Chapter 10

"Candyce?" Ace questions through the door.

I sit perched on my bed with my knees pulled close to my chest. He insisted on knocking on my door every day for the past two weeks. Not once have I answered. I didn't leave my room until I heard him leave his bedroom door and eventually the front door. I still had nothing to say to him or to Caesar. Caesar had been making his stops every now and then unlike Ace, who was here every day.

"Candyce, talk to me son," Caesar had said through the door one day when he thought no one was around.

Little did he know Paryis was sitting on the opposite end of my bed while I painted her toenails a bubblegum shade of pink.

"What he want?" She asked.

"To get on my nerves," I said.

She scrunched up her tiny little nose and rolled her eyes.

"Well he's doing a good job cause this knocking is blowing me, foreal."

I looked up from adding another layer of clear polish over her big toe. I laughed at her, suddenly all too happy to have a little sister. Sure, she was young now. There were certain things I couldn't do with her just yet, like gossip to her about anything in my life, but I knew once she got older, we would be closer than ever. For now, I could listen to her complain about her elementary teachers and friends she beefed with and got back cool with every other day. Listening to her helped me tune out Caesar that day.

But today, I was alone with my thoughts while Paryis was away at some summer camp thing. For the first time ever, I tried to intervene and ask Mama not to send her away. But she insisted that Paryis kept begging her to go since all of her friends were going. I think it warmed her heart to know that I was going to miss Paryis, but Mama wasn't dumb. She knew for me to be relying on Paryis as heavily as I was, something had to be wrong. Not that she asked me about it. Mama wasn't like that. She worried about us, yeah but she wasn't all in our mix like some other big brothers who shall not be named.

"Candyce, I'm sorry aight? Just talk to me bruh," Ace says.

My silent treatment was eating him up. I could tell by how frequent his visits to my door had become. But I couldn't get the urge to speak to him. I would never forgive him for killing Gecko in front of me. He knew that I was the one to find Daddy the day he killed himself. He was there when the nightmares kept me up at night. Yet, he had no problem making me go through that again, except this time was a million times worse. At least I didn't see Daddy pull the trigger. This time, I had to watch as the life left from poor Gecko's eyes. Not only that, I also had to watch the fire ignite in Ace's eyes as he felt the power of taking yet another life. It wasn't something I wanted to witness again.

"You know what? Fuck it man. Stay mad, I guess. Just stay in the house if you don't wanna be with us."

With that Ace's footsteps sounds away from the door. I let out a deep breathe. It was getting harder and harder to hold my tongue.

I wait until the front door open and close downstairs to cross the carpet in my room. With Paryis gone, I was down to one other sibling. Lucky for me, he was my favorite. I knock once then push the door open to his room.

"Hey Twin," I say.

"Shit, Candy!" Simon says.

He looks flustered. When he I peer around him, I realize why. He's caught red-handed. There are dozens of bags of clothes piled near his closet where he was trying to hide them away before I barged in. The tags vary from Louis Vuitton to Target shopping mall. I knew my twin brother, if I knew nothing else. He was not one to shop from Louis Vuitton. Simon didn't even care about trivial shit like designer clothes. He was more into online interaction, anime and games. He was also not the type to boost any of this and then sell it on the street for a cheaper price. Nah, if I knew anything, Simon most likely just took a stroll down Canal Street and picked up what he could without getting noticed.

I forgot to mention, my brother is a kleptomaniac.

"I see you still doing this shit, huh?" I say.

He watches me intensely as I dig through the pile of clothes. His closet is even more packed and I was sure there was a bunch of hiding places around this room that none of us knew about.

"Don't tell Mama, aight?" He says.

"Do I ever?" I reply.

I watch as his shoulders relax after getting my word that I wasn't gonna out him to Mama.

"I just don't understand why you keep doing this? We have money Simon. Whatever you want, Mama or Ace will buy it for you."

"I don't want shit from Ace," Simon says.

That made two of us.

"So you mad at him too?" I say.

Simon doesn't answer. I'm sure there was nothing in particular that Ace did to wind up on Simon's bad side. Ace just left a bad taste in everyone's mouth, but mostly Simon. He felt like I did. He didn't like how Ace felt it was his duty to step into Daddy's role after he died. Daddy and Simon were never close so he really didn't like Ace all in his business. Besides, Ace always had a lecture about how everyone's life should go. Nobody wanted to hear that shit. Not me, not Paryis, not Simon and Jonah wouldn't either, if he was old enough or you know, if he could hear.

"What did he do this time?" Simon asks as he folds up a sweater that probably cost more than our mortgage.

"You know how I was working at the strip club?" I ask.

Simon nods his head for me to continue.

"Well Ace caught me there. He dragged me off stage like a child and he beat up the body guard," I tell him.

There were no secrets between Simon and I. At least, there weren't any secrets until Ace dragged me into his world where apparently, you couldn't trust anybody. So, I do leave out the part about Ace and Caesar going back to put a bullet in Big Tony's head.

"Damn. That's messed up," Simon shakes his head.

I appreciate him not asking why I didn't try to be honest with Ace from the beginning. If anybody knew how frustrating it was to have Ace as a big brother, it was Simon.

"If he embarrassed you like that in the club, why you been running around with him?" He asks.

I hesitate before I respond. I really didn't want to lie to Simon, but I couldn't exactly tell him the truth about Angel and the drive-by either.

"Ace feels like he gotta watch me since I went behind his back and shit. You know him, he was looking for any excuse to follow me around like my own personal guard dog or something," I say.

Simon chuckles.

"That's tough. I couldn't imagine spending a whole day with just Ace. That's why you been ignoring him lately?" Simon asks.

"No. He did some pretty foul shit that hurt my feelings. I don't want to talk about it," I add before he can ask why.

Simon doesn't push me on it either. He continues balling up his illegal items and storing them inside of his closet. We don't say anything else. But it's not awkward between us either. Simon and I have always been okay sharing comfortable silences. It was more his thing than mine, since we all know how much I love to talk my shit, but when we were together, it's like we became one. There was no Candyce or Simon. It was only The Twins.

I lay in his bed and watch him play a game with some friends for awhile. But after he gets fired up and starts screaming obscenities through the mic at one of his playmates, I head out. It never got that serious over a game.

I head downstairs for a snack while I wait for Simon to call it quits with the game. In the kitchen, Jonah is sitting on the stool with a glass of milk too big for his tiny hands. Of course, he wastes it all over himself. I wait just outside of the door while he clambers down from the stool and tries to climb the counter for a paper towel. I'm laughing quietly to myself when I approach him.

He can't hear me coming until I'm next to him. His hearing-aid is in but it doesn't help him hear words. According to his doctor, the most he can hear is faint whispering but to him, it sounds like people trying to talk underwater. They said his hearing would only deteriorate as he aged. By the time he was ten, he wouldn't have any use for his hearing aid altogether.

"Hey Candyce," He signs to me.

"Hey little brother," I say back.

"Can you reach..." Is all I'm able to understand before his tiny fingers and arm gestures become too fast for me.

I reach over him to hand him some paper napkins. I follow behind him with the entire roll in my hand. I help him as he tries to wipe up as much of the spilled milk as he can. Eventually, I sign for him to step back while I take over. When our project is done, he pulls me into his playroom to build Legos with him.

I don't have shit else to do so I let him pull me along. It's fascinating watching him build piece after piece. He's so in the zone, his little tongue hands out of his mouth showing that he's concentrating too hard. I have to go over and kiss and tickle him to make him ease up.

Playing with him, reminds me how out of touch I had been the last two years of his life. After Daddy died, I wanted everyone close to me for fear of life taking any more pieces of my heart to the graveyard with them. After awhile, I guess I got so caught up in my own life, I forgot to check in with the ones who keep my heart beating. At the end of the day, they were all that mattered.

Soon after, Simon joins us. I play with them for a little but unlike me and Simon, they actually have a lot in common. Both of them are more reserved and observant so they enjoy the same games. They start to play checkers which isn't fun for anybody to play, let alone watch, so I excuse myself back to the kitchen. Mama's in there biting into a whole chocolate cake, armored only with a silver fork.

"Now you know you not posed to be eating all this sugar," I say.

"I know. That's why you gon help me."

She slides a fork over to me and I gladly take it. I was a feign for chocolate and she knew it. It was one the things we used to bond over when I was still young and life was less complicated.

"How you doing today, Ma?" I ask her.

"Same ole, same ole," She says, but she has a noticeable glow to her beautiful dark skin.

It could just be the sugar rush from all this cake, but I couldn't be sure.

"Why you look so happy?" I ask.

"What's wrong with looking happy?"

"Nothing. But you usually look so tired," I say.

A big grin shows on her face. She keeps her mouth closed, too worried about having chocolate staining her pearly whites.

"Paryis gone. I can finally get some sleep, girl!" She laughs.

I laugh too, "Mama stop fronting like you don't miss her."

She takes her time chewing on a forkful of cake.

"I do miss her. You know that lil girl is just like my own. I wonder if she feels the same about me."

I steal a glance at her. Her high cheekbones had fell back into a tired line. She looked so sad, I almost regret asking her why she looked so happy to begin with. It's ironic really, but if it wasn't one thing making Mama sad, it was something else. We kept her head hurting. The thought of it, makes me regret sneaking out all those nights.

"I'm sure she feel the same way. The only thing she remembers from her mama was her dying. You the only example she have of how somebody supposed to love her. Ion think she forget that just cause she call you by name sometimes," I say.

"You mean all the time," She says.

"Nah, I mean sometimes. Just the other day she called you 'Mama' when she was talking to me. I think she just feels guilty knowing she had another mama once upon a time so if she think about it too hard she feel the need to call you Ms. Rochelle. But if it make you feel better, Mama, at least she have to remind herself to call you that. Her instinct is to just call you Mama."

Mama takes a second to digest what I'm saying. At first I doubt that she hears me until she looks at me with all the happiness from a minute ago. It warms my heart to see her so joyful.

"I guess it's my turn to be your therapist in the Sugar Therapy," Mama says, "How you been?"

"I've been okay."

"Really? Even with Caesar being in town?"

I choke on my cake at the mention of his name coming out of her lips. She stands to grab me a glass of tap water. I drink it down before answering her.

"What you mean?" I ask.

"You know what I mean Candyce. I don't know why in the world he would want to mess with my fifteen year old baby, when he was eighteen. But I tell you what I do know," She waits for me to look at her to answer.

"I know that when he left, you stayed in your room for weeks crying. I know something happened before he left for New York. I don't know if it was a kiss or..."

"Mama," I warn her.

"I'm just saying," She raises her hands in surrender.

"I can't believe it's that obvious," I mutter.

A warm hand finds its way to my back. She rubs in slow circles. It's so soothing, I lean my whole body into her.

"It's not that obvious. I just know my children. I see how careful Caesar acts around you. Nobody doing all that unless they got sumn to hide."

Mama pulls my curls from out of my face. I let out a breathe when she tucks it behind my ear.

"I don't know what I was thinking. Caesar's not the same person he was three years ago. Did you know he has a girlfriend and he treats her son like his kid?" I ask.

"Hm. Well that's good for him."

"Mama!" I pull away from her.

Her hand cups my chin, "I'm just saying, baby. If a man can't figure out how to tell you he wants you then he probably doesn't. Not to say that you aren't lovable. I'm just saying maybe Caesar ain't the one to give that love to you."

I know she's right. It's the same conclusion I had come to that night in my room when he told me fucking was the only thing I was good for. I was just hoping from somebody who spends so much time on the outside looking in, that maybe Mama would give me a different persepective. Maybe instead of seeing him try to hard not to touch me, that maybe she's noticed him steal a few glances my way too.

Not that it even matters. I wasn't talking to him or his friend for as long as I could hold it.

"It don't even matter. I'm over Caesar," I say.

Mama smiles another one of her sad smiles.

"If only you knew how many times I said that about your daddy," She says.

Then she stands and gives me a kiss on my forehead. She warns me not to finish the rest of the cake without her. My eyes get misty watching her walk back into the room that's become her hideout the last few years. She deserved a love that wasn't so tiring. I just wish I could be the one to give it to her. But I know sooner or later, I'm gonna have to talk to Ace again. I'm gonna have to put myself back at risk of getting killed or arrested. Only now, it sucks realizing just how much I'm at risk of losing if Angel does get his way.