In the kitchen, Lolly was at the table working on her theme paper for Literature. For this paper, the class was writing about poems written by women poets of the 19th Century. Lolly had chosen, Emily Dickinson. Her words, echoed in Lolly's head, "I wonder if it hurts to live-/ And if They have to try -"* Findling Emily Dickinson had been like finding a friend she never knew she needed. Lolly, really wanted to do well on this paper. Once again she tried in vain to focus. In the background however, she could hear Mitzi tap dancing in the bathroom. Tonight, she dearly missed the days when Mitzi wanted to be a ballerina. Ballet shoes were so much quieter. Pa was watching 60 Minutes on TV with Grandma Toady. She had no idea what Max was doing. What she longed for was silence and order, so the words in her head would fall onto the paper. She picked up her work to go to her room. The phone rang. She answered it, "Hello?”

“You knew didn’t you?” It was Munch.

She asked, “Knew what?”, even though she knew what.

“How long have you known?”

“Known what?” There was no way she was going to say a word until she was sure Mrs. Dutchendorph had indeed told Munch the news.

“Stop bein’ cute, cause you ain’t. You know what I am talking about.”

It occurred to Lolly that Munch probably didn’t want to speak out loud the words engagement, or wedding in connection with his mother. Until he did though, she was going to play dumb. She said, “Be specific.”

There was a groan on the other end of the line. “Don’t make me say it, I can not say it.”

This time, Lolly said nothing.

Munch said, “I bet he told you first thing. That’s why you were so weird Saturday night. Stupid me thought it was just because of Trevor.” There was a brief pause and he continued, “My Mama just told me sort of. She bought me a jacket I've been pining for, made bean burritos for supper and treated me like the royalty I am. After all that she showed me that godaweful ring with the microscopic diamond, or is it a cubic ziconian? The rock my daddy bought her is way bigger." Now he was just being hateful. Munch continued, "Did she SAY a single word. No! Her hand was shaking when she held it out to me. My stomach turned sour. I should have known she was up to something. And she was.”

Angry though she was, Lolly could not help but notice, Munch had said nothing about the wedding. Had Mrs. Dutchendorph gotten up the courage to lay that bomb on her son?

Munch asked, “IT is too DAMN soon, if you ask me, which no one did.”

Still nothing about the wedding.

Struggling to keep her voice even, Lolly asked, “What did you say to your mom?”

“Not a word. I am never speaking to that woman again.”

“Munch, don’t you think that’s a little harsh. Its not like Pa is a mass murderer or anything. She could have done a lot worse.”

“I expected your to take your pa's side. I understand why you would be in the market for a new mama cause yours really sucks. But, my DAD was the best. No one was or ever will be as good as him. Mama is just lonely. She’s just marrying your daddy cause she is lonely.”

It was okay for him to not want their parents to be engaged but it was NOT okay for him to trash her parents. She knew they were far from perfect, and yes Mama was really far from perfect, but still, she would never say such hateful things about Mrs. Dutchendorph, no matter how angry and hurt she was. Furious, Lolly said, “Don’t you dare talk about my mom like that ever. As for Pa he is the best man I know. Your mom is one of the kindest people I have ever known. Your are being a selfish pig.” Lolly slammed down the phone. Well, she thought, that went really well.

Pa came into the kitchen said, “Was that Munch.”

Lolly nodded.

“He did not take it well.”

“Nope.”

Pa shook his head.

Lolly said nothing. She went to her room and slammed the door. Munch had hit a very sore spot inside of her. It was the place she tried to never go. Her mother had not just left Pa, she had left her too. She sat down on her bed and spread out her paper. Again Emily Dickinson's words leapt out at her, "I wonder if it hurts to live -" It did indeed hurt. Munch had never talked to her like that before. He knew her sore spots and she knew his, in all their years of friendship they had respected one another, until tonight. He had said mean things and she had hung up on him. She had never done that to anyone before. Would he forgive her? Would she forgive him?

*

Monday morning, when Munch got on the bus, He told Mrs. Anderson, “I think I am catching a cold, could I sit alone.”

Mrs. Anderson said, “Sure, hope you get to feeling better?”

“Me too.” He walked passed Lolly without looking at her and took a seat two rows behind her.

Munch was being a jackass. Fresh anger boiled up inside of Lolly. This was the closest she had ever come to hating Munch, and it frightened her.

When Trevor got on the bus, he immediately saw that Munch was not sitting with her. His brows creased, but he didn’t say anything. He waved at her and went to his seat. Lolly was not even tempted to watch him. The last thing she needed was to risk eye contact with Munch. When he was mad, he was MAD. He never did anything by half measures.

At school, Munch was the first person off the bus. He dashed passed Lolly. Lolly picked up her books and got off. She headed inside. Just as she reached the door a hand touched her elbow. She turned. It was Trevor. In a low voice, he asked, “So, he knows?”

“He knows about the engagement, but I am not sure he knows about the wedding. Plus, he is really mad at me.”

“Why, you didn’t do anything?”

“He said some stuff I didn’t like. I bit back and hung up on him. We have had words before, we've been mad at each other before, but never like this.” Trevor’s grip tightened on her elbow. All the sudden Lolly felt like she was about to cry.

Trevor said, “Its cold out here, lets go to the library.” He guided her inside. They cut across the cafeteria. Munch was not at their table. Lolly didn't see him anywhere. Had he gone to the Art Room? All at once, She felt eyes upon her. People were staring. Her face went red. She glanced up. Lisa and Viv were staring. Tears were going to come for sure. When she was with Munch, they were two little odd balls against the universe, but Trevor Long was not odd. He was normal. Everything about him was normal. His hair, his clothes, his friends, his family. A huge divide was opening up between them in her mind and then, Trevor slipped his hand down into hers. The tilting universe did not right itself, but it stopped its slide.

He asked, “Are you okay?”

She shook her head. Lolly could feel eyes following them, but she did not cry. Trevor was holding her hand.

*

The day passed. Always Munch was an ongoing part of her day. Even when he had not been speaking to her, he had still been there. Not now, not today. When she passed him in the hall, he acted like she did not exist. On the way home on the bus, he pretended like she was invisible. How long was this going to last?

Munch got off at his stop. As the bus pulled away, Lolly watched him march down his driveway. Mrs. Dutchendorph’s red VW Bug was in the drive. Lolly craned her neck to watch Munch until she couldn’t see him anymore.

When she got off the bus, Kevin was behind her. He said, “Max told me about the engagement. I’m sorry.”

He towered over her. She looked up at him. His eyebrows were blonde, his eyelashes were blonde and his hair was the color of sunlight. “Thanks, Kevin.”

She headed toward the trailer, Kevin walked with her.

He said, “Munch shouldn’t be so mean to you. Its not your fault.”

She turned to face him. "It kind of is. He was mean to me, and I was mean back..”

“If there’s anything I can do?.”

The way he looked at her, sent a chill through her. How many times had she looked like that at someone and been rejected or worse not even noticed. Even one time, was one time too many. He was so sweet. He had his heart all laid out in front of her. “I appreciate that Kevin.” She didn't like him like that. He was still in Junior High!

He turned a slight shade of pink and smiled. They were at the trailer. Kevin said, "Tell Max to call me when he gets home from practice."

“I will.”

"I don't know how he stands watching everyone else run drill while he just sits."

"Me either," said Lolly. "At least the season ends this Wednesday."

"Yeah, Max told me he doesn't know if the doctor is going to release him to play basket ball, which would really suck."

"Yeah, it would." Her neck was starting to hurt from looking up at him. She asked, "Do you play basketball?"

Kevin laughed, "I may be tall but couldn't hit a basket to save my soul."

Pa opened the front door. His eyes went from Lolly’s face to Kevin’s. Kevin waved and walked quickly away.

When Lolly stepped on the porch, Pa asked, “So, how many admirers do you have?”

Pa looked a little scared and he was trying so hard. She grinned and said, “More than you.”

He laughed. Maybe she she had reason to be mad at Pa, but she she wasn’t. Grandma Toady had grounded her in the concept of NOW. Right now, Pa was home. Right now, home was still home. Things were changing, but they would not change all at once. They would change one now at a time. One now at a time, it was something to hold onto and let go of.

*I measure every Grief I meet (561) Emily Dickinson