Izzy was sitting on Hyde's lap in the basement, trying to throw pieces of popcorn into Kelso's mouth across the room as he tried to throw some into her overalls pocket. As they did this, Donna was trying to convince Jackie to accompany her to karate class.

"Really, Jackie? I'm telling you, everyone could use some self-defense lessons."

Jackie rolled her eyes. "And I'm telling you, I'm too pretty to have to defend myself! I always have a boy around to do it for me. Like last week at the mall!"

Eric looked over at the brunette. "For the last time, Jackie. My girlfriend isn't a boy."

"Jackie," Donna said. "A man was trying to steal your purse. If I hadn't been there-"

"Yeah, but you were! And if you're not around, then I have Nick, or Michael, or Mr. Forman!"

Donna sighed. "Well, do you have anything better to do today?"

Jackie considered the question, and her smile flickered. "Nick is visiting family in Massachusetts this week..." She groaned. "Ugh, fine! I'll go."

"Oh my god," a voice behind them said. They all turned around to see Red and Kitty in the basement. Kitty began unloading the clean laundry into the dryer, but Red just stood there and stared at everyone. "There's a hundred morons in my basement." He paused. "But that's okay! Not even that can ruin this day!"

Eric nodded. "Yes. One man--and only one man--has the power to ruin his day." He pointed at himself. "'Tis I."

"Nope, not even you can do it!" Red paused. "But really, who the hell talks like that?"

"Now now, Red," Kitty said. "You were happy, remember?"

Red nodded and went to look in the back room for his fishing rod. "Right, Kitty! Great weather outside, and I'm spending the day fishing."

Kitty laughed. "Well, I'll come with you! Grab a fishing stick for me!"

"I don't wanna go."

"What?" Kitty asked confusedly. "Why not?"

"Because I don't want you to go."

Kelso's eyes widened. "Wha-ho! Burn!"

Red shot Kelso a glare and turned back to his wife. "Really, honey. You'd hate it! It's hot, and boring... and we both know you only like boats if they hold gravy."

Kelso threw his hands into the air, about to yell again. Before he could, Red grabbed his wrists and forced his arms back down.

"Nonsense," Kitty said. "We're going fishing, and we're gonna have fun. And that's that!"

"Yeah," Red grumbled. "That's that."

The two of them climbed back up the stairs, and Jackie nudged Donna. "C'mon, let's go do your manish, unladylike... thing."

"It's called karate class, Jackie. You can say it," Donna said, getting up and grabbing her coat.

Jackie shook her head. "I'm not allowed to say the k-word. It yields a sweaty connotation." The others laughed at Donna's expense and said a quick goodbye to the girls. When the door shut behind them, Izzy jumped up.

"Okay, I only have enough for five, so I had to wait until two of us left," she said, rushing to the shelf against the back wall. "So you guys are the lucky four!"

Eric knit his brow. "Lucky four for what?"

Izzy opened the Scrabble box and pulled out a paper bag. "My friend Olivia went to San Francisco on a family vacation, came back last week and brought me this from Haight-Ashbury."

Hyde's eyes widened. "No shit, Izzy Bee!"

"Yes shit! Now that I'm not pregnant-"

"You were pregnant?!" Eric yelled, the shock wildly evident on his face.

Izzy grinned. "Nope. Thought I was, and it scared the shit outta me. I'm nineteen and moving away in T-minus four months; needless to say, I would not fare well if I got pregnant now. Thankfully, I'm not, so we can finally use... this!"

Kelso laughed loudly. "Alright, Forwoman!"

"Oh, I love you, lady!" Fez said excitedly.

"Plus," Hyde said. "It's from Haight-Ashbury. You guys know all the wild shit that goes on over there."

Kelso giggled. "Californians are weird, man."

Eric held up his hands. "Whoa whoa, can we go back to the fact that you were almost pregnant?!"

Izzy shrugged. "It's not a big deal. Happened with Jackie. Donna, too. You know this, Eric."

Fez's eyes widened. "You are finally one of the girls!"

"Wait a sec," Kelso said slowly. "Every time you have sex... isn't the girl always almost pregnant?"

Hyde chuckled. "Man, we haven't even started the circle yet. Save those thoughts for later."

"Will do!"

-

"Man," Kelso said, blinking through the smoke. "The only thing that can ruin today is if the Russians set off that Russian death ray that's pointed at the white house!" He giggled, then his smile dropped. "No, seriously. I read about it in a magazine."

Eric looked at his tall friend knowingly. "Kelso, that was The Flash. And it is a comic book."

"I love comic books!" Fez said excitedly. "I wish I had thought bubbles." He screwed up his face, thinking as hard as he could. "You see anything?"

"The Russians don't have a death ray, you don't need to worry about that," Izzy said.

Hyde shook his head. "No, they do not. But they do have a stupid ray, and it's pointed directly at you, Kelso."

"Nuh-uh. The Russians do have a death ray, and I'll prove it!" Kelso said, pulling the basement phone onto his lap. He picked up the receiver and dialled zero. "Operator? Uh, gimme the white house!"

"Kelso!" Eric scolded. "We're not allowed to make long-distance calls without permission."

Kelso ignored his friend and listened closely to the telephone, laughing. "Awesome! I'm on hold, and they're playing the theme song to the president!"

Izzy raised her eyebrows. "Hail to the Chief."

"Oh, thanks Forwoman, but I'm trying to enjoy the president's theme song."

Eric pinched the bridge of his nose. "Kelso, if you try to tell the White House that there's a Russian death ray, they're gonna have you committed." He paused. "So yeah, I say go for it."

Kelso chuckled at Eric. "Well obviously they won't admit it. There'd be panic in the streets! That's why you gotta trick 'em into talkin' about it. It's what us cops call Tricking Them," he gasped and clutched the phone tighter. "I'm on!"

He cleared his throat. "Hello? White House? Ye- Yes. I have a couple questions. Yes. Uh... How well is the president protected?" Everyone began to laugh, understanding how that would sound out of context. "Well, because someone wants to hurt the president, that's why! I- You're damn right it's a threat, it's a terrible threat on the president's life!" Everyone was in stitches by this point, watching Kelso dig his own grave. "What? Where am I right now? I'm in Red Forman's house in Point Place Wison-"

"No!" Everyone yelled, lunging towards him to pull the phone out of his hands.

Hyde was the one who was able to grab it and hang up. "You idiot, you just told them where we are!" He yelled.

"So?"

"Kelso," Izzy said, her eyes wide. "You just threatened the president's life! They're gonna come here and arrest us!"

Kelso shook his head. "No. No, I'm not threatening his life! It's the Russians that have the Russian death ray!"

"You didn't mention the death ray!" Fez exclaimed.

Kelso pointed at Fez. "A-ha! So you admit that there's a death ray."

-

Kelso peered through the living room curtains nervously. "There's a black Ford Sedan outside. Izzy's right, the feds found us."

"Damn it, Kelso!" Hyde said angrily. "You finally figure out how to use a phone, now we're all going to jail!"

Eric looked out the window. "Look, I think you guys are overreacting. There's no way the government would park a car right outside my house."

"Forman," Hyde said. "Anything you think the government's not doing, they are doing. The only thing they didn't do is land the man on the moon! No, no, no. Spielberg shot the entire thing in a Hollywood movie set. That's how he got the job for Jaws!"

"Guys," Fez said nervously, "if that's the feds' car outside, we better dispose of the evidence right now."

-

"Oooh, yeah," Eric giggled, taking another hit. "Good job disposing of all the evidence, you guys."

Izzy's eyes were trained on her fingers as they seemed to dance in the air. "We need to take this seriously, Eric. We've got a lot of evidence to dispose of," she said dreamily.

Kelso nodded. "Even more than we had at the Pink Floyd concert."

"Yes, there is a lot," Fez said. "Without all the smoke machines and lasers, this is just like... punishment."

Hyde rubbed his eyes under his glasses. "Man, I never thought I'd say this, but I wish there were more people to share this with."

-

"This is our third circle. And it hasn't calmed me down at all!" Hyde said shakily. "I feel almost more suspicious than before!"

Fez shut his eyes tightly. "I don't want to get sent back to my home country. If I return in shame, I'll get stoned! And then, they'll throw rocks at me!"

"Everybody, just settle down, okay?!" Eric yelled. "Settle down! You are all losing your minds! Who is- Who's yelling?!"

Izzy ran her hands up and down her arms. "We all just need... to keep... calm." There was a knock at the door, and they all jumped.

"That's it, we're all gonna die!" Eric yelled.

The group all got up and cautiously made their way to the door. Eric peered through the peephole. "It's okay," Kelso said. "It's okay, I know what to do. Eric, you answer the door. We'll all sneak out the back."

"What?!" Eric said.

"Yeah. You'll go to jail, and I'll pull some strings to get you out. Point Place PD has connections with the FBI; one of our dogs transferred from there."

Eric took a deep breath and opened the door. Standing outside was a very official-looking man wearing a suit and a suspicious earpiece. He looked confused. "May I speak to your parents?"

Izzy sighed and shook her head. "There's no need. It was mine, and I'll go quietly."

She took a few steps forward, and Hyde yanked her back by the fabric of her top. "No, Izzy Bee," he whisper-yelled. "We're sacrificing Forman."

Kelso nodded. "Not you, Forwoman. But your brother, Forman. Y'know, it's so confusing that there are two different Formans. But there are five Formans. But two are here. But I used to have sex with one. And I'm scared of two."

The man in the suit looked even more confused now. "Uh... I'm just here to deliver the hand vac that Mrs. Forman ordered."

Kelso looked around, then shoved himself to the front of the group. "Look. I'm the one who called, and all I was sayin' was beware of the death ray!"

"Yeah," the man said awkwardly. "I'll do that." He handed Eric the vacuum. "By the way, the whole neighborhood can smell what you're doing."

When the door closed behind him, Kelso had a crazed look in his eyes. "Did you see the earpiece?! He's definitely FBI! There's no other reason why a man would be wearing an earpiece."

"Guys, I read about this," Hyde said. "That's the recon guy. He's the one that plants the bugs!"

Fez gasped and began flailing around. "I hate bugs! Is it on me?! Is it on me?!"

Izzy put her hands on Fez's shoulders to stabilize him. "No, no. Not like a bug, like a- like a bug. A- A microphone."

"Oh my god," Eric breathed, staring at the vacuum. "We've been infiltrated." He set it down carefully on the ground. "Okay, if this vacuum is bugged, the FBI could be listening to us right now."

Fez nodded. "Well, I think the important thing is to stick together."

"You know what? You are absolutely right, Fez. This is all for one, and one for all." He leaned into the vacuum. In a low whisper (which wasn't as low as he thought) Eric said, "You're looking for Michael Kelso!"

Kelso's eyes grew to the size of saucers. "Are you- I- Quit it!"

"No, I'm not gonna quit it! This is all your fault! You called the White House!"

"My fault? This is my fault?! This is Izzy's fault, cause she's the one with the pregnancy scare and the weird hippie friends!"

"Don't bring my girlfriend into this, you national threat bozo!" Hyde yelled.

Fez waved his hands. "I agree! Go easy on the girl! I bet you clowns wanted to celebrate like this after your girlfriends turned out not to be pregnant, too!"

Kelso turned to Fez slowly. "My girlfriend did get pregnant!"

"Will you guys shut up?!" Izzy yelled over the overlapping noise. They did, and she smiled, a little proud of herself. The smile went away quickly when she pointed to the vacuum. "This is what they want. They want us to turn on each other, get us to pick ourselves off, one by one. Then we'll be putty in their hands! Must we all descend into madness?"

"Oh my god, you're right," Eric said. "And I bet they're listening to our madness right now, through the v-a-c-u-u-m."

The gang paused, trying to assemble the letters in their foggy minds. After a moment, Hyde breathed out an, "Oh. It spells vacuum."

"Whoa," Kelso said. "Vacuum has two U's in it? Nah, that's messed up."

Fez looked at the vacuum nervously. "Okay, well... maybe we should turn it on and see if it is really a vacuum. And if it is, maybe we should tidy up a bit."

Eric nodded and slowly walked over to the vacuum, everyone following close behind. Kelso grabbed an umbrella and handed it to Eric, who used it to turn it on.

When the noise started, everyone started screaming. Hyde kicked the vacuum onto its side, and they all began stomping the life out of it. When the moment of chaos passed, they all stood back, realizing what they had done.

"Wait, one question:" Kelso said, "if it really was bugged, couldn't we have just put it outside?"

Hyde clenched his jaw. "Damn. When Kelso's the only one thinkin' straight, we're in trouble," he turned to face the others. "Guys, we're making too many mistakes. We need to sit down and figure this out."

-

"Oh man, this is starting to feel like work," Hyde said, handing his sunglasses to Izzy, who put them on.

"Whoa," she breathed, getting woozy. "Now I see why you wear these. They make everything... dark. It doesn't hurt my... what's the word?" Her words were as sluggish as she felt. "My brain... case. My noggin. My head. Yeah, that's it. Head."

Hyde sighed. "Feds have ruined the circle, man. The circle sucks. That's right, I said it."

Kelso gasped, offended. "Hey. This circle is the only thing keepin' us sharp! If it weren't for the circle, we'd have no idea that the feds were surrounding us, planting bugs everywhere, watchin' our every move. So I say thank you to the circle!"

"I just want everyone to know," Eric took a deep breath, puffing his chest out. "I'm prepared to fight my way out of here."

-

"I cannot believe it," Fez mumbled as the gang all crowded around the sliding glass door. "Now they have a surveillance van outside! I hope they're not taking pictures, I'm a little puffy."

Eric scowled. "Man, this has gone too far! We didn't even do anything wrong."

Kelso shook his head. "What kinda country is this if you can't make one threatening phone call to the While House?"

"Yeah," Izzy agreed. "There should be a one-time-use pass that everyone has. Everyone gets one threatening call to the White House."

"Let's find out what's really going on here," Hyde said. He opened the door, and they all sneaked out into the warm outside world. Behind Hyde and Izzy, Eric had pulled out his toy lightsaber and was menacingly hitting it against the palm of his other hand.

Izzy turned around and looked at her brother. "Eric? You know that's not real, right?"

"I know."

Hyde raised an eyebrow. "Not even if you really, really believe?"

"I don't." The couple shrugged and walked off, and Eric looked down at his precious red lightsaber. "Don't let me down, baby."

-

The gang stood behind the van, looking at its doors. There was a strange slogan painted onto them, one that they normally wouldn't suspect from the FBI.

"Wait a minute," Fez said. "It's just a dog-catcher van."

"Or, hello, that's just what the feds want us to think!" Eric whispered loudly.

Fez looked confused. "But I just heard dogs barking inside."

"It's obviously a tape recording of trained dogs!" Hyde said.

Izzy nodded and pointed at Hyde. "He's right. The barking is too self-conscious, it sounds like Eric's night terrors."

Kelso shook his head. "But a dog catcher van would never just say dog catcher on the side of it. Cause otherwise, the dogs would just see it and run away."

"Steven, get that door," Izzy said, pointing to the one closest to him. He nodded, and they each took a handle. "Ready? One... two... three!"

They screamed in preparation for feds as the doors opened, but they were met with several dogs running out of the van and down the street.

"I don't understand," Fez muttered.

"Look," Hyde said. "I dunno if it's the fresh air talkin', but I'm starting to think this whole thing was just our imagination."

Eric nodded. "You know what, you guys? Maybe we just need to let this whole fantasy world of ours go- whoa! Sorry, Iz. Almost cut you in half with my lightsaber there."

-

"Okay, so there's just one thing I don't get," Kelso said, back on the comfortable basement couch next to Eric. "If nobody was after us all day, then why did the feds send a spy vacuum?"

Fez glared at him. "Why don't you call them up and ask?"

Kelso thought for a moment, then nodded. "Good idea."

He reached for the phone, but Izzy was quicker. "No!" She yelled. "You lose phone privileges for a week-"

"Two weeks," Hyde added.

"Two weeks!"

Kelso let out a childish whine and stomped his feet against the basement floor. "You guys suck!"

Eric giggled. "Who knew Hyde and Izzy could be such parents, yet such burnouts?"

Hyde scrunched his nose. "Man, I haven't burned out this hard in years. I'd do it all again tomorrow, but I'm exhausted. I'm gonna have to go back to work."

There was a pause, then Fez leaned back in his chair. "Speaking of beautiful women-"

"We weren't talking about beautiful women-" Izzy said.

"Shouldn't Donna and Jackie be home by now?"

As if on queue, the basement door was thrown open. Jackie and Donna rushed in, breathing heavily.

"Oh my god," Jackie said. "There's a pack of wild dogs loose, and I had to climb to the top of this giant thing to get away from them!"

Donna looked at Jackie angrily. "That was me."

"Dogs, huh?" Fez said with a sheepish smile.

Donna's eyes scanned the group and their guilty faces. "What did you guys do?!"

"Nothing!" Eric said immediately. "Kelso thought there was a death ray, so we called the White House, and the feds came, but..." he took a breath, "it was just a vacuum."

"Okay, I'm cutting you guys off," Donna looked around the basement. "Where's your stash?"

Kelso had a faraway look in his eye. "It's all gone, man."