Jungkook

I slowly retract my hand as my insides quickly go to mush. Who is this woman and why would she make such a statement about me? There is good in me? She does not know me. While I am sincerely concerned for her husband, I cannot deny my past. I gather my thoughts, clear my throat to push back feelings that I'm sure will overwhelm me if I stand here one second longer. Fuck, what is happening to me. This is not me; I tell myself as I make a quick retreat back to the front compartment.

My head is fogged as I move between compartments. I cannot feel my body, yet I know I am moving. What just happened? He was beyond the edge of life. There was no breath in him, no heartbeat, and no flow of blood. Death had him in its mighty grip. In those brief minutes with him I experienced something unbelievable. It was just a faction of time, yet so much happened. There was a darkness, and a cold emptiness. Was it death itself? And suddenly a powerful light that was wonderfully warm and beautiful. Fuck, what the hell am I thinking? Light and darkness? This is insanity! It wasn't real. Quiet! I tell my head as I drop into my seat.

"Fuck," I mumble combing my fingers through my hair as a cold chill pass through me. My hands start shaking uncontrollably as my thoughts run amuck. I must get a grip on myself. Mr. Min, Alaska, and most of all Kim Taehyung. "Shit! He's a doctor!" I chant as I close my eyes tightly and shake my head while gripping the armrest.

My body starts to tremble as a surge of heat rushes over me. I open several buttons of my shirt and reach up to increase the flow of cool air. I begin pulling in and releasing slow deep breaths. Suddenly, I have a sensation to vomit, and leap from my seat and run into the bathroom. Fortunately, this luxury jet's bathroom is quite spacious.

I lock the door, fall to my knees and puke. I heave until there is no more. I feel lightheaded and weak but manage to stand. I splash cold water on my face and pull in deep breaths until my body starts to settle a bit.

I step back pressing my back into the wall and cover my face with both hands. Slowly I slide down the wall to the floor and curl my knees into my chest. I am having a panic attack.

Oh God, I haven't had one since... after she died. "Stop it!" I will my head, but it doesn't listen. I can't go there. I won't go there. "Fight!" I shout but my pleas are of no avail. I try to use every ounce of strength that is in me, however it is not enough. The experience with Mr. Min has drained me emotionally and mentally. I am a victim of my past and it rolls over me like a juggernaut as I travel back in time.

Christmas 16 years ago

Author's POV

It is early morning, and the sun has just risen as the door to the child's room slowly opens. A beautiful young woman draws the curtains back illuminating the colorful child space. She goes over to the bed where a young child is bundled up in a warm blanket cuddling a teddy bear. She sighs and brings her hands to her chest as her eyes and smile show an abundance of love for the little one. She giggles and then leaps onto the bed.

"Wake-up my little Christmas bunny! It's Christmas morning and all sleepy heads have to wake-up." She giggles as the small boy's eye jump alive.

"Is it Christmas mommy? Did Santa come?" Excitedly he jumps up.

"Yes, my little rabbit! It is Christmas!" His mother tells him in the sweetest voice with big beautiful sparkling eyes.

"Mommy I tried to wait for Santa, but I got sleepy! Did he eat the cookies we made for him?" The child says gleefully with wide open eyes that gleam.

"Well, come see. I don't know. When I went to bed the Christmas, tree was bare." His mother places a kiss on the top of his head.

"Oh no! Santa didn't bring me any presents!" The small boy slumps and lowers his chin to his chest.

"Bunny, you have been a very good boy. So, I cannot believe Santa would pass our house." His mother tells him as she places two fingers under her child's chin and slowly lifts. She sees wet eyes.

"Little rabbit, what's wrong? No sad faces on Christmas."

"Mommy I think Santa passed our house," The precious child says as a tear moves down his puffy little cheek.

"Now why would Santa do that my baby bunny?"

"I-I was not always good, mommy." Little Jungkook says as he wipes his eyes using his pajama sleeve.

"What? Are you kidding me? I don't believe that." She says with exaggeration as she tosses her arms up.

"I-I wet my bed and did not tell you a few times. I was embarrassed mommy." He says diverting his eyes downward as he pulls his teddy to him.

"Oh Bunny, Santa knows you try really hard, and you don't have to be ashamed or perfect." She smiles softly and wraps her arm gently around her son.

"No mommy. But father says I'm too old to wet my bed. I-I don't want to wet it. But it was an accident."

"Little Bambi, it is okay. I will talk to father. We both love you so much."

The small Jungkook continues to look down as he fidgets with his teddy's ear.

"I think Santa knows you are a very good boy. Let's go see." She pulls him out of bed to his feet.

"Really mommy?" His eyes pop with light followed by giggles.

"Really my perfect little carrot sprout." She says as she taps her finger to his nose.

He then hears another chuckle and standing in the doorway with a big smile is a very handsome man. Jungkook leaps up and run to him.

"Father! Father! You came home!" The boy leaps into his arms. The man kisses his cheek repeatedly and hugs his child tightly lifting him up. He cuddles him tight before placing his feet to the floor.

"My sweet bunny. You are father's perfect little man. Mother and I will always love you no matter what. You are my good little boy. Always." He tells his son as his eyes flood with tears.

Young Jungkook's POV

Father had a very important job, and he travels often. We do very special things together when he comes home. But mommy and I have the most fun like every day. I miss father but he calls every night he's away and reads me a special story. We are reading a book about a very mischievous little pig name Petunia. She gets into all kinds of trouble with the other farm animals. It is very funny, and father does all the animal voices.

Mother says father will be here all week and we will do lots of fun things together. I cannot help but to bounce with excitement. As mother tells me this, she and father look into each other's eyes. It is funny because they seem to be frozen sometimes and it makes me laugh. They look at each other in a different way than they look at me. I think it is very special. They hug and kiss a lot and I always giggle. But mommy hugs and kisses me more. I love mommy and father so much.

I run downstairs to our Christmas tree, and it is overflowing with many presents. A bike, a race car set, a sled, and lots of other toys. I give father and mother very special gifts I made at school. They are both very happy and hug me a lot. Then father tells me and mother that he has a special surprise. He will no longer be traveling and will be home with us every night. Mother cries happy tears and said that all of us being together is the best gift ever. It is all so perfect. It was the best Christmas ever.

Father goes on his last work trip a week later. We had so much fun together at Christmas and the days after. Father and mother took me sledding, ice skating and we even had a snowball fight. It was so much fun. We are almost finish reading about Petunia. Father says we will finish when he comes home. I vibrate with excitement. Mommy and I are very excited about father returning tomorrow. Mother picks me up from school.

"Mommy can we get ice cream?"

"Oh bunny, I have lots to do to prepare for father's arrival. How about tomorrow when father arrives?"

"Please mommy, please!" I pout.

"I cannot resist my cute little bunny's secret weapon. That adorable pout. How about we get the ice cream and bring it home to eat?"

"Yes mommy! Ice cream!" I shout as mother leave the school parking lot in the direction opposite of our home in route to the ice cream shop.

Adult Jungkook's POV

That was my last memory before waking in a hospital bed 2 weeks later with father by my side. It was the first time that I saw father cry. He told me that mother was gone. It was very difficult for my 10-year-old brain to understand death. Even though he said she was an angel.

When my mother took me for ice cream our vehicle was hit by a drunk driver, and she was killed immediately. I sustained a head injury and was in a coma for 2 weeks.

I cried uncontrollably. Father consoled me as best he could, but his embrace was different. Not like the embraces he had given me when my mother was alive. Gone was the warmth and the safety that I felt in his arms. It was like a light went out when mother died.

My father's world was mother and I. He was unable to cope without her. He sunk into a deep dark place. My care was largely left to a nanny that I did not like. She wasn't mean she just was not mother. All touch and affection were immediately lost. I rarely saw father who spent much of his time locked away in his room. When I did see him, he found it difficult to look at me and I could tell he had been crying. I was always told I had my mother's smile and eyes. I believed I reminded him of her, and he no longer wanted me. Several months after mother died, he started traveling again for work.

Gone were his hugs, his smile, his praise, and his love. Fun and laughter no longer resided in my home and my life. We never finished my book about Petunia, the mischievous little pig. Everything worthwhile died with her. Our home that once had been so full of love and life felt like a tomb without her. At night I hugged my teddy and cried myself asleep. Teddy was all I had left of mother.

Six months later father sent me away to boarding school. He said it would be the best thing for me. Even at 10 years of age I knew he was lying. My going to boarding school was the best thing for him. He was always too busy to visit me because of his business. He'd call and say he loved me but other than asking about school there was nothing more. Father was very wealthy and everything I needed or wanted was provided. Unfortunately, what I wanted most money could not buy. I wanted his love and attention back. That evidently was conditional on mother being alive. And most of all I wanted her. Mommy.

Every Christmas that followed father would call and send me gifts that I knew his secretary picked out. He didn't know me. We never talked about her. The older I got the more bitter I grew. I didn't need him. The drive was on in me to be the best I could at business and making money. I'd show him I didn't need him or his money. What did my loving him do for me? He left me when I needed him most.

Several years later when I was 15, he called me. He told he loved me and wanted me to come home. He said he had fallen into a terrible depression and has gotten medical help. He told me that he never stopped loving me. He was sorry about not being present for me during our most difficult time. That bastard had the audacity to mention mother after all of these years. The phone went quiet, and I heard him ask if I was there.

"Bunny, are you there?"

"Don't call me that and you can go to hell!" I shouted and disconnected his call. I have not talked to him since. He sends me cards and emails. He says that he will never stop reaching for me and prays that one day I can find forgiveness in my heart for him. He has followed my career and tells me he is proud of me. I don't read his emails, but I see he has learned to put his notes in the subject line. However, there is a part of me that cannot delete his emails or toss out his letters.

The biggest love in my young life was mother and she is forever gone. She was pure, sweet, and a perfect angel. I was her little bunny and she loved me so much.

There was a part of me that just wanted father to see me and love me. But it all got twisted somehow. My bitterness and anger changed to disgust, hate and guilt. I hated most people and used them to my benefit. Whether it was for business, making money or even sex. They served no other purpose. Lastly was guilt. I believe that I killed mother. Why did I have to have that ice cream? Mother was wrong. I was a very bad boy.

End of backstory

I finally calm down, wash my hands, and make my way back to my seat. I tell myself to leave the past where it belongs, in the past. But something has changed. There is a part of me that is different in some way ever since that incident with Mr. Min.

I saw the look of fear in Tae's eyes as he scattered quickly to get his backpack and heard the panic in Yeona's voice. She was pale as a ghost. I had to follow. It is not like me to get involved in the stuff of others. But in that moment, something pushed me forward, if not my curiosity. When I saw Mr. Min slumped over in his seat and Tae and Yeona struggling to lift him, stepping in to lend aid was just natural. I didn't think about it. I just acted. For some reason being of service felt the right thing to do.

When Mrs. Min took my hand and looked into my eyes there was an unexplainable release. A lifting of my bitterness and anger. An overwhelming feeling of being safe. I now feel a hallow in my chest and have a longing that I am unfamiliar with. A longing to fill that hollow space. But how?

I can't help but think of Kim Taehyung. I bite down on my lip looking out of the window. I see only clouds that break with blue below. It is the expanse of the ocean. I also see the plane's wing and chuckle as I recall what Tae said to me about taking a seat on the wing. He is a little fighter and I really like that. The clouds open up and the ocean is so beautiful. It reminds me of the blueness of Tae's hair that is actually gorgeous. I grit my teeth as I think of how incredibly awful, I was to him.

I assumed he was a..., "Fuck!" I shout hitting my armrest again and again. He hates me and I know I deserve it. I'm a royal prick and I've liked it that way or so I thought. My logical brain fights to rationalize my terrible behavior from earlier. He was a rude son-of-a-bitch. He's so, so.... Oh God he's so fucking hot! He's smart, witty, clever, and has a cute filthy mouth. I again chuckle. What is this stir he is causing in me? How do I stop it? I shake my head going from thoughts of him being amazing to cursing myself for being weak, and disgusting.

Fuck! Alaska, I'll freeze my ass off. For some reason seeing Taehyung save Mr. Min has moved something deep in me. It reminds me of a time I want to forget. It's as if the good boy in me is fighting to come out. The good boy that mother and even once father saw in me. I am no longer 10 years old.

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Happy New Year!

Has Jungkook changed for good?

How will Tae react to him given their earlier encounters?

Could Tae ever see Jungkook as his someone special?

Will Jungkook forgive his father?

Can they have a relationship after so much pain?

episodes**