《Legend of the Lost Star》B6 C31: Guilt and Gemini
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It didn’t take him long to return home. The garden his home had looked a bit duller and darker than he remembered it to be, but before he could pull the door open and enter, a voice called out to him.
“Welcome back!” Lila said, a small smile on her face. “Good job ou—”
Her voice faltered. “You…you did it, didn’t you? Against that Exemplar you told me about.”
She jumped over the fence and ran over. Gemini tried to smile, raising his hand to stop her from coming closer. It was customary for her to hop in for a visit every time Gemini came back from a battle, but he felt different this time. “I’m alright.”
“No, you aren’t.” The demon quivered. “You clearly aren’t. You’re all lost and jittery. You’re like a child who killed another one by accident for the first time.”
“I’ve killed him ten or so times,” said Gemini. “Each time, he was becoming stronger. A bigger threat. I had no choice.”
Lila placed her finger on his lips. “Shush. Give it some time. Don’t think about it all that much.”
Stunned by her sudden approach, Gemini took a few steps back and fell onto his back. “Don’t come near me. I’m a murderer. A killer. Always had been. Always will be. Like the others, I’m just a monster wearing clothes.”
“Calm down,” said Lila. “You’re overreacting.”
“I’m not. I’m calm. Very calm,” Gemini said. “That demon I ended — Poi-Ruga — he was like me, you know? He was a person who was corrupted by this madness, and killed his whole tribe. But it was never his fault. He was innocent. And he felt guilty about it.”
His chest heaved madly. “And I killed him. Ended his existence. Denied him of the chance to make up for his mistakes.”
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“There’s no way a primal demon can return to sanity,” said Lila.
“You don’t understand,” Gemini replied.
“It’s true that I don’t understand how primals feel,” said Lila, “but I do understand that you need someone to talk to. You’re tearing up inside. Why are you blaming yourself for something you couldn’t do anything about? You were protecting Ark City.”
“Am I supposed to feel better about that? For the greater good, right? Am I less guilty somehow?” Gemini shot back. The memories of what he did in the beastfolk cities were beginning to crawl out of the woodwork. He’d long made some connection between the primal demons and the abnormal mental state he had when under the command of the Human God. If he could break out of it, these primal demons could definitely do the same.
And yet, he’d ended an existence similar to his own, one ridden with guilt. Ruga’s last words were enough to tell him what he needed to know about these demons, and yet, Gemini had robbed him of his chance to atone. It wasn’t impossible to break free — Gemini, after all, was a prime example.
“Yes,” said Lila. “If you didn’t do that…and you fell on the next battle, people will die. You’re an Exe— Paragon. You bear the lives of countless others. Ark City, right now, only has you.”
“I wish they’ll come back,” Gemini whispered.
“Would that make a difference? You alone, of the others, know what hissatsu is. When you asked me back then, I could tell that you didn’t want the others to take up the dangers of doing such acts. Has your resolve changed?” Lila asked, a gentle smile on her face.
The Constellation, in his sitting position, picked up a leaf and crushed it. “It hasn’t.”
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“Your motive hasn’t changed. You intend to take up the heaviest burden for this city.” Lila held his hand, a gentle warmth that reminded Gemini of the tears he felt earlier. “Something noble is driving you to do that. And I…will join you on your journey. I’m not much of a fighter, but…”
Gemini closed his eyes. Strength left him, and he laid down on the ground. Against Lila’s constant support, he couldn’t muster up any more arguments against her words. This was, perhaps, proof that somewhere within him, Gemini still carried a hint of selfishness.
“Why are you helping me?” Gemini asked.
“Do I need a reason to help someone?”
Even with his eyes closed, the Constellation could see her brilliant, gentle smile in her eyes. Lila was someone extraordinary in terms of temperament — after so many days of interaction, the girl had never ceased to stay optimistic and cheerful.
And yet, within that cheerful demeanour, there was an undercurrent of granite determination hidden underneath it. It was something Gemini could admire all day long and not grow tired of doing so.
“You’re right,” said Gemini. “You don’t need a reason. Helping others…is just part of you, I think.”
He sat up and looked around. The garden had regained its vibrancy, and the little things and bits of life that had excused themselves from his cognition had returned. Lila was sitting beside him, in a far more refined posture than his own, a small smile on his face.
“Still feeling so overwhelmed?” Lila asked. “I’m always here for you. So…don’t give up. Ark City needs you. And me too.”
Gemini trembled, but it didn’t seem as bad as what happened earlier. The weight of what he’d just done — his conscious choice to end another existence permanently — still featured as prominently as it did previously in his mind, but it didn’t seem to drag him down like it did previously. Somehow, Lila had managed to lighten his load with her words, but it wasn’t all that surprising once he thought about it.
“Thank you.”
“That’s the least I could do, right?” She smiled. The world seemed overly bright for a moment, and Gemini found himself squinting for a moment. His actions made her smile widen.
“I suppose I should go back and report to some of the Senators about the battle’s aftermath. My sudden departure might have alarmed them.” Gemini exhaled slowly. “Do you want to come along? We can check out a few food stands on the way.”
“That sounds great!”
Gemini got up from the ground. After hesitating for a moment, he extended his hand towards Lila, who accepted it. Her hand in tow, Gemini pushed the garden gate open, and led the way to the Congress building, where the Lords of Ark City usually conducted their business at.
With Lila around, things just seemed a little brighter.
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