You Aren't My First Date

In the year 2264, August 6th, sometime after midnight ...

On their first date, Mary and Dwayne chit-chatted as the only two patrons at a 24-hour hovering retro diner.

"You know, Dwayne, I don't get it. You haven't asked me about myself or where I'm from. You just swiped accept on the app, agreed to meet up so late, and here I am talking about how awfully salty my hamburger tastes ..."

"Oh, I know, but I have a good vibe about you." He winked.

Mary smiled. "Well, I mean, you aren't even asking, but ... I'm not really from around here. You know?" She stared up at the ceiling.

"I'm well aware ..."

"How? I mean, I must look like the rest of the girls you date. What I mean is ..."

"No, no, I know exactly what you mean." Dwayne took a pen-shaped probe out of his coat pocket, jabbed her right hand with it, then clicked a button, paralyzing her body from the neck down.

"What have you done to me, Dwayne? Are you crazy?"

"The name's Agent Dwayne Smith of United Earth Bureau of Investigations, Planetary Defense Division. My job is to hunt down your kind. You're my assignment. I'm confident I know who you are as you refused to order a soda or French fries ..."

"French, what ...?"

"Exactly. We've figured out that your species is freshwater-scarce and likely adverse to sodium, and we know why you're here."

"What are you talking about, Dwayne?"

"We can detect the slightest alteration of our ocean levels. At first, we monitored an influx of ecologically destructive brine. Almost always, a species like yours will try to steal our potential freshwater supply through desalination to your homeworld. As we suspected, we discovered your micro-wormholes siphoning and processing our seawater."

"But how did you ... I mean ... that's insane. Dwayne, let me go!"

"How did I follow you? When you crossed through a mesh of portals, I traced your molecular signature after your materialization."

"I'll be in so much trouble if they find out." She cried. "Please, Dwayne, I beg of you. Let me go!"

"Fine, Mary, I'll send you back. But tell your people we'll have coordinates on your homeworld once you've returned. Those self-replicating nanites I injected into your bloodstream, they're quite contagious. Stun is only one of their more passive functions. We've instructed them to transform themselves into something hideous if any of your kind ever makes uninvited contact with our world again, Princess ..."

"Oh, you know of my royalty?"

"A fair guess ... Mary. It rarely fails. There's often a rebellious alien teenager, spouse, or relative from a top-level hierarchy who wants to meet a human or visit Earth for a once in a lifetime off-world adventure. You aren't my first date ..."