italics — rues narration

🖤

it's been almost a week

why are u doing this to me

u used me like everyone else

one of the benefits of showing up at the hospital in the middle of the night with a kidney infection is that the first thing they do is give you something to bring down your fever and subdue the agonizing pain you're in.

i know what you're all thinking.

it's not a relapse if it's warranted. it's a hall pass.

they put me on cipro, which is the antibiotic they give to people that are exposed to anthrax, started me on lexapro, which is one of the few antidepressants that doesn't make me crazier. and kept me there for three days. it was actually really nice. i love hospitals. if i could spend the rest of my life in a hospital, i would.

because when you're in a hospital, you have zero responsibilities. they make sure you eat, sleep, stay hydrated, and if anything bad happens, there's always a doctor nearby.

it's also the best place to be in the event of a mass shooting, unless the gunman kills all the surgeons. the point is, i had zero anxiety.

then at nighttime, when everyone's asleep, i close my eyes and imagine all the little beeps to be the sounds of birds, and the lukewarm air blowing through the vent to be a warm breeze. your hospital bed can sort of feel like a poolside chair on a hot summer night in the caribbean. plus, jules came to visit.

and for everyone who was calling me manic, i was, like, 92 percent correct. but something was different about jules.

and i know you're not supposed to say this kind of shit out loud, but if i ever had the chance i would fuckin' kill nate jacobs.

fez sighed as he scrolled through athenas endless text messages, deciding to put his phone on do not disturb. he knew he was hurting her and making her feel like he just used her for her body, since the last time he saw her, they hooked up. but he figured that it would be better to ghost her completely before he did what he did, so she would hate him enough to not come looking for him. so she would hate him enough to not care, even though deep down he wanted her to.

he wanted to keep her safe, even if that meant leaving her.

ash watched from a distance as fez hiked his hood up over his head, giving himself one last glance in the mirror. they had managed to not get arrested from the raid the day prior. they were lucky, but their luck didn't continue to the next day.

they had lost all their supply, needing to get it back or make it back before mouse came by later that night. and although fez knew he probably had better options, he resorted to the quickest solution he could think of.

fez walked from the bathroom to his grandmas room, her machines beeping one after another. he fought back his tears as he bent down next to her, his hand gripping hers. "i love you, grandma." he said, giving her hand a good squeeze and looking at her once more before he stood up again. he was strapped completely underneath his shirt, the feeling of the metal against his skin made him shiver.

he stood up and walked into the living room where ash was. they gave each other a look, both feeling the same amount of anxiety. ash gave him an approving nod, fez doing the same thing. "i love you, lil bro."

jules told me about how good her friends back home made her feel, how she never felt energy like that in this town. and honestly, i agreed. this town is fucking boring. it's full of so many problems, so many people with so many problems.

most of them hide their problems below the surface, probably embarrassed. but i wear them on my sleeve, because i feel like it gives identity. there isn't one fucking person on this entire earth that doesn't have problems.

we just don't want to talk about it.

fez waited until the doctor closed his front door to run inside, following quickly behind him. he pulled his gun out of his pants once they got to the living room, the doctor freezing once he heard it cock behind him. he put his hands up, freezing instantly. "i ain't here to hurt you. but if you fuck around, i swear to god, i'll fucking kill you. where's the money at?" he threatened. the doctor gulped, "it's in the table." he said.

fez pulled his money bag out from under his shirt, handing it to the doctor. he held the gun to his head, making sure he didn't do anything stupid. "move slow. jesus fucking christ." the doctor opened the table slowly, placing the stacks of money in.

he placed everything in almost like he was in slow mow, fez was starting to get impatient. "you're a fucking doctor? hurry the fuck up, man." he moved his gun, which was probably a mistake on his part. the doctor tried to turn and hit the gun out of his hand, which angered fez to the max.

he butted him with the gun, the doctor falling to the floor quickly. fez continued to hit him with his gun, enough to hurt him but not kill him. "motherfucker, what the fuck you doing? ass, drop the fucking gun! bitch-ass motherfucker! hey! motherfucker! drop the fucking gun! stop! stop! stop going for the fucking gun! bitch-ass motherfucker! i told you to fucking be cool! bitch! don't be doing that!" he shouted.

he stopped hitting the doctor, him being on the floor covered in blood. "what the fuck did you do that for? fuck! fuck. shit. goddamn." fez whispered, feeling like his heart was going to explode. he moved quickly to get the rest of the money in the bag, giving the doctor once last look before he ran back out of the front door. his mind raced from athena to ash to his grandma. he cared about them all, he felt like an animal.

he ran all the way to his car, which he parked a few blocks away. he got in, ditching his hoodie and ski mask. he threw the bag of money in the backseat, starting his car quickly and driving away.

i know we don't talk about our problems because they can be embarrassing, we can be ashamed of them. we're ashamed of the mistakes we made and continued to make, and the things we do that we haven't grown out of yet. but i think that the more you don't talk about your problems, the more they eat you alive.

"you're late." mouses voice was heard as soon as fez entered his home. fez walked into the living room, "i got caught up dealing with some bullshit." he said. "i heard you got raided." he raised a brow. fez nodded, "but they ain't find nothin', though. ain't got shit on me." he said. mouse nodded, "let's hope not."

without another word, fez tossed the stacks of money to mouse and his boys, unaware of the fact that the evidence of his home robbery was plastered all over one of the stacks. bloodstains.

"so, we all good?"