I was too rash. I thought you might get closer if I act more confidently, but I made a mistake. I watched you leave and my heart was shrinking once again. I could still smell your scent mixed with sweat, I could still hear your passionate heartbeat, echoing like a crazy drum; hear your irregular breath, desperately trying to fill your lungs with air. I clenched my fist and pulled it closer to my chest as if trying to pull you back to me with an invisible thread tied to your neck like a leash. Sometimes it feels like all I do is watch you walk away.

The first time I saw you was in that strange dream I had approximately seven months ago. I was me, but I was not me at all. I was standing in the Northern Forest, dressed unusually, like a commoner, just in loose black pants and a tight short-sleeved shirt. I was looking at you from above as if you were way shorter than me. It was a very perplexing sight - you had long and short hair at the same time, at one moment you were taller, then you became shorter again, like you were changing appearances every other second. But I could still recognize you every time. You looked at me as if you recognized me too. You asked me something but your words were voiceless. You were crying.

I did not know your name, your age, or where you came from. I just knew that I KNEW you.

I started seeing you every night - the same dream again and again - just you turning around to face me, and me looking at you from above. I began to fall for you like a madman, like I was bewitched; your gaze made my head go spinning, my mind get cloudy, overwhelmed. At some point, I heard a woman's voice calling my name, but that name was not mine. What was that name again? Now that I think about it, it sounded similar to Yoona's name. But I am not sure anymore.

The woman told me that I had to bring you here. She said you needed my help, and I needed yours. Her voice told me to wait until a certain date and then go to the Forest to take you with me. She said you would be there. Ever since I started having that dream, every waking moment started to feel like I was losing something every day. As if every day spent without you actually being here was eating my soul away. You were my only consolation, my only hope, the single ray of light. I wanted to meet you. I became greedy.

The day before you arrived, I went to the Northern Forest and brought a set of golden armor with me to make it look like I was making a sacrifice to the Goddess of war, just as that voice told me. Raphael thought I was unreasonable, he thought I was not making any sense, becoming desperate... Maybe I was. But I believed in you. And the next day you appeared right where I left it.

I was amazed - you looked exactly like you did in my dreams, and yet, you looked completely different. I was so used to seeing you in my sleep, that I almost lost control. But I was also slightly disappointed. You did not recognize me. You did not know me at all.

My dreams disappeared when you finally came here. I was sad. At least there you knew me, I could be closer to you. Therefore, I wanted to get closer to you in real life as soon as possible. I talked to you openly, shared my secrets, let you touch me, and touched you as well, I wanted to understand you, and I wanted you to understand me too. I was growing impatient.

You are beautiful. The way you talk, the way you carry yourself with that self-defensive confidence, the way you treat people with kindness and caution at the same time; as if you are trying to be careful, you keep drawing an invisible line around yourself, although you still try to push it closer at times. You're just like me.

I noticed it. The way you look at me, silently telling me that you acknowledge me, respect me, support me. But you don't know me. You don't know how much I pity myself, how much I hate myself for being weak, how tired I am from being treated like a child that needs to be looked after. Why don't you treat me like that?

I am trying to be careful. I'm approaching you as slowly as I can, but it still seems like I will never reach you in the end. You know your place here, the place that was forced on you, the place you never wanted. Did I really summon you here all by myself? Why did you come here? Why do you need me?

I know why I need you. You give me courage, you give me strength, you give me hope that everything I do, I do for a reason. I feel like I was wandering blindly in the darkness, but it was you who took the blindfold off my eyes and lit my way with your shining smile. I want you to smile more. How can I make you smile?

Sometimes I catch your curious gaze, you are aware of me, aware of my presence, and you are not bothered by it. I want you to be interested in me, I want you to want me too. I want to erase all the loneliness and hurt that you ever experienced and replace it with love and kindness so that you can open your heart wide, let me in, let me stay. Can I dare to dream about something like this?

Will you hate me if you learn that I knew you all along? Will you be disgusted if you find out what I think about you? What will you say if I tell you that I want to be with you, want to touch you, embrace you, kiss you? I flinch every time our bodies touch by accident, I flinch every time you touch me during our training sessions, when we ride a horse together; when I give you a bottle of water, a towel, anything. You probably think that I'm blushing because I'm embarrassed, but instead, my body grows hot as if an unstoppable fire spreads through my veins, burning my insides to ashes. I don't want to intimidate you or scare you, so I try to be your friend.

I observed you quietly. You like to tie your hair up. You smell like roses and cherries - you use the lotion I left in your room. You like to run around the garden, the swordsmanship training is hard for you, sometimes you get frustrated and hit Raphael lightly with your training sword. You are not afraid of Marion and even argue with him occasionally. You teach him new recipes and he cooks them for me. You like meat and spicy soups, you barely touch the desserts and often skip the teatime. You make your own bed even though the maids redo it anyway when they change your sheets. You visit Luther often, you like to read with him in his library. What books do you like to read? What do you talk to him about when no one can hear you? You never request the carriage when you go outside, you like to walk. You're fearless when it comes to your body, but never when it comes to your heart.

The day you fell ill was the time I was mortified the most. It was the first time I realized it was possible to lose you. What could I do? I stayed beside you as long as I could, I cursed myself, I cursed Lilith who made you faint like that, I cursed the doctor who did not know why you were sick, I cursed the force that made me bring you here, I cursed the world itself. You are always in danger. And it's all because of me.

The banquet was the worst. I looked for you, my mind was going crazy. I wanted to see you wearing a dress, I wanted to see how beautiful you were, I was selfish. When I saw you being embraced by Vincent, I almost burst into flames. He touched you against your will, he was trying to break you, humiliate you, walk over you, and it was all because of me.

I wanted to cry of how useless and helpless I was. If only I was more powerful, if only I could make everyone see how great you were, then no one would dare to touch you, hurt you, mess with you. I could try and protect you but it was not enough. I want everyone to be aware of you. I want everyone to be aware of me. I wanted to become the Emperor, and I wanted you to be my Empress.

But you drew the line again. And this time it became thicker, it was pushed further, distancing me away from you, erasing all my effort once again. You broke my heart. Again, and again, and again. What was I left to do? You shut your heart closed, closed tightly, adding more locks, throwing the keys away. How can I break them down?

You are afraid. You reach your arm to people, but you never bend the elbow, always ready, ready to push us away if anything goes wrong. Why don't you want to be loved?

You have a secret. The one secret you cannot share with anyone. The very secret that makes you walk on eggshells, that makes you always keep your arm unbent. You hide it carefully, like a treasure, like an heirloom one should never lose. What should I do to make you trust me? But I guess I don't deserve your trust, I myself can't even be honest with you. My patience grows weaker each day.

I have to be careful. I can only watch you from afar. I can be your friend, just like you want me. I can still protect you just like I want to. I'm getting all confused. I'm going crazy again.

Will you wait for me while I'm on the battlefield? Will you miss me? Will you write me letters? I don't want to leave you behind, I'm scared you'd disappear, leave me alone again. Will I see you again in my dreams? I'm getting restless.

I'm stronger now. I've been training every day for the past six months, training with you, training alone in my room, training with Raphael on the weekends. Every spare moment I had, I spent on training. I had to hide because I knew you would scold me, but I wanted you to be proud of me, I wanted to be proud of myself too. When you noticed my effort, I felt like a little kid getting praised for doing well in their studies. Was I ever praised like that? You always find it in your heart to give me kindness, to appreciate my struggles, to let me know you always keep your eye on me.

I can see your windows from my room. The light is off - are you asleep already? What are you dreaming about? Do you dream of home? Of the place you came from? Perhaps you dream of your friends, your lover? Of everything you left behind merely because I wanted you to be with me. What do you miss when you find yourself alone in your room? Who do you miss?

Today the night air feels especially suffocating, especially cold. When I close my eyes tonight, I still won't see you in my dreams. Will I be able to sleep at all?