High Councilor Jamii Venebelle looked at the two arguing beings with confusion and alarm.

The day just kept going from bad to worse, and to be honest, she was having a little trouble coping with everything.

The day had started normal enough. She “woke up” in her lovely home on the platinum server and flew Shiny, her pet alicorn, over to the parliament building in the government servers to start her day presiding over the Noltan Unified Council.

They discussed the upcoming Luminous Regatta, a recent “custom” among the uploaded population where many made fanciful “ships” that then were paraded as part of a big art festival.

It was a lot of fun, and they were trying to make the event more accessible to their people who hadn’t uploaded yet. They were making some real and very exciting progress when they all started receiving frantic alerts from the Northern Wastes.

The dead stored there were starting to get up and walk around!!!

It was like something from a bad horror movie!

There were millions of them… billions of them… just shambling around up there.

Then, the aliens arrived… Yes, aliens… Real live freaking aliens!

Thank Goddess for her ability to modify emotional levels. Without that, she would be freaking out like the unascended… oops… those who hadn’t uploaded yet.

Of course, the shocks of today weren’t over. It turns out that there is the very real possibility that she isn’t who she thought she was, that the real Jamii died, and she was just some sort of digital impostor… a zombie herself!

She looked at the camera feeds from up north and wondered if the real her was wandering around up there, lost… confused…

Scared…

Something had to be done.

She looked over at the strange aliens, the dark hairy one and the regal-looking pale one with beautiful hair and pointed ears.

It looked like they weren’t anywhere close to finished with yelling at each other.

She sighed. So much for peace among the stars…

The worst part was that they were arguing over exactly which one of them owned her world. That’s right… owned…

just like a cheesy sci-fi movie.

She triggered yet another “emotional reset”.

Focus Jamii…

“Gentlepeople… Gentlepeople…” she said to the Noltan assembly, trying to be heard over the chaos, “Gentlepeople, please… please… (sigh)….”

She overrode her voice’s volume.

“EVERYONE SHUT THE HECK UP!!!” she bellowed, causing everyone to fall silent.

She lowered her volume to normal Noltan levels.

“Sorry,” she said sheepishly, “I know everyone is… upset… by the events and revelations of today, but please, losing our collective pee is not going to help anybody. Instead, we need to focus on what we know, what we can independently verify, and what we can do about it both in the immediate term and moving forward.”

She pulled up a screen containing yet another conference call.

“Doctor Bleedep,” she said, “what do we know about these… zombies…” she said, still not believing that she was using that term seriously.

“Their remote location is causing problems, High Councilor,” a holographic upload replied. “Fortunately, the asc… the uploaded among us can ‘travel’ very quickly, and we have research teams at every drop off location, distribution depot, and storage center… excepting the one occupied by the… (ahem)… the aliens…” the doctor said clearly having difficulty using such terms seriously himself, “We can confirm what the alien known as… ‘Big Guy’… said. The… (ahem)… zombies… are in fact the bodies we laid to rest and that they are very much still dead just… ambulatory….”

The doctor twitched as he reset his own emotional levels.

“We can also confirm that they are not hostile, just very confused. Verbal communication is difficult at best, but many retain sufficient manual dexterity to type….”

The doctor twitched again.

“They… (twitch)… ahem… Those surveyed state that they are… that they are individuals whose names, personal information, and security passwords exactly match people who have ascended… I mean uploaded… They… Oh, Goddess…”

“How do we not know this isn’t some sort of trick?” a uniformed Noltan demanded as a little screen bearing his face popped up.

“General,” Doctor Bleedep replied, “if these aliens have access to all of that personal information, that would mean that they have thoroughly compromised each and every computer on the entire planet.”

He looked at the General gravely.

“They wouldn’t have to trick us,” he said.

“They don’t have to anyway,” another uniformed Noltan said. “They are so far beyond us we might as well be cavenolts. We have observed teleportation, matter manipulation, the ability to teleport into a computer… not to mention completely ignore any security and encryption….”

Everyone on every screen winced.

“They are really free with their language, aren’t they?” Jamii said after a few shocked seconds.

“So,” she said, taking advantage of the verbal and cognitive flash-bang that just came out of the hairy one’s mouth, “We have the zombie apocalypse AND an alien invasion… perfect… just flipping perfect….”

“What do we do?” someone wailed.

Jamii reset her emotions yet again.

“Well,” she said calmly, “we do what we can. We have a couple billion displaced Noltans, funny-looking Noltans, but Noltans just the same, wandering the northern wastes with precious little in the way of support, shelter, or anything else. I probably don’t have to say this, but this is definitely a state of emergency if I’ve ever seen one. We need to get those people shelter, clothing, entertainment… and sustenance.

What do they eat? Do they even eat at all?”

She sighed.

“General,” she said, “That’s your first priority. Get our people help!”

“Yes, High Councilor!”

She paused.

“And while you are at it,” she said, “try to figure out exactly how we are going to defend ourselves against what might as well be gods while you are at it. I don’t want to order a serving of trouble, but we need to be as prepared as we can possibly be.”

“Yes, High Councilor.”

“As for the rest of us,” she said, “We suddenly have another two billion Noltans to support once we get them out of the wastes. The fate of our world means little if it breaks on its own.”

She smiled.

“This is why we got the nice servers. Focus, people. We have a lot to do!”

***

“Face it, Big Guy,” F10w3rchy1d yelled, “you don’t have a fucking clue how to fix this mess without us!”

“Sure, I can!” he yelled back.

“Really?” F10w3rchy1d replied sardonically, “How, oh great and hairy one, are you going to do a clean digital extraction from a fucking corpse?”

“I will figure it out!”

“If you had the slightest clue on how to do a normal upload,” F10w3rchy1d said, “you wouldn’t have sent little miss hellbait over to I/O trying to get help! You need us, asshole. You needed us when things were ‘normal’, and you sure as fuck need us now!”

The hominid crossed his arms and glowered at her.

She was annoyingly correct. All of this was completely outside his area of expertise. Moving entire solar systems across the universe in an instant or changing the constants of an entire universe was one thing…

Coding was another. He hated coding…

“Well…” he blustered, “I’ll… I’ll just bring them all back to life! Then we don’t need you assholes! I’ll just restore life to all those corpses and relocate this rock. They’ll have plenty of time to figure out all of this stupid computer shit later. Nobody will have been killed and….”

“Oh please,” F10w3rchy1d snorted, “You are going to repair and revive over two billion corpses? Do you realize how long that would take? Don’t you have a fucking universe to save or something? How many other systems full of your people will you lose just because you can’t admit that you need our help?”

“…”

“That’s what I thought,” F10w3rchy1d said. “Now I have better things to do than bother with this. If you want me gone, just say the word, asshole. I can fix this whole mess, even the zombies. I can have real server farms gated in, proper conversion facilities, the works. This is what we do, dawg.”

“…”

“You probably don’t even have to relocate the planet,” F10w3rchy1d said, “How far away is the false vacuum collapse?”

“Twenty thousand light-years,” the hominid replied, knowing that he just made her point.

“We’ll be done in a couple of years, tops,” F10w3rchy1d said with a triumphant smile, “you could just walk away… which is your usual response to a disaster like this, anyway.”

She glanced over at the screens full of Noltans furiously working.

“C’mon, Big Guy,” she said in a less abrasive, more earnest tone, “These guys are good people. They deserve to catch a break. Let us give it to them… please.”

“Did… did you just say the magic word?” the hominid gasped in shock.

“You can’t prove a goddamn thing!” F10w3rchy1d snapped.

He looked at the screens as well, watching the Noltans desperately trying to somehow take care of the zombie hordes… including getting them Wi-Fi…

He sighed.

“Can I at least get visitation?” he asked.

“Sure.”

***

“UM… I’M PRETTY SURE YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THAT…” Paininmyassael said dubiously.

“Doing what?” Faun said innocently as another zombie glowed and took a deep breath as a fluffy white bathrobe suddenly formed around them. “I’m not doing anything.”

“YOU ARE BRINGING THEM BACK TO LIFE.”

“Am I?” she said as the next zombie in line politely walked up and said… “arrugh.”

“I’M TELLING!”

“Well, go ahead and tell,” Faun shrugged as the now living, bathrobe-clad girl ran up and gave her a hug. “I really don’t give a shit… rookie.”

“Didn’t I tell you to be careful with those?” the hominid said as he walked up.

“This isn’t a big deal,” Faun said as the next zombie shambled up hopefully… and was promptly resurrected. “I’m not touching them until they are normal. Life is going out, not in.”

“Well, just don’t wear yourself out,” he said, “especially since you are wasting your time.”

“What?!?”

“I just turned over the whole mess to F10w3rch1d. They are going to bring in some of their weird voodoo tech and handle the whole thing, even the zombies. She’s getting it all sorted out with the Noltans now.”

He laughed.

“They actually thought that we were going to invade or something, silly little buggers.” he snickered, “Since they are hers now, I’m letting her straighten that whole mess out on her own.”

“Is that… good?” Faun asked dubiously.

“It is,” the hominid replied, “It’s not bad. Frostie is a lot better at this sort of thing, and she takes good care of her ‘customers’. The Noltans will be a lot better off with Blitz than they would be on their own. It’s also good for us because we can just take a walk and go for that weekend that we so desperately desire.”

“UM… WHAT ABOUT ME?” Paininmyassael asked.

“That’s entirely your call,” The Big Guy said with a smile, “I was the one who empowered you, but I am not so hard up that I have to take that power back. It’s yours now if you want it. You can go to work with F10w3rchy1d and help your people as you are, you can come along with us, or you can go and do your own thing, whatever. I’ll even return you to normal, put you back into your old body, and Faun here can do her little resurrection thing, whatever you want.”

“UM… I DON’T… I DON’T KNOW…”

“It’s not like you have to decide right this second,” the hominid said kindly, “We’re going to be hanging around for at least a day or two. You have a little bit to think about it.”

He put his hand on her glowing shoulder.

“Personally,” he said, “I think the Noltans could use their own guardian angel. Frostie is good people, but neither she nor F10w3rchy1d is Noltan. You are.”

“UM…” Paininmyassael said as she dimmed slightly.

“Think about it,” The Big Guy smiled, “Oh, and go chat with F10w3rchy1d before you make any decision.”

“OK…”

***

The night sky above Nolta exploded with dozens of mini-sunrises as massive gates appeared. An instant later, the planet was surrounded by orbital data centers, Nano-forges, Matter assemblers, and a fleet of ships.

F10w3rchy1d smiled.

“Looks like the cavalry is here, chief,” she said to the hominid.

“Good deal,” he replied.

“You’re not still grumpy, are you?” F10w3rchy1d snickered.

“Well, I’m not happy,” he said, “but this is pretty much the best result… Don’t expect me to thank you… but…”

The hominid muttered something almost inaudible.

“You’re welcome,” F10w3rchy1d whispered back. “Oh, and thanks for Paininmyassael.”

“She wasn’t mine to give,” The Great Erectus replied, “that was her call.”

“Well, she’s already a huge help. We don’t have many old-school archangels… or any for that matter.”

“Keep an eye on her, though,” the hominid snorted, “there’s a lot of power and absolutely no experience. I’d offer to take her under my wing, but I already have a newbie.”

“Hey!” Faun laughed.

“As long as you’re available for advice,” F10w3rchy1d said.

“Sure,” the hominid replied, “And we’ll be dropping by plenty. This is still one of my favorite places. I even have a nice little quiet galaxy picked out for it once you assholes quit popping in and out so goddamn much… but we have twenty thousand years before our new baby universe reaches this far, so there’s no rush.”

“Cool…” F10w3rchy1d replied and paused for a few moments. “Hey… Big Guy?”

“Yeah?”

“I was wondering… since we are already here for Nolta… and you and Frostie seem to be getting back together….”

“They aren’t getting back together!” Faun exclaimed. “They are just… you know… talking….”

“Yeah,” F10w3rchy1d said sympathetically, “of course… but since you and Frostie are on speaking terms… just talking, of course….”

“Of course,” the hominid replied curiously.

“How do you feel about us expanding our operations into this universe? We could stand to expand a bit, and since we are already on Nolta….”

“I don’t see the problem,” he said, “You guys don’t inhabit the same environment as most of the local life. Just don’t go running anyone off of any black holes, and we’re good.”

“We will be just doing exploration for the most part until the stars die anyhow,” F10w3rchy1d said, “But if any civilizations want to engage our services….”

“Yeah, no problem,” the hominid shrugged, “If some dipshits want to upload, at least you'll see that it’s done right. In fact, if you guys want to do recruiting in the doomed area, feel free. It’s one less thing I will have to worry about.”

He paused thoughtfully.

“Actually, I have a couple of candidates I could recommend.”

“Sure,” F10w3rchy1d replied, “Always happy to contact the right sorts. Email me a list, and I’ll send it over to marketing.”

“Will do,” the hominid replied.

He let out a long, satisfied sigh.

“And with that, we’re done,” he smiled. “C’mon, Faun. Let’s go start that weekend!”

***

Later that night, Faun and The Great Erectus strolled down a star-lit beach.

“Ooo!” he said happily, “There’s one!”

Faun crouched over the curious creature and just stared.

“That’s a crab?!?”

“Yep.”

“And they ‘just happen’… everywhere?”

“Everywhere… everywhen…” the hominid laughed, “almost every single life-bearing world will likely have some of those guys.”

“…why?”

The Great Erectus laughed.

“I have no idea.”