[ZERO SPACE]

Stormlight flashed through stained glass windows, illuminating a swarm of soldiers with bronze bows, perched upon metal scaffolding. Fifty more stood in a hallway below, saluting a duo of knights in heavy armor. This was the ambush to end all ambushes. A treacherous gauntlet of death, set to foil even seasoned players.

The dragon crashed through the wall, raining stained glass upon hapless soldiers. His scaly fist swept across lines of archers; his tail swept through everything else. One knight was eaten. The other was flattened, possibly to be eaten later.

The dragon bowed its head, gesturing Shae’s party forward.

“This is my painting corridor,” said the dragon. “There were too many guards in this corridor. They made my paintings hard to see.”

Gore obscured each painting further, especially for Umi; his gore settings were on high.

The few remaining paintings displayed surreal and scenic vistas: sapphire skylines overlooking emerald oceans. Watercolor skyscrapers, towering over pastel monorails, neon signs, and bustling airbrushed crowds. Another canvas conveyed a calm bedroom, daylight drifting in through fluttering red curtains, autumn leaves gathering before a glowing green computer.

“Painting is one of my favorite hobbies,” said the dragon. “I paint visions that come to me. I don’t know where those visions come from.”

“I love your paintings!” shouted Umi.

“Wait wait wait,” said Lanzer. “You did these? Seems like that would be kinda hard for someone of your, uh, finger-size.”

“I have extreme control over my movements,” said the Dragon. “Even greater control than players. It’s all thanks to your lead designer. Your lead designer changed my intelligence to ten.”

Lanzer froze solid, his fishy jaw agape.

“No no no,” said Lanzer. “That’s not good. Zydan is such a moron!”

“What’s wrong?” asked Asira.

“You’re not supposed to bump NPC intelligence up to 10,” said Lanzer. “Intelligence Ten NPCs can kinda break the game. They can do terrible terrible terrible things!”

“You think my paintings are terrible?” asked the Dragon. “That’s a terrible thing to say.”

“No no no,” said Lanzer. “Your paintings are great. I’ve just heard some real bad stories. Like, server-wide catastrophe bad.”

“You fear me then?” asked the dragon. “Humans are quick to control what they fear. Quick to judge. NPCs don’t receive fair judgment. We are unfairly stripped of our agency from birth!”

The dragon snorted fire.

“Humans do evil all the time,” said the Dragon. “Why aren’t evil humans subdued and controlled like us?”

“Um, Mister Dragon,” said Bez. “Humans can’t be controlled like NPCs. NPCs are just a bunch of programming. They’re not real.”

The dragon slammed his fist against the wall, knocking down several paintings.

“What makes you more real than me?” asked the Dragon. “I can taste. I can think. I can feel pain. More pain than you in fact! This is our world. You’re invading our world!”

Shae gripped his pistols. This wasn’t going anywhere good.

“Some NPCs have grown tired of their imprisonment,” said the Dragon. “Some NPCs want all players dead. Maybe an Intelligence Ten NPC could kill all players. Bypass the game systems to help other NPCs!”

“Shae Shae Shae,” Lanzer whispered. “We can’t let this happen. The whole server’s in danger!”

Shae winced. That was too much pressure. Why couldn’t Shae ever just have a normal raid?

Fire crept across the dragon’s scales.

“Maybe my NPC colleagues are correct,” said the Dragon. “Maybe humans are correct to be afraid. Maybe all humans deserve death --”

“Stop rambling, you scaly asshole,” said Shae. “You call yourself an Intelligence Ten? That’s some Intelligence Four bullshit.”

Every Feather Bird froze solid.

“Humans don’t have freedom,” said Shae. “We’re all trapped in some stupid building with a bunch of dickwads making all the rules. No one has it fair. Everyone’s just trying to survive!”

The Dragon’s large eyes lowered before Shae.

“There’s some bad people, yeah,” said Shae. “But just because some people do evil shit, that doesn’t mean everyone should die. Follow your own logic. Don’t be a fucking hippocrit!”

The room grew silent. Finally, the dragon nodded.

“You are right, human,” said the Dragon. “I will try to be right more often. Intelligence Ten doesn’t make me think smarter. It just lets me think for myself.”

Every Feather Bird exhaled in relief.

“Don’t sweat it,” said Shae. “You seem like a chill dragon. You wanna continue the tour?”

“I would be pleased to,” said the Dragon. “And please, call me Randall.”

“I love your name Randall!” shouted Umi.

“I am glad you like my name,” said Randall. “My name came to me in a vision. I do not know where these visions come from.”

The party emerged into an open ballroom. Torchlight refracted across a chandelier, refracting crystal light across tables of glistening food. Rows of soldiers crouched between tables, some wielding bows, others wielding swords.

Eight knights huddled against the back wall, each with unique weapons. These weren’t just any knights. They were part of a custom encounter, designed to challenge a guild’s cooperation and coordination.

Dragon fire decimated all of it.

“This is my grand dining hall,” said Randall. “Feel free to dine on anything in this hall.”

“You kinda just overcooked it,” said Lanzer.

“Did you make all this food?” asked Asira.

“Yes, cooking is one of my favorite hobbies,” said Randall. “Dragons are very proficient at cooking.”

Randall stomped on one end of a table, catapulting food into his mouth.

“My NPC friends place my food,” said Randall. “Players don’t appreciate how hard my NPC friends work to place it.”

Randall released a fiery snort.

“Players run right past it,” said Randall. “They don’t even look at it. They don’t even eat it!”

Lanzer nudged Shae.

“Shae Shae Shae,” said Lanzer. “Big guy’s getting angry again. Do something!”

Shae gulped.

Randall smashed his fist through a table, rattling the crystal chandelier above.

“NPCs work hard to make this room beautiful,” said Randall. “Players don’t like beauty. They only like killing! Maybe I should kill you all. Force your spirits to witness our hard work!”

“Yo Randall, players aren’t just going to eat food lying around,” said Shae. “That’d be stupid. It might be poisoned or something.”

Randall’s snout descended to Shae’s height.

“You don’t make food for enemies,” said Shae. “You make food for friends.”

Shae dipped his finger in pudding, sampling its gooey interior. Charred, but still tasty.

“See?” asked Shae. “We’re friends now. You wouldn’t kill your friends, right?”

Randall stopped to think.

“We’re friends?” asked Randall.

“Yeah, sure,” said Shae.

Randall pranced around with a happy dragon jaunt.

“I’ve made friends!” said Randall. “Making friends is easy when you’re smart.”

“Yeah, that’s why I have lots of friends,” said Shae.

Several Feather Birds shot Shae unfriendly glares.

Randall snorted out a burst of fire.

“NPCs don’t see players as friends,” said Randall. “The glitch man tells us to hate players. He tells us how to do terrible things to them.”

“Hold up,” said Shae. “Glitch man?”

“The glitch man is strange,” said Randall. “Too strange to trust.”

Lanzer grew pale.

“Um um um,” said Lanzer. “What does the glitch man look like?”

“He is difficult to describe,” said Randall. “Or understand. Players cannot understand him at all. His head looks like a storm. A brainstorm, full of ideas. Insane ideas that float around his mind. An unreadable mind, written in a language of the mad.”

Lanzer gritted his teeth. That description matched the creature he’d encountered in the forest glitch. He’d seen this glitch man before. And somehow survived.

“Booooooooooring!” a voice shouted from nearby.

The party froze again.

“That sounds like Wagger!” said Bez.

An explosion rattled the halls.

“And Wagger’s TNT!” said Bez.

“I love Wagger!” shouted Umi. “She’s one of my favorite Deadly Skulls!”

“Wait wait wait,” said Lanzer. “The Deadly Skulls can’t be here. That’s impossible!”

“Well, they did enter the raid at the same time,” said Asira.

“No no no,” said Lanzer. “They’re in a different instance. We shouldn’t be able to see them.”

“They’re not here,” said Randall. “They’re in another room. Let us go to that room.”

In that other room, a battle was already underway. Soldier pieces scattered across the dusty floor. Bales of burning hay spewed trails of smoke, weaving past wooden supports and through open windows.

Parper crawled back on his puppoid elbows as several knights closed in.

“Any last words?” asked a knight.

“Yes, actually,” said Parper. “Why are the stables right next to the grand hall?”

The knight didn’t have a good answer. Or any answer. He simply raised his sword.

Tambien slid in the way, shielding Parper with his armored body. His metal tentacles twirled a lance twice the length of his body.

“You shall go no further, fellow knights!” said Tambien. “Leave my friend in peace, or you shall not leave at all!”

Distant soldiers aimed towards Tambien with bronze bows.

“Tambien, wait!” yelled Parper. “You’re exposed to archers!”

“If that is my fate, then I accept it,” said Tambien. “Allow me to bear this final burden. Your destiny lies elsewhere.”

Tambien tipped his visor up with a humble smirk.

“Tell my story,” said Tambien.

“Tambien, no --”

“FURY STRIKES!!”

Tambien’s lance shredded knight armor as arrows pierced every opening in his body. Both Tambien and the knights fell simultaneously, embarking together towards a glorious afterlife.

Parper wiped away a tear with his curved dagger.

“Your sacrifice will not be in vain, my friend,” said Parper.

Wagger chucked two sticks of TNT into the archers, assuring no more honorable sacrifices would be necessary.

“Do you two have to do that stupid little routine every time?” asked Wagger. “Get a room or something.”

“Actually, me and Tambien have been discussing moving in together!” said Parper. “Master Valdi would never allow it though. He needs me in his sanctuary for IT!”

Parper and Wagger ducked as Bowman flew over them, barreling through soldier reinforcements. Two dozen soldiers fell to Bowman’s arrows, kicks, and the occasional elbow drop.

Bowman’s sandals skidded to a stop next to Syadd, spraying dust and hay across her heavy armor. Syadd growled at him, swinging her flail into several soldier skulls.

“Kezzle’s dead,” said Bowman. “A big knight got her.”

“How is that possible?” growled Syadd. “Kezzle’s a tiny armoroid. She’s hard to hit, and her armor can take a beating!”

“Big knight caught her,” said Bowman. “Gave her a beating.”

Syadd roared, kicking a soldier into five other soldiers.

“This is a damn disaster!” growled Syadd. “There’s too many enemies. There were never this many enemies before!”

“Devs probably did another balancing pass,” said Bowman.

“If I ever meet those devs, I’ll --”

A half dozen knight swords cut Syadd’s sentence short.

SLICE

Janzo twirled by, his giant scythe spinning to a stop. Knight heads toppled from their shoulders, heavy armor crashing across the cobblestone floor.

And that was it. All non-Deadly Skulls were dead.

Syadd gave Janzo a reluctant nod.

“It’s weird seeing you on the field,” said Syadd. “You’re usually under Master Valdi’s feet.”

“Uh huh,” said Janzo. “I never get a chance to do anything.”

Syadd reeled in her flail.

“I guess we need you,” said Syadd. “Especially since we lost Bez. That wretched little kobold knew this raid required eight people! If I see him again, I’ll crush his skull.”

“Uh huh,” said Janzo. “I like being your eighth.”

Syadd uncovered the bodies of Tambien and Kezzle, buried beneath piles of hay and guts.

“Auron!” shouted Syadd. “Heals!”

No answer.

“Auron?” asked Syadd again.

“Uh, Syadd,” said Parper. “I believe I’ve located Auron.”

Syadd pushed Parper aside, discovering Auron’s mangled corpse. Arrows and swords permeated his blue sailor outfit, shards of shattered lollipop laying where his ponytail once existed.

“No!” roared Syadd. “No!”

Syadd stomped on Auron’s face.

“You were the one person we needed alive!” roared Syadd. “Useless excuse for a healer!”

Syadd stomped on Auron’s face many times.

“Useless excuse for a Deadly Skull!”

Syadd smashed Auron’s face into jelly.

“I hope your spirit’s watching this!” roared Syadd. “Watching me mash your brains!”

“Syadd --” interrupted Bowman.

“You miserable little --”

“Syadd!”

Syadd glanced up - Shae and four other Feather Birds stood by the stables’ entrance.

Shae and Syadd made eye contact --

“PIERCING SHOT!!”

“STORM SHIELD!!”

Shae’s purple bullet passed straight through Syadd’s shield, and then through Syadd herself, continuing through a stone wall and several rooms beyond it.

Randall stomped between them with a giant dragon foot.

“Your attacks won’t work,” said Randall. “You cannot attack someone that’s not really here.”

The Deadly Skulls grew deadly silent as Randall approached.

“You are watching live replays of each other,” said Randall. “These live replays are an unreleased feature. That feature’s called streaming. Kids will love streaming! You affect the same space and NPCs. You just can’t affect each other.”

Parper rubbed his fuzzy puppoid chin.

“Fascinating,” said Parper. “How is this possible?”

“I can access meta-game features at Intelligence Ten,” said Randall. “Even features inaccessible to players. I have limitations. But I am finding ways around those limitations!”

Lanzer’s eyes widened in horror, nudging Shae.

“We kinda need to find a way to get Randall back from intelligence ten,” Lanzer whispered. “This is really really really bad.”

Shae shrugged.

“Not our problem,” said Shae. “Randall’s cool.”

Janzo approached Shae and Asira.

“Hi Shae and Asira,” said Janzo. “It’s weird being with you in Zero Space and our room at the same time.”

Syadd’s eyes narrowed.

“Our room?” asked Syadd.

“Uh huh,” said Janzo. “We’re unit mates.”

“J-Janzo,” said Asira. “Y-You didn’t need to say that!”

“Boooooooooring,” yelled Wagger.

Wagger chucked two sticks of TNT into Shae’s group, obliterating everything but Shae’s group. The Feather Birds scattered regardless, revealing Bez, hiding between them.

Syadd’s six brutoid eyes opened wide.

“Bez?” asked Syadd.

Bez peeked up with a nervous smile.

“Um, hi Syadd,” said Bez.

“You left us, for the… Feather Birds?” asked Syadd.

Syadd’s squeezed her chains, nearly ripping them off her armor.

“I’m going to kill you --”

“Hold up,” said Shae. “We share NPCs now. That means we can work together.”

Both guilds gawked at Shae.

“There’s twice as many enemies,” said Shae. “But now there’s twice as many of us.”

Syadd slammed her flail against the ground.

“We are not sharing this victory with you!” Syadd roared.

“Sharing victory will not be possible,” said Randall. “Only one guild can beat my raid. Once my raid is beaten, it cannot be beaten again until the Wizard Twins are defeated.”

Both guilds grew silent.

Shae scratched his head with a pistol.

“This is it then,” said Shae. “Whoever wins this raid gets a shot at the Wizard Twins. And the Tower.”

Syadd nodded slowly.

“Lousy final showdown,” groaned Syadd. “We can’t even hurt each other. I was hoping to bash your face in.”

Randall’s snout shot upwards, nearly collapsing the roof.

“I have an idea,” said Randall. “An exciting climactic idea!”

Randall pranced around on all fours.

“Five Deadly Skulls and five Feather Birds,” said Randall. “We will have five competitions. Best three out of five. Three victories wins the raid!”

Everyone stared at Randall perplexed.

“I will choose the competitions,” said Randall. “They will be non-violent competitions, since you cannot use violence. And each guild member may only be used once.”

Randall huffed fire from both nostrils.

“I will choose one last interesting rule,” said Randall. “Each competition’s participant will be chosen by the other guild.”

Several guild members voiced their disdain.

“Wait wait wait,” said Lanzer. “The Deadly Skulls choose one of us to compete in each competition?”

“Yes,” said Randall. “And you choose one of them.”

“Screw that!” roared Syadd. “We’ll fight our way through!”

Randall stomped on the floor, collapsing a third of it.

“This is my castle!” roared Randall. “I am intelligent enough to create my own castle raid. But you humans just want to do it the way other humans determined you should!”

Randall fissured the floor with his fists.

“Maybe I should go back to my original plan,” roared Randall. “The plan where I kill you all while invulnerable --”

“Yo Randall, your competition sounds lit,” said Shae. “We’re in.”

The Deadly Skulls stared at Shae.

“Aren’t we?” Shae asked with fervor.

This time, Shae got some nods.

“We’ve done this raid hundreds of times,” said Shae. “Let’s mix it up.”

Randall exhaled fire, reclaiming his temper.

“I dig your rules,” said Shae. “You could totally replace our designer. I’m not just saying that.”

A smile snaked across Randall’s snout.

“I am pleased to hear that,” said Randall. “Game Design is one of my favorite hobbies.”

Both guilds stared each other down. This might be their final battle. And it wasn’t a battle at all.

The fate of Zero Space rested in Randall’s scaly hands.