~ 10 ~

Self-Doubt(s)

I roused from sleep again. Jumbled blurs and muffed voices squeaked at the back of my head. I had dreamt of home, of Earth, of my family and friends, what little I had of each before I left, the odd continuing of what life would be like without me there.

It's strange to think that life goes on once you're gone. Nothing about the world slows; nothing about it changes. Some people, the few that care, they might slow; they might change because you're not there. It's... odd.

I had someone important to me die. It was an online friend, someone who was like a sister to me, much older and wiser in her age, but understanding the absurdity of internet life. I wasn't the most asocial of people. I could play whatever society wanted me to. But I liked to be alone.

To live not in the real world—but in the world that I made for myself.

My family and friends could never follow me to the strange places that I went. I couldn't even explain to them how weird a person their son and friend could become. I was into some strange stuff that I could easily explain, but if you aren't already a little twisted by the internet—then none of it would make sense.

But my friend, the woman who became my sister, followed me to that strange, dark place, comforting me like my real sister once had. She was there to support me in a world where, for so long, I had been on my own. I could go to her for everything—the stuff I normally had to keep to myself.

And then one day, without warning or hesitation, a heart attack came and took her away.

She had been in my dream. Somehow alive in the world after her death. That she had continued on being a sister to others. In this universe, I was the one taken away, and she was the one to live. When she died, I was destroyed and changed.

I wished, and didn't wish, the same pain on her.

When you're gone, you're gone, and what happens after that, really, doesn't affect you at all. But a part of me wanted to know some element of me still existed in the world before this one. I wished to see my online sister in pain... but I also wanted to see her not in pain at all.

My dream had asked me that question.

Would you rather see someone destroyed and in pain, fundamentally changed, for better or worse, because you are no more? Or would you rather they cared not so much about your death, so that they can keep living the life that caused you to love them?

I wrestled with that question as I had not the answer. I opened my eyes, and life flooded through me, the fresh scent of rain rising from the wet grass. The forest surrounding me, an opening in the canopy above—shaped by my crashing form.

That's right. I'm still in this world. Not knowing how... unsure if there's a why.

I raised my head from the hole of dirt, looking down at my chest, which ached in pain and was absent in princesses. Where had she’d gone? I looked to the sides to see her missing, my claws laid on the ground, empty of anything of note.

Did she leave? Just like that?

It wasn't hard to doubt. She'd gotten everything she had needed, and her next goal was to leave, to abandon everything on this island that had caused her to feel so terrible. My face hardened into sadness. Was I already mourning her? She was but a stranger to me. Someone that I helped for the sake of helping.

I held no further expectations than that.

Beyond making a friend.

My mind spoke against me with the truth. It was the truth. Did I desire her as a friend, or would have I taken anyone as a companion? There was something special about her, sure. But being with her had caused me to feel something. That I was constantly doing something. Fulfilment came, somewhat, with actions of importance.

But now, her quest is complete.

That's true. I'd done my part, and now, I could return to my cave. Granted, I would have to fly around, avoiding that other dragon to find a new one. But he shouldn't be a bother. He came here to rest for a couple of decades or so before going back to the mainland.

His ass looked like it had been kicked from there all the way to here.

Humans. Dragons. Whatever the fuck there are over there... it doesn't seem like they fuck around.

I chuckled. That's where the princess intended on going anyway. How was I going to follow her there? Be the big friendly dragon that curls outside her inn like an oversized dog? Even if allowed, that wouldn't work for so many reasons. Besides, the humans were even better prepared with their weapons and magic over there.

The moment anyone spotted me, it was unknown what armies they would unleash.

Perhaps if I kept my distance? (Still talking to yourself, jackass.)

Then I would have to deal with the other jackass dragons and beasts and whatever other mystical and mythical bullshit this world has to offer. Either I'm picked off by the ground forces, or lifted like a mouse from air support. That other dragon got whooped badly enough by both enough for him to fuck off here.

How am I to believe that I'll stand a chance there?

What if you trained really really hard, and believed in yourself even harder, and unlocked some great power and strength and endurance and magic and sex appeal to—(who invited this third voice?)

It doesn't work that way. You just don't power up in this world. I don't know how to fight. That princess barely did either. Those dragons out there... they've been dragons their whole lives. They've spent most of that fighting. What do I have over them? How can I become strong enough to live there when I can't even fight the weakest, already defeated member they sent over here?

Oh! Oh! (Came the fourth voice of insanity.) Have you tried fighting him now with your flared curiosity? You could smack him good. Smack him REAL good! Smack! Smack!

Smack a dragon while he's asleep? Yeah, that'll prove I have what it takes to make it in an active fight. And... where the fuck are all these voices coming from anyway? Am I already losing my head again? You guys don't show up until—

Until you're alone. (Groaned the first.)

(The second cheered.) Until you're alone!

Alone.

Alone.

Alone.

(Chanted the crowd.)

"Oh, fuck." I gripped and squeezed my forehead, pressing harder into the bone. "I don't have it in me to lose it again. I need a distraction. Something to—"

My snout picked something through the rain. An odour not of my own. It trailed forward, the woods, through the tight bunching of trees, revealing a pond in the distance, set with the trickling of a waterfall. Dropping my claw from my face, I rolled my head to the side, seeing footprints in the matted grass.

And a figure stood before the water.

I almost didn't want to let myself have hope as I flipped onto my stomach. I rose above the trees, seeing over the woods. I stepped forward, as much as the opening would allow, until another step would knock through the gathering of trees.

You've already done enough damage to the forest—unless you want to douse it in fire. (What voice is this one? Did I always have you guys in my head? Or... ah, h-how hard did I hit my head?) Douse it in fire! Douse it in fire! Fly to the highest mountain and watch how it burns! How much the land changes from a singular action! See the animals flee, and the humans arrive! Feel like—

Enough!

(Quiet. All of you. Hush. Did that Hero cast madness on me? Or the cultists' insanity when I absorbed their spell?)

Stop with the questions. Find yourself another distraction. Immerse yourself in life—or be lost inside of yourself.

Thanks for the warning, fucking Mister Cryptic.

Last time I try to help you. Go fuck yourself.

What the fuck? I shook my head, though that only rattled my brain more. Static buzzed with flickers to the past. I closed my eyes, inhaling through my snout. The voice was right. Focusing too much on myself seemed to pull me to a dark place. I have to be involved and immersed in something outside of myself.

For nothing good awaited me within.

With that in mind, I leaned over the tops of the trees to the little clearing over the pond, where the figure continued to wash. Princess or not, I hoped it was someone, friend or foe, stranger with a bias, for it would be better than the voices inside my head.

Without wasting another second, I poked my head through, and immediately heard a scream.