"Wait up!"

I pick up my pace so I'm practically running as I hear Clay's exasperated voice behind me.

"Hold on! Hey, Ellie!" The name makes me freeze and I stop, turning around to see him gasping for breath. "Oh thank god you stopped. You're fucking fast." He halts before me and keels over with his hands on his knees.

I roll my eyes and cross my arms tight across my chest, swallowing down the tears starting to spring towards my eyes.

"Yeah. I am." My voice sounds defiant and venomous, and I wince as his face pangs with guilt.

"Are you okay?" he asks in a lowered voice, looking over his shoulder and pulling me to an empty classroom for a more private conversation.

"No! I'm not fucking okay!" I yell, throwing my arms out as the tears I fought so hard to keep down start to stream down my face.

He reaches out for me and I flinch away, heat burning in my chest.

"I can't do it anymore! I might as well just fucking kill myself already." My voice comes out squeaky and pained.

I instantly regret my words as Clay steps back, his face full of emotion and undisguised fear. "Please don't say that," he says so quietly that it is almost indistinguishable.

"Fuck, Clay, I'm so sorry. It's just Bryce and a bunch of stuff from my past, I didn't mean it. I'm not going to kill myself, I swear on it."

I'm beginning to calm down now that I am separate from Bryce. I can breathe now that Clay is with me.

My mind flickers back to Hannah's words, whispered into a microphone, only hours before she ended her life. I force it out of my mind and focus on Clay as his eyes fixate on the ground.

"What did he do to you?"

His voice is deathly quiet, and a terrifying rage burns in his icy blue eyes, still staring at the floor. I wince as I remember how he had found me that night, naked in the grass.

"Is that what happened, the night that- uh, that I found you, ya know, how you were?" He searches my eyes desperately, finding an answer in my silence.

I watch as the pieces click in his brain and he looks up at me with a face full of shock and anger. His face hardens and he runs a hand through his hair, gripping it and turning back to the classroom we had come from.

"I'm gonna kill him. I swear, I'm going to fucking kill him!" he yells, his hands ball into fists and fear grows inside me.

"Don't," I whisper, the knot in my stomach flying up to my throat. I grab his hand as he turns to go, and he waves me off as he storms toward the classroom. "Please, Clay, stop."

He's just gonna make it worse, Bryce is going to hurt him just like he has hurt everyone else around me. I think rapidly, panic rising in my throat.

"Clay!" I scream as he opens the door, and turns to me with a steely face.

"Ellie," he says softly, his hands still clenched into a tight fist.

Beneath his hard expression and his trembling shoulders, I see a shred of guilt as he avoids my eyes.

"He has to pay for what he did. To Hannah, and to Jessica, and now —" Clay nervously jerks his head to the side as he spits the words out angrily, "and now to you."

"I know, trust me. But he's going to hurt you, and I just can't lose you too." I rush towards him and grab his arm, pulling him towards me.

I break down into tears again, throwing myself around him and hugging him so tightly that I could feel all the muscles in his back and arms.

"You're all I have left," I choke out, tears falling rapidly down my face.

Clay's heartbeat is fast and forceful as he rubs my back gently, and I feel his heart against my cheek as I clutch at his t-shirt. I start to tremble less as he holds me in his arms and kisses the top of my head.

"Ellie, if you don't want me to confront him, I won't. But the second that you say the word, he's dead. And if he ever tries anything else, you gotta tell me first, okay? Then I'll make sure he pays."

"Okay. I promise," I sigh, my breathing steadying as I feel his heartbeat start to fall back to a normal pace.

He squeezes his arms around me and with a collective breath, we separate and I wipe my face with my sleeve, annoyed to have ruined my makeup for the third time in twenty-four hours.

Clay smiles and his eyes shine as he looks at me, and I turn my head to him, puzzled. "You're wearing my hoodie," he says happily.

I look down, realizing it wasn't just some random hoodie, that it had been thrown across the car the night before. My face burns as I recall everything that had happened with Clay that night, and how much had happened since then.

Just a day ago, Clay had been my forbidden crush, the maddeningly cute nerd who had never seen me as anything less than the popular girl. Now, he was everything. Standing there in his hoodie, stained with tears, I smile to myself.

"Full of surprises, aren't you?" he asks softly, his eyes shining with soft adoration at the mere sight of me.

"Oh, I always am," I said indignantly, crossing her arms. "I've mastered the element of surprise."

Clay grins as he rests his head on the classroom wall, running a hand through his hair. "Element of surprise, huh? That wouldn't work on me, I don't think."

"You don't?" I taunt, narrowing my eyes. "Well, that's only 'cause you haven't gone against me yet. Just you wait, Jensen, I'll show you —"

"Jensen?" he repeated jocularly, his grin widening. "Didn't know this competition put us on a last name basis, Atkins."

A sharp stab of pain strikes me at his words. He has no idea what they mean, nor who used to call me by that name. He doesn't know that when he calls me by my last name, the image of my brother flashes in my brain like a movie I was forced to watch over and over again. He couldn't know.

Clay might never know.

Clay looks at the clock, and sighs before turning to me. "Shit, I have a test, I gotta go. Whenever you feel ready to talk about it, just let me know, okay? I'm always here for you."

He touches my face gently and I lean into his hand.

"Always," he whispers and kisses my forehead. The painful knot in my chest dissolves, replaced by a deep warmth.

"I'll see you at lunch!" I call out, and he gives me a smile in response as he slips out of the door.

I pull the hood of his hoodie over my head, and breathe in the fabric. Comfort fills me as the warm soap and leather scent clouds my brain.

Wrapped in Clay's soft hoodie, I huddle in the corner of the classroom as I scroll through my phone to calm myself down.

My breath catches in my throat as I stumble upon a picture from a year ago.

It was Hannah and I, minutes before our last argument had broken out. We looked so happy, she looked so normal. It was so odd to see myself so peaceful the night that my life fell apart.

"Yo, Izzy!" a voice screamed from downstairs.

I instantly knew it was my brother Jeff by the name he had called me. I was laying on my stomach in my room, wearing Justin's sweatpants and my brothers t-shirt.

I had just gotten back from my sleepover at Hannah's, and my long red hair was pulled together into a messy knot on the top of my head. She had just confronted me about my crush on Clay, and had thrown me out of her house. I was slightly hungover and the yelling of my name sent painful waves through my brain.

"What!" I yelled back, scrolling through Instagram on my phone. With a completely straight face, I typed out "oh my god i'm screaming" at the totally unfunny meme Courtney had sent me.

Complete silence greeted me, and I paused for a second before groaning loudly and storming out of my room.

"What!" I yelled again, waiting for a few seconds before stomping downstairs.

I flew down the stairs to see my brother Jeff smiling at me, clearly drunk. "You're home!" He shouted, stretching out his arms and stumbling over to hug me.

I stretched my arm out and held him away at an arms length to keep the stench of his breath as far from me as possible.

"Take a fucking shower, man," I spat, pushing him into the side of the room as I made my way to the fridge, suddenly starving.

"Happy to see you too, Izzy," Jeff giggled, trying and then failing to lean nonchalantly on the kitchen table.

He knows how much that nickname bothered me, but it still felt comforting in an odd way to hear it from him.

I instantly forget that as his fingers slipped off the edge of the kitchen table and his head smacked into the marble.

Abandoning my search for food, I stormed over to Jeff and punched him in the shoulder. He pouted and I grunted in his direction.

"Jesus dude, did you drink an entire liquor stores worth of boos?" I said as I grabbed a cup off the shelf and started to make the famous Atkins family hangover recipe.

"Nooooooo," Jeff drawled, poking me hard in the nose. "Boop!" He yelled, bursting out into laughter and clutching his side as his giggle sounded louder than how he had shouted my name earlier.

"You need to sober up," I said sharply, throwing the cup down and pouring cranberry juice into it.

With a glare and a huff of breath, I unlocked the liquor cabinet and turned to see Jeff bouncing up and down with excitement.

"This isn't for you, doofus." I put a shot of vodka into the cranberry juice and shot the liquid down, my head almost instantly clearing up.

Jeff had invented the recipe when he joined the baseball team, and started having to convince our parents that he had migraines to disguise his huge hangovers.

"Listen," he said suddenly, his tone blunt and serious. Shocked, I turned to my brother with a concerned look on my face to find him looking very grave. "I know you think I'm a stupid, drunk, dumb jock. I get it, I mean sometimes I feel like I am."

"Jeff, you know I don't —"

"Izzy," he cut me off and held my eyes in place, looking so intense that I instantly shut up. "Just let me talk."

I pulled up a chair and sat down, looking at him sympathetically.

"I feel like we've been drifting. I get it, I've been out with my girl at parties and stuff, and you've been hanging out with your sophomore friends, but that doesn't change how you're my baby sister. And I'm always gonna be your big brother, and I need to protect you in any way that I can. Do you know what I mean?"

I nodded carefully, shocked at how vulnerable he was being. "Yeah, J, I totally know what you mean."

Jeff pulled up a second chair and sat across the table from me, twiddling his thumbs. I had known him so long that I knew that he always did this when he was feeling nervous. He had done it almost every day when his history grade was so bad that I had to enlist the help of Clay Jensen for him.

"So I was down at the clubhouse the other day..." His eyes raised to meet mine with a cautious, careful gaze. "And I found your necklace. On the floor."

Jeff held up my necklace, a gold chain with a tiny cross on it, with a raised eyebrow.

My body froze. Fuck. I thought, panicking as his head tilted slightly, waiting for my answer. "I — I don't know what you're talking about, Jeff."

"Izzy, if you don't want to tell me, I get it. But if anyone hurt you, I need to know. You don't have to tell me exactly what happened. I'm your big brother. I'll protect you if you're scared."

I was shaking my head and panic rose in my chest. Jeff stood to come around to the back of my chair, and I leapt to my feet to reach him. He pulled me into a strong, brotherly hug.

"You're right," I whispered, pulling away to sit back down in my chair, feeling suddenly faint. "I tried to get out of there, but they put something in my drink so I couldn't think. He, I mean —"

I took a deep, slow breath.

"Bryce. I don't remember if he raped me, but he t- touched me. I d- don't know what he did when I was u- unconscious."

I was shaking, and Jeff's jaw was tightening as my legs started trembling profusely.

"I f- f- fought, b- but there was so — so many of them. I c- couldn't move. But then you came and- and they stopped. I was t- thrown out and some — someone saved me."

"Who saved you?" Jeff said quietly, his voice softer than I had ever heard it.

I swallowed and heat rose to my cheeks as I thought of the way Clay's strong arms felt as he lifted me off the ground, wrapped in his hoodie. My brothers quiet eyes brought me back to earth.

"Clay Jensen did," I whispered.

"I love that fucking kid!" Jeff exclaimed loudly, and slapped his hand on the table.

I jumped from the loud sound and he instantly dissolved into apologies, reaching for my hand across the table.

"Listen, Izzy, I'll talk to Bryce. He's gonna be at a party at Jessica's tonight, and I know Clay's gonna be there. You can come since your little friend Hannah Baker is coming too. If you want, I can talk to your boyfriend and let him know."

He whipped out his phone and typed furiously. I froze at the sound of Justin's name. Jeff whipped his head up at the sound of my involuntary sharp inhale.

"Did you guys break up or something?"

"I'm not sure," I said quietly, training my eyes on my shaking hands. Taking a deep breath, I forced myself to say the words I had been repressing. "Justin was there."

"He was what?"

Jeff slipped his phone back into his pocket, his voice deadly calm and his eyes narrowed into slits.

"Did he —" Jeff pressed his tongue to his cheek and looked away, "what did that son of a bitch do?"

My voice was steady now. "It's not what Justin did do, it's what he didn't do. He saw it and left."

"Okay. I'm gonna go to this party tonight. I'm gonna find Bryce, and he's gonna learn to never touch my little sister again. Then I'm gonna find Justin, and he's gonna learn what it's like when you fuck with the Atkins." Jeff was completely still, his entire body was tensed and his jaw was wired shut.

"J, please don't." I stood up instantly from my chair as my brother stared to walk to the door. "You're still drunk, I don't want you driving."

He ignored me but in this state of mind, it was possible he didn't even hear me. Jeff couldn't even walk in a straight line to the door.

"Please," I pleaded with him, grabbing his hoodie sleeve and trying to pull him back into the house.

He had reached the door and turned to me, reaching out for my hand. "I have to do this, Izzy, I'll see you later tonight. I love you."

"Jeff, please don't," I whispered, clutching his hand and trying to stop him from leaving. "You're too drunk. You can't drive."

My brother smiled and wrapped his arms around me in a final hug, squeezing my shoulders tightly before he climbed into his car and took off towards the party.

Jeff Atkins, my big brother, died that night when a stop sign had been knocked down, causing him to collide with another vehicle. In his altered state of mind, he had confronted Bryce, who had shifted the conversation by getting Jeff even drunker.

That same night, Clay had made a connection to Hannah that I could never compare to. I had lost my closest friend over a crush only hours before I lost my brother. Bryce had gotten him drunk enough to impair his driving skills, he killed my brother. Bryce had ruined me and my family in that clubhouse.

Somehow, in the span of two separate nights, Bryce Walker had destroyed every part of me.

The stars could cease to shine, the sun could burn out, and the world could go dark, but the end of the world for me was that one night.

I would never be the same.