“Hey Ashley… can you come in here for a moment?”

“Sure.” She steps into my room.

“And… close the door?”

“Uh-oh.” She closes it.

“So, I got to drop Collin off at his new boyfriend’s place.”

“Okay.”

“And, well… remember that apartment complex which you guys said had a palace in it…?”

Ashley sighs. “Yeah.”

“Well, that’s where he lives.”

“Of course it is.”

There’s a pause. I zip up the last pouch on my overnight bag and haul it onto the bed.

“I haven’t put any thought into what we’re going to do next,” Ashley admits. “I’m feeling demoralized about it at the moment.”

“That’s understandable.”

“Zoe, just put it out of your mind and enjoy the sleepover, please. Have a good time. We’ll all talk about that later. Let’s just finish out the semester.”

“Okay, Ashley.” I get up and give her a big hug. “Ashley, are you okay?”

“Have I ever been okay, really?”

“Ashley…”

“Sorry. I’ll be fine. Just have a good time.”

She breaks the hug, and then helps me carry my things out to the car. On the way there, I really can't help but to worry about her. She hasn’t been normal since getting that strange threat. She barely even seemed happy about getting second in the region.

What finally takes my mind off her is pulling up to Diana’s house. Although I’ve been here before, it never ceases to impress me. Her house is two stories of red brick, with a large front yard. The angles of the roof, carefully planned landscaping and towering size give the house the impression of a fortress. It reminds me of my aunt and uncle’s place outside of town.

Her mother lets me in, and I find that Yonca beat me here. She and Diana are sitting in the living room, which has a window showing their in-ground pool out back. I’d love to go swimming if it weren’t December.

“Hey Zoe!” Yonca greets me. “Diana, who else is coming?”

“Uh, just us for today,” Diana says. “I wanted to stick with the tried and true bunch for this time.”

“Wait, is Terra coming?” I ask.

“Haha, no. I'm kinda mad at her right now... Don't mention this to her, okay?”

“Yeah, good idea,” Yonca says. “She'd probably accuse of us having a big lesbian orgy or something.”

“What's an orgy?” I ask.

Yonca begins explaining, “It's when a lot of people get together and…”

Diana cuts her off. “Please, let's not talk about that.” She nervously looks around, as if worried her parents might have overheard. I decide not to push the point, and instead make a note to ask Ashley about it later.

“So, why are you mad at Terra?” I ask Diana.

“Well... she's been so angry and mean recently. It's really getting on my nerves.”

“Yeah, and she's so paranoid,” Yonca adds. “It's like she thinks everyone is out to get her.”

I frown. I haven’t been talking to Terra as much since the incident, so I hadn’t heard of this. “What's happening to her? She used to be so level headed.”

“I don't know. I wonder if something's happening in her family. Her parents always seemed really strict.”

“Maybe, yeah.” I think of how controlling my parents could be. I always tried to just stay out of anything controversial. But that doesn’t really explain why Terra would be angry all the time, come to think of it.

“Anyway, now that we’re all here, let’s go to my room,” Diana suggests. “My siblings are watching a movie upstairs, so let’s go up quietly so they don’t bother us…”

It had been a while since our last get-together, and it feels really good to be having fun with them again. We talk about all sorts of things. TV shows we’ve watched, stuff happening in band, gossip around school… After a while, the conversation turns to male celebrities that Diana and Yonca find attractive. I mostly spectate this part of the conversation, and instead entertain myself by imagining what kinds of pretty ladies these famous men must attract. Diana eventually gets into sort of a weird mood… she’s giggling and blushing a lot.

Things reach a particularly weird point when Diana turns towards me with a smirk on her face. At this point, she and Yonca are sitting on Diana’s bed, while I’m leaned against some pillows on the floor. She says, “Hey Zoe. I have a slightly weird question for you.”

“What is it?”

“Since you like girls, tell me... how would you ‘rank’ me?”

“Huh?”

“You know, how boys always try to rank girls by how hot they are. Like, ‘oh, she's a 7/10.’”

“Hmm… I've never done that before.”

Yonca shakes her head. “I've always thought that was annoying. I mean, come on, calling us a number is a little demeaning!”

“Okay, fine. What I really mean is... how do I look?”

Having her permission, I look at Diana more closely. It’s already late enough to where we’re in our pajamas, and Diana is wearing this cute purple shirt with stars on it and striped leggings. Her dirty blonde hair, usually tied up during the day, is carelessly draping her shoulders. I follow the shape of her body and find that my heart pumps a little faster.

“I think you're pretty,” I answer.

“Like, really pretty?” she presses hungrily. “Or just kinda pretty?”

“Uh…” I start to get nervous, torn between wanting to compliment her in order to not be rude, while also worrying that if I’m too nice it’ll be weird.

“At least you're pretty enough to get a boyfriend,” Yonca interjects. She’s at the end of Diana’s bed, leaning over and looking at the ground dejectedly. “Nobody ever asks me out…”

“Awh, don't say that about yourself!” Diana says. “Boys like short girls!”

“They don't like scrawny girls, though. They want girls like you guys who have big butts and stuff.”

Diana’s eyes suddenly pop wide open at this. “Are you calling me fat?” she asks.

“No, you're not fat, Diana,” I assure her. “You're a healthy young lady! She's right, I think boys like girls with big butts.” I vaguely recall a conversation between Anja and Nova, where Nova was playing a video game and both of them were enthusiastically saying a girl in the game had a “thick ass.”

“Do you, Zoe?” Diana asks curiously.

“I dunno. I've never really stopped to think about what kind of girls I like. I just know that I like girls like Ashley.”

“That is such a lame copout answer!” Diana suddenly jumps off the bed, looking at me intensely. “Here, tell me if you think my butt is big enough.”

Yonca giggles at her, and swings her legs around to face me. “What's gotten into you, Diana? It's almost like you're trying to flirt with her.”

Diana immediately blushes deep red. “Wh-what? I'm not flirting! Hey, just because Zoe's gay and stuff doesn't mean we can't talk about girl stuff anymore!” she responds, speaking very quickly. She quickly sits down again, cradling herself with her arms defensively.

I giggle a little too. “I'm glad you think that. Most girls always walk fast by me if we're in the bathroom or anything like that. Like they think I'm just always ready to try something.”

Yonca hums sympathetically. “Awh, that's mean. We know that you're not like that, Zoe.”

I feel a glow of happiness. “Thank you. That means a lot.”

My back is starting to get stiff, so I stand up and take a seat on the bed on Diana’s other side. I grab one of her pillows and press it to my body.

“That does make me wonder,” Yonca says. “Did you know you were a lesbian during PE in middle school? You know, when we had to go change in the locker rooms?”

“No. I guess looking back, being around those other girls always made me really nervous. But I never thought about why.”

It’s Diana’s turn to laugh aloud. “You know what, Zoe? You don't think about stuff a lot, do you?” she says teasingly.

“Hey! I'm not stupid!” I respond, but I’m giggling again.

“It's not your fault, Zoe. You're blonde, you can't help it.”

“You're blonde too!” I playfully chuck my pillow at her, which bounces off her and onto the floor. She immediately grabs one of her own and hits me back right on top of my head. We both fall backwards onto the bed, laughing together. Yonca also lays on her back, joining us. For a while, I just look at Diana’s ceiling, which is decorated with little Christmas lights along the edges. And if you’re wondering, that’s not just because it’s almost Christmas, those are always there.

Diana breaks the silence after a while, saying, “Haha... You know, I guess it's a good thing Terra isn't here. She'd get mad at us for talking about stuff like this. You know, like how... girls aren't supposed to talk about how to attract boys to make them... uh, like you like that. And that makes you a... you-know-what.” By the end of her declaration, her voice sounds sunken and guilty.

“Hey, you actually have a boyfriend,” Yonca points out. “She still doesn't. Tell us, Diana... Have you and Mason ever, you know. Reached second base?”

I've heard a lot about the concept of "bases" before. They're like stages of a relationship. I think hugging is first base, holding hands is second base, and kissing is third.

Diana seems really embarrassed by this question. “Yonca, stop! We shouldn't be talking about this…”

“Okay, so you have then. Interesting,” Yonca says knowingly.

“Hey, that's private!” Diana cries, her voice going shrill.

“Yeah. I suppose it is,” Yonca says.

There’s a strange coldness to Yonca’s voice. I’m not immediately sure why, but the atmosphere in the room feels much different all of a sudden. It feels as if Diana is being put on the spot. And then, I think I realize why. If what a couple does together is private, that would include when Ashley and I kissed under the bleachers. I feel a little anxious. Is bringing up this past drama going to mess up our good time?

Diana finally breaks the awkward silence. “Zoe... I'm really sorry for what I did. Back in September.” Her voice sounds strained. “You know, Mason told me that... I was being creepy. And I realized later that he was right.”

I’m not sure how to respond. I already knew that Diana regretted doing that from when I saw her in that palace, but I guess she had never really apologized in real life before. “Um... thank you, Diana.” I tell her.

“I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't going to send it to anyone. I just... I dunno.”

“You didn't take it to send it?” Yonca questions. “Why would you, then?”

“I don't know!” Her voice is going somewhat shrill again. “But when I was watching it later, Terra saw it, and... I realized how wrong it looked for me to be looking at two girls kissing... so I told her that I wanted to expose Ashley... I was mad at her for some reason, I don't even remember what it was anymore... but that was a lie. And a bad one, since it caused you so much pain... I…” she breaks down and starts sniffling.

I sit up and look down at her. Tears are streaming down her face. She ashamedly covers her face with the pillow she hit me with earlier.

I realize that I had never really heard Diana’s side of the story before. When Anja confronted her about what she did, her explanation really didn’t make any sense. But she probably felt she couldn’t be totally honest with Terra there.

“So this whole time... you did it because you were scared?” I ask.

She wipes her eyes on the pillow and pokes her head over it. “I didn't want anyone to think I was into that, so I distanced myself as much as possible... by the time I realized how horrible this was for you, it was too late... I'm a stupid, bad friend…”

Yonca sits up as her, sighing deeply. “Diana, I understand how you felt... I didn't want anything to do with it. I was a total coward. I'm never going to be a coward like that again. Zoe is more important to me than those bullies.” She looks over at me, her eyes glimmering. I feel a strong surge of emotion… all the lingering hurt I felt seems to melt away. My own eyes are watering now, and I feel a wave of gratitude for my friends.

“You want to know what's crazy?” I say. “I know how you feel too. All of this started because I was worried people would judge me for being friends with Anja. Isn't it so crazy how all of this horrible stuff happened without any of us even wanting it?”

Yonca nods at me, and then turns her head away from us, a darkness overtaking her face. “I guess it all goes back to Terra. You know, I only just now realized how toxic of an influence she is as a friend. She made us all feel bad about knowing someone who just so happened to like other girls.” She looks back down at Diana, addressing her. “Hell, she's making you feel bad about liking guys too! Even though she likes guys! And yet she makes you feel bad for wanting to be pretty for your own boyfriend! She is as bad as the people from where my parents grew up, who want all women to wear hijabs!”

She’s angry now, her eyebrows turning in a way very rare for her. I reach over and put my hand on her back, gently scratching it. She closes her eyes and seems to decompress.

“I don't even think it's just Terra,” I say. “She must have got all of this from her parents, and others at the church.” I put my arms back at my side, and Yonca opens her eyes again, locking with mine. Suddenly, I feel moved and emboldened… I break into a speech.

“No, there’s something I’ve thought about, something that extends far beyond her. You see, living with Ashley’s parents has made me realize some things about my own parents. They were always trying to teach us to be like Christ, and to follow what the Bible says. But then there were these odd moments, when they thought that none of us were listening. They’d put on the news, and they’d start to talk all… callous. They’d talk on the news about immigrants and refugees wanting to come over here, and my parents would scoff. They’d show footage of homeless people in big cities, and they’d shake their heads. They’d talk about… about, about some law being passed in another state protecting gay or lesbian people, and my parents would get angry, saying it was an attack on their values.

“And Ashley’s parents are different when they watch the news. They talk about everything like it’s an economic issue. They won’t scowl when they talk about immigrants and refugees, they’ll just talk about what jobs are available and if they’ll be able to find housing in the current market. When they see homeless people, they talk about unemployment and what opportunities they have, and how they think the welfare state is inefficient. And they don’t say anything when gay rights comes up, other than maybe pointing it out to Ashley or I in a joking way. They’re much less emotional; they talk about everything in this individualistic way, like each of those people is responsible for themselves. At least they don’t disparage all those people; they want the best for them in their own way. Still, I always have this nagging feeling, that these are all puzzle pieces in a bigger picture.

“With Ashley’s parents, the quiet of the living room makes me start thinking and feeling things I never got a chance to before. When I see those immigrants and refugees, I think about people like you, and like Ruth, whose families once went through that process. I wonder what made you want to come here; if living in Turkey or Cuba was hard, or if maybe your families just thought they could make a little more money over here. I hear about these people fleeing warfare and poverty, and my heart just breaks. And I wonder how they’ll make it over here, when we have our own homeless people all around the cities, and nobody seems to be able to help them. Why can’t they all have homes, where they can be happy and safe? It all seems controlled by these statistics and numbers that nobody understands.

“But Jesus never talked about numbers and rates and economies and stuff. He just walked from here to there, healing and feeding people. That’s what we’re supposed to live like. Doesn’t it kill you to watch it all happen from your comfy house? And my parents, they just seemed to hate all of those people who were suffering! Weren’t we taught, ‘what you do to the least of these, you do to Me?’ And all across the country there must be thousands of kids like Ashley and I, who are being bullied, other kids like me who had their parents throw them out because of who they are, and not everyone is lucky enough to have someone take them in, like I was. It’s so scary to think, it could’ve been me. I could’ve been one of those homeless people on the streets of Austin, and my parents would’ve driven past me and just said, ‘oh, what an eyesore, when’s the city council going to kick them all off the pavement?’

“And now, I can look back and see that my parents worship politics over God, they take to heart Fox News more than the Bible, they live more like Pharisees than Jesus. And I’ve decided I’m not going to live that way. I’m never going to let politics stop me from loving my neighbor. I’m never going to let politics make me ugly and hateful, so that I stop valuing each individual life as something precious. I’m not going to live in a world where I’m detached from all the suffering around me. I was fortunate enough to have someone there for me when I was weeping on the street; now it’s my job to repay the same to anyone in need. And if I had stayed with my parents, I don't know if I ever would've realized that. Really, Diana, what you did was the best thing that could've happened to me. It was horrible while it happened, but now I see that God meant it for good. So thank you, Diana. From the bottom of my heart.”

There’s a long pause. I start to feel a little embarrassed when I realize how long I had been talking. And I bet most of the stuff I said didn’t really make sense. Still, I feel good at the same time… like maybe, when Ashley or Anja or anyone else is talking about these political things, I can have something of my own I can give, instead of just staying quiet and letting it pass me by.

Yonca smiles at me. “You have a good heart, Zoe,” she tells me. Then, she laughs suddenly. “Wow, you not only forgave Diana, but turned around what she did into actually being good for you. That’s a whole other level of ‘silver lining.’”

Diana, still laying on the bed, shakes her head. “I don't deserve friends as good as you guys.”

“Awh, don't say that,” I tell her. “We love you, Diana.”

She blushes red again and smiles. She finally sits up, and quickly gives me a hug.

“I don't know what to do about Terra, though,” Diana says. “Despite everything, I still want to be her friend. I just wish I didn’t have to pick between people.”

“I don't think I can be anymore.” Yonca says darkly. “With the way she's talking, it's only a matter of time before she turns on me just for being an immigrant.”

“Maybe you can try and be a good influence on Terra,” I suggest to Diana. “She listens to you more than she does anyone else. We can help her see how hurtful the way she’s acting is.”

“I can try, yeah…” Diana responds. However, she looks doubtful. I suppose I can’t blame her; we still don’t really know what’s going on with her.

All in all, the sleepover was a really good time. Don’t worry about all the confessions and crying and stuff; that happens every time. It just feels good to be able to confide in my friends. And with Yonca and Diana at least, it feels more like we’re back to normal now. Maybe sometime later, I can get everyone together; including Ashley and Anja and Nova, and even Ruth and Kevin if they want to come. That would make me happy…