I was the drunk cousin at the wedding, yelling that the marriage had six months tops before vomiting all over myself and crashing through the finger nibbles table. Everyone, and I mean everyone, in the park was weeping and celebrating. Cris was hanging from my neck, crying her own tears of joy. Honey wasn’t quite sure what to make of it so she squatted and soaked some weeds. I was Captain Buzzkill, leader of the Misery Squad. This wasn’t a time for celebration, I could feel it.

“We’re receiving word that the comet has made contact with Earth. One of our reporters is currently skirting the Austrian mountains and sent us this footage.”

Cris pulled back and we watched the impact together. Its speed had dropped from a high of six thousand miles per hour to a more reasonable forty according to NASA projections.

“Those poor people,” Cris gasped as it struck, wiping out Slovakia completely. Centuries of history, crushed to powder.

“I heard they evacuated everyone to surrounding countries.”

Her face lit up with a massive smile and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to kiss those lips. “Really?”

“Yeah. They knew it was hopeless, but it was at least doing something. Busywork to keep people from losing their shit. It looks like it paid off.”

“Holy moly! Look!”

From the helicopter’s vantage, the camera picked up the churning wave of earth and rock which flowed like water from the newly formed crater holding the sphere. The ground split apart like an eggshell as earthquakes tore the crust asunder.

Out of nowhere, I felt the tremors begin to rumble beneath my feet. The happiness ebbed and the cries of fear resumed. I just stayed where I was, watching as the wave of debris which had once been a country broke against the soaring Alps. Car alarms in the surrounding streets started to shrill, adding their own noise to the tumult.

“Are we in danger?” Cris asked, breathlessly.

I shook my head. “Not from the tremors. Look, the ground’s already settling.”

She looked to the screen and the liquescent earth returned to its solid state. New mountain ranges in the pattern of a gigantic ring had been created in a matter of seconds. In the lull that followed the shockwave, I didn’t really know what to do.

Cris was also at a loss. Now that death was off the table, she cautiously backed away from the stranger with the yellow dog.

I didn’t want her to leave.

“Would you like a drink? I’ve got tea or bad coffee.”

“Bad coffee?”

“Instant. None of that posh shit that you guys drink from those squeezy machines.”

She hesitated and I’ll be damned if my heart wasn’t racing almost as fast as it had when I’d been facing annihilation.

“Just coffee?” she said.

“Of course. You’re not my type.”

Her smiled fell away. “Oh.”

I died a little inside.

I backed a truck across my rubbish strewn body that had only just started to regain consciousness. Then I shifted to first and drove forward with a double thump of bouncing suspension. To make sure, I backed up again until I was nothing but an embarrassed smear on the tarmac.

The silence became painfully awkward.

Say something, you tit!

Despite the niggling fear that the danger was far from over, I realised life was way too short and punted pigeon Mark across the field. In a cloud of grey feathers, I evolved into a new person. One who didn’t give a shit.

“I’m kidding. You’re exactly my type. You’re gorgeous. But I only want a cuppa to calm my nerves.” I put my hand on my chest. “Cross my heart and hope to...” Nope. Shut up. Let’s not kick the hornet’s nest of fate.

Her posture relaxed and she grinned. “I’m quite discerning when it comes to my coffee,” she warned me with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes.

“I’ve got tap water?”

“That’ll probably be better than instant.”

“Shall we?” I asked, offering my elbow.

She paused for a split second before slipping her arm in mine. “Lead on. If you were a creep, you wouldn’t have such an amazing friend.” She scratched at Honey’s ear as she trotted past.

I pictured Precious the fluffy white poodle and my half naked form dancing in front of a mirror; my junk tucked between my legs while I wore nothing but a colourful shawl.

You need help. Seriously.

“Your friends have got a lot of explaining to do.”

“They’ve got a lot of making up to do! Bail on me and leave me alone in a strange country with strange men? Honestly, I should kick their asses too.”

“They don’t come much stranger than me,” I agreed as we crossed the street.

Honey nudged the unlocked gate with her nose and disappeared inside. I played the gentleman and held it open for Cris.

“So that’s where the muscles come from,” she remarked at the weights.

“And massive amounts of roids.”

She wrinkled her nose. “You know that they give you a pimply back and a… er, smaller something else.”

“There’s nothing wrong with my back!” I argued as we disappeared inside.

“I notice you didn’t say anything about my other point.”

“I can’t deny science.” I motioned to the open staircase.

She stopped and looked down the hall. “What’s through the curtain?”

“My greatest love and my greatest mistake.”

“Both in one place, huh? That’s convenient. Would you mind?”

I shook my head and took her through, revealing the albatross around my neck. The huge steel ball shackled to my ankle. Cartoon figures painted on wooden frames around the electronic wizardry of the games machines. It all looked so benign, so friendly. To my mind, the oversized eyes and beaming smiles held a hint of ridicule and malice. The recent lack of any kind of sleep while I tossed and turned, fretting over impending homelessness didn’t help with my beliefs.

“This. Is. Amazing!”

I was shocked as she moved to an original Space Invader machine. “It is?”

I’d set the payment to free and she pressed the flashing red button to add a credit. Her skill at dodging incoming fire while leading with her own shots was impressive. The first wave fell without loss of life. Leaving her spacecraft unmanned, she ran over to Golden Axe and picked the barbarian.

“Self-insert?” she asked as her sword pommel went to work on the head of a Heninger soldier.

“My loincloth’s black. And I prefer to play paladins.”

“Interesting,” she replied, chain headbutting the Bad Brothers to death on Chicken Leg. “Someone likes their armour.”

“I like big suits and I can’t deny,” I started to sing, then forcefully closed my mouth. I watched as she approached the fateful bridge jump and knew from the moment the button was pressed she’d misjudged. The barbarian fell to his death.

“Damnit!”

“You played video games?”

“I play video games.”

An angel appeared at a church organ in my mind playing Here Comes the Bride.

“It’s all we had in my little town,” she explained. “An arcade at the back of Mason’s Groceries. He’d rotate the machines every few months. I could be a warrior, or a pilot, or a race car driver. A hundred different lives, all in one place.”

“It’s cool to escape reality sometimes, isn’t it?”

“You can say that again,” she said, looking wistfully at the games. “Shall we get that water now?”

I held the curtain open again. “After you.”

This time she didn’t deviate and headed straight up the stairs. I had a gut wrenching moment of panic as my memory banks checked over my little flat for anything embarrassing. Kitchen? Cleaned this morning. Lounge? Hoovered and dusted. Bedroom? Bed made with clean sheets. No used tissues. Bathroom? Might have a bit of crud left from my morning shower, but the toilet was flushed and bleached. I relaxed and followed. I guess you could say I wasn’t a typical guy. The pizza boxes went straight into the recycling. Pots and pans were scrubbed and dried immediately. I had three plug-in air fresheners on the go for goodness sake. No normal person needed that much Citrus Punch in their life. Except me, it seemed.

“This is lovely,” Cris said as she stepped into my little home.

“Thanks. It’s not much, but it’s home.” For a few more weeks until the bailiffs smashed my door in to take all my goods and toss me out onto the street.

Honey had taken up her favoured position on the sofa and sat down. This normally meant I was to sit next to her to provide a convenient pillow for her agonisingly pointy elbows and marginally softer, but heavier head. This time she was panting at Cris, her tail beating at the cushions.

Charming. They’d known each other two minutes and I’d been replaced. Leaving the girls to do their thing, I slipped into the kitchen and switched the kettle on.

“Ow!” Cris hissed from the lounge.

I grinned and felt ashamed of myself. “Watch those elbows!”

“Thanks for the warning. They’re like knives.”

“She hasn’t quite realised she’s not a lap dog anymore.”

“Maybe not, but she’s a good girl, aren’t you? Yes, you are.”

I could hear the tail thumping happily over the running water as it sloshed into the glass.

“Creatures of Earth, hear us now!”

I dropped the glass in the sink and it shattered into a dozen pieces.

What in all the fucks was that?

“Mark?” Cris called, her voice terrified.

Honey was whining miserably.

I couldn’t explain how, but the words seemed to come from inside my own head, as if I was a satellite dish picking up a bizarre Russian sitcom. Except the voice wasn’t Russian. And the was nothing com about the gravelly, emotionless voice. It wasn’t like anything I’d heard before. The closest I could think was a mixture of rocks in a cement mixer and the two hapless aliens from The Simpsons; Kang and Kodos.

Shit.

A comet that’s not a comet.

At least a partial jaunt through space.

Inexplicable… engineering? Was that the right word?

Non-indigenous lifeforms.

Alien.

E.T.

Fuck. My. Life.

“Who and what we are is unimportant. Your planet had been selected for eradication, that is all that should concern you.”

Had? What the hell did it mean, had?

“During our approach, we scanned the entirety of your history. You are a vile species who seek only to dominate and destroy.”

I couldn’t argue with him. Her. It. We were dicks by nature. Seven billion walking phalli who did their best to piss all over the world and its beauty. Some people even paid for services like that, but I wasn’t among them. My natural defence mechanism of disjointed sarcasm failed. We were in big fucking trouble.

Cris ran into the kitchen and flew into my arms, closely followed by Honey who was walking in circles, trying to work out where the voice was coming from.

When they said creatures, they weren’t kidding. Everyone and everything could hear them. I could picture Free Willy, his jump thrown off by the intrusion, landing on Jesse in a welter of gore. Or an unscrupulous bear-baiter being savaged by his chained grizzly who had gone nuts at the voice. Chow down, Yogi, my son. You earned that pic-a-nic basket of tough, sour meat.

“What is this?” Cris asked fearfully.

“The comet I guess?”

Her hair smelled of roses and sin. Or was that last part me projecting my own desires? First contact had been made and all I wanted was a little first contact of my own. I was a terrible person.

“One thing has spared you from the destruction you so richly deserve.”

Jesus? Buddha? Little Orphan Annie?

“Your boundless imagination.”

Well that took me by surprise. Daydreaming trysts between myself, Charlize Theron, and Kate Beckinsale while we were all on an overnight train journey was hardly the most noble of pastimes. Still, it got me through the day.

I’d been single way too long.

“We observed your movie-films, your word-journals, and your pretend-lives playing as heroes, saving the world from the darkness. We are that darkness. We come from a place outside of your reality. You cannot defeat us. You can only hope to entertain us.”

“What do they mean?” asked Cris.

I didn’t imagine an unlikely threesome between myself and the veteran actresses was on their radar. “I have no idea.”

“We are going to create a challenge. One that will span vast kingdoms, bring together incredible beings of your own creation, and teach you what it really means to live!”

“Did I just hear what I think I heard?”

I tried my best to ignore the rose scents and the press of her body. “It sounds like they’re making a game.”

“Like an arcade machine?”

“These are beings from outside reality. I can imagine they’ll do better than an 8-bit coin-op in a smoke filled room surrounded by spotty nerds.”

“They banned smoking indoors.”

“You know what I mean.”

“And I wasn’t a nerd.”

“You don’t have to tell me,” I replied. “I bet even with pimples and braces you turned heads.”

“Nice try, buster,” she said, slapping my arm playfully.

“I didn’t mean it as an insult, by the way. I loved being a nerd. I also loved playing sports, but the ability to leave this world for a few hours a day saved me.”

“Me too. What do you think this means for us?”

“People?”

She nodded into my chest.

I had images of tripod craft lasering crowds of people to death, but I kept that to myself. I suspected any beings that could pierce the veil of existence had more interesting weapons to use. Then again, they had tried to metaphorically run us off the road with their truck until changing their minds at the last minute. What if they’d misjudged our planet and written off their own vehicle? The insurance premium on their orb must have been stratospheric.

Investigator – What happened?

Alien species – Well, we were just driving through the Milky Way when BAM! The son of a bitch came out of nowhere.

Investigator – There were no space skid marks that we could see. Did you even notice the planet coming?

Alien species – Umm, of course I did. It just happened so quickly.

Investigator – Sir-ma’am-it, did the intergalactic police carry out a system-side breath test?

Alien species – We didn’t call them. We thought…

Investigator - Sir-ma’am-it, you know the rules of your policy following any collision. I’m afraid that without further investigation we can’t go ahead and release the funds on your claim at this time. We’ll be in touch.

Hangs up.

Alien species’ spouse – I told you not to have those beers! Now look at what you’ve gone and done! I needed the ship this week!

Alien species – Just get off my back, already, Tuq’el! I only drink because you’re such an insufferable bitch.

Alien species’ spouse – You rotten arsehole! I’m going to stay with my sister!

Alien species – Oh that’s it, run away like you always do. You’re just like your mother!

The door slammed on my bizarre sideshow as the real aliens continued.

“There are eight point three billion humans on your Earth.”

“I thought it was seven point nine?” Cris whispered.

“I guess they have better ways of counting. And why are you whispering?”

“The game will be of indeterminate length. When we are satisfied, we will leave. If you should fail to entertain us, however…”

Tripods. Lasers. Tom Cruise sneezing people dust while being a complete fuck-up of a dad. Got it.

“All I will say is, you won’t feel a thing.”

“That’s what I said to my last girlfriend.” Poor humour, meet inappropriate timing.

“It’s the roids.” Cris explained helpfully.

“In four hours’ time, champions will be selected from your population. You may volunteer by simply thinking it. We’ll know. If too few volunteer willingly, the others will be picked at random. There is but one rule to volunteering; you can’t be active, or retired from your armed groups of forces. Law and war, both are disqualifications.”

“Come on!” I yelled, startling Honey.

“That seems a tad unfair.”

“I can sense your collective angst at our proposal. Take comfort that it’s inevitable and you can do nothing except comply. Four hours.”

“Well that got dark quickly,” I muttered.

“We’re still alive though!”

“For four hours.”

“Don’t be such a downer.”

The sensation of dark tendrils feeling their way through my mind faded. What’s worse is I hadn’t felt them up until that point, so it was almost as if they wanted us to know how powerful they were and how easily they could pick us clean.

“I guess I should get you that water now.”

Cris reached into the sink and carefully pulled a jagged shard out. “Yeah, but can I have a fresh glass?”

I rolled my eyes. “Sheesh. Someone’s outstaying their welcome.”

“I know, but I’ll let you hang around for a while longer.”

I laughed even as I wondered what the future held for humanity. Short games and a quick death by my estimation.