One day after I finished training archery I decided to take a different path toward the weaving shed, one that went near the school and I could say hi to Rod on the way. He was probably cleaning up his classroom.

I poked my head in, but he wasn't there. “Rod?” I asked an empty classroom.

The building only had a couple classrooms, but he wasn't in any of them, and two of the teachers that I didn't know that well said they hadn't seen him. I knew he could take care of himself, but I was worried. I did need to get to the weaving shed, but I wanted to make sure he was OK. I decided to walk around the building once and if I didn't see him I would go to my loom without seeing him even if it did worry me.

I walked around to the back and then stopped. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Dark arms wrapped around a pale white person. He was... He was kissing her.

“Rod?” I wasn't sure why I spoke, why I didn't just run, but I think I was in shock.

He sprung away from her. “Umm, Liv, wasn't expecting to see you here...”

“No? What were you expecting, that I would never find out that you were also with Liz?” I had never expected this of him. I would never have guessed... he was as honor focused as I was... or I had thought he was.

I turned and started to stumble away, tears in my eyes. He was there, holding onto me. Trying to keep me from leaving. “Let go of me!” I yelled at him.

“No, Liv, it wasn't like that... I love you. I just... After I thought you had died Liz was there comforting me, and...”

“If it was just that then why were you with her now! How could you... I tried to never think badly of you, to never be jealous of your female friends, but you repaid my trust with this... this betrayal!”

“Liv, please listen to me. Liz is just teaching me so that I can make you happier.”

“As if! What, has she also taught you how... how to have sex and love another person? Do you love her more than me? Are you too frustrated with my honor bound city morals that shouldn't apply in this new life of ours?” I wasn't sure where the bold words came from, but I think they were coming from the big hole that had just ripped open inside my chest.

“We only slept together once...”

“ONCE! Once Rod? You shouldn't... I thought...” I found the strength to rip myself free of his hold and I ran. I wasn't sure where I was going till I ran out the gates and collapsed into a sobbing heap in the woods.

The worst part was that other than a couple small twinges of worry I had never actually really guessed what was between him and that despicable woman that shared my first name.

I was so blind, so dumb. Had everyone else known? Had they all thought I was some loose woman who was willing to share my man with another woman?

“Liv?” I recognized Kevin's voice but I said nothing. I didn’t feel like I could trust my voice. I heard him sit down next to me, but I didn’t look up from where I had my face buried in my knees. Why had I trusted Rod? I had thought… His sister had even told me that he had loved me all those years watching me from the wall, which was slightly creepy, but I had thought it meant that he truly loved me.

Kevin’s arms wrapped around me and he pulled me close. “Rod?”

I nodded miserably. I couldn't bring myself to say more. It was my fault. If I hadn't been afraid to go farther he wouldn't have found comfort in another's arms. I must have done something wrong.

“He's a loser Elizabeth, and you are too good for him. He’s a no good, two faced, idiot that should have never let you go.” Kevin was saying that, but he didn’t love me. I had come to accept that, but maybe it was something about me. Maybe all men only saw me with sisterly love and didn’t see me as anything more.

“Kevin, what’s wrong with me? Am I that prickly and terrible?” I wasn’t sure why I was asking, or quite what I was asking but the words slipped out of my mouth muffled by the knees I was speaking into.

I coughed again. By now I was used to these persistent coughs.

“Elizabeth, you are one of the best women I know. You have more honor than any of the women in the city. No statuses created by the city could ever determine your honor. Even here you haven’t caved to any of the cultural excesses, but you live in your own world. You shut everyone else out of that world. Except Rod. You let him in, and he was a fool to turn on you. His leaving you isn’t your fault. You didn’t mess up this time. He did.”

So it was my fault. I must have unconsciously blocked Rod out. He must have sought Liz because I pushed him away.

Kevin held me for a second more and then pulled away. “I… I have to get going Liv. I need to get to the blacksmith shop for my work. You’ll be okay, right? You’re tough. You’ve been dishonored and nothing can be that bad. After the hell you’ve lived through you can survive anything.”

I wished he would just shut up and leave. I didn’t need his pep talks. I just wanted to be alone.

“Liv, If you umm, need anything, come find me, okay? I’ll either be at the shop or with Sandy, okay? Nod your head if you agree.” He was trying so hard to be my big brother. He was the same age as me. Yeah, he was like a brother, but right now I didn’t want his brotherly tough love, and weren’t brothers supposed to be protective and offering to kill the guy that broke my heart? Instead he was just sitting there offering, ‘if I need anything…’. Yeah, I needed something, peace and quiet and alone time.

“Kevin, go on, I’ve got this.”

Another cough tore out of my lungs.

I felt a presence next to me. He didn’t try and touch me, for which I was thankful, but at the same time there was a small part of me that just wanted someone to hold me, but no. I didn’t want anyone to touch me.

I looked out of the corner of my eye, and realized it was Dan. Oh God. Why was Dan here? I just wanted to be alone. And I especially didn’t want Dan, my fighting instructor, to see me in this state.

“Ye know it always hurts. When Sandy left me… I thought she loved me. Thought she would be mine forever, n’ I thought we was meant to be together. But then ye brother came along, n’ it was like I’d never existed. Sometimes… Sometimes thing, are just not to be ya know. But it hurts doesn’t it? Somewhere inside?”

I nodded my head. Maybe it was the crying, but I did feel like something had ripped open in my gut.

“Ya know, he didn’ deserve ya. Ya deserved someone who cared ‘bout ya n’ no one else. He was always off with her…”

I felt a wave of anger overwhelm me and sweep me under. I raised my head up, “You knew! You knew he was with that… that bitch, and you didn’t tell me? I was with you for training every morning and you couldn’t have the decency to tell me that he was with someone else!

Dan shook his head sadly and quietly, “Everyone thought you knew... I knew ya too well though. I knew ya didn' know. I tried a couple times, but then I just couldn'... I didn' want ya ta hate me. I couldn' bring myself ta tell ya.”

“So instead you let me look like a fool?” I tried to push him away from me, but he took the push, and then rocked back to sitting next to me.

“Ye no fool Elizabeth. Ye many things, but a fool ya aren't. He's da fool for not bein' faithful. Ye too good for this world. Too trustin' and good, but ye are da best woman I have ever met. Ya would never toss a man ta the side like me Sandy did when she met ya brother.”

“How do you know that? Sandy is a nice woman and you still get along with her even though she left you. How do you know I would be any different?” I wanted him to say that I was evil, that it was my fault, but at the same time I liked him defending me to me.

“Because Liv, ya've those strange thoughts ya carry with ya from that place ya came from. The two men in ye company aren't as bound to 'em, but ya.. Ya've not let them go. Ya go around with ye head held high but ye eyes down cast, but when ya look up ya've go this fire in ye gaze. This conviction in ye beliefs that no one could shake. I dona know what's different 'bout ya... but ya different.”

“I... I was dishonored, a slave before I came here. I chose exile so I could get my honor back... Even though I wasn't in the city... I didn't want to do anything to hurt that precious honor...” I stopped. I had nothing holding me here now. I had to go back and earn back my honor. I wanted to be a most honorable again, but this time I wanted to use my honor to change the city. I would start with exposing the corrupted spies.

“Dan, I have to go back I have to go back to show them there is a world beyond their Wall. And to fix the city. I left all those people trapped in its corrupt walls. I have nothing holding me here.

Dan looked lost, but he shook his head, “Nothing? What 'bout Jade? And I would hate ta see ya go. And ye brother Kevin? They all care 'bout ya. And why do ya care 'bout this city? I donna understand ya fascination with this city of ye’s and ye whole honor thing. Isn’ this place good enough for ya?” He looked as if… as if he was pleading with me to stay, to say his village was good enough for me, and that I would never leave, but I couldn’t. I had to go back to the city with its purple dome, high walls, and its people that needed me. I had to free the dishonored.

“I do, but I have to go back. I have to free the other dishonored from prison...” I stopped. I knew he wouldn’t understand. He probably didn’t even care. My world was foreign to him, and almost everyone here except for Kevin and… and Rod that… Oh God. God, why? Why did he seem to love me so much? Why did I fall for him when I’d carefully not let myself show feelings for any guys before?

“I have no clue what ya are talkin' 'bout, but maybe ya can teach me.” I looked over at Dan shocked. He had this thoughtful look on his face, and he was staring at me. As if… I don’t know, was he analyzing me? Maybe he was trying to gauge my reaction? He continued, “Maybe ya can teach me 'bout this city of ye's, and ya can teach me ta talk like one of ye city folks, and I will go back with ya as ye proof that an outside world exists, and I'll help ye free these people of ye's.” I looked up at his determined face. He didn't look like he was just here comforting me anymore.

He couldn’t. I couldn’t put anyone through that. The radiation, and why would he want to give up his strange way of speaking? Why would he want to use words like I did? “Why?” It was all I could manage to ask.

He shrugged, “Ye made me curious ye know, with all ye talk ‘bout ye city. I wanna learn more. N’ maybe, one day see ye strange city with ye.”

“Would you? Would you face the radiation with me? Would you cross the radiation to come to a city so different from your own that it would shock you?” suddenly I felt my situation might not be so hopeless... maybe I wouldn't be so alone.

“Yes. Ya... or how do ya say it... you?” He was already trying to correct his speech. I smiled slightly.

“Yes, it is pronounced you.”

“Well you can teach me, and when Jade is old enough ta be on her own, you and I can go ta this city of ye's.”

I found my smile getting bigger, it would be a long time before Jade was old enough, but it would satisfy all of the commitments I had made. Yes. I would teach him till Jade was old enough to not need me, and then I would go with him to the city.

I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him. “Thank you Dan. Thank you.” And in that moment, I felt better. The world wasn’t perfect, and I was still hurting from Rod’s betrayal, but I felt better, and I knew I could continue.

Another cough tore out of my lungs.