The car is so quiet that two heartbeats can be heard beating together as a Clay and I sit looking at our hands, holding out the silence. A slight patter of rain sounds off the top of my car, and low whistles of wind howl through a crack in a window of my Jeep.

My eyes flicker back up to Clay, who keeps his gaze trained ahead with a set jaw.

There is so much he wants to tell me, I can see it, and even more that I want to tell him. He aches to comfort me, but I only want to vent and have him sit there silently while I pour my heart endlessly to him. I want to talk about every little thing that's wrong and have him listen to me, truly, without a word.

I bring my eyes back down to my hands and hold back frustrated curses as I watch them start to fidget together again.

Just like my brother Jeff's used to.

My tiny car is parked in front of the same hospital that I had been rushed to in the middle of the night just a year ago. The very same driveway I parked my car in before walking into the building. I had run across white tile floors the whole night, searching desperately through endless hallways to find Jeff.

I had run through the hospital for hours to find my brother, red hair flying behind me as I sprinted faster and faster, just to see my big brother covered with a blanket and carried away from me, forever.

The nurses offered apologies for not finding me sooner, but I was too numb to hear them. I sat there, my hands fidgeting nonstop with each other for the first time.

I couldn't think of anything else to do.

My parents tried to hold me, they needed me that night, but I wouldn't let them touch me. I couldn't be there for them. Doctors explained to my family what had happened to my brother, but every word flew in and out of my ears. Each sentence whisked away a bigger part of me that would never come back.

Ever.

"You ready?" Clay's voice, though soft and gentle, cuts through me like a knife. "Ellie?" I jump slightly at the sound of my name, and my vision drops down from his crystal blue eyes to my bouncing legs.

"I'll go in with you," He reaches his hand out to me slowly, his eyes examining my expression carefully.

Clay touches my hand softly. "No!" I yelp from the contact.

I jerk my hand violently away as the memories of Jeff overwhelm me. Shaking my head, I slam my trembling hands on the car seat, rising them back up to my red hair and clutching at it anxiously.

Shocked, Clay's hand hovers suspended in the air as he gawks at me, unsure of what to say. "Oh, um, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have," His voice is heartbreakingly small, a little shaky as he clears his throat and looks away from me, bringing his hand up to rub his neck.

"Clay," I force the words out and they come out bitter and angry, thought I want them to sound warm and reassuring. "I just- Clay." This time, my words sound as soft as I meant for them to be.

I take a deep breath before starting up again. "This hospital, it's the same one wh- where," I rush the words out before I can even start to overthink them, "Jeff d- died. In this h- hospital. I mean, he was d- dead in the car, but they br- brought him here. He had a heartbeat, I was too l- late. And now my dad's sick ag- again in the same building. I can't do this."

Trying hard not to tremble, I bury my heavy head in my hands. Clay leans closer to me, biting his lip and looking down at his hands. I can see in his still posture how he's aching to wrap his arms around me and hold me as my eyes start to water. A want to protect me shines in his eyes, but he keeps his hands to himself, probably because I had slapped him away before.

He always wants to be the hero for everyone. It's killing him now that I won't let him do that for me.

"Everything is falling apart for me. I love you, Clay, and I'll say it a thousand times over, but I can't help myself from thinking about how Hannah died. She killed herself, and that doesn't just happen for no reason. The reason is me. I killed her, and you loved her. She died because I loved you."

I clear my throat and forcibly strengthen my voice.

"My Dad is sitting there in the hospital probably on his deathbed, and I guarantee that this is karma's way of biting me on the ass. An eye for an eye, right? Hannah's life for my Dad's," Clay winces at my harsh words.

"Ellie, that's not-"

"You're amazing, believe me, you are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm a terrible person. I don't deserve you. You can say you love me until the cows come home, but in reality, I'm a rebound. You are never going to be over her. She's everything that I'm not. Hannah's always going to be your soulmate. I love you so, so much, but she'll never leave you, and I have to realize that. When someone you love dies, the feelings you have for them always stay with you. I know. Jeff died in this hospital, but all the love I had for him stayed in my heart. So I know that the love you had for Hannah will always be with you."

I turn towards him, painfully aware of the tears streaming down my pale face.

"Ellie. That's not true," Clay stares at me with his mouth wide open.

"It is!" I shout, immediately feeling guilty as he looks away from me, but unable to stop. "You know it is!"

His blue gaze holds mine as hundreds of pearly tears swim in them, matching the color of his stunning blue eyes.

The same frustratingly beautiful eyes that Hannah fell for. His transfixing ocean color that I had fallen in love with stare at me. I had seen them for the first time that night when he lifted me off the cold, dead grass and brought me home safe. The eyes that I watched fill with warmth after I kissed him for the first time. How I ache to kiss him now, to look into his blue gaze and feel safe again.

I desperately need to feel that love. I need to swim in the sea of colors that found me.

He looks away from me, abruptly breaking my daydream and I begin to rant, unable to stop.

"Clay. I love you, but you need to understand what I'm trying to say here. You've changed me so much, probably for the better, but I don't deserve you. I can't do this," he whimpers slightly at my words.

My head nods tightly as my words grow faster, coming to a decision as I run my hands over the car seat in a search for my phone.

"Ellie, just let me-" Clay begins to say, and I turn my head away from him, unable to bear seeing his tears without thousands more pouring from my own eyes.

"I have to go," Cutting him off, I throw the car door open suddenly as my hand wraps around my buzzing phone. "Please get home safe. I love you." Kissing his forehead tenderly, I choose to ignore his shaking skin under my lips and jump out of the car door.

"Wait-" He starts, his voice croaking with tears.

Picking up my speed to a slight jog, I clap my hand to my mouth as I get farther and farther away from Clay and the car. My pace sharpens quickly into a run and then into a sprint, a loud scream of frustration and anger flying out before I can stop.

Is he going to come after me? Halting abruptly, I whip around with tears streaming down my face towards the car.

The thickness of the rain blurs my vision, and I am too far away to see even four feet in front of me. I wait, like an idiot, in the freezing parking lot, for Clay to appear in the darkness behind me. For him to grab my hand and hold me, rubbing circles in my back like he always does when I get upset. I want desperately for him to walk into the hospital with me, no matter how much the fear of him meeting my parents paralyzes me, and be there for me.

It's so unlike Clay to not be at my side, especially now that I need him to be, since he constantly tries to be the hero for everyone except himself. He will always put everyone else's needs above his own, which is why I still cling to the idea that he would run after me, even if it was so unrealistic.

I wait for a few more minutes before letting out a single sob, turning on my heel, and stomping towards the hospital doors.