, yeah?”

Together, they grabbed at the edges of the matted bedding and pulled. Foot by foot, they dragged the ogress closer to the room opening. By the time they had moved her close enough, IronHide’s flood lamps could be seen, pouring into the room.

Carefully, he reached in and pulled her out, cradling her in his arms in the typical “princess carry”. The ogress was smaller than IronHide, but she was still pretty huge, and not exactly the “knight and princess” visual that one would hope for. The ogre was nearly falling all over himself prostrating when he realized who was carrying his mate away.

She was a lot lighter than the massive stone slabs that IronHide just moved around, and he did his best to stay stable as he made his way back out of the cave. His biggest concern was actually pinching her somewhere among the overlapping armor plates that made up his chest and limbs. A couple of times, she coughed and spattered him with things he didn’t want to think about. Not for the first time, he was grateful to not actually have a nose or a sense of smell.

He reached the mouth of the cave and stepped out into the light. The ogress flinched at the brightness and seemed to shrink in a bit as she cowered into his chest. He also noticed that she was a mess, an absolute mess, covered in... well, best not to think about that. Instead think about how awesome it would be if AutomaTown had its own carwash... with automated brushes... and a hot wax buffing station... and cute attendants armed with deerskin cloths and shopvacs...

“Gross.Gross.Gross.Gross.Gross.Gross,” IronHide muttered as he brought her around to the makeshift bath.

The water wasn’t actively boiling any more but was still steaming. He gently edged downward and dipped the tip of his foot into the water to get a sensor reading on the temperature. It was still really hot, was it too hot? What was the heat tolerance of an ogre? He sat down on the edge of the bath and held her out over it, allowing the steam to wash over her. She took several deep breaths and coughed some more but her breathing eased up.

“This,” he said, indicating with a tilt of his head to the ogress as Cyclone, Prowl, and the ogre caught up, “is not how I thought I’d be spending my day... or any day really.”

“Tell me about it,” Cyclone agreed. “You look disgusting, and I’m glad I’m not you.”

Prowl’s optic lights dimmed a bit as she looked from IronHide to Cyclone, a facial effect I’d started to associate with a squint or narrowing of the eyes. “Both of you are Prime, playing with puppets, right?”

“Who knows?” Cyclone said, flickering an optic light in an imitation of a wink.

“I need a tongue...” IronHide grumbled.

“Why?” Prowl asked skeptically.

“So I can stick it out at that jerk. I don’t even have a middle finger to give him,” he huffed, wiggling the digits of his two finger, two thumb hand configuration.

“I don’t get it,” she said, rolling her eyes and turning to walk off. Cyclone just laughed and the ogre looked confused.

“I’ll come up with my own rude gestures, all for you biker-boy,” IronHide grumbled.

“I look forward to it,” Cyclone countered with a flourish and a bow. He then gave a backwards wave as he turned to follow after Prowl.

“You’re not going to stay with him?” Prowl asked, giving Cyclone a glance as she stepped over fallen logs that hadn’t been fallen when they came through the area last.

“He’s a big boy, he can handle it. Besides, it’s not really a two person job, right? I’d just end up covered in ick like him.”

“He’s right. You are a jerk.”

Cyclone thought about it for a bit. “Then, technically, so is he. Us both being proxies and all.”

Prowl shook her head and let a branch go as she passed so that it would smack Cyclone in the stomach.

“It’s fiiiine,” Cyclone whined, “He’s got her in the tubby now and the ogre is helping to wash her off. She’s looking better already. Anyhoo, you’re the one that started walking off first without offering to help... jerk.”

Prowl’s shoulders stiffened and she turned on the spot, pointed a finger up, ready to launch into a rebuttal but shrugged instead. “Yeah, I got nothing. Okay, we’re both jerks. Let’s get a wash station set up for him when he gets back. There’s that lake not too far from the village. We just need to watch out for iron-back turtles, but like you said... he’s a big boy.”

Cyclone pointed at his faceplate. “I’m totally smirking right now. You can’t see it, but there’s a smirk.”

“Weirdo.”

IronHide finished bathing the ogress. The water was... Dee. Sgusting. Everything felt gross. But the ogress was breathing better and her skin had taken on a healthy(?) green like the color of fresh pea pods whereas before it was more like avocado. Her mate had brought over some food for her to eat and taken care to help her. He was actually pretty nurturing, which had IronHide curious about the whole child raising situation. Not curious enough to wait around for it though.

When the ogress was aware enough to realize what was going on and that it was IronHide helping her, she completely freaked out. I guess that’s to be expected when you wake up to find a “god” giving you a bath. Once she calmed down, she made oaths and possibly vows, or they could have been curses in a reverent tone. IronHide had no clue since none of it was intelligible. Or at least none of it was in the common language.

IronHide gave them a little, two finger salute as he backed up, eager to get away. They both kept trying to pull him back and force him to eat whatever raw chunks of meat they were consuming. Finally, he’d had enough and he stomped the ground, shaking everything in a 10 meter radius and punched his fists together. The ogres backed away, cowering. He didn’t like playing the alpha gorilla type but that seemed to be what this species responded to.

“Congrats on the kid,” he said as he knelt down and patted them both on the shoulder.

He then got up and made his way back through the forest, retracing his steps to the village. Cyclone and Prowl were already at the lake and had fashioned some brushes out of branches and leaves. It wasn’t the cute attendants with deerskin and automatic brushes, but it would have to do. Well, Prowl was kinda cute at times, IronHide thought, but big bro Cyclone was decidedly not cute.