thursday

10:29 am

it's still summer vacation, although extremely uneventful i'd much rather stay at home doing nothing than go back to school. my freshmen orientation was yesterday. i was there for 3 hours and i'm still confused abt everything lol. why is it that whenever i get happy the day after i doubt everything ?

every time i make a new friend or get closer to someone i tend to doubt their feelings. in my head everyone is fake on the outside. no matter the person, the person who you show to others is and always will be a facade and although there may be aspects that remain fairly similar to the real you it'll take a long time for another person to truly understand you in every way. or maybe that's just me.

idfk but i do know that making "friends" or finding your true best friend takes time that's not the type of shit you can really rush, you either have a connection w someone or don't. shits hard.

nonetheless if you've found your best friend or your soulmate good for you. i wish y'all the best life can offer. but what i'm trying to say is that

no one wears their heart on their sleeve. we as humans typically have a difficult time recovering from extreme emotional damage or at least some damages for that matter, and by exposing the true you out to the world is the ultimate form of that. everybody has a limit. emotions can easily get control of anyone. impulsivity is baggage to all. that's why people hide the real person they are and no matter what people say others opinions hurt maybe you can handle or have learned to deal with it but initially it alway causes some damage. negative reactions to the real you hurts, yk like "hey this is who i am i don't understand why i should receive that much judgement this is me respect that" but no one will listen, they'll try but deep down they will always retain their original thoughts.

people are damn fragile istg

well anyways, i've never had a real best friend. someone i can love and trust with my whole heart. someone i can open up to or rant with. a person who knows me and is accepting of my flaws (i mean how could anyone do that, there's just too many of them). or just someone i can laugh with comfortably. but i'll most likely never find them.

maybe i'm asking for too much, but what can i say, i have high expectations. that's all i can do. i'm not going to go anywhere in life. i just want to end it so i can give way to everyone else who actually wants to try and succeed in life. there's already so much existing competition, why suffer through that when you can simply die and let everyone else gat better chances.

but death isn't that simple and that's what stopping me from commit suicide. death is the final straw. you can't just take a life so easily. ha just goes back to what i said abt people being fragile. we as a species is just so advanced yet with all those advantages people are still so sensitive. what an intelligent species. what a strong species. remarkable. mesmerizing. inspiring.

but not all of them. we've created so much however we've also lost so much. once someone is dead their stories and livelihood end right then a there. people close or around can never fully preserve their legacy. they may try but in the end everyone who dies is the same. dead.