《diagnosed》nov 30, 2018/dec 1, 2018
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friday
5:41 pm
and now saturday
3:23 pm
i feel like everyone is indirectly trying to convince me to not kill myself this year. i cant burden everyone by dying anytime soon bc some of them actually care about me and vice versa. but i really don't think i should be living. i don't deserve it.
i know i suck at living but that doesn't mean i have to take that away from other people. i wish so fucking badly that going away peacefully was actually a real thing. but honestly even if it was, i probably wouldn't be capable of doing so bc im and honest to god dumbass bitch.
[new day]
man im fucking stupid. im so depressed now and i feel way worse. i could've sworn that yesterday i was getting better and feeling actually kind of motivated. but i had to go and ruin that for myself. im having so much more problems with my mom and the more i think about it, the more i just wish i can build up the strength to kill myself like i planned to earlier this year.
but, now im just stuck. im going to be stuck here forever just like my sisters. im not going to meet anyone or be independent enough to move out. im just
there.
i want to leave so badly. i wish i could actually work hard enough to fucking leave. i just can't. im just going to go through thhe same stupid cycle and get shitty trust issues just like my sister and
OH MY FUCKING GOD EVERYONE IS JUST FUCKING WITH ME I CANT HANDLE IT
i just want to leave
i cant be here anymore i dont want ti stay here any longer i cant be here i cant be here i cant fuckig be here i just want to go away and die and just get away from here i just want to die i have to just die can i just die already i want to kill myself and just i have to kill myself i have to die kill myself and leave i cant be here i cant be here i have to die i have to die i have to kill myself i have to just die already i want to die so badly t
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