“Hmm... Yes...” Munching, lots of that. It wasn't meat as he insisted, but it was by no means poor fare – some kind of root vegetable boiled in salted water and covered in butter. Something to only be grown under the light of the sun, from the kingdom of the chief, starchy and filling. “What is the name of this amazing food of yours?”

“They're uh... Uh...” Unfortunately all of the humans had collapsed, foaming at the mouth and twitching. Still alive, which was good, but not very good conversationalists. Some good fortune came when one of them awoke, more talkative than the rest. “Er... Salt potatoes.”

“That is quite a literal name. I like this name, but I think you could be doing a more creative, humans are very creative – I am thinking. Great creators, like ours who carve and paint. Like the red chief.”

“I...” The human male cleared his throat, a scrawny graying old thing with knobby limbs. He had, however, swung his rake harder than to be expected. “I just work here...”

“Ah, yes. This is an appropriate time to discuss remuneration. Yes?”

“I don't know what that means. I'm just a farmer.”

“It means to give one good turn for another, as the red chief once said.” Luk replied, munching in potatoes alongside his squad and finding them more than pleasant. This development of 'butter' was simply divine, what a miracle that the chieftain found them to pull them into an endless series of such magnificent experiences!

“Well, thank you for not eating me...” This 'farmer', whatever that meant, bared his teeth at the kobold. Guk responded as one might expect, but the others were less threatened. He was so small and frail, and in any case – he was different than the others. Some would come with a stick for stabbing, but humans? Many would run, some collapsed, Luk saw no need for harming the kin of the red chief. Foolish, yes, but not deserving of a death. In any event...

“Human meat...” Yuk spat. “So sticky, too wet, I do not like it. It is disgusting, full of impurity and so much sugar, sugar is bad, you know? Eat less of it, maybe you will taste good.”

“Or more.” Luk commented, considering the reality of their situation. “Perhaps if they are eating this less sugar they would be tasting good to others?”

“Not enough meat.” Guk added. “Long jaw, see?” He peeled his lips back, opening and slamming his jaw shit with a loud clack to accentuate the point, with the 'farmer' man flinching at each one. “Good enough for stripping, but so much work. Human man... Ah... Too many bones, not enough meat – don't worry. Not predator for humans, we are your friends.”

“My friends...” The farmed gulped. “What are you?”

“Kobold, of course. Big kobold now, but same tribe.” Luk... Smiled? To a human it would've appeared like a snarl, but the human was so lost in his wonderment as to remain unaffected as the others had been. Frankly, it was a little ridiculous. Luk understood that their attempt to break the worms to their bidding was a little foolish, but bringing a whole posse down to throw torches at them just because they'd accidentally destroyed an agricultural establishment? A bit of an overreaction, if he was being honest. “Are you a friend of the chief? You are of his land and kingdom above the deep, yes?”

“I don't know who that is.”

“He is the one called Tear, for the crying. He is of the white hair and flame, carries the sun in his hands, yes?”

“...Please don't eat me, I have a family.”

Guk spat again. “Human are always so fearing. What has a kobold been doing for you? Nothing, that's what, we are not doing a thing. Only living, like you, and paying for your farming place so says the leader.”

“Relax.” Luk waved him down. Humans were indeed violent, the first group they'd met since the coming of the red chief had almost immediately attempted to murder them. Even when they had emerged to propose remuneration in the human custom, they'd begun to screech and run away. Luk had only managed to find these few because they'd run slower than the rest. Their elders, which was good! Elders made the decisions, perhaps they ran slower because they wanted to be caught? An odd game, but he enjoyed a fair diversion. “Here, you are talking. I am very busy, okay? Very busy kobold, and I am not thinking needs to be a long conversation, okay? I am taking the salt potato, and maybe we take the radish – I like this radish. Friends like the radish and maybe we exchange for other things, okay? I am not doing more talking, we leave now and if you are having an argument, great chief is the one you wish to find. The one called Tear for the crying.”

Luk only had so much patience for inkobold races. Humans weren't so bad, but the stunted ones were the worst, shouting and hitting them with blunt objects – chasing them away. Then the bone things, more tuskers, scaled worms so angry violent. Gnashing teeth and claws. Big spider, that one was not for talking but did not chase from the nesting area. All so violent, kobold just explore, saying hello and be attacked? Truly a wild world, so they kill and destroy for the chief, a threat is not allowed to live, this is the way. All kobold know this from birth. Ah, not all! The frog and fish men are kind, share a bounty and entreaty with the kobold, good friends. And the goblin, of course kobold know of the goblin, good people – they bring a thing called 'the dizzy juice' – this is good. Makes some kobold die, but... Well... It is fun, so we are doing it! The red chief is drinking this juice many times and showing it to the kobold, it is his way so it is the way.

“What are we doing now?” Tuk yawned, the humans were thrown out of their hole and the rest filled in with dirt. Maybe a problem for the surface, but they were the one stabbing and bonking. Not kobolds fault, just an accident.

“I am think I am eating the potato more. Yes?” Guk propositioned, and nobody seemed to disagree. They were truly a divine gift of the red chief. How else could these stupid humans concoct such a delicacy if not for his incredible genius? Inventor of potatoes, and kobold would follow his path of great creations.

“I am eat the potato.” Luk grinned, scarfing down another bowl of the things. “And then we are killing the bone things more.”

“So many down there, it is fun to smash them.” Tuk said, and everyone agreed. Remembering when they'd been a weak and cowardly race, never knowing the pleasures of meat or conquering an enemy.

“What is this?” Puk asked, pulling over a wooden contraption with stilted legs and a flat platform atop them. Eyeing it warily as if it were a weapon of some kind.

“This is what the humans are calling a table, I think.”

“It is a chair, obviously.”

“It is a table.”

“Yes? You are thinking this, but Tuk is much smarter. It is a chair for sitting, see for yourself.”

“I am not enjoying this sitting, there is no room for my tail.”

“It is troubling, I agree. How do they stay balanced without one, do you know?” They looked towards Luk, but all he could do was shrug noncommittally.

–

Benjamin frowned down at the now closed aperture into the earth, surrounded by his unconscious farmhands. Of all the experiences in his life, that would've certainly been the wildest. Something the baron would never believe, so reason to report it because of that. Man-sized lizards of great strength emerging from the earth to eat their food and drink their alcohol. Everyone know that kobolds were halfing sized dog men, not lizards... In any event, they'd left all the humans around intact and hadn't caused any injury, so he was unable to come to grips with all that had happened.

And who is the hell was this 'red chief'? Perhaps that was worth reporting.