A short story in honour of the patron deity of RR, the legendary Blue Box.

Blue Box

Once upon a time, there was a blue box.

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All in its village admired it, for it was blue and box-shaped. Its noble gait had no rival. But it was merely a commoner, because the King was a black box known as K'an Gsta II:

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One day, the King was riding in procession across his nation, when the blue box walked up to him and gave its standard greeting message:

Welcome to the Kingdom of Gesta! The world is under siege by dragonkind, and the King's incompetence causes famine to cross the land while he tries impotently to fight the dragons.

You have been summoned here to save humanity from the dragons, and you are destined for greatness! Please open the [Golden Finger] item in your inventory, and your adventure will begin.

WTF? I'm the King, I know what my Kingdom is called! I've lived here my whole life! And what did you just say about me, peasant?

Don't dilly-dally! The world needs its chosen one to save it! The soldiers and their idiot King cannot do anything.

The King thought the blue box a rebellious upstart, and did not realise that the blue box had just been saying 'hello' in its typical way.

Guards, arrest this man and have him executed for treason!

The King's guard began to slowly dismount, ashamed to kill such a noble figure as this blue box. One drew his sword.

Just then, the blue box turned to the King, and displayed the following message:

Name: Black Box. Role: King. STR: 70 INT: 10 CHA: 30 HP: 0

On seeing this simple stat table, the King suddenly dropped dead. His HP was 0, and therefore he was no longer for this world.

On seeing this, the King's guards were alarmed at the blue box's power, and they retreated hastily. Only the King's scheming vizier, the Jukebox, remained.

Ah yes, the villain of the story, the cunning Jukebox. Congratulations, you have activated [Villain System]!

Kill protagonists to gain points. You can spend these points on the [Villain Shop], or to spin a wheel of fortune and get a chance to obtain magnificent supervillain powers! The more important the protagonist is, the greater your reward.

For every 200 villain points obtained, your base stats will increase slightly!

"What's a protagonist? These points sound valuable," said the Jukebox in a rat-like, slimy tone.

The protagonist is a hero of the story, because this is a story about good fighting evil. And by 'good,' I mean dumb teenagers with a harem.

"And where can one be found?"

They are all peasants and farmers. You can recognise them because the word 'Protagonist appears in glowing, large text above their heads.

"Excellent. But I personally believe that peasants should be liberated, and live in anarcho-syndicalist communes free of monarchist rule," schemed the dastardly vizier.

...You're a shitty villain, Kropotkin.

"But I was also plotting to take power by deposing the monarch, and beginning a tyranny of my own! This would inaugurate a Dark Age of oppression, nepotism, mass death and famine."

How would that advance anarcho-syndicalism?

"Um, I'm not sure... Lenin and Stalin suggested it to me during a chat yesterday. But to be honest, I'm not really into the reign of terror thing. Is there any chance that I could get recused from villain duty? After all, the King is dead anyway, I didn't even have to do that."

Sure.

Congratulations! You have gained the trait [Worthless Villain].

Your INT has increased by -800!

Your CHA has increased by -600!

Your HP has increased by -1000!

Congratulations! You have gained the trait [Imbecile].

Your HP has increased by -2000!

"But I don't even have 3000 HP," hissed the snake-like vizier like a rat.

Exactly.

The vizier fell immediately to the ground, dead.

The blue box stared pridefully at its day's work. However, it was interrupted when a peasant walked past it, returning from the fields after a long day's work. The blue box saw that this peasant was young, and had the word 'Protagonist' glowing above his head. Checking the character's stats, the blue box saw that he was named 'Luke.'

"Hey, mate," began Luke, "You been changin' the story's timeline too much! Stop that, or everyone'll get confused."

I will change the timeline whenever I want. Who are you to stop me?

"Well, no need to be so rude about it an' all. Tell you what, why did you kill that vizier chap over there?"

He was the chosen one, he wasn't supposed to liberate the masses and bring about an anarcho-communist utopia! I did what I had to.

"But an old man told me that he was my father, and you killed him!"

No, I - Wait, nevermind, you're right: he was your father. That vizier really did get around, didn't he? Can never trust them, viziers.

"Maybe I can avenge him someday! How good are my stats?"

Name: Luke. Role: Skywalker. STR: 40. INT: 10. CHA: 20. HP: 80. Protagonist type: High importance.

"What the hell kind of a role is a Skywalker? What's that s'pose to mean?"

Good question! I have no idea. Let's find out!

You have been teleported by the system! Your location has been changed to: [The Sky].

The blue box looked up and squinted, and saw Luke high in the sky. As Luke began to plummet quickly to the ground, the blue box offered the following helpful advice:

Use the Force, Luke.

However, in spite of this, Luke died as he crashed down from the clouds, and his body fell into a bloody mess as it collapsed onto the ground.

The blue box began to construct a shrine for himself. However, a Prince approached him then.

"You killed my father! Prepare to die!" shouted the Prince.

That's a dead meme.

"You'll be a dead meme, once I have my revenge! What are your stats, that you dare mock a crown prince?"

Name: Blue Box. Role: ! STR: ∞ INT: ∞ CHA: ∞ HP: ∞

The Prince stared in shock at the Lovecraftian monstrosity of the blue box, and then ran away.

The blue box shrugged, and continued building his shrine.