《diagnosed》april 27, 2017
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thursday, end of the second week of testing (this week is english)
7:32 pm
i'm so fucking tired. i hate myself. i want to die.
oh well here's a little backstory woop
today was a fairly decent day. i copied down some writing in spanish bc my teacher said to but this guy next to me (who i'm a little mean to but like as a joke he a pretty decent dude) send me the second part of it w/o he answers bc the directions were confusing but i'm grateful bc i did want to type it all up anyways. in english we did our state testing and i didn't get to the essay section yet and i have to fix my first response. in harmonia my eyes got red and i started crying a bit but since i didn't have my allergy eyedrops i used my contact eyedrops and it was ok for a while. during lunch i didn't go to the library and i just stayed with jes, ele, lau, etc. and the rest of the group they were hanging w i knew the majority of them. i kinda felt bad not being in the library bc the library is just kinda comforting yk or smth. oh yeah i wrote yeet on my knuckles again and i kinda felt like i was overdoing it a bit to the point of annoyance so i felt bad. my eyes started to act up again in math and
i put more eyedrops in. also i started sniffling a lot again and i messed up a lot in our ticket abt shaded regions, but i turned it in w mostly everything i think. on my way to the car (ari wasnt there bc she had drama rehearsal) i was trying my best to not like cry or wtv but my eyes teared up when we turned into the neighborhood so i tried not to look at her (ari mom) too much. i took out my contacts once I got home and I wanted to take a nap but it's just laid there in bed on my phone. i started to think abt everything wrong w me because today i kinda just felt like crap. if i were to write out every feeling i had today it would take forever. i kinda been crying ever since like 4:30. i sort of want to ask my mom if i can stay home tomorrow because i really don't feel good. but i know i shouldn't bc i have so much to do. also apparently today is "poem in your pocket day" and ari's had a poem that she said was for me yk "with my name on it and everything" it's called complete destruction and i thought it was funny bc well "complete destruction" ahaha me,, my life yk but like thinking abt it now make me so sad. when she gave it to me i was like "i like how you read this title and thought of me" and i also referenced the cat and made the connection to my name.
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i'm not quite sure what it means so i'm going to hang onto this.
but the main thing that's upsetting me is my eyes, i keep saying to people oh i have dry eyes and really bad allergies to explain but idk. i got my contacts in the 30th of last month so i'm getting new ones in a few days but like in of the first day i had a really bad reaction to the pollen on the field during pe and i went to the nurse to reduce the swelling. since then my eyes kept getting a little irritated and like 2-3 days later i got sick. it got better for a while but now i'm just as sick as the beginning i've been sick for about 3 weeks now and i don't know what i'm doing. all this week my eyes have been turning red and i've been crying and i want to to stop so bad.
i have such a low self esteem and self worth. i've been thinking maybe all this irritation in my eyes is a sign that i should wear contacts but i really want to keep wearing them because i feel so much better knowing i have them on. i'm always so concerned about how i look. i just feel so much uglier with the glasses on at my contacts make me not feel that, but frankly I think it's doing more harm than good. i do so much to make myself feel prettier i don't, i can't do that anymore because of my current sickly state. i'm tired. i'm just so sick and tired. i want to be pretty. i want to be loved, it doesn't have to be romantically or anything like that. i just want to no that someone is out there for my whenever i'm down. someone who i know i can rely on and trust and i don't feel will judge me, because there's so such you can judge.
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i don't want to keep writing right now, i'll probably finish this later tonight but i want to stop and keep crying for a while; 8:08 )
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