friday, fall break and i have so much work to do

7:39 pm

i dont know if i mentioned it before, but i've settled on killing myself at the end of this school year. i'm thinking on the pedestrian bridge next to my school like somebody my eldest sister back in 2013. looking into it his reasons are completely different than mine, but he died from the jump so i probably will too. but idk i was thinking get some pills and hide until someone tried to find me which by then would be too late or hanging myself but thats hard to support.

im on fall break, i have four days left not counting today and i have 2 chapters of apwh notes and key terms to do, and entire chapters worth of a math packet, dialectical journals on the first ten chapters of lotf, 80 problems worth of math late hw, and 5 missing assignments to do for apwh.

im only halfway through the math packet and have written the title for my note taking page.

but thats not why im stressed. or at least not all of it.

i hate my family and my family hates me. i have now transitioned from the unproblematic and quiet daughter to the least favorite, easily aggravated daughter that is "always yelling for no damn reason".

i dont even mean to yell, i dont even realize in yelling. in my head im raising my voice bc someone else rose their voice and kept ranting abt how shitty or stupid if a person i am. or at least thats how i translated it in my head.

im not clinically diagnosed, or have gotten real therapy besides online counseling by texting 741-741, but im pretty damn sure im depressed. now i dont know how bad it is, but i do know that my entire family knows about my problems and that my eldest sister and my mom have depression, so its genetic, fun!

again, i don't know if i mentioned this but when i decided that i really actually do want to kill myself, it was when i wrote on my mirror kinda like an indirect call for help that i want to get help or let someone know. im a wimp so i cant do it myself. i also left a note on my moms laptop kinda like a letter that i think im depressed and suicidal and want to get help. now i know i cant expect that from others so it makes sense that that has never happened especially bc i responded so harshly when confronted abt it.

i have developed a very dismissive and agreeable attitude towards my mom and my sisters because ive realized that they don't give a crap about me. i can tell my dads trying to do more stuff with me because my mom have told him and has revealed to me thats they're "both worried and think i need help" (and every single goddamn fucking time that bitch i call my mom mentions that she thinks i need help i respond with something along the lines of "then go ahead fuckig get me help, bring me to the therapist, the hospital, whatever the fuck you want to like youve been saying this entire fucking time, bc you keep sayig that and you're too stupid to listen and follow through with your word". and all she says back is some stupid surface level thing and half the time its always turning the blame back on me or telling me she "dont want to hear the fuck fuck you/f you f you word".

i know its its mean and disrespectful to respond back like that but i dont carr anymore and ive lost any and all respect for her at this point. that stubborn bitch is a fool and pushover that we all just l o v e to step all over and criticize bc shes a complete and utter idiot who never listens to me when i tell her to go to sleep at 4am when shes cleaning the kitchen everyday or eat a banana and get some fiber so you stop complaining about your stomach hurting and your fucking diarrhea from stuffing your face at a buffet. which is some thing that happened within the last 24 hrs which something along those line always happens every single goddamn fucking day.

everytime i lash out at her i realize that all she is TO ME at this point is just some jesus freak that gave birth to me, gives me food and rides, and loves to criticize me.

as for my sister, she sides with my mom and hates me. she know about my suicidal thoughts and possible depression bc at some point i was tricked into believing her when she said that she cared for me and wanted to get closer. what a lie.

all she does now is raise her voice and get mad at me because,

"what did you say [x3]... GOD there you go, you know nobody's ever going to listen to you if you t a l k l i k e t h i s."

and then when i tell her to stop and that i know that and annoyed she tells me to stop yelling and is just mad at me and if we get in trouble for fighting she blames me and tells me i started it.

i know im getting so defensive about how im acting but when its something thats hard yo put in words because its really something you have to live through time and time again with people thats are supposed to love you and listen and care about you when you got the point a long time ago and its because they're getting on your nerves that you're acting this way, it becomes something you dont want to be told anything like

"oh, its because you said/did ____"

"its you're fault for ______"

"its your MOM or bc they C A R E"

"yikes, get some help"

"shes so overdramatic"

"ew i hate her [as in me lol]"

or anything negative and criticizing bc the real world already gives enough of that to me. i know this is the internet, i understand what i put out there give other the opportunity to get mad or annoyed and that i should be bothered because of other people's opinions and comments, but this entire thing makes me so vulnerable and i know no one actually knows me or would even read this but the fact that my entire being its out there for anyone to see just like that is scary.

this will continue next part bc this is long hahaha