Chapter 10

“Someone from the outside, looking in.”

‘Love in trouble times’

‘Never wish on a yellow dwarf star’

‘Why are 90 percent of the shows being streamed always about love?’ Neil said while he scrolled through different show titles on his phone as he and Pete walked along the building B corridor. They had just finished a class together and were walking towards the science lab to get to their next class. ‘I dunnow Neil…’ Pete answered in a dull tone, unenthused at the subject.

‘The free version is just chock full of melodramas and mom-flicks, does StreamVee really want to sell subscriptions or not?’

‘I dunnow Neil…’

Neil paused and gave Pete a side glance. He sometimes thought if Pete was only being friends with him because he and Tisha are close friends but for some reason Pete always proved him wrong, although it's moments like this that pulls him back into his doubts about him.

‘Come to think of it, besides being the big burly muscular guy; What else do you do?’

‘What?!’

‘I mean we’ve known each other for three years and I feel like you know more about me than I do about you. I mean you’re only ever lively around Tisha but besides that you don’t even talk much.’ Neil said. ‘And those guys that you play basketball with after class? I don’t even see you hanging out with them or something. Hell, even Pai has even more substance in his character than you are.’

‘Don’t fuckin put me in the same league as that dork Neil, just looking at him is embarrassing.’

‘Oho, but lest you forget, I am also a “Dork” and I’m starting to feel that I’m becoming an embarrassment in your eyes as well Pete.’ Neil says as Pete rolls his eyes and sighs.

‘Goddammit Neil. Sorry if I don’t like your shit okay?’ Pete half heartedly apologized. ‘Look if I’m not interested, then I’m not interested. I’m not the small talk kinda guy, talking is exhausting for me. In fact just to level with you, just to shut you up, for me its “HULK GO SMASH!” and “TARZAN SAVE JANE” any little detail after those actions I'll just leave it for someone else to ponder.’

‘Liiiiikkkkeeee…. Tisha?’

Pete went silent for a few moments before letting Neil see him grinning, which for Neil was a good enough answer to keep him silent, but only for a few moments before he goes back talking about the streaming app once more.

Upon entering the laboratory the pair found an interesting sight in front of them.

There was an all female gathering near the teacher’s table at the front of the class. Usually this would be another gossip circle that most of the girls their age would do, but at the center of it was none other than the Double president herself, Yukino “Keeno” Loran and another girl that Neil was familiar with: Nica Robbie. And there was a fascinating difference here as Neil observed, as all of the girls surrounding them were doting over the pair, as if they were in the presence of Pop Idols or Movie stars.

‘Nica!’ Neil said loudly as Nica turns and smiles towards him. ‘Last time I saw you was--’ He stopped to catch himself before he could say anything. Keeno was also giving him a dirty look which set off alarms in his head.

‘--at that place… right?’

‘Umm… yea?’ Nica replies seemingly unsure about what he was talking about.

‘Excuse me? Neil? We’re having a conversation here… Shoo.’ Keeno sneered while doing the gesture of shooing him away.

‘Hey I’m just--’ An arm suddenly grabs and takes hold of him as Pete drags him away from the group. ‘You’re being annoying again.’ He said.

‘What I’m not allowed to greet acquaintances now?’

‘Read the room Neilsen… you’re being a fuckin creep.’

‘Wow…’

The exchange between the ladies didn’t last long after the encounter as the chemistry teacher had arrived a minute later. The rest of the chemistry class were just spent on learning the basics of the subject and more note taking from the teacher which disappointed the class because they were excited to handle different chemicals and see what kind of experiments they could do. Keeno also inquired about this matter but the teacher wouldn’t give them an answer as she didn’t want their focus swayed by such activities. Soon the class had ended and everyone was starting to pack their bags. It was the last class of the day and since it was a lab class the students were dismissed early so that the lab assistants could check the equipment inside the laboratory. Everybody had already started to form their own cliques as the students were walking along with their groups down the hallway. Neil was with Pete and Julian, who was also in their class and Keeno was with the other girls from the student council offices. The other students had also grouped up and were discussing different options on what to do after school and Pete also got a text message from one of his basketball buddies asking if he could play and yet among all this commotion from the noise and excitement of finally being done with school, Neil’s eyes had spotted something missing.

Nica was gone.

‘Hey have you guys seen Nica?’

‘Oh the Robbie girl? I’m sure she went “that” way.’ Said Pete while pointing at the opposite direction.

‘Oh cool, thanks!’ Neil replies as he starts to run in the direction Pete pointed at.

‘Dumbass! I was just kidding you creep.’ Pete shouted which made Neil irritated that he got fooled. ‘Hey don’t look at me like that, you can go if you wanna check but if you do find her what are you gonna do anyways?’

‘What do you mean? Isn’t it obvious? I’m gonna invite her to go with Keeno tonight, cuz… I mean, I’m going… and…’ Neil starts to sweat beads while he stutters on his answer.

‘Look I just don’t like seeing anyone left out alright?’

‘Whatever happened to “ThEy’rE Big GiRLs NoW, THey cAn suRviVE on thEir OWn?” Pete mockingly said Neil’s line from when they were at Jack and Barry’s.

‘Ugh.. fine… let’s just go…’ Neil responds back, accepting his defeat.

Meanwhile the girl that they were looking for was making her way up the Building C stairwell and up to the top floor where the senior’s classrooms were. She figured she could find an alternate route to Building A by taking the senior corridors so that no one could bother her as the whole class was taking the same route as her destination and she didn’t want to have to explain what she wanted to do that afternoon.

She was afraid she would be called “weird”.

The Robbie family are blessed with the unfortunate tradition of having to move every couple of years or so. Nica’s father is a well known lawyer who is notorious for taking down key people in criminal groups. To him it didn’t matter whether the accused is a powerful politician, in fact he is famous for purposefully hunting down politicians involved in illegal activities for sport. Which made him and his family a prime target and whenever their home would be compromised, the usual response was to move. As a consequence, Nica never had any stable friends ever since she was in kindergarten. Because of this she had developed other ways of comforting herself in her loneliness, one such method she developed was to do what she called “people watching”.

Nica thought that this was a good way to mask her loneliness while also keeping herself from making any meaningful interactions with anyone, since she had already long accepted that everything in her life was temporary.

She had already found her way into the corridors of Building A as she made her way towards the far end of the building where the stairwell had a roof deck access. The rose colored skies of the afternoon greets her eyes as she opens the door at the top of the school. It was not much of a roof deck like the ones you see in a japanese anime but it was big enough for a group of five people to comfortably play tag, besides that, it still adheres to the common visuals of a japanese looking school roof deck.

She looks below as she pressed her face into the fence, trying to get a good look at the different activities of the other students. It is peculiar to see the open grounds full at this time of the week. Usually the basketball / volleyball courts, depending on who was using it, were only full during fridays since most of the high school students would go and play a little game first before heading out to whatever they were going to do that night but it seems that today, a large number of them decided to stay for a couple more a hours in the school. Nica also found some other students wearing a different uniform mingling with her schoolmates. She chuckles to herself thinking that maybe she should interact with them instead, so that she could at least get a head start in socializing with people in her next school.

That thought silenced her for a moment.

Although she wasn’t really speaking, for some reason, everything stopped.

And when “it” resumed, all she could do was smile.

But she wasn’t happy.

She wasn’t happy at all.

Nica looked around to see if there was anything of interest, anything she could analyze but try as she may, the interest wasn’t there anymore. But she kept looking anyways, until her eyes got tired and she found herself just staring at the rose colored sky with nothing but a blank stare.

‘Is there more to this?’ She thought.

And that was all her mind had inside it. She wasn’t trying to think of anything else, but rather, she was waiting for her subconscious to answer. She wanted her subconscious to answer.

She needed her subconscious to answer.

But the only thing she could hear was the sound of her own breathing, mixed with the cool breeze of the afternoon. There was nothing else but emptiness around her, and nothing else but emptiness inside. There was nothing to look forward to, and nothing to look back at, because to her, nothing was of substance, just shallow hellos and the routine goodbyes.

She decides that she has had enough of the sky as she turns around to face the bleak gray of the concrete roof deck. The stains and graffiti on the walls had given her some mild entertainment as she went to read all of the ridiculous and disgusting writing that was defiling the walls ahead of her. And it was a good thing. It got her mind off of things and replaced it with curiosity once more as the graphic profanities and innuendos started to stew in her thoughts.

She starts to wonder what it would be like when the time came. Would it be disgusting as the walls have described it? Would it be pleasant like most of the stories from the other girls in class? How would it feel? She’d never seen one before, but is that how it looks? The drawings on the wall make it look goofy. Some of the girls she heard even put in places she never thought it could go, which disgusted her. But what if the person she would soon love asked her to? What if he asked her to perform things? She couldn’t muster the thought of putting something someplace where her thoughts could be heard, let alone use it in a defilingy lewd manner.

Would she do it?

Can she do it?

If she loves someone, can she do it?

The walls say it needs to be done, and the other girls in class have done it. And as she thought about it she also remembered the stares of the boys towards her body during swimming class. Were they imagining her doing it?

She shivers, she remembered how naked she felt during that class to the point where she didn;t want to get out of the water when it was time to leave the pool.

‘Maybe I’ll just be alone. Yeah… that’s more plausible.’

A thought pops in her head. There it was, an answer from deep inside her. A warm feeling of calmness started to take over as she breathed a sigh of relief. She began questioning why that question was answered but the other one was not, but she just thought that maybe the answers were not here yet. Catching herself before she started falling again in her empty thoughts.

She was starting to get settled when the door swung open and a boy appeared behind it.

His hair was messy and his eyes had an intense impression as if its owner had gone through things that he shouldn’t have. His thick eyebrows made him look like he’s angry, but his lips gave away that he was not, and was just unfortunate they were perpetually placed in the “mad” position. He has a firm stance but his fashion was lousy, his pants were already falling below his waist. He walked across her spot like he owned the space around him and settled himself just across where she stood. He takes out a pack of cigarettes and proceeds to light one up.

‘What are you smiling about?’ He said, his tone, annoyed.

Nica was startled. Like a person being woken up from a deep sleep, her mind wasn’t prepared for a conversation at that moment.

‘Ahh...uhhh… what?’

‘Nevermind…’ The boy said.

Nica wanted to hit herself for acting like a weirdo. It was the very thing that she was trying to avoid and for some reason kept haunting her when she least expected it. Her brain on the other hand was just booting itself up and after a few seconds the boy’s words had finally registered.

‘It must be my bitch face…’ She said, which to the boy, the response seemed like it was out of nowhere.

‘Huh?’

‘My bitch face, as in resting bitch face?’

The boy looked at her with a puzzled expression before chuckling a little.

‘Weirdo.’

Nica darted him with a scorned look on her face. She reached for her bag to pull out her phone as she took a perfectly timed photo of him smoking.

‘What the?’

‘Do you know it’s illegal to smoke within the campus?’

‘Erase that now!’

‘Nope.’

The boy just stared at her with eyes flaming and hands clenched. His stance had changed into a wider battle ready position as if he was ready to pounce on her as she thought of him stealing her phone and throwing it over the fence. She thought of running but she wasn’t sure if she could outrun him. She thought of apologizing but her pride kept her from doing so. It was at this moment where Nica started to regret her actions.

‘Fine… do what you want…’ The boy said as he relaxed his stance, leaning his back to the wall and resumed smoking his cigarette.

Nica stood still for a moment. She couldn’t believe that he withdrew all of a sudden. She was sure that he was going to lunge himself and steal her phone as she still gripped it with all her might. But as the moments tick by, she too had relaxed and she quietly put away her phone into her bag and left.

Once again her thoughts were empty, her consciousness as well, as the next memory she had were when she finally got to the bottom of the stairwell on the ground floor. Immediately after, her body started cringing as all of the memories from the roof deck came flooding back.

‘I’m a weirdo… I’m a weirdo.... I’m a weirdo’

The thoughts replay in her head as she quietly chants the words while walking. The more she remembered the more she walked faster, she didn’t even know that she was already jogging. She reached the front gates of the school in a hurry where she spotted some of her classmates gathering around in conversation. Again she was startled, but this time she was aware enough to quickly change direction to avoid being spotted. There is a spot by the waiting area near the gate that she found secluded enough to hide in. She sits down, puts her bag on her lap and retrieves her smartphone to call her mother. Afterwards it was just another round of waiting in silence, except that this time she had random pop ins in her mind from her weird episode atop the roof deck. It would be another hour before her mother arrived to fetch her. She held a smile and gave her mother a kiss before getting in the backseat.

On the way home she told everything that happened at school that day and how happy she was with the classmates that she met, which by this time was already routine activity. She also told her about the boy on the roof as she asked her mom if her actions were weird but her mother was more concerned on why she was on the roof deck in the first place. It was a good talk, a great bonding moment but then again it was just another day in the car, another round of small talk and another routine day in school before the inevitable transfer where she has to do everything all over again.

Although as she thought about it, there was a break in the routine today. The boy broke it, and although it gave her buckets of regret from the cringiness of it all, it was different. She picks up her phone and remembers that she still had his picture. And now as she stared at it, she thought:

‘I didn’t get his name, did I?’