Before the hero has any chance to respond he hears a beep coming from above his head.

What's this? Two achievements are evolving!

Very upbeat music begins to play as the two achievements, framed in a blue box, go dark and circle around one another.

Congratulations! Your 'I don't wanne touch that daddy.' and 'Everything but the kitchen sink' have evolved into 'Don't touch everything daddy!”

“So... I've got a couple of problems with this. First of all, that's now evolution works.”

It worked for them, it'll work here as well.

“Uhu... Second, the title? Really?”

Achievement titles are chosen at random and pertain to the individual who gets them.

“Ah, I see. So yeah, no.”

No?

“Just no. Not going to use that achievement as long as it has that title.”

Understood, re-rolling achievement title. Please hold.

Your achievement is evolving!

Upbeat music begins to play again.

Congratulations! Your 'Don't touch everything daddy! Has evolved into 'I'm a kitchensink, daddy!'

“Yeah, still not how evolution works. But at least it doesn't sound as horrible as the first one. Now tell me what it does.”

'I'm a kitchensink, daddy!' is a rare SSS tier achievement that allows you to turn any awkward conversation into a weapon.

“I honestly feel like I've aged twenty years in the past few days... how the hell would this even work?”

This narrator is feeling pretty attacked right now. The achievement must have changed from an active skill to a passive one that doesn't require verbal activation.

“So my words are now hurting you?”

Yes.

“Good.”

Minus Fifty dkp, euhm, I mean karma. For hurting an innocent non playable narrator.

“How convenient.”

The hero rubbed his forehead in agony as several men surrounded the jail-cell door. They wore brown armour that had seen better times. Or rather, better past centuries. The ones that weren't mothballed had strange mothball shaped holes in them. Probably the work of an overly aggressive moth. A growing problem in these provinces.

“I presume you are hero, “the man reads the note he took from his pocket. “100980?” He looked down at the bodies that lay on the floor. His eyes narrowed.

“Could be, I've honestly got no clue. You can just call me Dave if you like?”

This hero has a name?

“Yes, most people have a name. Why does this shock you?”

The armoured man took out a pencil and put a mark next to the word 'schizophrenic'. “Seems we've got that confirmed at least. Heard a few reports that you were assaulting members of the beggar's guild and our valiant police force?”

The hero followed the armoured man's gaze and looked down. He shook his head frantically.

“No, no, no. I can assure you, this is just a case of bad luck. I don't have anything to do with this. They were like this when I got here.”

“So the man who arrested you was already dead before that man put you in jail?”

“Euhm... yes. Strange case of a temporal vortex that happened right in front of me.”

The armoured man wrote down 'insane' and underlined it several times.

Another beep rang above the hero's head.

Activating achievement 'I'm a kitchensink, daddy!'

Without missing a beat, the armoured man now eyed up his colleague who stood next to him.

“You hear that Perkins, a temporal vortex.”

Perkins laughed.

“Right you are, sergeant.”

“Did you just laugh at me, Perkins?”

“No sarge, like, ya know, the vortex.”

“You're calling me a vortex? Men arrest Perkins for insubordination. Then arrest yourselves for that too. I know you all calling me a vortex behind my back. And that ends today!”

When all the men had figured out how the arrests should happen via a game of rock-paper-scissors, they went away and headed to beggar jail. Which was like a regular jail, but you had to pay for the privilege. The sergeant than walked up the the hero named Dave and released him from his jail-cell.

“Terribly sorry, sir. You know how it goes. One day they're your brother in law and life-long friends, the next they call you a vortex. I swear, some people. Is there anywhere I can drop you off perhaps?”

The hero rubbed his wrists and released some tension.

“Might help if I knew who you were in the first place. You just barged in here without so much as a hello.”

The sergeant looked affronted and lowered his head.

“You're right. Apologies, sir. We're, well, I'm part of the beggar's guild mobile division. Where ever the seeders went, we skate through at high speeds to respond to emergency situations or any coins that might drop. Sometimes we help out the local law to acquire some leniency for our members.”

“Seeders?”

“Yes, sir. You've already interacted with one in fact. The regular beggars seed or defecate in the streets. Enabling us to glide on through where ever there's enough street-seed as it were.”

“Ah, of course. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go away and pretend this explanation never happened.”

“Quite right, sir. Have a nice day.”

“Unlikely.”

The hero ventured outside and was met with freshly seeded streets as far as the nose could smell.

Holding down his lunch, he made his way to a richer part of town that had normal methods of transportation. You could say he followed his nose, but in reverse. Where ever his nose led him, he did the opposite in a hurry. Once free of the warm embrace of human seed, he checked his statistics.

STRENGTH: 0

INTELLIGENCE: 0

AGILITY: 0

DEXTERITY: 0

LUCK: 130

ACHIEVEMENTS:

'Oh you lucky so and so.' - S

'Innate colon user' - A

'I'm a kitchensink, daddy!' SSS

“Why are there letters next to my achievements now?”

Systems seems to have run an upgrade after acquiring a marked SSS tier achievement. From now on, you'll see the tiers of every one of your skills. A being the lowest, SSS being the highest as far as this hero is concerned.

“Well thanks for the vote of confidence. I assume there's higher ones?”

Yes. There's the SSS tier, the uber-SS tier, the small pp tier, the big pp tier and the massive pp tier.

“Right...”

But user doesn't have to worry about ever getting a pp. Even the smaller pp's require a decent amount of hand strength, whereas the hero has zero strength.

“Why hand strength specifically though?”

How else would you hold your pp?

“Doesn't it just float in the air like the rest?”

It is hundred percent certain that no pp, no matter what tier size, can float.

“Oh, that's too bad then. Always wanted a big pp.”

The narrator nods sagely. Everybody does. Everybody.