“What?”

The word came from three Tollivers at the same time. Sam’s was incredulous, and matched the stare he gave the watch captain. Pop’s was an indignant bellow that shook dust from the rafters of the ruined house. And Ma’s was icy cold in what Sam recognized as her ‘one toe-length away from deadly violence’ tone.

Captain Ard Shi swallowed visibly, and all the watchmen’s hands went to the hilts of their swords. The official in the back, who hadn’t said anything and who’s features were obscured by a deep hood, reached up and wrapped long fingers around the golden chain around their neck.

Sam: Araxes, what the hell did you do.

Araxes: Just the man I wished to speak to, I— What? What do you mean? I’ve done nothing.

“Do not offer resistance,” the watch captain said, his voice cracking on the last syllable. “These are direct orders from my liege lord. If—“ the man licked his lips and Sam saw sweat beading on his forehead. “If you resist, we will have to use force. I—“

“Hold up,” Sam raised a hand, both to cut off the guardsman and to keep his ma from flash-frying him on the spot. “Can we just get a couple things out of the way real fast?”

Ard Shi blinked, but nodded slowly. “Yes, go ahead.”

Sam: Then why are there a half-dozen village guards about to get crispy-fried by Ma because they’ve come to arrest me on your say-so?

Araxes: What? What are you blithering on about?

“Okay. So first,” Sam raised a finger, “if we wanted to resist, I’m pretty sure you couldn’t stop us.” Just to make sure he hit the identify spell in his glasses and trained them over the watchman. The spell sped up his perceptions so that the world seemed to stutter to a halt as the text scrolled across his display.

Name: Canton Ard Shi

Race: Human

Sub-Race: None

Class: Town Watch

Subclass: None

Essence Level: 17

HP: 475

MP: 85

Description: Unique Mob. Automated Description unavailable.

Default Racial Description:

Bog-standard Humans can be found everywhere on the planet, in every walk of life, in every color of the rainbow and everywhere on the ‘saint-to-asshole’ spectrum. They are literally the most common sentient critter in the world. Why are you even reading this? You probably know it by heart already.

Combat Data:

Vulnerabilities: None

Abilities: None

Level 17. The revenant had been level 17, and Sam had beaten him. It had taken a bit of luck, and the help of some friends, but he’d done it. If he used his harness and Thumb Bane he could probably give a level 17 a run for its money in a straight fight. But alone against all the watchmen, and whatever official might be back there, he wouldn’t stand a chance.

With Ma and Pop backing him up, though, the guards would be toast. It would be like a snowball picking a fight with a gnomish pressure cooker.

Sam’s mind raced. He could fight his way out of this easily enough with his parents’ help. But was that the right play? These were men and women he’d rescued from certain death not 24 hours before. And, looking closer, they were terrified. They were hiding it well, but the sweat beading on Ard Shi’s forehead, and the furtive glances they kept shooting each other, told the tale well enough.

He glanced up at his minimap. The guards’ dots were yellow, neutral, neither friend nor foe. Would that last?

More information. He needed more information.

“Tell me about the charges,” he said. “Who’s pressing them?”

“My liege lord himself sent word to the council,” the captain said, looking relieved that words were the only thing flying at him right now. “My orders come directly from councilman Farnese,” he jerked his head towards the figure in the back.”

“And how did he receive that information?”

“She received that information through the Kingdom Officials chat channel,” the robed figure in the back said in a sharp voice. Hands reached up and lowered the hood to reveal a middle-aged woman with graying blonde hair and a thunderous scowl on her face.

“I am Francesca Milthorne, and as his Excellency’s proxy,” she continued, “I am bound by oath and fealty to carry out my lord’s wishes. Samuel Tolliver, you are a criminal and a traitor to my lord. Surrender yourself to his justice at once.”

“D’you think she honestly expects us to go quietly?” Ma asked sotto-voice from behind Sam.

“Could be,” Pop replied in similar low tones. “Middling bureaucrats tend to have an over-inflated view of themselves.”

“D’you think she knows we could squish her without even trying?”

“She does,” Milthorne said coldly. “And she would expect no less from you filth. Adventurers. Laws mean nothing to you. The only thing you respect is the steel in your hands and the levels in your menus.

Ard Shi’s eyes flicked back to the councilwoman and he gave a nervous cough. “Perhaps not the best idea to antagonize them, Fran?”

“And why shouldn’t I? Calling them to the carpet for their lawlessness will not allow them to flaunt our laws more, or make them less willing than they clearly already are to be bound by them..” She glared daggers at each of the Tollivers in turn. “So will you allow yourselves to be bound by the laws of this town, adventurers? Or will you disregard them and make for yourself an enemy of every official entity within my lord’s Reign?”

“I rather expect we’ve already achieved that status,” said a nasally voice from off to the side. “In fact, I’ quite certain of it.”

Araxes strolled around the corner of the building, following the cobblestone street, like he owned the place. The lich—well, copy of a lich anyway—was tall and stately, with a jeweled golden crown bolted onto his skull and luxurious purple robes hanging off of his skeletal frame. His eyes were twin orbs of violet flame in the blackness of his eye sockets, and right now they were flickering back and forth between the guards and the councilwoman.

“And,” the lich continued in as haughty an air as Sam had seen him affect, “as your rightful ruler, I declare I have had second thoughts about this young man, and have decided to not incarcerate him just yet.”

The guards started to pull back, but a snort from the councilwoman brought them up short.

“You are not my lord,” she all but snarled at Araxes. “You are some shadow-thing, a mockery, at best a cruel jest and at worst a treasonous imposter.”

“Oh, now I say,” Araxes placed a hand against his bony chest. “That’s rather harsh, isn’t it? I mean, cruel mockery perhaps, but treason? My dear, I know Lich King Araxesendenak as well as anyone in this world, and I believe he would—“

“Totally see you as a treasonous imposter,” Sam finished for him, raising an eyebrow.

“Well yes,” Araxes conceded the point. “But he’d have the good grace to tell it to me himself, and not use a flunky to do so.”

Milthorne’s gaze had been icy before, now it became positively glacial. “My lord spoke of you specifically, abomination. We will not waste the resources trying to destroy you, vermin, because we know you are invincible. But when my lord arrives in town—“

Sam couldn’t take it any more. “You do realize,” he interrupted with a scowl, “that the only reason you or anyone else in this town of laws is alive is because of me, right? The revenant was going to kill you all and bring you back as a ghost army. Or have you forgotten that?”

Ard Shi closed his eyes and breathed through his nose. “We haven’t forgotten. None of us have. And—“

“And while you have our gratitude, it is Lich King Araxesendenak who commands our allegiance,” Milthorne stated bluntly.

Sam saw the guards flinch, and none of them would meet his gaze.

They’re scared, he realized with a start. Francesca Milthorne might be a true believer in Araxesendenak, but these men… Were scared of him.

He didn’t blame them.

“So now, I ask once more. Will you surrender to the laws of this land?”

Sam glanced at his parents. Growing up, they’d always tried to instill in him a respect for lawful authority, especially when that authority had legions of undead warriors to back them up. But now, regardless of whether he went quietly or not, Araxesendenak was coming, and was coming to destroy him and…

And…

He frowned. “Wait a minute. Araxesendenak told you about us? When?”

“Not an hour ago,” the councilwoman turned away from Araxes with a sneer. “He spoke across his Kingdom channels, and now all the officials in the Reign are aware of your treasonous actions.

“It matters not how many trays of cookies you prepare, abomination,” she added, throwing a dagger-glance back at Araxes. “Nor how many wounds you stitch, nor how many lives you save. If you—“

A rushing noise filled Sam’s ears and he lost the rest of what the councilwoman was saying as what she’d already said registered.

Cookies.

It was so simple and stupid that she probably didn’t even realize the magnitude of it. How could she? She hadn’t been there to understand.

But then again… Neither had Araxesendenak.

“How did you know about the cookies,” he asked, breaking into whatever she was saying.

“What? My lord told me. Now I insist you lay down your arms—“

“That’s impossible,” Sam said, turning to his parents. “Araxes made those cookies in the dungeon. No one out here could have known about them. So how did the lich?”

His parents got it at the same time.

“Oh shit,” Ma breathed. “He knows.”

Pop’s big hand landed on Sam’s shoulder and gently guided him out of the way, and Pop came up to replace him in front of the guard captain.

“Here’s how it’s going to be,” the big man rumbled in his iron voice. “You’re welcome to escort us back to the dungeon. We will break no laws and we’ll let you know any time we leave so you can have your men watch us. Consider us under house arrest.”

“That is unacceptable,” Milthorne practically shrieked. “You must be incarcerated—“

“Sweetie,” Ma said, voice dripping insincerity, “do you really think any jail you’ve got could hold us if we didn’t want to stay there?”

The councilwoman clamped her jaws shut and just glared.

“That’s what I thought,” Ma said with a smile. “So just hush and let my Jack tell you how it’s going to be.”

Sam tuned out the conversation. His parents would take care of this. He had to get things rolling.

Sam(Dungeon Man): Araxesendenak knows we’re here and he knows what we’ve been doing. We’re not going to have the time we thought we would. He’s probably already on his way.

Char(Scary Warmama): Shit.

“We will escort you,” Ard Shi said in a grateful tone. “And… Thank you.”

“Whatever,” Sam grunted and shouldered past, breaking into a run. “We’ve got work to do. Try to keep up.”