italics — rues narration

i had a therapist once who said that these states will wax and wane. which gave my mother relief, because it meant that in the bad times, there would be good times. but it also gave her anxiety because it meant that in the good times, there would be bad times. it always confused me, because i didn't really know what it meant.

but it did sound a lot calmer than the way i would describe it.

granted, i didn't realize until later what waxing and waning implied. that these feelings were fixed and constant and would never end for the rest of my life.

rue had managed to crawl from the middle of the hallway to athena's room, which was the closest to the hallway. she pushed her door open, feeling more than grateful that she always left it cracked at night. "athena." she spoke loud enough to wake her from her slumber, tiredness still evident in her eyes.

she sat up in her bed quickly, looking around confused before her eyes fell to the ground. "why are you on the floor?" she asked. she hadn't noticed that rue was crying until a few seconds after, in which her sister instincts kicked in. she got out of bed quickly, walking and bending down to rue. "rue, hey. hey," she held her face in her hands, a questioning look on her face.

"what's going on?" she asked, wiping the sweat off of her face. she was bright red, and obviously in pain. "it hurts." she cried. "what hurts? what's wrong?" she asked. "my fuckin' bladder." her eyebrows furrowed, "when was the last time you peed?" she asked.

athena knew rue didn't leave her room often because she was depressed, also because she didn't like rick, but she didn't know she was holding in her pee. she didn't know how long, either. "two days ago." she admitted. her eyes went wide, "are you serious?" she asked, letting go of her face gently as she slipped random shoes on and grabbed a sweatshirt lying on her floor.

she pushed her door more open so she could get behind rue. she lifted rue from behind, rue helping her the best she could by grabbing onto the wall. "oh, my fucking god." rue hissed. "i know, i know. i'm gonna wake mom, okay? we'll get you to the hospital."

okay, this is gonna sound sick, because i'm actually in a lot of pain right now, due to the sheer weight and strain on my bladder, but, man, does this make me miss opiates. because your bladder is trained from a very early age not to pee whenever it wants to, it needs permission from your brain. and when you're really high, your brain gets a little... lazy. too lazy to say something.

i know this probably makes me look irresponsible and, like i said, lazy, but i also feel like nobody actually understands how hard it is to do basic things when you're depressed.

depression kind of collapses time. suddenly, you find your whole days blending together to create one endless and suffocating loop. so you find yourself trying to remember the things that made you happy.

but slowly, your brain begins to erase every memory that ever brought you joy. and eventually, all you can think about is how life has always been this way. and will only continue to be this way.

"east highland PD! open the door!" the strong pounds at the door made fez panic, leaning out of the bathroom door to see if they had busted in yet. "come on, bro. hurry the fuck up out there!" fez rushed back into the bathroom to help ash flush every pill and pill bottle he could without clogging the toilet.

"we know you're in there. open up!" the policeman outside the door shouted, only making them panic even more. fez was almost drawn to tears, his entire life flashing before his eyes. he thought about his grandma, ash, and athena. how he would let them down if he went to jail today, all because he decided to piss off nate jacobs per rues request.

"fuck! goddamn it! fuck, bro." fez rubbed his hand over his face as the toilet finally backed up, no more pills being able to flush without everything coming back up. "i got an idea, man." fez acted quickly as he started running the bath water, throwing in any soap he had available.

"what the fuck, man?" ash looked confused, "take your clothes off." he instructed, the bubbles filling in the tub quickly. "come on, bruh. hurry up, for real, man" he spoke through gritted teeth. "unlock the door! open up, now!" ash left his boxers on, slipping into the tub without fez having to tell him to.

fez then shoved the rest of the pills and pill bottles under the bubbles, being completely unseen. and by the time he was finished, the front door was busted in and the police were in his home.