I sat in the tub soaking and thinking about the whole trip. Once again, Pharaoh gave me amazing memories to cloud out the old miserable ones. As I sipped my wine, I could really see a future with Pharaoh. I never thought I'd consider a relationship ever again... but Pharaoh does something to me. It didn't even It me until I was soaking in the tub that Pharaoh was pretty much my first time. It felt so childish to think about but I really made love for the first time.

I blushed as I finished my glass and went washed up. I got out of the tube, lathered up and put on my pajamas. I wanted to wait on Pharaoh to come back but it was almost 11 and Jordan has been back since 6 something. Just as I picked up my phone to check on him for the second time, he walked through the door looking stressed.

I watched his every move as he undressed to his boxers, walked around, kissed me softly, then walked into the bathroom for his night routine. Something was clearly off with Pharaoh and he was holding it in. We both knew we still needed to talk but whatever was going on with him was getting addressed first.

When he came out of the bathroom, he was wrapped in a towel. I sat against the headboard of the bed and watched him lather himself up before putting on his boxers. I was waiting for him to sit down but he kept moving around the room picking up random things and putting them down somewhere else. I got tired of waiting so I stopped him.

"Babe stop" I shook my head "Come here"

He sighed before nodding and sitting on his side of the bed. His back was to me and his head was down. I moved over so that I was right behind him with my back still against the headboard.

I rubbed his back gently "Talk to me Rao... clearly something's bothering you"

"It's complicated Ess" he sighed

"When has anything that bothers either of us not been complicated" I chuckled "No matter what happens between us, you're still my best friend and we can talk about anything. You don't need to be stressed out"

"But it don't work that way baby" he looked back at me "We blurred that line--shit it aint even blurred! We both know what we want out of this--"

"And no matter what it is we want, we gone be best friends first! Rao I'm not going to closed our friendship for a relationship... and I hope you wouldn't either"

"You're saying that now"

"When have I shown you my word aint good enough" I was slightly offended

"I didn't mean it like that" he turn his body so he could grab my hands "I know you mean what you're saying"

"Do you trust me though?"

"Of course!"

"Then talk to me! Rao I promise their is nothing that's going to make me that upset"

He hung his head again before letting my hands go. He reached over to his nightstand and grabbed his phone. After a few clicks he gave it to me and my mouth instantly dropped. I looked at him then back at the picture not sure what to even say about it. I instantly had an assumption but I wanted to know what he had to say and how he felt.

"Okay" I took a deep breath "Let's talk about it"

"Three fucking months man" he shook his head "I've been cursed out, blocked, and ignored for three months. I'm sitting here thinking she feel guilty for killing my seed, when in actuality she's been hiding the fact that she didn't! Like I told her I'd support whatever but this is what she do? She wait til I'm with somebody and I'm happy to pull this shit"

"Rao---"

"What the fuck type of shit is that?!" his voice shook as he looked away from me "It was supposed to happen like this"

"Rao" I moved closer to him and grabbed his face "Life happens boo. Okay? Yeah, it's fucked up on her for not telling you that she kept the baby. And it's fucked up on her for not being straight up with you about what she wanted for the pregnancy. But I know two things about this situations"

"What's that" he sighed

"You're going to be an amazing father" I smiled at him leading to his smile "And you'll always have me by your side"

"Ess I can't ask you to do that---"

"You didn't ask me to do anything"

"But---"

"That's what best friends are for"

I laughed as Pharaoh pulled me around so I was straddling his lap. He hugged me tight like I was about to disappear. I knew he didn't believe me, but before anything Pharaoh was my other best friend. I wasn't gone let anything stop our friendship... even him.

"Ess I can't ask you to be with me knowing I have all this unknown shit going on" he spoke into my neck "And I damn sure aint gone ask you to wait around until I get my shit together... but I don't know what I would do if I lost you as my friend"

"Stop worrying about that" I moved his head to look at me "I asked you to think about us this morning and shit came up... I'm not gone act like a piece of me isn't disappointed. I have real feelings for you Pharaoh... that aren't going away. But if you know you not ready to make us happen because of this situation then cool. I respect it. I'm glad you're being honest with yourself and me"

"I just don't want to miss out on us Ess" he shook his head "I'm not trying to be selfish but it was like we were there... and now it's ruined"

I laughed "It aint ruined nigga"

"You're too fucking calm about this" he pushed me to the side

"I know" I sat up "but you got enough shit to stress about. I don't want you stressing about me when I'm still going to be here for you. I'm still your best friend nigga! Be stressed about telling your mom"

"Bruh I already told her we needed to talk and she on edge like a bitch"

"See! Stress about that ass whooping you getting" we laughed "But seriously Rao, I'm okay. Disappointed? Yes... but we good"

I got up, grabbed my phone and headphones, and headed towards the door. He stood up and grabbed my arms looking at me confused.

"Just give me a minute. I'll be back"

I hugged him, taking in his scent as I held in my emotions. I walked out of the room and headed to the downstairs lounge. It was disconnected from the lobby area and I found it early today. I stopped by the front desk and got a blanket before going inside and balling up on one of the message recliners.

I put my headphones in and went to spotify. I had plenty of playlist but of course I ended up at my love struck one. It was filled with 90s and early 2000s R&B. Song after song, I was battling between being in love with Pharaoh and wanting to be with him no matter what, and knowing that it was better to just be friends and ignore the feelings I really have for him. I grabbed the pillow from behind me and screamed into it. I found my self stuck between "Dangerously In Love" by Destiny's Child and "I Can't Stop Loving You" by Kem for most of the time down there.

I eventually stared nodding off, not sure what emotions I really felt. I was almost asleep when I jumped, feeling someone shaking me. I looked up and there was Pharaoh still looking sad. I put on a smile before reaching out for help to get up. We headed back to the room and got in the bed. I turned so that my back was to him but he pulled me into his arms. He held me tight and we went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning early as hell. I shimmied out of Pharaoh's arms and began packing out clothes up. We had to be at the airport by 3pm. Once everything was packed, I took a shower and put on song leggings and a t-shirt. I went to the living room and ordered breakfast for everyone Gianni eventually came out next and immediately sensed my mood.

She pulled me to the couched and cocked her head to the side waiting. I sighed before pulling out my phone and going to the instagram post Pharaoh showed me. She covered her mouth and shook her head before pulling me into a hug. I felt a few tears fall but I wiped them as soon as she pulled away. I smiled and went back to fixing up my plate of breakfast.

"Ess don't pretend like you not hurt" she stood behind me "Yall were---"

"Gigi I'm good. I'm not pretending like I'm not hurt... but we aint together. And I don't know maybe this is the reason why it never happen. He got to get that together then we gone revisit it"

"You gone wait around for him to have a fucking baby? Bitch is you crazy"

"I didn't even say that" I laughed

"Then what is you saying?"

I faced her trying to find my words but just sighed.

"Ess seriously how do you feel about it?"

"I feel like it's bullshit... but I knew she was pregnant. It's what me and Pharaoh first talked about. She told him she was aborting it and we talked about that too. She been gone for months. I never expected her ass to pop back up like fucking wack a mole" we both laughed "It hurt Gigi. I really feel like we're supposed to be together"

"What's stopping yall?"

"He wants to figure that out... whatever that actually means"

"So what you gone do?"

"What we been doing" I shrugged "He do him and I'm gone do me... but he's still my guy best friend before anything else. I don't know Gianni" I shook my head "Crazy part?"

"What?"

"I aint even surprised" I let out a dry chuckle "It's just how my life goes. Been that way. I got so close to happiness... and now it's gone"

I wipe the few tears that fell again before walking off into the room and the bathroom. I closed and locked the door before sitting on the side of the tube. I let the tears that needed to fall go, trying to collect myself before Pharaoh woke up.

By the time I calmed down and washed my face, I was mad at myself. I let my guard down and pretended like my life doesn't have a pattern of being fucked up. It wasn't anyone's fault... it's just the way life goes for me. I never get longevity when it comes to happiness. I just had to accept it and let it go.