On the walk home, I couldn’t help myself, I looked up Liz’s Instagram.

“Did you find it?” Lucifer asked, floating beside me.

“Shut up. Kill yourself.” I said, as I pulled up her page.

Lucifer whistled beside me as I scrolled through her photos. “The degree to which that bitch is out of your league is astronomic.” He said.

“Don’t call her bitch,” I said, “but fair.”

“Are you gonna ask her out?” Lucifer asked.

My heart began to act up again.

“I mean… maybe? I don’t know. Also die.” I said.

Lucifer floated over to me and rested his head on my shoulder. “This could be it, Tobe.” He whispered.

“Shut up. I’m gonna take it slow.” It was November in St. Cloud, so I knew the beads of sweat sprouting on my neck had little to do with the temperature.

Lucifer’s arm snaked around my shoulder. “Just follow her. You know you’re only gonna get pricklier until you do. We’ve been here befo-”

“Okay fine. Shut up. Kill yourself.” I said, as I tapped the “follow” button.

I sighed and placed my phone back in my pocket. When, or if she followed back, I’d get the buzzing notification.

But maybe my notification was off? Shit. I pulled out my phone to check if the notifications were on. They were? Good. I put my phone back in my pocket. Oh shit. Were they on for Instagram? I pulled it out to check. They were? Good. Fuck! What if they-

“She’s probably not gonna follow you back, you know.” Lucifer said, “You fools didn’t even tell her your names.”

“I mean, she saw my face didn’t she?” I asked, blinking.

Lucifer scoffed. “You mean when you were drooling over her? Yeah, she saw.”

“Don’t be an asshole, this is some serious shit.” I said, pulling out my phone again.

“Don’t be an asshole?” Lucifer scoffed again, “bitch, I nailed Jesus to a cross. Fuck you mean ‘don’t be an asshole?’ It’s literally the purpose for my existence.”

“Technically the Pharisees did that, now hush.” I said, turning my notifications from vibrate to ring.

“Give up, my friend.” Lucifer said, “Have you seen her? Have you seen you? She’s not following you back.”

“What? You literally just told me to follow her!”

“Yeah, well, for a second I forgot your lips are shaped like the ass crack of God post shitting out the earth!”

I stopped, and pushed him off my shoulder.

“That’s blasphemous.” I said, blinking excessively.

The bastard burped. “So is the size of your dick, yet you still think it’s getting wet any time soon.”

“Why are you always like this?” I asked, by now my house was a few meters away.

He started doing air-cartwheels. “Like what?”

“You’re stuck with me, right? Why do you feel the need to always antagonize me at every-”

“Uggghhhhh,” Lucifer groaned, “not this again! I’ve told you, I’m the de-”

“I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU ARE!” I yelled, not caring that to any passerby I was essentially shouting at air, “I hate you.”

Lucifer seemed to soften a bit. “Are you always gonna cry for everything?”

I wiped my eyes. “I’m not crying. Kill yourself.”

“Sure buddy,” Lucifer said with a chuckle, “and I didn’t fuck Adam’s wife.”

“It’s so weird hearing you say shit like that when you look like a kid.” I sniffled.

He chuckled again. “Let me tell you something boy, she didn’t care how old I looked when I was giving her this grown ass di-”

“Okay! I’m leaving you now!” I power-walked past him and headed towards my house.

As my right foot stepped unto the porch, my phone dinged, and my heart lept out of my ass.

“Holyshitholyshitholyfuckingshit! Did she-”

I pulled out my phone to see it was an update notification for a web comic.

“HA! It wasn’t her was it?” Lucifer asked.

I sighed. “No, a lot of artists update on wednesdays.”

Lucifer giggled as my phone dinged again. With a sigh, I pulled it out to turn my notifications back to vibrate, when I saw it:

‘@_lizzaaaa_ has followed you!’

And then I proceeded to squeal and jump and lose my shit.

With something in my chest bubbling like boiling water, I dashed into my house, barely saying ‘hi’ to my parents as I raced up the stairs. Back then I didn’t understand it, I mean I didn’t even know the girl’s last name, but just the fact that someone had seen my follow and decided to follow me back (and especially that she was as hot as Liz), split open my face with the widest grin. It’s even more pathetic in hindsight.

“Tobechukwu! Is that how you greet?”

I climbed back down the stairs, and prostrated for my dad.

“Ndeewo.” I said.

Dad smiled, turning the page on his news paper. “Nnoo. Kee kwanu?”

I did my best to not look impatient. “I’m fine, yeah. You?”

“Good, good,” he said slowly. Then he looked at my twitching foot and gave me one of those teasing dad-smiles through his glasses. The bastard knew what he was doing. “And how was school?”

“Daaaadddd, I have to go!” I whined.

He chuckled, and flipped another page. “Ah, is something more important than your father, now?”

My mother came out of the kitchen, her apron stained with okro soup. “Don’t tell this nonsense boy is doing big boy just because he’s in highschool.” She bonked me on the head with one of those big cooking spoons. “You don’t know I still prostrate for my father to this day.”

“Don’t mind him, oh.” Dad said, “I’m sure he’s already started chasing girls.”

“Ehn? Girls?” My mom said, “When you should be focusing on your studies? Is that why you are always getting in trouble with Mrs. Greenwell?”

“Oh my god, guys, it was one detention.” I groaned

Dad kicked my leg. “My friend, don’t say the lord’s name in vain.”

“See me, see trouble. You think you are big now, shebi?” Mom said. She bonked me again.

“Mommmyyyy!” I exclaimed, rubbing my head.

“Don’t ‘Mommy’ me, jare! Go and do your homework.” She pointed at the stairs with her spoon as she pinched my cheek.

“Yeah, yeah.” I said, wrestling away from her assault and walking towards the stairs.

“Tobe.” My dad, called.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“Play with Chima. And stay with us downstairs after dinner. You’ve been so busy these past few months, and I know you’re a man now and have your whole life, but Chima is your sister, okay?”

I nodded, and he smiled.

“Chineke!” My mom clapped her hands thrice before bonking my dad with the spoon. “You’re even saying that as if he has a choice! Chai!”

“Mom!”

“My friend, go and do your homework! Your mates are having children, you you’re still hear drinking breastmilk.”

“Neither of those things are even remotely true.”

“Are you sure?” My dad said, rubbing his head, “You know America is very crazy, my son.”

“I’d bet any amount of money, dad.”

“Jesus!” My mom exclaimed. “So you’ve started gambling?!”

I sighed and started climbing the stairs.

“Tobechukwu!”

“I’m not gambling, mom!”

I finally reached my room and plopped right unto my bed face-first.

“Okay, she followed back, what do I do?” I asked.

No response.

“Lucifer?” I looked around, he usually popped out of somewhere random whenever I talked to him.

“Sorry,” he said, crawling out from one of my socks (I’ve stopped asking questions at this point), “you’re socks smell awful. Wash your feet, boy!”

“I guarantee you, what you were smelling was not unwashed feet.” I said.

He looked at me. Then at the sock. “Wh-”

I grinned.

“No…”

I grinned wider.

“You wouldn’t… I mean… you’re too old for…”

I started chuckling.

“Is that…” he took a breath, “…is that why it was… crunchy?”

By now I was full on cackling like a cartoon villain.

“I thought it was rain, I…” he takes a breathe, and clenches his fangs “I’m gonna send you to hell, boy.”

“Sure, but before you do, I’m gonna send her a DM. What do you think?”

Lucifer shrugged. “I don’t know the nuances of all this online dating stuff, boy, the last ass I plowed was Hitler’s.”

“…’s wife?”

“Hitler’s.”

I nodded. “Nice. I’m just gonna send her a text. Something simple, like ‘hey’, what do you think?”

He shrugged again. “I mean, seems a little simple, especially if you’re tryna scuba dive in her guts.”

“Alright,” I plopped down on my bed and raised my phone above my face, “you’re banned from speaking now.”

I had pretty much just reopened Instagram when I heard my door open.

And then I heard tiny footsteps.

And then I felt tiny hands grab my shoulder.

And then I watched as those tiny hands started shaking me.

“Tobeeeeeeeee! Playyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! Oh! Pleeeeeeeaseeeeee! Mrs.Chelsea says that ‘please’ is a magic word, you know?” Chima shook me back and forth, distorting my view of Liz’s ass.

I turned to her. “Did you knock?”

The little shit had the nerve to think about it. “Hmmmm… no?”

“Exactly, go out, knock, and I’ll come play lego’s with you.”

Her face lit up like one of those sped-up sunrise videos. “Okay!”

She and her little fun-sized legs ran out, or I guess waddled out before shutting my door. And then she knocked.

“Who is it?” I asked.

“It’s meeeeeee!” She replied.

“Who is ‘meeeeee’?”

Chima giggled. “Chima!”

“Oh! And what does Chima want?”

I could hear her jumping up and down. “For you to come help me build Lego Batman!”

“No.”

“Wha-!” The fact that I had pulled this trick on her so many times, and the fact that each time she still had the nerve to be surprised is still the funniest thing about my childhood.

“Why not?!” She exclaimed, slapping her mini-human hands on my door.

“‘Cuz I don’t wanna!”

“But you promised!”

“I also promised that your name doesn’t sound like a Lion King character. I lied.”

Chima gasped and stomped away, leaving me and Lucifer to chuckle to ourselves.

“I think I’m a good influence on you, boy.” He said, placing his hands on his waist.

“Kill yourself. Should I send the text?” I asked.

Lucifer doesn’t say anything for a while, and then he drops his hands from his waist and just stares at me for a moment. When he does speak, his voice lacks the lightning.

“Do you even like her?” He asked me.

I didn’t look at him, but I didn’t hesitate either. It rolled off of my tongue the way ostentatious lyrics about chasing sunsets roll off of Jaden Smith’s.

“Of course.” I said to him, trusting in the biting of my lip and the drum solo coming from my heart.

And so I took a deep breathe, bit my lip harder, typed ‘h’, and ‘e’, and ‘y’, before finally, finally, pressing send.