I was in a grey room ten feet square. The walls were plain except for a single door set into the wall in front of me. It carried centuries in the dirty grain, which stood in stark contrast to the smooth concrete around it. A screen floated in the middle of the room directly between me and the exit. There was no visible way of opening the door; no handle, no latch, no lock, so I gave up and turned my attention to the tablet. My anger at yet again not being placed back with Cris had abated. At this point, they could even use the knowledge of my feelings against me.

I was now as cool as a cucumber.

That had been left out in the sun for several hours.

In the middle of the Sahara Desert.

On top of a barbecue.

The display was blank until I tapped the glass. A menu appeared with a variety of headings. Page one had eight options which read as follows –

Tutorial Dungeon A Green and Pleasant Land Happy Happy Fun Land Stop Bugging Me Prehistoric Pandemonium Hellscape Nightmare Mecha Tyrannicus Realm of the Lich King

I switched to page 2, but it was populated with eight lines of question marks interspersed with skulls. Pages 3 and 4 were the same, and I gave up looking any further. The first title was self-explanatory, but I opened it anyway.

Tutorial Dungeon – For the timid amongst you. This two tier dungeon will teach you the basics of combat and looting. The enemies and bosses are capped at level 4. Unless you’re a complete moron, you’ve got a better than 50% chance of success.

World size – Very small

I put my chances at less than twenty percent based on the final line. I was unable to help myself and picked number 3.

Happy Happy Fun Land – A place of happiness and fun. And happiness. The Pixie Queen Magnolia Leafwillow has brought her love of happiness and fun to the world. Rabbits bound happily through the meadows of fun. Cats have unlimited happy milk to lap up. Dogs have self-throwing fun sticks. Sheep bleat happily in green pastures. Pigs roll in the fun mud. Unicorn farts smell of happy roses. Fairies spread happiness and fun with their magic. Did we mention it was a fun place? It totally is. Nothing Grimm to see here. You can trust us.

World size - Medium

I didn’t trust them at all. I could picture the person typing with tears streaming down their terrified face. Queen Magnolia was swirling a fireball in the background. It was made to sound easy, but that was subjective when you were a complete newbie to the ‘game’. The sneaky little addition of Grimm hadn’t escaped my notice either. The modern retellings of the original fairy-tales were sanitised and cheery. I remembered reading the horrific originals in a corner of the local library when I was a boy and shuddered. Child murder and worse. I closed it down and tried number 2.

A Green and Pleasant Land – Boglug Gutrender has emerged from the caverns beneath Mount Whitespear. Decades after the crushing defeat of his predecessor by Grand Marshal Milton Dawnstar, the legendary tinkerer wants retribution. Driven by their genius goblin masters, the orcish hordes raze everything in their path. Towns and villages fall under the green wave that is washing across the kingdom. Refugees and the remnants of Dawnstar’s defeated armies flee for their lives towards the last bastions of human life on the far side of Grimwolf Forest to the east. Should these fortresses fall, so too will the world itself.

World size - Large

Orcish armies and fallen kingdoms? Sod that. It was like something out of Warhammer. Aside from the tutorial dungeon, I was zero for two on my choices. Number 4 was next.

Stop Bugging Me – What do you get when you cross a faculty of nerdy entomologists and a secret nuclear experiment in the bowels of the university? This isn’t a joke! You get insects the size of frickin’ busses! When the prototype fusion reactor fails, the radiation released triggers an extreme evolutionary response from the insects kept in the lab above. Growing in mass by hundreds, sometimes thousands of times, humanity now finds itself hunted by the cold, emotionless bugs we all used to crush under our boots or burn with magnifying glasses for fun. Oh, you didn’t? My bad. I’m not a serial killer. Honest. Just don’t look in my basement. What?

World size – Large

“Nope. Let’s see what’s behind door number 5.”

Prehistoric Pandemonium – 65 million years in the making, and they’re very, very hungry. From lawyers cowering on toilets, to innocent goats staked out in the open, nothing is safe. The genetic catastrophe happened three years ago. A spillage at a lab created the first of the dinosaurs when the ancient DNA in the broken vial was ingested by a caged Komodo. During the carnage of its escape, more creatures were spawned in the ruins. They now own the world. They’re at the top of the food chain. We rank somewhere above gophers. At least they can burrow when they’re in danger. You will need to fight back against the Jurassic menace and find the toxin that will send them back to the tar pits from whence they came.

World size - Large

“Are you kidding me?”

I imagined myself slipping down some huge carnivore’s digestive tract. Then I imagined myself as a massive pile of shit that Jeff Goldblum remarked upon in a partly buttoned black shirt. I wasn’t sure which was the most humiliating, though I suspected the former would be the more painful part of the process.

“This just gets worse and worse. Don’t they have any safety protocols in these bloody labs?”

I clicked on 6.

Hellscape Nightmare – The Gates of Hell were thrown open and the mighty legions of that fiery realm subjugated our world. The demon lords farm souls from the last surviving humans to feed their infernal war machine in preparation for the Final Battle with Heaven. Small groups survive by hiding and moving from shelter to shelter. You will need to find these warriors and join their ranks. From the shadows you will strike back, liberate the slaves, and crush the demon princes that control the sulphurous horrors. Only then can the Gates of Hell be sealed for good. Or a few years, anyway. There’s always some arsehole trying to summon the devil.

World size - Large

“Fuck. Right. Off.”

7.

Mecha Tyrannicus – We created the machines to serve us coffee and clean up our mess. A crazed tech billionaire hacked their code and made them his own personal army. Now they serve us our guts on a plate. The world’s war machines have been fighting valiantly, but for every one we kill, they build ten more. We’re on the verge of annihilation. Only by joining the resistance can you hope to fight back. Find the Phased Plasma Rifle in the 40 Watt range, the only weapon capable of penetrating the armour of the mechanical overlord, and end the reign of terror before we’re all terminated.

World size - Medium

“That makes more sense.”

I’d often thought a certain cyborg looking fucker from Silicon Valley had plans to enslave humanity with his toxic slurry pit of a social platform. I didn’t relish being laser blasted by a glowing eyed terror in a dank tunnel, however, so I closed that one down and clicked on the final world.

Realm of the Lich King – In the mystical kingdom of Tulahr, the banished warrior mage Hamon Dred has fallen to the darkness and emerged as a powerful necromancer. Dwelling in the long shunned fortress of Bloodfang Citadel in the barren north, he has summoned the Lich King Raz’Gharag. Together they have raised an army of supernatural creatures. Their undead blight has spread like a plague, consuming all before it. The strong fade and perish. The land itself withers and rots. All that is good and warm in the world is under threat from the seeping chill of their touch. You must rekindle the flame of humanity and burn the corruption from the land, lest all fall forever to the dark.

World size - Large

I facepalmed. “For the love of David Hasslehoff, can I get some better choices? Like investigate the alcohol in the beach resort of Benalmadena?”

“No!”

“Oh, so you can hear that then?”

“Make your choice, human. Or stay in that room and die.”

That sounded ominous. I expected the ceiling to sprout spikes and begin dropping. I didn’t have a Willie Scott to reach through giant insects to save me, though. I was a six-two-and-a-half Short Round, prone to disaster. I just hoped I’d have the same blind luck that the plucky character had when the time came.

“You’re not giving me many options here!”

“You have eight.”

“Very funny! You know what I mean!”

They didn’t respond any further. Common sense dictated the next page was only going to contain harder worlds to overcome so asking the aliens to unlock them was pointless. To have any real chance of survival, I had three options. Only one of those was a realistic choice when I was completely ignorant of the rules of the game. I pressed 1 for the Tutorial Dungeon and the ancient door in front of me creaked open on unoiled hinges.

“Weapons? Armour?”

Our new overlords said nothing.

“Shall I beat them with my dick?”

“Only if you want to do zero damage.”

“Oh, you’re funny fuckers, aren’t you?” I gave every angle of the room the finger.

With a cringe inducing groan-scrape, streamers of dust fell from the ceiling as it started to drop. I shielded my eyes and saw seams that hadn’t existed a moment ago. I spent a split second wondering how they’d done it before realising they could do absolutely anything they wanted. They’d travelled from another reality for goodness sake. I was in their world now.

Without further pause, I snatched up my imaginary brown fedora and charged into the darkness.