《He Never Loved Me (#Wattys2019)》Chapter 4

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I feel like I am alone; like I am beginning to become the type of girl who struggles to get through the day. I look so strong, yet feel so weak. Now the girl who has began to believe her own fake smile .

The world has turned against me, I cannot do anything but accept it. It feels as if I have been cast into a never ending eternity of pain, fighting like hell, trying to break free. But the pain has engulfed me, every time I fall, I fall 20 feet under.

I cried as if the ferocity of it might bring him back; as if by the sheer force of my grief the news would be undone. He was my first love, my only love and he could not just up and be gone. . .

I feel unwanted and unloved, constant feeling like I am too much. I care too much, give too much of myself to people who clearly don't deserve it. Maybe I even try too hard, I now understand disappointment too well.

After whirling about, unable to look through my puffy eyes at the photographs on the wall, I tumbled out of the door onto the rain-kissed street. Dissolved in the kind of despair that can take one's mind prisoner and never give it back. Once in the open I sank down to my knees in the middle of the street, bathed in the headlamps of the cars now static before me.

Ordinarily folks around would honk their horns in three seconds flat, but my wailing carried in that damp air, freezing them in place, helpless, just like me. . . The world turned into a blur, and so did all the sounds. The feeling. The smell of rain. Everything was just gone.

I paused trying to hold back the strange feelings rumbling inside me but couldn't. So many tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down my face. My chin trembled as if I was a small child. I breathed heavier than I ever had before. Gasping for air that simply wasn't there, throat burning in a silent scream. I was too broken to ever be loved again.

Constant battles with myself, unnecessarily tearing myself down. Living my life through quotes, holding on to anything that helps me feel less alone. I have become a close friend to pain and rejection.

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