All night long, I stayed in the bathroom.

Honda had fallen asleep right next to me, and I made sure to carry her out to where my bed used to be and placed one of my blankets over her. She curled up into a small ball, wrapping it tighter around her. I reached for my backpack, and after closing the door to the bathroom, began going through one cigarette after another. On the way back from Janice’s home I had managed to pick up several packs from a nearby store.

I stuck another one in my mouth and reached for my lighter. It took a couple of tries before I fumbled with the flame, sucking the cigarette tightly in between my scabby lips.

A warm, fuzzy sensation washed over me, and while that achy feeling still remained, it wasn’t as bad as it was before. I lit the end, watching smoke curl upwards from my mouth and nose when I exhaled. I had been terrible at it and nearly hacked my lungs out when I was trying it out for the first time with my platoon in Portia. But now it wasn’t so bad. As I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the wall, my thoughts, just like the smoke, began to swirl around in my mind.

This was one of the rare instances that I wished I could hear Honda’s voice so that I knew what her reaction was. What she said. Toku’s words echoed in my ears, and I could not stop pulling and twisting at them to make them go away. Just as I released another cloud of fog in the air, I heard a small thump outside the bathroom. Slowly, I got to my feet and stepped out into the darkness, where a figure was just hoisting themselves from the trap door in the floor. Honda’s soft snores were the only other sound in the room.

The figure did not hear me, and went to the window, leaning against it and resting his arms on the window pane. He stood very still. Outside, the faint sound of gunshots rang in the city, along with muffled cries and screams. I leaned sideways against the bathroom door and broke the silence, inhaling in more of the smoke.

“Couldn’t sleep, huh?”

As the shadowed person turned around at the sound of my voice, the dim light spilled on Toku’s startled face. I wouldn’t mind if he had left, not at all. The orange light of cigarette glowed between my fingers. He quickly straightened up and wiped at one of his eyes, before giving me a sheepish grin.

“Hello.”

“Hi,” I said softly.

”My...my name’s Toku. I don’t know if I had introduced myself to you already, but I—“

“You did.”

“Ah,” Toku replied. He faced away from the window, glancing at the storage room, then back at me. “Just enjoying the view. It’s a beautiful night, really.”

I couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not.

“Do you actually own all of this? This is a big place for one person. You must be wealthy, you know?”

“No,” I said. “Not really. I mean, it’s kind of small, for me, at least. Although the walls are paper thin, and you can hear what people are doing all the time from the first floor and the janitor’s room. I had no idea about the storage room until I found it randomly.”

Toku walked over and knelt by the torn carpet. “You mean to tell me you just found this one day in your room? Who put it here? Did you pay extra for it?”

“It’s an old building,” I said with a chuckle, before clearing my throat. “Really, I didn’t expect to even have this room.”

He looked up, an amused look on his face. "Interesting. How old are you?”

“Eighteen. What about you?” I replied, tugging at my sweatshirt strings. Maybe this guy wasn’t so bad after all, but I knew I had to still give him time. A lot of it.

“I just turned nineteen a few weeks ago. Kia and I were born three days apart.” He then sighed and rested both of his pale hands on his knees. “We’re childhood friends. She didn’t do so well at the camp, and they planned to shoot her because she couldn’t work. That’s when a riot broke out and we managed to run.”

“Oh.” A pang of guilt rushed through me. “I’m sorry to hear that. I hope the baby’s safe, despite it all.”

Toku then looked at me for a moment. “Why do you do this? For us? I know that not every civilian is heartless, but...” He gestured towards Honda, who was sleeping peacefully. “No one would even dare to dream to take all four of us in their home. And give them their clothes and food. Why...why aren’t you....”

“I have a job,” I interrupted, walking over to the kitchen area and sitting down at the worn table, where Honda had left her food stash at. “If we just ration carefully, I can take care of all of you. Don’t worry. I can afford water on my own. I don’t want to, I mean, I don’t need to sell anybody. A lot of civilians in my shoes would agree.”

“B-but...I don’t understand,” Toku stammered. “You’re supposed to hate us. Not that I want you to.” He glanced around at my apartment for a moment. “You have all this room to yourself. Living here by yourself must be amazing. You get to buy good food too, and have fresh water. I wish I had all this stuff. It must bring you some sort of joy, and once we leave, you won’t have to worry about us making a mess and hogging your space.”

I wondered how delusional he could be; that I was actually dreading that day. The snoring from my guests brought me comfort that someone was here with me, rather than the ugly, empty darkness that was my usual company. For a moment, there was a deep silence that sat between us. I slowly drummed my fingers against the surface of the table. Toku gave me a strange look, and scratched his head in confusion.

“No,” I whispered. “It’s very lonely, actually.”

Before he could say anything, I reached into my fridge and tossed him a cold water bottle. He caught it with one hand, appearing to be completely stunned. I avoided his gaze and put out my cigarette, throwing it in the trash before standing to my feet and stretching.

“Give this to Kia, okay? I’m going to get some rest, and I think that you should, too. We have a lot to plan for in the morning, if you want to get to Selva. With all the others.”

Toku sighed. “You must’ve overheard me. Honda doesn’t want to go. She plans to stay here to look for her family. I think she has a better chance of coming with us, because up here it’s a nightmare. We just need to find a map—“

I shrugged, even though I wanted to beg all of them to stay. “Whatever you wish to do. Go on.”

“And I would like you to come with us.”

This shocked me so much I spun around.

He grinned and clamped a hand so hard over my shoulder it made it sore. “I was kind of suspicious of you from the beginning, but I think you’re genuine. You can act like you are planning to sell us. Nobody would suspect a thing! It would be the perfect coverup, since you don’t have one of these on your face.” With a crooked thumb, he pointed at the jagged scar on his cheek. “In return, we can take care of you in the woods. We can get you food and other supplies.”

“But how are we supposed to drink?” I asked. “If I leave, I leave my job. And that’s the only way I’m able to get fresh water for myself. No job, no money.”

Toku reached underneath the side of the elastic band of his pants and pulled out a knife, flicking it open. The blade gleamed cruelly in the light, and I suddenly thought about Rufus’ face and the screams of his daughter. He held it out proudly in the air, and I flinched.

“We can take out a couple of the civilans using up all the water sources in the woods. Two of the strongest guys in the bunch. You and I. Enough to protect the girls and an old man. I’ve beaten up a guard before and stole it from him. Knocked him out cold. If I were presented with the opportunity once more, I’d do it.”

I slowly backed away, shaking my head. A surprised look appeared on his face, before he frowned and put the switchblade back, shrugging.

“I guess as a civilian, you wouldn’t understand.”

“Whatever,” I mumbled. “I’m sorry for not liking the idea of hurting innocent people who need water just as much as we do. Of course I don’t.”

Toku took a step forward and yanked my wrist. “What about us, huh? You all have it easy. You can get access to water in the woods without being attacked. We lost everything. Thousands of our brothers and sisters are in shitty camps, starved and beaten.” He leaned closer. “Or maybe it’s because we’re not human to you? Civilians like you create problems and blame others for them.”

I shoved him back with both arms. “I never said that. And don’t touch me. You don’t think I know what’s going on? Clearly, I’m not blind. Maybe you’re just ignorant.”

His green eyes narrowed with anger, and he grabbed a fistful of my sweatshirt. With his jaw clenched so tightly, his neck veins began to bulge.

“Our homes were destroyed because of whiny little snobs like you. I was forced to see my three sisters dragged away from me like dogs into a truck. My mother, shot right in front of me. My pa was hanged in the camp for taking a piece of bread from an officer. A piece of bread. You may not believe in violence, Adlai, but I will never turn my back on people who need me. I failed to protect them. I won’t fail again.”

”I never said that you shouldn’t stand up for the people you love. I said I don’t believe in hurting innocent people.”

He glanced at Honda, who somehow was in a real deep sleep. “Civilans are not innocent. You don’t care about her. You think you do, but you don’t. You don’t think she’s human like you. Khonie and civilians aren’t supposed to be friends. Why would she want to be friends with someone as terrible as you? Someone who pretends to care but is just as fake on the inside?”

”N-no...that’s not...”

“Maybe you’re planning to sell her, when she’s least expecting it. You may be comfortable now, but one day, you’ll be tempted to hurt her. And when that day comes, I’ll be ready to protect her, even when you get tired of doing it yourself. Your nature will take over, eventually. Just like what happened to the rest of your people. You’re not any different than them.”

”What?” I asked, feeling weak.

“You don’t care about anyone but yourself, do you? This is just to make you feel better, so you can forget how awful of a human being you truly must be.”

Something inside of me snapped, and I pushed past him and walked towards the front door, closing it shut before he could say another word. My hands were shaking, that was how much I wanted to punch him in the face. The hallway in the basement was dimly lit, and I began to head down towards the stairwell, where I sat down and took a deep breath.

* * * * * *

For the first time in weeks, I took a walk around the quiet apartment. It was only around three in the morning, but I needed to cool off, so I explored each floor, the peeled painted walls reminiscing in the former glory that it used to have. It was so strange to see things abandoned and left alone, and the rotting ceiling added into this strange sensation. Just as I was about to head to the very top floor and was climbing up the stairwell, my hand brushing against the cold metal railing, the creaking sound of a door opening nearly made me jump.

I turned around.

Honda was just stepping in the stairwell, the echoing noise ringing in my ears. Her eyes were bloodshot, but she smiled at me and waved when she made sure to gently shut the door. How had she followed me when I didn’t even hear a thing? My senses were really bad.

“You couldn’t sleep as well, either?” I signed. “Must be a rough night for everyone.”

A pleasant look of surprise came on her face when she saw my awkward, stilted hand movements. I still couldn’t fingerspell properly. Quickly, she responded, signing rapidly. I tried to make out her words the best I could, but could only figure out a few.

“Slow down, slow down,” I said. “I can’t—“

“Better. You get.”

I hid a smile and looked away. Honda came closer and I held out my hand to her as she wrote against my sweaty, clammy palm.

“Listen, to him you don’t. Toku.” Her eyes studied mine as she made a jerking motion backwards over her shoulder. “I come here to see if you feel right.”

“Me? I’m okay. None....none of that is true, what you heard. What he said...about me. I swear. I-I’ve done some things, but don’t think that—”

“Bad. You?”

I didn’t know what to say.

Honda nodded, but I realized that she didn’t fully grasp what I meant. “I do bad too. Kill a girl.” She pursed her lips, and paused for a moment before writing again. “Get bad sleep because of it.”

Yet, even while she spelled out these words, she looked painfully ashamed of herself. Before I could respond, there was a banging noise coming from the front door a few floors below. A loud whistle blew in the air, and heavy boots marched up and down and the hallway. The sound of the angry, booming voices of soldiers that mixed in with the cries of civilians made my mouth run dry.

Soldiers.

* * * * *

There was no time to explain as I grabbed Honda’s wrist and led her down each floor. She stumbled awkwardly to keep up, her large gray eyes scanning the crowds of people in the now busy hallways who stood in their pajamas, wincing as their belongings were strewn all over the place in their rooms.

I had just made it down to the basement when the footsteps grew louder and started reach our floor. The door to my apartment didn’t open until I pushed against it with my whole body weight and flickered on the lights. Some of my guests had climbed out of the storage room, but when they saw my face all conversation ceased. Toku was sitting at my table, his head buried in his hands. His eyes studied me, but I didn’t look at him.

“Is everything alright?” Kia asked. Malcolm folded his arms and began to rock himself slowly back and forth.

Instead of answering, I yanked up the torn carpet and flung open the door. They started to crowd around me as I began to drag the table away from my kitchen. Toku stood up slowly.

“The Red Mamba are here,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm. “Everyone get in and stay quiet. There’s no way for us to run, since they’re coming down in this room. Do not make a sound. Hurry up.”

“R...right now?” Kia stammered.

I opened my mouth to reply, but a loud shout echoed down the hallway. She began to cry, and Honda gently supported her by the waist as they started to descend. As her hand reached for mine, I opened my palm for her, expecting her to write. Instead, she gave it a long, gentle squeeze and followed Kia in the dark room. Toku’s face turned red at the sight, but to my relief said nothing as he and Malcolm finally climbed down.

Just as I was about to lower the latch, there was a loud knock on my door. With both shaky hands, I slammed it shut, threw the carpet on top, and dragged the table on top of the spot. My heart was beating so fast that I couldn’t think as the knocks grew louder. Quickly, I slipped on a bandana, tying it down and pulling my sweatshirt hood over my head.

“Open up!” a loud, gruff voice shouted.

Slowly, I took a deep breath, the imprint of Honda’s warm hand still on my palm. To my relief, the apartment was dead silent as I unlocked the latch and slowly opened the door. There were only two guys standing there, wearing their uniforms. One had bronze skin and black curly hair; the other was short, red faced, and stocky. Their rifles were hanging loosely by their side.

”Good morning, gentlemen,” I said, surprised by how smooth my voice sounded. “Pardon me, but I am a bit of a heavy sleeper. You know how it is.”

One of the soldiers pushed past me without a word and stepped inside. I bit my lip as they both circled my place like hawks, throwing everything out of my mini fridge and going through what little belongings I had. A wave of relief washed over me when I realized I had thrown away the pay checks from when I was in the army. Finally, the chubbier soldier faced me.

“You the only one living here?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yes sir.”

The man smirked. “Private King here needs a place to stay. You, as a civilian, will follow orders and do as you’re told. Otherwise, we will have no choice but to shoot you. Our guys need a place as we search Navu for the Mouse. We believe he is in the city, so this is a very serious thing, as we are doing everything in our power to protect you.”

His words echoed in my ears, and I slowly placed my hands in my pockets. King just looked at me, emotionless, as he lowered his bag and began to unroll his sleeping pallet on the ground, humming a small tune to himself.

“Is that clear?”

I quickly snapped back to reality and nodded. The soldier glared at me as he stepped out and slammed the door, but it swung open because it never closed properly. With my back, I made sure to lean against it so that it would shut all the way. King laid on his back, his eyes looking up at my stained, asbestos riddled ceiling.

”This place is disgusting,” he mumbled. “Of course I get the worst room. As if this week couldn’t get any more annoying. I hope they can find the traitor soon so that I can be reassigned back where I was.”

Slowly, I sat down at the table and folded my arms, resting my head on top. I wanted to freeze him in an ice block so that he would shut up. How the other soldier didn’t ask me to take my bandanna off, I did not know. As King began to doze off, I realized that I couldn’t stay here anymore. How was I supposed to make a run for it now when there were so many of these bastards around? To leave was bad, but to stay was even worse of an option.

Below me, it was completely silent.

I had four Khonie, five to be soon, and one Red Mamba huddled and cramped in the same place. I struggled to make sense of it all. A chill ran down my spine. When would Kia give birth? Her pregnancy looked very advanced, and having the child here would be a dead giveaway.

The war was happening right in my apartment.