aturday, 14th of May, 6:00 AM

Fear is a feeling that shouldn't exist. I just wanna have a small talk with God about that feeling, like why that out of all feelings? It's a suckish feeling. It simply shouldn't exist.

I'm supposed to be at the airport with him, saying goodbye, but I don't want to. Instead I'm up at six in the morning, an hour before Luke leaves, hyperventilating about the fact that he'll be eleven hours and eleven minutes away from me and soon eighteen hours away, so I'm currently writing in this to get my mind off the whole thing.

I think this is going to be the last time for me writing in this.

And no, I'm not gonna achieve my dreams of being a worldwide singer and later on becoming a drug addict and going LIVE in rehab for my amazing fans.

I have come to the realization that I'm holding too tight on Anastasia's stuff, more than on to our memories together. I have always thought that her stuff is what makes me close to her, but the memories that I have with her is truly what makes me closer to her. Just like my memories with dad.

I feel like this is a good start for me to start a completely new chapter. I'm leaving for college in a month or so. It would be nice to start fresh from here, then build up on that start in Australia. California is my home and everything, but I need a huge break from it.

I'm hoping that in Australia there will be a huge difference and who knows how my life will go there. Maybe I'll gain the confidence that I once had and go back to thinking that I'm enough. Maybe I'll make a new friend.

Maybe I'll have another chance to make everything return to the way it was again. But not here. Not in this city.

So I'm going to let go of all of this. Not the memories, but the idea of Ana being alive by keeping her stuff. Her memories is what make her alive, not her things. It doesn't matter if I still own a thing of hers or not, I will always love her and I know for a fact that her and dad know that I will always love them.

"Honey?" Mum's voice comes from behind me and I turn my head to see her standing by the stairs.

"Morning, Mum," I smile at her.

"I thought you're supposed to be at the airport with Luke," she walks over to me and takes a seat beside me on the couch.

"Um...I don't wanna go," I reply, closing the notebook and putting it in the carboard box that I put beside me.

"Why?" She furrows her eyebrows.

"I'm scared," I practically mumble out. "I'm scared of the fact that I'll have to watch him leave and I can't do anything about it. I don't want him to leave. I trust him with my whole heart and I thought that the problem was because he was going back to his home country, but it turns out I'm just scared of another person leaving. I don't want him to leave, Mum."

Mum just stares at me silently and I continue on. "I thought it was fear of losing him to another person, but I'm just scared of him leaving for good. I can't let him leave. Ana left. Fiona left. Riley left. Dad left. I don't want Luke to leave too."

"Anna, listen to me carefully," she grabs my hand and I look at her. "Luke is not leaving. You might think he is because he is going to a whole other continent, but he is not leaving. A person does not leave unless they choose to leave. You might think Anastasia left or dad left or Riley left but they did not choose to leave. They did not decide to leave you. Your memories of them with you did not choose to leave you. Fiona might have had that choice, but you don't realize you have made the wrong choice until it's too late.

"Stop thinking that everybody chose to leave you. Not everyone thinks of you as a choice. Some will consider you a priority and some will see you as nothing but a temporary part in their life. And that's okay, because these people are a temporary part of your life too. You have to stop thinking that you're not enough for anybody. You're more than enough. You are just enough. And a human does not get to decide that. They are not above you in any way. In the end, we're all the same. We're all humans," my mum says.

"A human choosing you does not define you, honey. You define you," she continues softly, giving my hand a squeeze. "And I don't know about you, but I am one hundred percent sure that Luke will choose you everyday over and over again and know that he's not choosing to leave you. At all. He's choosing to grow with you."

He's choosing to grow with me.

God I might be so stupidly in love with him that I didn't even notice that.

"I think I might actually be in love with him, Mum," I admit in a low voice.

"I know you are and so is he. I'm in love too, honey. I know what's it like," she smiles at me and I smile back, then I grab her in a hug and she wraps her arms around me.

"Thank you so much. For everything," I bury my face in her shoulder.

"It's my job as a mother, sweetheart. You shouldn't be thanking me in any way," she gives my body a squeeze, then I pull away from her as she does too.

"How come you're not as protective as grandma was?" I question, tilting my head.

"My dear, if I treated you like my mother used to treat me, you would have wanted nothing but to have absolutely no relation with me," she shakes her head and I laugh.

"How about I give you a ride to the airport? I think Luke will really appreciate you being there for him," she offers and I nod, then I turn on my phone to check the time.

Oh, my God. He's leaving in freaking thirty minutes.

"Crap, we have to go now. His flight is at seven," I shoot up.

"I'll go get the car keys," Mum says and I nod at her in response, then I hurry to put my shoes on as mum rushes outside to start the car.

I'm about to walk out of the house to follow her, but I suddenly remember something and I take off Ana's bracelet, then I toss it in the cardboard box before I head outside.

As soon as I get in the car, mum steps on the gas pedal and drives forward only for her to crash into the trash cans.

"Mum!" I place my hands on the dashboard to keep me from flying out of the windshield as if I'm a totally great driver without freaking out.

"I'm sorry! Put your seatbelt on," she orders me as she steers the wheel to the right and presses on the gas pedal again, driving down the street.

YOLO, I couldn't help but think, not bothering to put my seatbelt on.

I have been through worse which is my driving. Nobody can beat my bad driving, not even my mum freaking out. I really need some driving lessons before I try and get my license or else my driving instructor is going to put my face up everywhere to let everyone know that I'm a disaster driving a car.

The airport is supposedly twenty minutes away, but my mum makes it there in exactly seven minutes and thirty-two seconds. How in the glittery Avernus? I'll never know, but I have a suspicion it's because she ran like four red lights and cursed three different people for driving as bad as she was. My mum does not like pressure.

I get out of the car and she waves at me. I send her a smile and wave back as I walk inside, the cool, air-conditioned air of the place hitting my face.

I have to basically run through the whole airport until I make it to where his gate is. My eyes immediately scan for Luke across the place until I find him sitting with his mum, Clara and Luna, probably waiting for the departure of his flight to be announced.

Slipping my phone out of my sweatpants' pocket, I check the time and breathe out a sigh of relief when I realize that he still got twenty minutes before he leaves. Just enough.

I walk over to him slowly, maybe a bit scared because of how late I am and he told me last night to be there at six-twenty, but my cowardly bum woke up at 5:50, freaking out about him leaving. I just love spending extra time freaking out about problems that could be solved in ten minutes.

Luke looks up from his phone for a moment as if it's the only thing he's been doing for the last hour and I give him a small smile when we lock eyes. He quickly stands up and I walk over to him as he does too, then I throw my arms around his neck in a tight hug and he wraps his arms around my waist, holding me really close to him and burying his nose in my shoulder.

"I'm so sorry I'm late. I'm going to be honest with you, I have been up since five-fifty, but I have been freaking out because I was scared-" I ramble to him, all why still having my arms around him and him keeping his around me.

"Cherries, I don't care," he tries to intrude.

"-of the idea of you leaving and I had to take a whole lecture from mum because of how dumb I am-"

"I don't care."

"-and I'm really sorry that I didn't come earlier. I wanted to, but I don't know. I started freaking out for no reason and I'm now realizing how stupid I am-"

"Anna," he pulls away to hold my face in his hand.

"Yef?" I muffle out.

"I don't care," he smiles. "I'm just glad that you came, that's all."

I smile at him in relief, or at least I try to because he's still holding my face, then he leans in to press a soft kiss on my lips before he pulls away. He keeps his arms around my waist and I keep mine around his neck as I lean in again for another kiss, then we pull away again.

"I'm sorry for the burst out. I was just really worried about you leaving. The truth is I don't know what I could possibly do if you left for good. I remember you asked before if I'm going to leave you and I thought it was a silly question, but this is actually a terrifying question and just thinking about it makes a whole new fear," I tell him.

"Lyn, I'm never gonna leave you. You said that I'm stuck with your annoying ass, so you're stuck with my dumb ass and no matter what happens, absolutely nothing is going to change between us," he brings up his hand to stroke my cheek with his thumb.

I never said that he was stuck with my annoying bum. Wait, I said I was clingy. Is that annoying?

Crap, it is.

Well, he's gonna have to learn to love it.

"You know why?" He proceeds. "Because I'm here for the long run. I'm going to fall in love with you. And I'm going to love the fuck out of you. Every single day. Every single year."

Lies. You already love me.

At least that's what mum said.

I don't know, I just know that I'm the one who's almost in love here.

"No every single hour?" I tilt my head in question.

"Every single hour," he adds, laughing and I smile widely at him.

"Good, because I'm planning to do the same," I decide and he sends me one of his beautiful, dimpled smiles before he leans in to kiss my forehead.

Then I remember that Emily, Clara and Luna are also standing there and they're probably watching the whole romantic scene being displayed in front of them. My guess is right when I notice Clara literally tearing up at the sight of us. I'm guessing the pregnancy hormones are getting the best of her.

"Hi," I smile at them. "Sorry for the late notice, got caught up with the moment."

"It's okay, sweetie," Emily chuckles. "We know that you kids need some time alone."

"You guys are so freaking cute. This is better than any romance movie I have ever seen," Lara cries.

"Lara, take a seat, baby. You need to sit down," Emily tells her daughter and helps her sit back down before she gives her a couple of tissues.

"Are you okay, Clara?" I ask her.

"Oh yeah, I'm fine. Just pregnancy things," she grins, any evidence of tears in her eyes now gone.

"Good morning, passengers. This is the pre-boarding announcement for flight 89B to Rome, Italy. Regular boarding will begin in approximately ten-minutes time. Thank you," the sound of the announcer-lady echoes through the place.

"That's me," Luke says, grabbing the backpack sitting on the seat.

"Don't forget to call me when you land, honey," Emily says, hugging Luke.

"I will, Mom. Don't worry." He assures her, leaning down to press a kiss on her cheek.

"I'm going to miss you, loser," Luna hugs her brother.

"I'm going to miss you too, shortie," he ruffles her hair.

But the sweet moment doesn't last long when Luna pushes him away and fixes her hair. "You know what? I'm glad you're going away. I'm taking your room by the way."

"What for?" He asks her, raising an eyebrow.

"Hockey training," she shrugs.

"I swear on your short ass, if I come home and find something broken or missing, I will-"

"Lucas," Emily warns him.

"Fine, fine," he mumbles and Clara and I laugh.

"Take care of yourself," Lara wraps her arms around him in a hug.

"You know I always do," he replies to her.

"Of course," she rolls her eyes with a smile.

Luke comes to stop in front of me and wraps his arms around me, then he smiles. "Hi, gorgeous."

I smile at him, wrapping my arms around his neck. "Hi, idiot."

"God, I'm going to miss you calling me that nickname face to face," he mumbles, leaning in and pressing his forehead against mine.

"Call me when you make it there, okay? And tell Noah that he's ugly. It's different when it's face to face."

"Want me to tell Jen anything?"

Is Jennie with him in spirit or something?

"Jennie is going to Rome too?" I lean my head back to look at him in shock when I realize.

"Yeah, she told me to keep it a secret, so she could surprise you later on, but I suck at keeping these kind of secrets," he admits.

"Well, tell her that I miss her so much and to mail me her curly hair products already," I tell him.

"Will do," he nods. "I will miss you so fucking much, Cherries." He presses his forehead against mine again.

"I will miss you so flipping much too, idiot," I mumble and he chuckles at my version of a profanity.

"This is the final boarding call for flight 89B to Rome, Italy. I repeat. This is the final boarding call for flight 89B to Rome. Thank you."

"I gotta go," Luke whispers.

"Yeah," I reply, clearing my throat.

Luke and I pull away from each other and he gives my hand a squeeze before he lets go. I almost wanna reach over and grasp on his hand, but I know I have to let go because it's going to be okay. It's all going to be alright.

He starts walking to the gate, then he stops and turns around. He raises his hand as a signal for a wave and I wave back at him enthusiastically with a wide smile as the girls and Emily wave at him as well.

"Are you going to be okay, honey?" Emily asks with a soft smile, placing her arm around me.

"Yeah, I'll be okay," I nod at her with a smile.

And I know we are going to be okay.

❀