sunday

2:36 am

i think im having more suicidal thoughts than usual lately.

i dont know but this last month, as in ever since school has started once again ive been having such a hard time. its like everything i forgot about and didnt have to deal with over the summer is flooding back up, scratch that, its a damn tsunami coming at me full storm.

i want to say my mental health has been the worst its ever been but i truly have no idea. maybe ive been like this forever and its only suddenly arising more bc if the pressure. or maybe its the pressure causing it in the first place. wow, that sounded so fake deep. idk im pretty darn stupid.

ok, but actually, life has just been so hard for me. its hard to just go day to day without sitting back and thinking to myself "wow you suck, just kill yourself already" or some bullshit along those lines. ive cried multiple times each week i think but then again i have bad memory. ive been struggling on everything i can think of. i suck at doing my work, speaking, getting people to like or trust me, dancing, tennis, sleeping, eating, working out, thinking, paying attention, taking notes, staying on tasks, not being awkward, singing, writing, every type of game, staying off my damn phone or some other electronic bc i has such a short attention span and only want to be entertained. i know theres so much more but listing them off would take a damn eternity. i dont want to live and i dont want to think about living. i have no future ahead of me so what the hell. i should just jump off the her/ota walking bridge like ste liu. why am i even bringing him up i didn't even know the guy. i'm not even remotely in the same situation as him, i shouldn't compare myself. thats just rude, selfish and downright inconsiderate. i hate myself. and im not special for thinking that.

yesterday i had practice for fe but it ended up very team bonding like. i had fun but like alot of the social fun group things i always go home to think about it and cry. ive noticed that with all of thise things of hat caliber, so im pretty sure theres some type of pattern going on. im like 98.9% sure that no one there actually likes me. im just there to be there. its so hard to fit in and even though we say were going to be a family, i dont even really know what that entails bc i hate my family and i hate the way being bear them makes me feel. ive never had a good relationship withmy fmy and none of them know the real me bc even i dont know that.

i thought about it earlier about how i was raised shaped me so much. i really hate being the littlest. when i think about my realationship with my sistera and my family growing up is just them telling me that i need to speak up more and be more social. talk louder and clearer, make friends a binch of other things but im blanking right now. i trusted so many people bc of some kind of false hope not really in the person but in me, i think. everyone i was close to i never really talk to anymore or am close to at all. sure i can keep up a conversation with them but thats just meaningless talk. i dont really have friends.

i dont have anyone i can lean on or trust bc i always seem to eventually get a vibe that they would judge me or exclude me or some other bs bc im a terrible judge of character and am overly critical and such a hypocrite bc i expect so much out of others but can never really hit that high standard for myself.

yesterday we ended by having deep conversation and just elling each other about our lives and our problems and just getting comfortable with each other and try to grow this bond of understandign and just a general support system. and at one point it was getting very intimate and i felt like actually sharing me problems and confident enough to share with this group of people that i know would help me and be my support system, but then i dont know, im going to sound like im blaming it one someone else but i think its just the matter and subject thats kind of killed hat intimate and safe vibe. eth bol drove by and asked amanda out to hoco and everyone got all aww'd and lovey dovey, then jar pue talked about how his life is good and how his mom loves and misses him but hes busy and never gets ti sed her and then they joked about and old crush and it all lightened the mood but apparently his old crush said something to him about being fat and joking that he'd break the trampolines at skyzone and after bring it up after a few years and she said that she didnt even remember that and apologized everyone in our circle was like "oh sorry my ass" and "what a bitch", it also gave me point that if i talked about how i was back in elementary school, like how i was a pretentious bullying otaku weirdo and all that other bullshit, then i would get judged and they would do nothing but think of me as nothing but a bitch.

also i think a little of jealousy sparked bc jared mentioned his great relationship with his mom and then everyone getting all heartbroken bc they cant spend time together. so at that point i realized if i wanted to talk i couldnt really mention me in elementary or my family dynamics, which is kinda all the stuff i wanted to mentions bc its something no one really knows my perspective on or really hears me mention.

also i kept getting the feeling no one really wanted me there or liked my presence bc the guys i dont even really every talk to were teasingly mocking me and abby called me out and was kinda angrily saying that i borrowed her charger and had ti give i back bc she was leaving and i was kinda taken aback bc i leo saying that, hey i didnt use your charger i literally brought my own and she kinda got a little accusational. i know that isnt really a big deal but it gave my an off feeling bc i alway overthing. also i always get pretty ignored when i start to join in on other people's conversations bc i dont really have a main group to talk to so i just hang out with everyone bc i dont really have a place. but then i just feel like im intruding and like im that friend that no one really limes and showed up to a party she didnt really get formally invited to but though it would be fine bc she was cool w everyone there but in reality no one told her bc shes and buzzkill and tries to hard to fit in.

idk.

i have more to say but ive been at this for a little over an hour and started bawling my eyes out and had an imaginary talk to that griup circle about some of the things i wouldve said then realized that it was pretty pointless so i just went back ti being a downer on here.

again ill leave this unfinished bc it takes up so much time and its so hard to put all in words so heres another incomplete entry that ill read back and be like wow i had so mcub more to stay that i didnt and end up writing again in like five months or days or weeks or hell i dont fucking know, its whatever.