Hyde stifled a cough, holding the joint to Izzy's lips, who was sitting in his lap. "I'm telling you," he said, looking around at the others. "The government has a car that runs on water, man. They just don't want us to know, cause then we'd buy all the water! Then there'd be nothing left to drink but beer!"

Izzy handed the joint to Fez and giggled. "Beer would set us free, man!" She froze, her eyes wide. "Imagine a car made out of a giant beer can. It runs on beer, there are minifridges in the seats filled with beer..."

"No way, Izzy Bee! If it runs on beer, we'd have to drink water! That's why we need the car that runs on water-"

"Hyde, you have told us about that car a million times." Fez said, rolling his eyes. "Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am? I wish I had a lady made of pizza." He gasped. "Or a pizza made of boobs!"

"Yeah. Hungry, check. Horny, check..." Eric said, counting them off on his fingers. "It's getting a little old, Fez. Man, I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker, y'know? Remember when he was living on Tatooine, before R2 and C3PO showed up? Just... workin' on Uncle Owen's water farm all day. Not even allowed to go into Toshie Station to pick up some power convertors. Bo-ring."

Kelso sighed. "Eric. Enough with the Star Wars crap! Whenever you talk about that stuff, I frown, and when I frown, my skin wrinkles, and if I get wrinkles, my free ride is over! And I like my free ride!"

"Yeah, we get it. You're good looking" Hyde said. "Man, doesn't anyone have anything new to say?"

Everyone paused, trying to think of something.

"I made cupcakes last night." Izzy said.

"Forwoman, that happens every Friday night, that's not new."

There was another pause.

Hyde slowly grinned. "So there's this car that runs on water-" Everyone grabbed their cans--pop or beer--and started throwing at them at Hyde, who moved to cover Izzy's face from the projectiles.

-

"Six Million Dollar Man." Jackie said, reading the title screen of the television show. "That's, like, a twenty dollar jumpsuit and a four dollar haircut. Where did all the money go?"

"I think we've seen this episode." Donna mumbled. "Yeah. And we were sitting in these exact same seats when we saw it!"

Hyde shook his head. "Nah, Izzy was sitting over there. I remember, cause I could see up her skirt." Izzy started laughing, leaning back against Hyde's chest. Kelso craned his neck to try and see up her skirt, so Hyde tugged on the fabric, making it cover more of her.

"Hey guys, we do the exact same thing every day." Eric said unhappily. "TV, snack, nap. You know what? This isn't a basement, this is a nursing home!"

Kelso stood up. "I know something we can do. Jackie, Donna, Izzy, get naked. The rest of you guys, just back off and give us some room." He started to take his shirt off, but his actions were (thankfully) cut short by Fez entering the basement.

"Hello, Friends of Fez!" He greeted, sitting in his usual chair.

"Hey, Fez," Izzy said, looking over. "Where's Nina?"

He smiled. "Oh, she didn't want to hang out with me tonight, she said she needed some space."

A collective audible cringe came from the group. "Uh oh. That's the same sound you guys made when I told you I was gonna grow my bangs out."

"Fez," Donna said, "when a girl says she needs space, it means she's dumping you."

Fez shook his head. "Oh no, you don't understand. She said it was her, not me."

There was another cringe.

"That ain't good." Hyde said.

Fez looked confused. "Wait, what is the big deal?"

Eric sighed. "Oh, man. I can't tell him. This is a job for someone who's cold, heartless, and just... inhuman." He turned to look at the brunette sitting on the couch. "Jackie, go for it."

Jackie glared at Eric, then turned to Fez. "Look, when a girl says, 'It's not you, it's me,' what she really means is 'It's you.'"

Fez looked down at his hands, a frown slowly appearing on his face. "So I have really been dumped."

"Yup." Hyde said. "Here's another tip: when a girl says she just wants to be friends, it really means she wants you to do stuff for her, but she's not gonna put out. So, y'know, heads up on that one."

Izzy's eyes widened. "You'd better be joking, Steven!"

"Wh- No way- I mean of course I'm joking!" He chuckled nervously, holding her a little closer to him. "You're still gonna put out, right?"

Eric made a face. "Ew! Really, Hyde?"

Hyde opened his mouth to bite back at Eric, but Kelso was quicker. "You see, Fez," he said. "Women will screw you over every chance they get. That and breastfeeding, it just comes natural to 'em."

-

"So. Haji's girlfriend finally came to her senses." Red said, standing amidst the group in the kitchen later that day.

Izzy scowled. "Dad, that's not a nice name to call Fez."

"What happened?" He asked. "She didn't want to be a fifth wife?" The boys all snickered, but Izzy kept the scowl on her face.

"Well, it's her loss." Kitty huffed, flipping through her cookbook. "The girls in my Friday night cribbage game will be thrilled to have Fez back at the table."

Eric knit his brow. "You know what? At least Fez has a social life. Look at us, we're hanging out with my parents."

Red smiled. "Yeah, about that. Feel free to get the hell out."

"Well, I mean, we can do better than this!" Donna said, a determined look on her face. "You guys, we're gonna graduate in two months, and there's a whole town out there just waiting for us! We just have to, you know, grab the bull by the horns!"

"Okay," Kelso said nervously. "But I tell you this from experience, if we're gonna mess with a bull, we'd better have an escape plan."

"Well, what are the popular kids doing tonight?" Kitty asked, not taking her eyes off her recipe book long enough to see the pain that was in everyone's eyes. "Well, I bet they're not hanging out with their parents, giving them snarky looks!"

Kelso jumped a little bit. "Ooh, remember when the Brady kids got bored, and then that fat kid Oliver showed up? It just all turned around. They got in a pie fight and everything!"

"You know what? Kelso might actually be onto something." Eric said slowly. "Maybe we should look for someone new to hang out with!"

"Alright, we're gettin' a fat kid!"

"You know," Red said, "maybe instead of adding someone, maybe you should think about weeding out a few." He pointed at Hyde. "Like you," he turned to Kelso, "and you," he turned to Eric, pausing before a grin broke out on his face and he added, "and you."

Eric's eyes widened. "Wh- I'm your son."

"I can't play favorites!"

Izzy raised her eyebrows. "Daddy, am I your favorite?"

"Definitely, Isabelle."

Kitty paused, looking at a blank recipe card. "You know, if you're looking for a new friend, how about Lance Crawford? He's such a nice boy!"

"Mom, Lance Crawford and I hate each other," Izzy said, making a face. "You're just obsessed with getting his mom's peach cobbler recipe."

"Well what kind of a woman keeps a recipe a secret?!" Yelled Kitty, making everyone jump. "If that recipe were the Polio vaccine, we'd all be in wheelchairs!"

Donna grimaced. "I don't like Lance Crawford. He's always staring at me in this really creepy way. And then, this one time, I saw him fiddling around in my locker? When I opened it, there was a rose inside, and my gym socks were missing!"

Izzy's eyes widened. "Oh my god, the same thing happened to me!"

"Okay, a little advice?" Kelso said. "You two aren't gonna want those socks back."

-

"Ugh, I can't think of anyone new I wanna hang out with." Jackie complained, laying on the basement couch. "All the girls I know are either too snobby or too slutty."

Kelso snickered, tossing a football to Izzy. "Yeah, I'm not good with the snobs, but slutty's my bread and butter."

Izzy nodded, catching the ball and throwing it to Hyde. "Yeah, slutty's great. So long as their skirts are short and their tops, too."

"You know what we need? People with stuff to offer." Eric said. "Like Mark Herman! He's got that dirtbike, and I always liked him."

"Sold it last week." Kelso said sadly.

"That punk. Well, he's out."

"Carrie Grewber has a trampoline?" Donna offered.

Hyde shook his head. "Carrie Grewber also has a big, hairy mole. I don't wanna be bouncing around and get tangled up in that." He turned to Izzy. "What about your art friends? You know, those girls, uh... Lucie and Olivia, right?"

Izzy raised her eyebrows. "Uh, well, Lucie's super into psychedelic art--if you know what I mean--and Olivia's too busy pining after some sickly-looking blond boy right now."

Jackie scrunched up her nose. "Oh, then definitely not."

"Hold on, hold on..." Hyde held his hands up in defense, then cocked his head towards Izzy. "Psychedelics, huh?"

Donna shook her head. "No, you can't bring that stuff around Eric, he'll die."

Eric nodded sadly. "It's like how you can't give a chihuahua a full sleeping pill or it won't wake up."

"Eric!" Kitty called down the stairs. "Eric, honey, there's someone here to see you!"

"Mom, is it another one of Dad's Marine Corps recruiters?" Eric whined, heading upstairs. "Cause I'll run away, I swear I will!"

-

A few minutes later, Eric came running back down the stairs. "Red alert you guys, red alert! Lance Crawford is in the building!"

Donna jumped to her feet. "I'm getting the hell outta here!"

"Wait!" Jackie said, making Donna freeze. "What if he sees us sneaking out?"

Hyde nudged Izzy. "Leave one of your socks behind."

They all looked at Izzy expectantly.

"Wh- No!"

And, in a split second, everyone ran out of the basement door.

-

It was a few days later, and the group hadn't found anyone new. Donna tried bringing someone to hang out with, but the girl kept flirting with Hyde and Eric, then Kelso brought someone who Jackie refused to speak to... overall, it wasn't working out.

"Hey," Eric greeted everyone as he came in through the basement, noticing how they were all sitting in their usual spots, watching their usual television programs. "So I went to see Jake Bradley-"

"The quarterback?" Izzy asked.

Eric nodded. "Yeah, to see if he wanted to hang out. And you know what Mr. Cool Guy was doing? Just hangin' out in his basement with his friends! And they were watching Six Million Dollar Man! It was eerie."

"Was there a skinny guy dating this real hot chick who was way out of his league?" Hyde asked snarkily.

Eric thought for a moment. "You know... there was. But hey, lucky for them, their creepy burnout friend was single, sad, and alone!"

"Ah," Izzy grinned. "So we're winning."

Kelso froze. "Wait, does this mean we're not getting a fat kid to play with?!"

"No, man!" Said Eric, clapping Kelso on the shoulder. "We don't need anyone else! You know what? We've only got two months until graduation. We can't waste a second of that."

"Forman's right." Hyde said. "Let's seize the day, man!"

-

Moments later, they were all back in the circle, their eyes all hazy. "Hey," Hyde giggled. "Weren't we supposed to seize something, man?"

Izzy tapped her chin. "I think I'll make cupcakes tonight. But switch it up a bit. Chocolate cupcakes, vanilla frosting, instead of what I usually do!"

"What do you usually do, Izzy Bee?"

"Vanilla frosting, but chocolate cupcakes!" She giggled. "Wait."

Donna shook her head. "You know what the Six Million Dollar Man should have? A bionic nose. He could smell everything!"

"Guys," Eric said, a wistful smile on his face. "All I know is that we should really appreciate this. Cause... I don't think we're gonna be able to do this in college."

"This peach cobbler is amazing!" Kelso yelled, ditching his fork and just using his fingers instead. "Now who would leave a whole pan of peach cobbler just sittin' on the counter?!"

Jackie nodded. "See? We don't need anyone else! We've got lots of interesting things to say! Right?"

"Hey..." Hyde whispered. "There's this car that runs on water-"

He was cut off again by everyone, including Izzy this time, pelting him with cans.

-

The following weekend was the Nursing Convention, to which Kitty had begged Red, Izzy, and Eric to go. Red reluctantly agreed to stay, just for a few minutes, but Izzy and Eric (along with Fez) were happy to go. They intended on hanging out with Hyde and Kelso while they were there, as the event was being held at the hotel those two were currently working at.

"Ah, the annual Nurse's Convention." Eric said wistfully to Izzy and Fez, who was leaning on a table. "You know, according to my bathroom reading, all nurses are actually horny for highschool boys!"

Izzy shook her head. "No way. Girls have standards. Men, on the other hand? I'd bet anyone ten bucks that the reason hospital robes are open in the back is so creepy old male doctors can look at girls' asses!"

Fez grinned. "Well, I'm not complaining!"

Just then, Hyde and Kelso walked up to the three of them, each one setting down their tray of hor d'oeuvres. Izzy squealed a little bit, it being her first time seeing Hyde in his new uniform.

"Hi, doll." He said as she threw her arms around him.

She kissed his cheek and pulled away a little bit, smoothing out his chef jacket. "You look so good, Steven!" She gasped. "You're just like Louis de Funès in L'aile ou la cuisse!"

Hyde grinned and looked over her shoulder at the boys. "Yeah. My girlfriend speaks French."

Kelso's jaw dropped. "What about me, Forwoman? Don't I look good?!"

"Of course, Kelso," Izzy laughed, taking Hyde's hand in hers. "You look fantastic."

Kelso punched the air and yelled a loud, "Yes!" He looked around at all the young nurses, a grin on his face. "Damn. Look at this sexy stampede! It's like Wild Kingdom!"

"I will stalk their sexy herd like a lion." Fez said determinedly. "I cannot run as fast, but let's see a lion put on this much cologne."

Hyde gave Izzy a quick kiss. "Mkay, we'd better get back to work."

"Have fun!"

"No way."

-

The next day, in the driveway, Izzy was sitting on the hood of the Cruiser, her watercolors all set out and a sketch that was severely lacking in color in front of her. Eric, Donna, Fez, and Kelso were all playing basketball while she worked.

"Alright!" Kelso said excitedly. "Let's play some ball!" He walked over to Fez and slapped him on the ass, making Fez jump.

"Why would you slap me on the butt?!" He asked skittishly. "Is there something about me that would make you think that I, a boy, would like you, another boy, to put his hand on my butt?!"

Kelso paused, unsure of what to say. "Uh... no?"

"Then keep your hands to yourself, butt-slapper!"

Donna stifled a laugh, and Eric just picked up the basketball awkwardly. "Okay..." He said. "Let's just play some ball."

"Alright, uh, me and Fez are shirts, you and Donna be skins?"

Donna laughed. "Once again, Kelso, you're not gonna fool me into being skins!"

"Ah, loosen up, Big D." Kelso began to pull off his shirt. "Fine, we'll be skins!" He threw his shirt to Izzy, who caught it and tossed it to the side. She was watching Fez, who kept glancing nervously at Kelso.

"Ooh, look at Mr. Handsome, taking his shirt off!" He laughed awkwardly. "As if that were something that I would dream about..."

Izzy jumped off the hood of the Cruiser, joining the others in the driveway. "Fez, are you good?"

"It's just... okay. Um..." He scratched the back of his neck uncomfortably. "Has anyone ever had a dream where you were with a girl?"

"Oh, hell yeah." Eric said quickly. "With Miss October."

Donna's eyes widened. "Hey!"

"A- And you know what I said to her? I said, 'Get the hell out of my dream, Miss October, I'm Donna's man!'"

Fez nodded. "Now... have any of you ever had a dream where you were with the opposite of a girl?"

There was a pause, where everyone tried to work out what that meant.

"Oh!" Kelso finally said. "Two girls? Sure."

"See, I had a dream... and it was erotic." Everyone leaned a little closer to Fez. "And... it was about Kelso!"

Kelso immediately screamed like a little girl and grabbed his shirt off the ground, trying to cover his abs with it. Donna gasped, and Eric started giggling like crazy. Izzy raised her eyebrows, her mouth slightly agape.

"Wow!" Donna said. "That is awesome! Fez, you gotta tell us about this dream!"

Kelso's face blanched. "Wh- no, you don't gotta!"

"Fez, tell us what happened." Izzy said quietly, trying to calm him down.

Eric held up a finger. "And don't be afraid to use colorful words. You know, like sweaty, or fondle, or forbidden- okay go ahead!"

Fez took in a shaky breath. "Well, Kelso was a nurse." He paused. "And there was... sponging." Kelso whined loudly. "B- But hey! Maybe... Maybe the dream continued, and we went to find some girls!"

"Well, did it continue?!" Kelso asked.

"No!" Fez threw his hands in the air. "Oh, what could this mean?"

Kelso sighed loudly, pulling his shirt back on. "Well, isn't it obvious? It means that I'm gay!"

-

A few hours later, Izzy found Fez sitting in the basement alone.

"Hey, buddy." She said, sitting down next to him on the couch. "You doing okay?"

He looked at her with wide eyes. "I do not love Kelso!"

"I know," she laughed. "I know!" She paused, swallowing thickly. She didn't know how to go about this conversation. She knew what she wanted to say, and she knew what would make him feel better, but... getting there would be hard. "I know you don't love Kelso. But... do you like him?"

His eyes, almost comically, widened even more. "Wh-"

"You know..." She said, cutting him off. She gave a nervous laugh, picking at the fabric on her skirt. "Are you maybe... attracted to him? The same way you were with Nina?"

His face paled slightly and he looked down at his hands. "No, no." He said quickly. "No, because that would be weird and unnatural a- and... and..." He laughed nervously. "Like everything my host parents have told me."

Izzy's heart sank. "Yeah, they may have told you some things." There was a pause. "Like they told you rock is the devil's music, and weed is the devil's lettuce..." She smiled slightly, taking his hand in hers. "And those both turned out to be fine."

She laughed. "Remember when you were totally convinced rock was evil? And then Steven and I played Iron Butterfly for you and you forgot everything your host parents had said."

"Yeah, but..."